Is 46 too old to be a first time mum?

[toooldtobeamum]

Been married to DH for 10 years and always thought we would not have a family.
I have BPD and always discounted the possibility due to medication and my MH.

I love kids, have a couple of god children and 5 nieces and nephews who I adore.

But - 46 in a few months and have been thinking more and more recently about it. We are financially stable and working wont be a problem.

I accept it probably won't happen naturally and we would need to consider IVF privately.
Am I absolutely mad for even considering this? Too old? Too crazy?

@missbunnyrabbit

Please don't. My mum was 'only' 40 when she had me and I have always been so aware of how much older she was than other people's parents. She is likely to die sooner than them too. So I get less time with my parents than other people. It makes me cry and cry. It breaks my heart.

Please adopt or get a dog or something.

What if it broke her heart that it took her years to have you?

What a ridiculous comment and very offensive to 'older' mums. Dogs aren't a replacement for babies

There are lots and lots of children who need adoption , or even fostering this could be very rewarding for you ! . Having a child at 27 was quite tough for me due to chronic pain , I'm now 9 weeks into my 2nd pregnancy at 33 and I can feel the difference on my body and I'm not managing aswel this time round and I'm only 9 weeks.

My friends mum fosters mothers and babies , they come to her for their first few months if they are struggling etc.

Also she fosters many babies and young children , she is absolutely fantastic at it she is in her 50's and how she manages all the night feeds etc is beyond me she is of a different breed :)

I would look into all your options ! .
Also got to think of the child , my dad was "older" when he had me and he is now in his 80's I'm only 33 so I will be without my father at quite a young age for this reason alone personally is the reason I would not have a baby in my 40's X

Good luck on whatever you choose

As a former midwife I say don’t do it.
In my 30 yrs in the job there are 2 problem groups, very young girls under 14yrs and over 40yrs with a first baby, the risk of complications are high, the risk of disability is very high.
That aside, do you really have the energy to look after a baby, is a baby going to fit into your present lifestyle.

I'd say yes, it's too old.

Having children hugely impacted my physical and mental health and I was just 32.
I had twins (not IVF). It was a relentless slog those first few years. What if this happens to you?

I'm 48 now and just the thought of having a baby/toddler around now gives me a chill in these perimenopausal/menopausal years.

I wouldn't recommend adoption. I grew up with 2 adopted siblings, one who arrived as a baby and the other as a 4 year old. They both turned out to have severe mental health problems which became apparent as they got a bit older. The whole thing actually ruined my childhood as well as destroyed my mother both physically and mentally - and she's one of the strongest women I've ever known. She was young (about 30) and fit when she adopted too.

I'm not saying all adoptions are like that by the way, but I'd try to get pregnant naturally if it was me, if it happens great, if not it's just not meant to be. And as others have said: IVF etc is an extremely long and exhausting process with a very very small success rate at your age. Private clinics don't actually post the correct figures, but if you ask an NHS consultant they'll tell you what the real success rates are. I was quite shocked when I found out.

I’m thinking your hormones are saying last chance I felt this way and I’m now over a year into peri menopause! I would not want a baby at 46 realistically xxxx

I know three woman who had babies at this age, one older than you. Financially they are able to have help and one has a lot of family around. Apart from the usual being tired I don't think they have had other issues, they are all very 'young' for their age, mentally and physically, very sporty and active.

I would start by exploring it with a private clinic, you can’t possibly know how you feel one way or the other without understanding some of the process of potentially having a baby.

I don’t think 46 is too old no, well depending how fit and healthy you are but I’m in my 40s with young children and I’m absolutely loving it, but obvs everyone’s health looks different.

Once you’ve talked to a clinic then you’ll be armed with the facts, you can then use those to work out your feelings around it.

No one on this site can tell you if it’s right or wrong for YOU

Good luck!

People talk about how men do this, but it is not the same. Becoming a parent at 47, I think that's ok. It's a little late, but you never know what is going to happen in life, and why not? But if both parents are in that age bracket? And one of them has given birth? I don't know, I think the reason why older dads is sometimes ok (not really old, but 47 fair enough) is that they don't give birth, they don't go through the physical stuff. You can be really in good shape and active into your 60s, but giving birth and having a baby is physically very hard, and doing that at 47, I wouldn't. Perhaps with a much younger husband.

It also depends on your child, my teenager is easy. Easy going, and it's my least stressful part of parenting.

I think it will be very tough but I’m sure also very rewarding . For me I had been having peri menopause symptoms for quite some time at your age and would have found it too much .

I’m 56 and I would say it is too old. Even if all the conception challenges were overcome, you would be dealing with a teenager at your own retirement age. Teenagers are not always a nightmare, but mine have been, mh issues, drugs; all sorts. It has left me very stressed. So from my very personal perspective I would say no; enjoy your life with your nice partner!

