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Original poster

Is 46 too old to be a first time mum?

318 replies

toooldtobeamum · 25/12/2021 23:52

Been married to DH for 10 years and always thought we would not have a family.
I have BPD and always discounted the possibility due to medication and my MH.

I love kids, have a couple of god children and 5 nieces and nephews who I adore.

But - 46 in a few months and have been thinking more and more recently about it. We are financially stable and working wont be a problem.

I accept it probably won't happen naturally and we would need to consider IVF privately.
Am I absolutely mad for even considering this? Too old? Too crazy?

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 26/12/2021 08:10

Honestly yes I do think it's to old. I was 39 when my youngest was born and DH was nearly 47. Youngest was a surprise. We adore him but the reality is when he is 13 his dad will be 60. Its definitely more tiring the older you get.

LividLaVidaLoca · 26/12/2021 08:14

The people casually throwing in “why don’t you adopt an older child?” like that isn’t something that would take years and years and dedication and be very very difficult, even more so than parenting a birth child, need to give their head a wobble.

BurnedToast · 26/12/2021 08:18

I think it's too old personally. DHs parents were in their 40s when he was born which meant we were dealing with their old age when the DCs came along. But I've had children who are now teens , and I'm about your age, so my perspective is different.

Huy456 · 26/12/2021 08:20

I had an older mother with bpd and it was abysmal. I think poor MH combined with hormone changes and just generally being knackered was a total recipe for disaster.

I would consider fostering instead, then you can get proper support and breaks in between, and make a huge positive difference to children's lives.

SallyWD · 26/12/2021 08:21

I've just turned 47 and I don't think it's an ideal time to have a baby. I'm perimenopausal, the menopause is on the horizon within the next few years which can obviously bring a lot of upheaval and be difficult. I just feel feel differently, mentally and physically - like I'm entering a new phase of life and can't really imagine dealing with babies and toddlers now. The thought of having a teenager in my 60s is unappealing and a bit scary! But OP you need to consider everything and decide if it's for you. We're all different.

Ginger1982 · 26/12/2021 08:26

@sweetbellyhigh what's incredibly selfish at any age? Having a baby or having IVF?

ttcpatronisers · 26/12/2021 08:26

Sorry Op but for me it's too old. I'm 35 and TTC my first and already I feel a bit old for it so at 46 now way.

It's a personal choice though - I don't think asking others opinions on something like this is helpful for you.

OakRowan · 26/12/2021 08:26

I don't think you can adopt or foster if you have significant mh problems, as a safeguarding issue for the kids and for your own welfare, if you have a condition that may be made worse by stress, sleep deprivation, challenging behaviour etc, you need to be well enough and stable enough all the time to provide a safe home and to stay well yourself.

sweetbellyhigh · 26/12/2021 08:30

[quote Ginger1982]@sweetbellyhigh what's incredibly selfish at any age? Having a baby or having IVF? [/quote]
Having a baby. That was in response to the poster, was it you? who claimed it was incredibly selfish at 46.

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/12/2021 08:30

@ratussbaguss

In all honesty I would say it's too late, beating in mind how long the path of ivf may take plus the time for pregnancy. Having a baby can take an enormous toll on your mental health and physical health for that matter. It's really hard to explain what it's like even when you've got nephews etc. And I don't mean that in a patronising way I'm talking from my own experience. If you're talking about having "more to offer" I don't think creating a new life is necessarily the way to go. There are many ways you can live a rich and worthwhile life helping others etc without a baby (god, it's easier to!)
I am pregnant right now and completely agree with all of this.

I had/have a good stable life (wonderful relationship with DH, nice home, good jobs, good health) and the mental toll and loneliness and anxiety around pregnancy (I'm "only" 38 but there are increased health risks) has TOTALLY SHOCKED me.
I east expecting it and wasn't prepared for it. No one seems to talk about this either... I would really think twice before going ahead.

oftenbaffled · 26/12/2021 08:31

Yes
Quite simply, yes

namechangeagain32 · 26/12/2021 08:31

Honestly I think it's far too old but whatever decision you make it'll be important to understand that unless you have a lot of money to throw at this it's not very likely to happen. Celebrities make it look so easy!

oftenbaffled · 26/12/2021 08:31

I say this from perspective of someone who’s father had me at 49

PassingByAndThoughtIdDropIn · 26/12/2021 08:36

Personally I wouldn't go for it, but it partly depends how old your DH is. If he's your age or younger that's one thing. If he's ten years older, or a smoker, it's quite another.

It always strikes me how many people who've never looked into it think that IVF is a magic solution for age- related sub fertility. It can be miraculous at fixing specific fertility issues, but it will mot make you younger. The options are not "see if it comes naturally but if it doesn't we'll use IVF", they're "see if it comes naturally and if it doesn't we'll spend the price of a house deposit buying another woman's eggs".

