Is 46 too old to be a first time mum?

[toooldtobeamum]

Been married to DH for 10 years and always thought we would not have a family.
I have BPD and always discounted the possibility due to medication and my MH.

I love kids, have a couple of god children and 5 nieces and nephews who I adore.

But - 46 in a few months and have been thinking more and more recently about it. We are financially stable and working wont be a problem.

I accept it probably won't happen naturally and we would need to consider IVF privately.
Am I absolutely mad for even considering this? Too old? Too crazy?

Personally I think it's not the baby and toddler stage but when you get to 60 with a young teenager. I think it's a bit selfish tbh.

You're unlikely, unless your child has children young, to be a grandparent. And as my young children only have 1 themselves, I think this would make your child sad. It's a special relationship.

But if you decide to go ahead, best of luck.

@5zeds personally '60 is not fossilised' agree it's not. It's fine to do normal daily activities that age but raise a 10-15yr old every day - no way

My in laws are all 58-63 (8 of them, 2 sides divorced). None could handle an under 3 for a day. Some will have my kids for a day or a dog walk or a weekend as long as 2 of them there doing nothing else except watching my kids. Most have a daytime nap and would need a 'quiet day' to recover after a big event eg a train journey more than a few hours

None would I ever ever except to successfully manage teens every day! All would just be exhausted and end up giving up and kid running feral.. !!

[quote 2022newyear]@5zeds personally '60 is not fossilised' agree it's not. It's fine to do normal daily activities that age but raise a 10-15yr old every day - no way

My in laws are all 58-63 (8 of them, 2 sides divorced). None could handle an under 3 for a day. Some will have my kids for a day or a dog walk or a weekend as long as 2 of them there doing nothing else except watching my kids. Most have a daytime nap and would need a 'quiet day' to recover after a big event eg a train journey more than a few hours

None would I ever ever except to successfully manage teens every day! All would just be exhausted and end up giving up and kid running feral.. !![/quote]

My mum is 70 and has my 20 month old for the day no problems. She takes her to the park, runs around with her and really enjoys it.

Remember 60-year-olds will also still be working full time as well as having kids.

Do whatever feels right for you.
I had my only baby at 44. Natural conception. I didn’t consider IVF, just wasn’t an option for me.
I was at peace with not having kids... But, I’m thrilled that we did have our son. I’m prepared for the fact that he might feel differently, when he’s older.

My friend who had her last child at 47
(unplanned surprise) is now 60 and she has found it harder than with her older two, she finds the day-to-day parenting draining. But she certainly doesn’t regret having him.

@flipflop76

My mum is 70 and has my 20 month old for the day no problems. She takes her to the park, runs around with her and really enjoys it.

Similar - my dad (71) looked after my ds (just 5) for 11 days and nights by himself when I had to travel last year. My dm, then in her late 60s, also had my son when he was younger (2yo+) for overnights - longest was 3 nights. Neither of them collapsed or needed to recover from the experience . I'm rather bewildered at the huge assumption that as soon as you hit 60 that you can't deal with children and start falling
to pieces physically.. Both my parents, now both in their 70s, are in fine form.

[quote Shmithecat2]@flipflop76

My mum is 70 and has my 20 month old for the day no problems. She takes her to the park, runs around with her and really enjoys it.

Similar - my dad (71) looked after my ds (just 5) for 11 days and nights by himself when I had to travel last year. My dm, then in her late 60s, also had my son when he was younger (2yo+) for overnights - longest was 3 nights. Neither of them collapsed or needed to recover from the experience . I'm rather bewildered at the huge assumption that as soon as you hit 60 that you can't deal with children and start falling
to pieces physically.. Both my parents, now both in their 70s, are in fine form.[/quote]
My grandma (76) could absolutely deal with my toddler for a full day, maybe overnight as well. She has bags of energy and has 5 children, many grandchildren & now great grandchildren.

However she couldn’t look after DD for an extended length of time, or in a parent-like manner - she would be okay for a day or two because she would then get to rest and recharge her batteries.

I just don’t recognise your description of 60 year olds. It’s confusing because I wouldn’t say I come from a particularly fit family. The can’t open with children, needing extensive rest is something I would expect. in my 80s.

My Grandmother had her first stroke by 70 (she was a very healthy, fit woman, it was cruel) and could barely look after herself, my other grandmother died in her 60s (she wasn't in very good health though to be fair) as with anything know one can know exactly how we will be when we're older as parents or grandparents but statistically we know health will diminish. What I do know, is when you look at threads about grandparent help is you will see very often "my parents can't have my children for long". Parenting has been so much easier for me with young, fit grandparents who take my kids for weeks at a time in the school holidays.

Also, don't forget the risk of having elderly parents and dependent children at the same time. But to be fair my mum had that despite only having me in her early 20s due to my Grandparent's stroke at 70 (but she had my mum later).

@RoyalFamilyFan

@toooldtobeamum my biggest regret in life was not having kids very young. I had so much energy

I had mine reasonably young (mid 20s) and was energetic before having them. Twins made me permanently exhausted!!

@userisi2

My Grandmother had her first stroke by 70 (she was a very healthy, fit woman, it was cruel) and could barely look after herself, my other grandmother died in her 60s (she wasn't in very good health though to be fair) as with anything know one can know exactly how we will be when we're older as parents or grandparents but statistically we know health will diminish. What I do know, is when you look at threads about grandparent help is you will see very often "my parents can't have my children for long". Parenting has been so much easier for me with young, fit grandparents who take my kids for weeks at a time in the school holidays.

Also, don't forget the risk of having elderly parents and dependent children at the same time. But to be fair my mum had that despite only having me in her early 20s due to my Grandparent's stroke at 70 (but she had my mum later).