It is 95% not going to happen. And if you do pursue it it’s going to be a lot of time, money and focus (and likely donor eggs) for probably nothing at all. The worlds going to shit anyway so why not just enjoy what you already have in your life.

Adopting and fostering is a vocation - unless you have a huge drive to do this, don’t even consider it. It’s really tough - you only have to look at false accusations placed on many caregivers to open your eyes to the reality.

I know someone who had a baby at 50, her first and only. She was already ‘old’ for her age. Her child is in primary and she’s very controlling and regimented with him, but he’s still very compliant. Her partner is even older and she is looking after her very elderly mother. I think the teen years are a disaster waiting to happen.

First things first - fertility MOT. See if you're eggs are actually viable. If not you'll need an egg donor. You need to do this ASAP as it's harder to get an egg donor than sperm donor - as in less selection. You may need to consider treatment abroad eg Greece. Depending on your husband - you may need sperm donor also or consider embryo donation.

IVF will be expensive and take a physical and emotional toll.

If you're prepared for these issues then you need to book a consultation immediately. Ensure the clinic you select treats women over 45 and are reviewed highly - you can't be dicking around with a cheaper or less reputable clinic that takes ages to reply to messages.

A friend had her baby at 48. She used double donation and is very happy. It's an expensive and stressful path but for her it was worth it.

Have you looked at the miscarriage rates, OP? You know you’d be unlikely to carry a baby to term, if you did even get pregnant. It looks like you have an around 80% chance of miscarriage. It just sounds like you’d be setting yourself up for heartbreak.

www.bmj.com/content/320/7251/1708

[quote SheWoreYellow]Have you looked at the miscarriage rates, OP? You know you’d be unlikely to carry a baby to term, if you did even get pregnant. It looks like you have an around 80% chance of miscarriage. It just sounds like you’d be setting yourself up for heartbreak.

www.bmj.com/content/320/7251/1708[/quote]
This is why egg donation is recommended for women over 45 - it reduces miscarriage risk as the donor eggs are unlikely to have generic abnormalities / low quality.

If Op only wants to consider IVF with her own eggs then yes it's statistically unlikely to result in a healthy pregnancy and birth.

Too old and too crazy yes sorry. You did ask! And you did use those terms

It would be too old for me, OP.

For you? I couldn't say. The things that would make me wary are

• your and your partners ages (is he 46 too or is he younger?)
• your health and family history (at what ages did your parents start to feel old and develop serious illness?)
• your mental health and bpd (how well controlled is it, would you have to change meds in pregnancy, how do you cope with stressful situations, lack of sleep, losing routines?)
• have you considered it would likely have to be a donor egg, so no genetic relation to you?
• have you considered how you would manage if the child had additional needs?
• have you considered what a lifestyle change this would be for you - financially, losing the relative freedom to be selfish and go with your whims? (saying this as having dc when younger people have generally been less accustomed having years of this and so is a harder shift when older).

As pps have said, there are other ways to be valuable in children's lives - both of your family and outside.

I think if you already had children and fell pregnant naturally at 46, it's not so much an issue because you already know what having a baby entails. You are well rehearsed and the baby will have a support network in its older siblings throughout their life. I think it would be vert hard to start such a life changing and utterly exhausting journey at 46.

Yeh it's old. But if you're 100% sure it's what you want then I'd start shopping for ivf clinics as majority will not let you use your own eggs after age of 45. You might have to go abroad as they're more lenient out there.

@Sonygirl23

Sorry it's too old. My mum became a grandmother at 50, and even she finds it difficult to babysit my child, let alone become a full time carer

I think your mum is using that as an excuse as she wants to live her own life rather than be your free on-demand babysitter.

The idea that 50 is too old to babysit is frankly ridiculous!

My daughter was born when I was 49.
It's more tiring of course. (I also work full time.) But her social life hasn't suffered, to whichever ridiculous poster suggested that! She goes to gymnastics, science club, Brownies and has play dates every week as well as the park and swimming multiple times a week.

I have no judgement about age if a child is wanted and loved. I say go for it. You'd need to use donor eggs though, looking at the statistics.

@GrannytoaUnicorn

As a child of parents who were 40 (mum) & 45 (Dad) - Please, please don't.

The age gap was just too vast. My parents were tired before we were even born! I was bored senseless. My parents couldn't run around and play with us, had no real desire for much fun and were frankly, just too old to be parents!
I lost my Dad when I was just 26 and was not at all ready to lose a parent and he never got to meet my DC. My Mum will not live to see DC grow up.

Your parents just weren't very fit! I had mine at 40 and 43 and their dad is three years older than me. We do run around and play. and have an active outdoors lifestyle. Eldest is 8 now.