Is 46 too old to be a first time mum?

[toooldtobeamum]

Been married to DH for 10 years and always thought we would not have a family.
I have BPD and always discounted the possibility due to medication and my MH.

I love kids, have a couple of god children and 5 nieces and nephews who I adore.

But - 46 in a few months and have been thinking more and more recently about it. We are financially stable and working wont be a problem.

I accept it probably won't happen naturally and we would need to consider IVF privately.
Am I absolutely mad for even considering this? Too old? Too crazy?

I had my only at 43, ivf, own eggs. Am now a single parent - it is hard, it I wouldn’t change it for the world.

^But I wouldn’t change it for the world…

I too think you have left it too late to just start to think about it - surely there is a good reason you've not tried to date.

Also not just your age, but not all babies are born 'perfect' and you need to accept that this is a risk.

There are lots of men who are first time dads in their 40s so it shouldn’t be any different for you but unfortunately it is.

Have you considered fostering or adoption? There’s no age limit.

@Lolamento

Yes, way too old and selfish to have a child at that age.

That's very unkind of you to say.

I had an older father and was very embarrassed at the playground collection (which he rarely did so my friends didn't know him well) when people always thought he was my grandfather. Add to that my parents then divorced while I was a child and my DM got diagnosed with dementia at age 50, personally I would never have a child that late. I'm an only child and had to become a carer very young.

I had two children in early twenties and found it all quite easy. Had a child in late thirties and I've aged about ten years! But what matters here is what you and your partner want. Yes it will be more complicated and you need to be prepared for that but if you feel emotionally ready to take this on then yes you should do it.

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

I think 46 is too old even without BPD.

Do you mean bi polar disorder? I have family experience of a younger person wanting a baby with this condition and then having a baby and following the pregnancy she has never been well enough to care for a baby which has had tragic consequences for the baby who Is now an adult. It’s not fair on the child.

That is very sad but it should be noted than many mothers manage their mental health issues perfectly well.

I never get the selfish comments. At what age does it go from not being selfish to selfish? And why? The average life expectancy of women in the UK is in their 80s. So if you have a child in your 40s that child will likely be in their 40s when you die. I’d have hoped long before then the children would be established in their life and living independently. Also in the past life expectancy was much lower so even 20 something parents wouldn’t have expected to see their children past their 40th birthdays.

The problem is yiu can only talk about this generally.

Talking generally, yes I believe its to old.

My teenager takes alot of energy. Uni visits, applications, emotional and practical support learning to navigate being an adult.

I have found it the most intensive time, apart from the new born phase. It's not what I would want to do in my 60s.

Having a parent in their 60s in your teens isn't much fun either. Having a fairly high probability that your parents will die in your 20s, isn't great either.

And this is all assuming you have the energy to look after a baby and toddler into your 50s.

I know people will say 'well Susan had her at 46 and has the energy' or 'I am fitter now than I was when I was 26'.

You may live an extremely fit and active life until you are 100 and the child is middle age. Someone else could die in their 30s. Doesn't change the fact that generally people don't have as much energy when they are older. It doesn't change the fact that chance are higher, that you will die while the child is still relatively young.

Someone else having fun a perfectly healthy baby or if successfully at that age, doesn't change that risks are increased for older mothers.

I donr judge older mothers, because I think we all have to make decisions we are happy with.

But generally, I do think it's too old.

Everyone is different, I had mine at 38 and 40 so also on the older side. I have loved every minute but know for me 46 is too far. Good luck in whatever you decide to do

I don’t think it’s too old lifestyle wise but in all probability you are too old for either natural or IVF conception.

You have

They'll tell you this if you go to a reliable IVF clinic, the quality of your eggs drops off a cliff from 40 so they'd recommend you use donor eggs. They'll happily take your money at around 10k a round mind. It works roughly 1 in 4 times so I'd have around 40k set aside for a (I assume you'd have to go privately as you'd be too old for nhs.) so yes you're probably too old. Would you consider foster care or adoption? There's loads of kids out there crying out for loving homes and you clearly have love to give, but are probably too old to conceive and it's an awful lot of money to put aside for IVF which doesn't guarantee success for even young women.

It is not unheard of for people to have babies in their late forties so no, not too late.

It is interesting that some people on here will say that 46 is too late to become a mother because you will be too tired and yet will be full of congratulations if s man announces that he is becoming a first time dad aged 50+/60+. And these men are sometimes sahm dads because they are retired whereas their wives still go to work. So it is not a case of older dads won't be tired because they are not doing the majority of the childcare.

Personally I would go for it. If you wont do it now then you will be repenting for rest of your life. We only live once and becoming a mother is wonderful experience. I would not miss it because of age. Life is short . You are financially stable and you dont have to rushing back to work after maternity.
One thing i would say just try this without putting too much hope in IVF. I wish you all the best.

Too old for a man or woman. Why did you leave it so late????

I know someone who did it at 54. But she was workaholic and used nannies when she was at the office.

I'd say that 46 is too old.

I had DD at 37 and that felt a bit old too. Much higher chances of something going wrong.

I would agree with PP, it’s a bit late, but totally your decision, wishing you all the very best for the future.

It definitely can happen, I think perhaps just give it a try! I have a friend who had her first and only at 45 and she and her daughter have a wonderful relationship.

Yes I think it’s too old.

Far more risk of a child with special needs Harder on yourself and your potential child.

Honestly, no. Having a baby is HARD. So hard. And with increased maternal age comes increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities. As a parent to a disabled child, I would strongly recommend considering very carefully how you would cope with this sort of scenario rather than just the rose tinted, fluffy newborn aspects.

Without a background of robust mental health, I just think it would be way too much.

Also, if you are 46 now, even if you are successful, you could easily be 48 by the time the baby is born. You’ll be in your 50s by the time they start primary school. By the time your child finishes university, you’ll be 70.

I think IVF has its place, but helping women who are past their natural child bearing years isn't it.

As a child of parents who were 40 (mum) & 45 (Dad) - Please, please don't.

The age gap was just too vast. My parents were tired before we were even born! I was bored senseless. My parents couldn't run around and play with us, had no real desire for much fun and were frankly, just too old to be parents!
I lost my Dad when I was just 26 and was not at all ready to lose a parent and he never got to meet my DC. My Mum will not live to see DC grow up.

I think that it would be a very expensive thing to do with a fairly minimal chance of success.
You mention bpd so I also think you need to consider the impact on your health