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Original poster

Is 46 too old to be a first time mum?

318 replies

toooldtobeamum · 25/12/2021 23:52

Been married to DH for 10 years and always thought we would not have a family.
I have BPD and always discounted the possibility due to medication and my MH.

I love kids, have a couple of god children and 5 nieces and nephews who I adore.

But - 46 in a few months and have been thinking more and more recently about it. We are financially stable and working wont be a problem.

I accept it probably won't happen naturally and we would need to consider IVF privately.
Am I absolutely mad for even considering this? Too old? Too crazy?

OP posts:
ratussbaguss · 28/12/2021 09:18

@HacerSonarSusPasos

I don't understand why everyone is so fixated on age and entirely disregarding the other factor of this equation. Borderline personality disorder is no joke, is notoriously damaging for the person's close relationships and has a huge potential to disrupt a kid's life.
I think people are dodging that and focusing on age because it seems less controversial
Swirlywoo · 28/12/2021 09:22

Children will always find something about their parents that they don't like - and people can drop dead at any age

So true. Congratulations on your pregnancy @MiracleBaby2022!

SilverRingahBells · 28/12/2021 09:27

Not that many people have a good understanding of BPD to be confident to comment, but everyone knows about parenthood and age.

Also there's reluctance on this forum to say that people should rule out parenthood on the basis of disability/medical conditions unless it's something absolutely drastic that will kill you within a couple of years or regularly get you sectioned. Sometimes not even then.

Fleetheart · 28/12/2021 09:46

I certainly agree that mental health is a massive one. there are few
people who would say that their mental health has been improved with a child. i have started taking sertraline recently which has certainly been triggered by some of the antics of one of my teenagers. My ex had MH issues; and the stress of toddlers made his situation much worse .

namechangeagain32 · 28/12/2021 10:13

I'm sure most people have an opinion on what age is too young to have a child, I'm not sure why it's suddenly unfair to have an upper age limit, age is a big factor in child bearing and parenting for lots of reasons, it's not just a number.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 28/12/2021 10:46

@namechangeagain32

I'm sure most people have an opinion on what age is too young to have a child, I'm not sure why it's suddenly unfair to have an upper age limit, age is a big factor in child bearing and parenting for lots of reasons, it's not just a number.
That's a very good point I hadn't considered.

I don't think anyone would consider it agist to say 17 is not an ideal age to become a mother, so why the double standards?

Moonbabysmum · 28/12/2021 11:57

I think it's teetering on the edge of too old, but I wouldn't judge anyone for it.

Where I live (not London but pretty middle class), most mums I meet at baby groups are in their late 30's - early 40s. With my first, I was one of the youngest first time mums in my NCT, and I was mid 30's. I have several friends who had their first at 40+, though mostly early 40s, not much later. Late 40s would make you one of the older mums, but only by a few years, and not to the extent that you'd stand out.

I also don't notice any real difference in energy levels between younger mums and older mums, though it's possible that would materialise more when the kids are teenagers.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 12:30

@Moonbabysmum I see it when the kids are older. One of my friends had her first baby at 42, second at 45. First has significant educational challenges. When they were babies and toddlers she was fine and active, usual level of sleep deprivation but okay. By the time they hit 8 and 11 she was constantly complaining about being knackered.
I never think mid to late forties is too old for babies in terms of energy levels, but most people don't have the same energy levels in their old to late fifties.
I thought the OP had bipolar? Women with bipolar are fine having kids if their bipolar is well controlled. If it is not, it is not a good idea and unfair on the kids.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 12:31

And middle-class mums usually overcome the lack of energy by having lots of paid help from cleaners to au pairs to lots of organised sports and other clubs.

Lifeisnteasy · 28/12/2021 12:57

I have to be honest and say the 40+ new mums that I know look quite gaunt, thin and exhausted compared to the younger ones. The younger ones tend to gain a bit of weight rather than lose it, so maybe that helps, I’m not sure.

5zeds · 28/12/2021 14:52

Arf at the “no energy for teenagers”, I’ve had 5 teens and I find them perfectly manageable and not at all “arduous”. They need a lot of driving to and fro and lots of chatting.....sounds a very good fit Forman older couple. Are all of you who are saying “don’t do it” particularly young mums? Loads of people have children in their 40s.

flipflop76 · 28/12/2021 15:05

@Lifeisnteasy

I have to be honest and say the 40+ new mums that I know look quite gaunt, thin and exhausted compared to the younger ones. The younger ones tend to gain a bit of weight rather than lose it, so maybe that helps, I’m not sure.

Haha not me then! I'm 45 with a 20 month old and I'm a size 18!

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 15:06

@5zeds do you not have family days out with lots of family activities as well?
Anyway just repeating what this woman says about how exhausted she is all the time.

5zeds · 28/12/2021 16:00

@RoyalFamilyFan yes we do, why? Honestly 60 isn’t ancient do you think you’re going to suddenly fossilise?

whomoon · 28/12/2021 16:03

@toooldtobeamum
Whilst I haven’t got any children of my own, and TTC our first at 35, I could never imagine taking any notice of other people telling me whether to be a mum or not, regardless of their reasonings.

You have one life. If it’s something you want, please do it. Take no notice of anyone else’s opinions one what you should do.

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 16:04

@RoyalFamilyFan

Out of interest, when did you have your children? And how old were you?

SetSail · 28/12/2021 16:10

@Phrenologistsfinger

I’d be worried about egg quality but then I am struggling now at 39 via IVF. You may be lucky and conceive naturally but for IVF to work you might well need donor eggs in mid-late 40s. The news stories never mention that aspect funnily…
So true. Had similar struggles in my mid/late thirties. I was shocked by the egg quality issues already usually present from 35 and also how low the success rates for IVF are. Plus how little is actually understood about female fertility.
beentoldcomputersaysno · 28/12/2021 16:18

Plenty of women have kids in their 40s.

namechangeagain32 · 28/12/2021 16:31

Plenty of women have kids in their 40s.

Lots of teenagers do too.

starfishofbethlehem · 28/12/2021 16:36

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

You can OP but just bear in mind when the menopause hits it's like a punch in the gut so you need a DP who can just take over.
Thats a very generalised statement. Not everyone has a bad menopause.
SetSail · 28/12/2021 17:27

And plenty cannot. Not trying to be mean, speaking from personal experience. Op should go for it if she wants to, absolutely, but hopefully with all the facts so she can be aware of all the issues. Forewarned is forearmed and all that.

Fleetheart · 28/12/2021 18:56

i think the point is that your child may be the easiest child ever OR they could have all kinds of things which make them difficult to handle. My own experience with two teenagers who had ADHD and AsD was that their behaviour got much much harder to deal with as they became teenagers. It is hard to deal with at any age, but mid 50s I think you have less energy for that kind of stuff than mid 30s. on a hypothetical level if I could have my time again I would have children at 25! I am 56 now and sometimes could just do with a quieter life than these teenagers prefer!

Rainbowshit · 28/12/2021 19:23

I'm 45 and would have another in a shot.

Franticbutterfly · 28/12/2021 22:31

Yes it's too old! My mum was 47 when I had my first child.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 22:46

@Fleetheart my biggest regret in life was not having kids very young. I had so much energy.