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Conception

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Original poster

Is 46 too old to be a first time mum?

318 replies

toooldtobeamum · 25/12/2021 23:52

Been married to DH for 10 years and always thought we would not have a family.
I have BPD and always discounted the possibility due to medication and my MH.

I love kids, have a couple of god children and 5 nieces and nephews who I adore.

But - 46 in a few months and have been thinking more and more recently about it. We are financially stable and working wont be a problem.

I accept it probably won't happen naturally and we would need to consider IVF privately.
Am I absolutely mad for even considering this? Too old? Too crazy?

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 25/12/2021 23:56

I personally wouldn't want to be having a baby at 46, to be honest.

However if you really want to you should give it a try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that. Just don't waste too much time thinking about it.

Double3xposure · 26/12/2021 00:00

What does your partner think about it?

Can I ask why you didn’t try to have kids before now ? I’m not being mean BTW. Just trying to understand why you didn’t want kids when you were in your late 30s or early 40s but now you do and what has changed?

Original poster
toooldtobeamum · 26/12/2021 00:27

@DramaAlpaca

I personally wouldn't want to be having a baby at 46, to be honest.

However if you really want to you should give it a try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that. Just don't waste too much time thinking about it.

Thank you- definitely needs to be thought of and if it's yes acted on quickly!
OP posts:
Original poster
toooldtobeamum · 26/12/2021 00:30

@Double3xposure

What does your partner think about it?

Can I ask why you didn’t try to have kids before now ? I’m not being mean BTW. Just trying to understand why you didn’t want kids when you were in your late 30s or early 40s but now you do and what has changed?

It was actually him that suggested it! We've always said we were happy as a 2 but lately been wondering if we had more to offer.

I lost my dad a few years ago and it really made me rethink my life!

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 26/12/2021 00:32

I know quite a few women who for various reasons had their first child at 47/48 so no.

I’m 45 and in different circumstances (more reliable womb) I’d definitely have another abd mine are 22 and 17!

ParkheadParadise · 26/12/2021 00:34

I wouldn't want to start with a baby at 46.
I had Dd1 really young.
I had Dd2, 23 years later and felt ancient.

LawnFever · 26/12/2021 00:35

IVF isn’t by any means a guaranteed route, it’s extremely tough mentally and physically and privately they’ll take your money but it actually has quite a low rate of success at your age (I’m talking from experience).

Phrenologistsfinger · 26/12/2021 00:36

I’d be worried about egg quality but then I am struggling now at 39 via IVF. You may be lucky and conceive naturally but for IVF to work you might well need donor eggs in mid-late 40s. The news stories never mention that aspect funnily…

converseandjeans · 26/12/2021 00:38

I had mine at 35 and 37 and felt quite old tbh - most in my postnatal group were 28/30ish. I think 46 you would also feel tired getting up in night & then running round after a toddler at almost 50.

But up to you - it's not unheard of.

AntiHop · 26/12/2021 00:38

I'm 44, with a baby (second child). I wish we could have has a second child a few years back, but I have no regrets about having another child at my age.

Theyearthatneverwas · 26/12/2021 00:45

Yes

miltonj · 26/12/2021 00:49

Yes I believe it's too late. Especially for someone who hasn't had their heart set on it for years.

This urge may wear off in a couple of years when the grief of losing your dad is less raw. We can often re think a lot of things after major events but can be reactionary, rather than solid, long lasting feeling.

It could also be a lengthy process, taking years to achieve, meaning you'd be significantly only when said baby was actually born.

You could also exhaust every option trying to achieve this and it doesn't happen. Do you want to go through so much stress and heartache, over something that you've been fine with so far. You say you've always been happy as 2. Will you be happy 5 years down the line after multiple failed attempts? It seems risky, unnecessarily. I would cherish the relationships you have, with your partner snd all the lovely kid Relatives you describe. You sound like you have a lovely life already.

This is not to mention the heightened risk of complications, health issues for yourself and serious disabilities for the child. Dealing with that on later life could be incredibly challenging, pregnancy, child birth and recovery (which takes a long time) is incredibly hard and takes a toll on your body even in your 20s, I wouldn't put my body through it in late forties, especially as your body and health will lately take a bartering in a few years with the menopause.