NotMyDayJob · 26/12/2021 08:37

At 46 you are statistically as likely to conceive naturally as for IVF with your own eggs to work. The vast majority of women who get pregnant in their mid to later 40s are using donor eggs. So I would say, if you want to try, try, if you've not hit menopause then biologically speaking it can still happen. But I wouldn't waste your money on IVF. I say this as a 41 year old pregnant with a donor egg after many miscarriages (and this pregnancy has not been plain sailing). 42 was my personal cut off. Incidentally my DGM was 42 when she had my DM in the 50s. I can assure you all I am a much younger 41 than she was and my DM has no reservations about me going ahead with this pregnancy due to my age.

Macaroni46 · 26/12/2021 08:39

I think too old too OP. Sorry. My health has seriously declined in the last couple of years. At 46 I still felt quite lively. Now I've got arthritis in both knees and my mobility is compromised. I can manage things for myself but a baby / toddler I would struggle to look after on a daily basis.

gunnersgold · 26/12/2021 08:41

I'm 47 with a 10 year old and I'm tired , I'm fit and healthy but I feel too old to have a small child . All my friends are free with teens going off to uni ! Also your eggs are 46 years old and things can go very wrong ! Not everything is detectable in utero !

user1471604848 · 26/12/2021 08:41

I think it's a bit old to START thinking about it. IVF is a very slow process. Some tests can only be done at certain times of the month, so months pass very easily. Also, you'll likely need an egg donor, so there is a waiting list for that. You could go abroad, but then you'd need time to research which country/clinic to go to.

I had twins at 47 (I'm 49 now). I started IVF at 40, and it took 10 rounds and two miscarriages.
Luckily age didn't impact on the pregnancy - I flew through it with no symptoms at all. The birth was fine (scheduled c-section) and I was running around within 2 days.
I'm tired now with toddlers and working full-time in a very demanding senior role. But I think I'd be tired even if I were 10 years younger.
Also, I didn't have to worry about menopause. During a check-up when my babies were 9-months old, I was told I'm post-menopausal. I never had any symptoms. So somehow the menopause coincided with being pregnant.

I'm also not worried about being an older mum. My mum was 42 having me (and 44 having my brother), and my parents are still active 91 and 92-year olds. I was always proud to have older parents - my mum had a career before having kids (which was unusual in Ireland in the 60s/70s). The only sad bit is that they won't see my kids grow to be adults.

RandomMess · 26/12/2021 08:41

You are in a good place now, happy and stable. You have all the emotional and hormonal turmoil of peri /menopause about to hit.

Parenting teens is usually so hard, the emotional toll on MH can be huge.

Parenting teens in my 60s, no thank you!!

You can be a wonderful aunt and uncle to the DNs you could look into being respite carers too perhaps.

I think your feelings are real and valid and spend some time working through the grief of not having DC.

Thanks
HMBB · 26/12/2021 08:42

So many say it is too old but I had my daughter at 42 and I have never felt that I didn't have the energy to keep up!!

Now she is 9. There are 6 mums in DDs class who have turned 50. I don't stand out like a sore thumb, nobody thinks I am her grandma and I don't use a Zimmer frame or have a blue rinse.

She is the best DD ever amd I have never ever regretted have her. We have so much fun and she is amazing. Go for it if you really want to!

cptartapp · 26/12/2021 08:42

My friend had her second set of twins at 47. Her first set were 17.

gogohm · 26/12/2021 08:43

It's possible, family of ours conceived naturally having thought she was too oldGrin

But it's very hard when older, they are so exhausted, struggling a bit with the life adjustments whereas when you are young it's easier to go with the flow. If you also have mh issues that will be compounded. I wouldn't consider it if you need to work really, the stress of dealing with childcare plus the house might be too much where as if you are a stay at home mum it's a little less stressful

astockingforme · 26/12/2021 08:43

IVF& age aside. I would be more concerned about your mental health. Pregnancy can be really tough, sleep deprivation is torture and then general child rearing is exhausting. I have 2 children with SEN (inc adhd and autism) and they require even higher levels of care. It's relentless.

I would have thought it unlikely any of my children would have SEN however with the benefit of hindsight I can see nearly everyone in my family is neurodivergent but mostly undiagnosed- a lot have had depression and/or anxiety as a result. Having children when you already find the world a quite stressful place is extra demanding. However that's not to say you shouldn't try but really go into it with eyes open. Assume you will suffer at times and think about if the baby with be able to thrive in those situations.

MissMaple82 · 26/12/2021 08:45

I'm sorry, but it's too old, you're pushing towards 50. Bringing up children is exhausting, you need to be physically fit, and I suspect they will grow up feeling embarrassed by having such an old mum. And there is also the fact that they would lose you earlier which I think is unfair. You should of had kids earlier in life.

oftenbaffled · 26/12/2021 08:46

@HMBB

So many say it is too old but I had my daughter at 42 and I have never felt that I didn't have the energy to keep up!!

Now she is 9. There are 6 mums in DDs class who have turned 50. I don't stand out like a sore thumb, nobody thinks I am her grandma and I don't use a Zimmer frame or have a blue rinse.

She is the best DD ever amd I have never ever regretted have her. We have so much fun and she is amazing. Go for it if you really want to!

42

But the OP is thinking about it at 46

Best case scenario is gives birth at 47 but that really is best case.

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