Is 46 too old to be a first time mum?

[toooldtobeamum]

Been married to DH for 10 years and always thought we would not have a family.
I have BPD and always discounted the possibility due to medication and my MH.

I love kids, have a couple of god children and 5 nieces and nephews who I adore.

But - 46 in a few months and have been thinking more and more recently about it. We are financially stable and working wont be a problem.

I accept it probably won't happen naturally and we would need to consider IVF privately.
Am I absolutely mad for even considering this? Too old? Too crazy?

Sorry it's too old. My mum became a grandmother at 50, and even she finds it difficult to babysit my child, let alone become a full time carer

I don't think you can just 'do IVF'. Even with women aged under 30(or 35) the success rate is like 30%?

I was going to start IVF recently - I'm 34 and you'd be surprised that even for me the statistics are not as good as they are for a 25-30 yo.

Have you had your eggs checked? Your chances are very slim.
Maybe with an egg donor. But you'll share no DNA with a baby, nothing wrong with it but not everyone's aware of that.

Sorry but sounds like you haven't done much research on this? How about a dog/s?

Too old, sorry to be blunt. Even with IVF and donor eggs the chances are slim (not impossible but slim) and you'll be heading into menopause in a couple of years which brings back a whole heap of mostly horrible changes in your body that would be horrific with a toddler in tow!

And parenting a teen in your 60s? No thank you!

I'm not that much older and I'm a newish Granny... I do part time care care for my baby grandson and I adore him, but it is so much more tiring that it was in my 20s and 30s.

I don't think 46 is too old to have a child, but I guess it depends on how you feel in yourself. If you're a healthy 46 year old, I'd say go for it!

Personally I was never one to be desperate for children either, but I also seemed to have some unexplained infertility issues which made the whole thing not really an option to consider seriously anyway. I then very surprisingly got pregnant naturally just 6 months ago. I'm 44 and absolutely thrilled. I'm so much more emotionally mature and able to bring up a child now than I would have been in my 20s or 30s.

Plenty of women have oops babies at your age and older. There's no harm in making an appointment at a fertility clinic to see what your options are. Then you can make a choice.

It's a crazy idea. You've left it far too late OP. How about fostering or adopting an older child?

Yes, way too old and selfish to have a child at that age.

IVF stats aside, I don't think it's too old. I had ds at 40, I'm 46 now and would love another, but dh has always been a firm 'no'. I'm not the oldest parent on the school run either.

My mum had me at 43 and she felt that was too old. Saying that though now I’m older and she’s older she has more energy then me sometimes she can do what she wants. Difference is she always wanted kids and it took her years to find my dad and conceive my brother and then me.

It is really common at your age to get an urge to have a baby, even if you already have lots of kids. It is pre-menopause hormones saying, this is your last chance. It is biologically driven, so think carefully if this is what you really want.

And most celebrities your age having kids are using donated eggs.

I have three friends who’ve conceived naturally and had healthy children at 44,45 and 47. So it’s possible but still statistically unlikely.

My biggest concern would be your mental health. Having a baby and the first few months are exhausting and if you’ve struggled with your MH in the past, you could find it triggers a downward spiral. Once you have a child, your needs become secondary, however, there’s no respite. So you need to be sure you can cope, as presumably your remaining parents are older and probably won’t be able to provide much support.

My friends who had babies later were already experienced parents, it was an unplanned third or fourth child in those cases.

I'm just a bit older than you and I think it's too late. Babies are hard work but so are teenagers. Even well behaved teens cause stress and worry in ways you can't imagine. I couldn't face dealing with that in my 60s.

I know two women who had babies in their late 40s (actually one was 51!) but both were using frozen embryos from their mid 30s. One of those women was trying for 11 years. The second woman I'm not sure, I wasn't privy to that information.

The other women I know who wanted babies after 45 were not able to conceive even with assistance. I am not trying to be negative, I want to present a realistic picture of success chances.

Age aside however, having a baby can be a big stress on your mental health. Has something changed with your mental health that you think you are in a better place to have a child? Do mental health struggles run in your family - do you think your child would be likely to be vulnerable to mental health struggles, and do you think you would be able to effectively support them if this was the case?

There is no problem in discussing your desire to have a baby with your health care provider. They can give you realistic information on your chances of having a baby and what it would mean for you.

I think it's too old, yes.

If you have thought long and and hard about it and you would really like to try for a baby, do it so you have no regrets, at least have a consultation.

An IVF clinic would test your AMH which will give an indication of your ovarian reserve (eggs remaining) although doesn't provide an indicator of egg quality.

If you go ahead with IVF, I strongly recommend PGT-A testing (genetic testing) of any embryos to eliminate any with chromosomal abnormalities (successful transfer would be unlikely or likely end in miscarriage). The proportion of those which are abnormal will be higher as you get older but does vary. At 38, we only had 1 normal embryo from 10 at our first collection. The transfer was successful but I had an MMC (turns out I also have immune issues which I am now addressing). Second time round we had 6 normal from 12 embryos and I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant after the first transfer from that round. Both DH I worked hard on life style changes and nutrition (we had a nutritionist on board) and it seemed to pay off - because egg quality is also about the environment in which the egg matures, and sperm quality important for normal embryo too (they will assess your DH's sperm quality). The IVF clinic even asked what we had done inbetween since going from 1 to 6 was a massive improvement.

IVF is not an easy journey in itself, the medications/injections can take a bit of toll but for me it was (and still is) the emotional roller coaster that is the hardest part and you have to be fully committed. There is also the financial aspect but if you are in a good position financially not the major consideration.

So are the chances statistically low, yes however you don't know until you try! M

Good luck!! X

Sorry I think it's incredibly selfish at age 46

IVF clinics likely will refuse to treat you with your own eggs at your age in any event and will only treat you with donor eggs which also had moral and ethical implications

It's different for everyone. I felt too old at 32 having my son. He was the fussiest baby on earth and we were constantly exhausted. If it's what you both want and you have a good support network go for it.

Personally, I wouldn't want to. Having a baby is exhausting. However it is the teenage years which would worry me more. DS1 was a nightmare teen and I was an emotional wreck. Doing that aged 63 or so would finish me off.

I had my 2nd DC at 40. He's now 18 and I'm 58. Being a (single) parent of teens in your 50s is exhausting.

@bonetiredwithtwins

Sorry I think it's incredibly selfish at age 46

IVF clinics likely will refuse to treat you with your own eggs at your age in any event and will only treat you with donor eggs which also had moral and ethical implications

Tbf it's incredibly selfish at any age. It's never about the baby, and always about the parents.

Do you really want a teenager in your 60s?
They are physically and mentally exhausting!!!!

Would be too old imo

I'm 54 and I'm healthy and fit enough to cope with a toddler, what I absolutely could not do is deal with a teenager/uni student into my 60's.

I think 46 is too old even without BPD.

Do you mean bi polar disorder? I have family experience of a younger person wanting a baby with this condition and then having a baby and following the pregnancy she has never been well enough to care for a baby which has had tragic consequences for the baby who Is now an adult. It’s not fair on the child.