IncessantNameChanger · 26/12/2021 00:52

I wouldnt think IVF with own eggs ever works at this age. But you could try naturally. I hope it all works out for you

5zeds · 26/12/2021 00:53

Sounds like a lovely thing to do.

notacooldad · 26/12/2021 00:55

I know many people will say "oh, it's fine" but for me it's way too old. Not so much your age now but your projected age as the child gets older. I'm 56 now and I definitely would not want to be deciding on secondary schools, having parents evening and everything that goes on with adolescents. Heck, I wouldnt want a toddler at 48/49.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/12/2021 00:57

It would be too old for me personally, but not for everyone. Would you consider adoption? A friend around your age has just adopted a baby by herself.

TopCatsTopHat · 26/12/2021 00:59

Having kids is a big life change which even though a very welcome one, it's a huge step change and takes serious energy while you cope with it all - the first 4 years are the hardest with the predictable sleep disruption, high dependency, constant demands on your time and attention of one type and another, some fun some not etc etc... a bit of independence starts to happen at 4 bit by bit needing less constant attention (maybe you can share this load maybe not, depends on your life style, family support etc). So assuming you conceived very soon you'll be 50 and just starting to come out of those early years time, that's assuming it's all gone well and they're are no serious health issues with baby or mum (a risk for any conception of course).
So I suppose if thinking of the non rose-tinted reality happens as you make your decision (and you're not just thinking of the nice times like the cute fun stuff) and you still feel up to it then you might be one of those people for whom it's completely fine and you have the stamina. There's a reason why the choice is unusual but there are always people who are on either end of the bell curve average and maybe that's you.
I know it wouldn't be me, I'm your age, am finding perimenopause quite sapping in a low level way, and am very glad not to be responsible for a very young child.
Good luck with your decision.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/12/2021 01:02

You can OP but just bear in mind when the menopause hits it's like a punch in the gut so you need a DP who can just take over.

ratussbaguss · 26/12/2021 01:04

In all honesty I would say it's too late, beating in mind how long the path of ivf may take plus the time for pregnancy. Having a baby can take an enormous toll on your mental health and physical health for that matter. It's really hard to explain what it's like even when you've got nephews etc. And I don't mean that in a patronising way I'm talking from my own experience. If you're talking about having "more to offer" I don't think creating a new life is necessarily the way to go. There are many ways you can live a rich and worthwhile life helping others etc without a baby (god, it's easier to!)

YourWinter · 26/12/2021 01:06

It's tough being a child with parents the same age as other kids' grandparents.

Babies are exhausting, absolutely nothing can prepare you for the impact of broken nights, but you could have one that sleeps when you want it to. Toddlers are exhausting. Pre-schoolers are exhausting, even if you're not dealing with menopause at the same time. You'd be pensioners when your child is going through teens, relationships, exams, and wanting lifts everywhere. You'd be nearly 70 when they start university.

Perhaps you can afford ample paid help so you can deflect some of the more tiring and time-consuming aspects. Only you can estimate whether trying is a really good idea.

AutumnAnn · 26/12/2021 01:08

I personally wouldn't, purely as my parents were a similar age when i was born and I found it hard having older parents growing up, now they're older grandparents and it's still hard. I personally think it's unfair and wouldn't want my children to have the same problems i did.

TopCatsTopHat · 26/12/2021 01:10

Yes, enriching your life and someone elses by putting your 'more to offer' to good use would be awesome. You don't have to go for the full 24/7/365 parenting option to exercise that side of yourself. Lots of organisations are crying out for people like you to be mentors, respite carers, school governors.... The needs are endless. That could be an amazing thing to do for someone, without turning your whole life upside down.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 26/12/2021 01:12

At your age the IVF statistics are poor. I'm about to turn 45 and they've said low chances (like 5-10%) plus it's expensive. They tend to recommend donor eggs at this age which is a whole other thing to get your head around.

I've been trying naturally for several years. Just not happening for me.

CoastalWave · 26/12/2021 01:15

I'm the oldest by a mile at kids school - I'm 47, kids are 7. There's grannies of the kids who are younger than me.

No way would I want to be taking my child to Reception age 51.

More's to the point, no way would I want to be dealing with teenagers at age 60.

Definitely get a dog or a cat would be my advice!

TopCatsTopHat · 26/12/2021 01:16

I think socially it would be difficult. Inevitably parents wish to connect with the parents of their child's friends to facilitate their little ones social life until that becomes something they do apart from you. If your parent-peers are much younger you potentially could find yourself fairly socially isolated, not fitting in with your own age who have more freedom with older /no kids and not fitting in with those whose kids are at the same stage as yours so not invited to play dates etc (potentially). In the younger years you're kind of a package with your kid socially speaking. You could get round that to an extent with lots of kid hobby clubs maybe.

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