But ill health and strokes aren't exclusive to over 60s 🤨. My aunt died at 33 from cancer. Left 3 young children behind. Cancer can affect anyone, maybe no one should have children at all?

@Shmithecat2 no of course not, but as I said the older you get the more the risk increases for these things to happen, at no point did I say it was inevitable.

So I'd be very nervous to have a child late in life due to the fact that previous generations of my family have suffered from ill health at a relatively young age (that's not to say I wouldn't have had a child late if that was the only way I could do it, but it's something I'd need to factor in and consider).

No, I don’t think it’s too old at all.
If you really want it you should try.
But with your age comes reduced chances and your mental health would also be something to consider.
But neither of these are reasons alone not to try.
I think you need to think about firstly wether you want it enough. If the answers yes then I’d start with a fertility mot asap to see what your starting point is.
If it all looks good then have a discussion with your doctor about proceeding and the effects on your health etc, to get all the facts, risks and the opportunity to discuss any concerns you and your partner may have.
Then once you’ve done this you’re in a better position to decide wether it’s still for you and if so how to get started.
For varying reasons I am not far off 41 and am currently starting the process of ivf.
I am single, sadly not as financially stable as you and also have arthritis and not perfect mental health.
I have considered everything thoroughly, consulted my specialist and gp.
I have discussed it with my family to ascertain what kind of support network I would have and have completed fertility tests.
I have prepared myself for the possibility that I might never succeed and that if I did I might struggle with certain aspects.
I have thought through every single scenario and given great consideration to wether it’s selfish of me, and tbh I do think to a degree it is,
But ultimately this is something I have wanted my entire life, deeply regret not trying earlier and even if I fail I will at least know I tried.
For those that say foster or adopt, I have not ruled either of these out as options, but sadly the system has ruled me out. You cannot do either of these if you don’t have a spare bedroom for starters, let alone the multitude of other restrictions.
For those that say about dying when the child is younger.
My parents had me at 30 and 32 and I lost my dad when I was 39 and my mums still going strong.
I however have multiple friends who lost a parent whilst we were at school, a colleague who lost one when she was 12 and multiple school friends who had children as adults and died when they were young.
Sadly nobody ever knows what tomorrow may bring.
For those that say if you didn’t want it before then you prob don’t now.
I had a friend that was adamant she never wanted to be a mother. She was like this for many years until one day she came full circle and decided she now wanted to try. She had a son and is an amazing mother.

So the answer really isn’t wether you are too old, woman used to be considered of pregnancy age between the age of 18 and 50 and pretty much started having children when they got married and continued having them till they no longer could. They never considered age as a factor.
The answer is more how much you want it, how much fertility you have and how well prepared you both are mentally and physically.
If you want it and think you can do it, then I say go for it and I wish you lots of luck 🙂

There is absolutely no problem with having reception age kids in your 50s. Hang out in Brighton and that’s the average age at the school gates. Standard these days. Anything goes. I look and feel 10 years younger and it’s never been an issue.,total fun. Happy days. Go for it. The only regret is I wish I’d done it in my 30s so I could have had a load more. Loving it. Sleepless nights don’t bother me because menopause keeps me up anyway. What about a surrogate. If you’re financially well off chuck money at the problem. Pay someone. If it was me, and you can easily afford it, pay two people to have the babies. Do two at the same time. Why not. I’m for a Penny etc etc. I’ve got loads of older friends who have baby twins. It’s not the 1970s. You’ve got the finances, spend them.

Not too old!! I think it's probably going to be harder to conceive but there's no morality to it....some people have kids at 25 and hate it, some people at 45 and love it.

I'm 36 and TTC but my coparent is 57. My mum and my aunt both had healthy accidental pregnancies in their mid 40s (43 and 46 respectively - though they did have kinds already and I think that might make a difference in terms of egg reserves). I have a friend about to give birth at 45 after two rounds of IVF. I would get assessed by a clinic ASAP to get your FSH levels and ovarian reserves checked.

@trickytimes

There is absolutely no problem with having reception age kids in your 50s. Hang out in Brighton and that’s the average age at the school gates. Standard these days. Anything goes. I look and feel 10 years younger and it’s never been an issue.,total fun. Happy days. Go for it. The only regret is I wish I’d done it in my 30s so I could have had a load more. Loving it. Sleepless nights don’t bother me because menopause keeps me up anyway. What about a surrogate. If you’re financially well off chuck money at the problem. Pay someone. If it was me, and you can easily afford it, pay two people to have the babies. Do two at the same time. Why not. I’m for a Penny etc etc. I’ve got loads of older friends who have baby twins. It’s not the 1970s. You’ve got the finances, spend them.

The blithe way in which you suggest surrogacy and chucking money at the problem....Clearly no ethical or moral issues should be allowed get in the way so long as we money to make our problems go away. I find it simultaneously depressing and chilling.

@trickytimes

There is absolutely no problem with having reception age kids in your 50s. Hang out in Brighton and that’s the average age at the school gates. Standard these days. Anything goes. I look and feel 10 years younger and it’s never been an issue.,total fun. Happy days. Go for it. The only regret is I wish I’d done it in my 30s so I could have had a load more. Loving it. Sleepless nights don’t bother me because menopause keeps me up anyway. What about a surrogate. If you’re financially well off chuck money at the problem. Pay someone. If it was me, and you can easily afford it, pay two people to have the babies. Do two at the same time. Why not. I’m for a Penny etc etc. I’ve got loads of older friends who have baby twins. It’s not the 1970s. You’ve got the finances, spend them.

And where would OP go for a refund if she needed one? Would she get a receipt? Can they be delivered by Amazon Prime?