Wanting to start a family but scared of being judged

[Dex1521]

Hi everyone, me and my fiancé are wanting to start TTC and have a family as there is an age gap of 19 years between us (he's 41 im 22) and so my other half wants to start now (and so do I as I feel ready), however im scared of being judged for being a "young mum".
Im 22 however im much more mature than my age, ive graduated from university and have a full time job, we also are buying a house in the new year and we are engaged but I know there is a lot of stigma around being young and pregnant. The baby would be born into a financially stable loving family, I know my sister will be over the moon but I have very old fashioned and opinionated mum and auntie and I feel if I dont have their support its going to be really hard for me. We have also moved to England from NI, reason im mentioning this is I dont really have the support circle of friends either as they live all over the UK so my mum and auntie are important too me.

Any advice please and would be interesting to know your opinions on young mums too. Thanks x

You are not a child , you are an independent adult. It’s nobody’s business but you and your partners.
They may kick off to begin with but you are expecting it, and they will soon come round.
Good luck.
And you are an old mum compared to those pregnant in high school 😉

Hi @Dex1521 I would never judge a 22 year old on having a baby. When you say young I think of a 16 year old.

Firstly, who cares what other people think. Secondly, with your family, whose opinion does matter, if they understand it was totally planned and felt right i am sure they will come around. And once a baby is here I have no doubt they will love it so much they could never feel negativity towards your choices.

Make sure you find local mums to be in your area so you have a great support network. There are probably people on here that live right around the corner!

Follow your heart. Life is too short ❤

If you are planning to give up your job or even go part time then get married first. You have no financial protection otherwise.

Thats a really good idea, I've only been off my mini pill for a week (on Tuesday) so its still very early days but would definitely love to meet others mums. Thank you for your kind reply definitely given me peace of mind x

I'm 22 and expecting my second, engaged to the dad of both my babies and own our own place...would of been married but corona ruined that🙄😂 best thing I have ever done! Good luck x

I would recommend being married first, but other than that go for it. Being a young mum is great.

@Dex1521 I was 24 when I had my DD but I look very young, I've never had anybody say anything to me or stare, or maybe I simply haven't noticed as I could not care less what anybody thinks We also got married when I was 21 and we've now been together over 10 years, I definitely got comments then but eventually you just don't bother anymore, as long as your happy thats all that matters.
Also I have a lot of respect for young mums, its not easy and I've seen better young mums than plenty of others (I work with children and families) Do what evers best for you and your partner, your family/friends will come around.

I had 4 children by aged 30 and I have never been judged for my age. Judged for everything else perhaps, but that's parenting. You don't get praise and you get unsolicited advice and judgement all the time.

Have you thought about getting married first? It will give you greater financial protection if your partner leaves you or dies and you've reduced your hours or had maternity leaves which impact on your work life. It also makes registering a birth a tiny bit easier as he can go alone!

I was 24 when I had my DS and I have no regrets whatsoever. Life is too short and I get to be part of his life longer. Good luck!

Are you planning to get married first?

Don't do it, and don't waste your youth on a man twice your age. Dump him and enjoy being young and free. Seriously.

I’d have missed out on a lot of fun if I’d had a baby at 22 tbh. And to a certain extent, I would be a bit dubious about a 41 year old who was encouraging that. I got together with my DP when I was a year younger than you (there’s also a big age gap.) We broke up. We’re now back together and have two children. He’s an older dad as a result, but we are both so glad we waited. I would have missed out on so so much.

I agree with Greebols....

But if determined to go down this route start taking your pills again until married.

I also know I would have ended up resenting him hugely if I hadn’t had the time to go and live life a bit. We both know it would never ever have worked long term, even with babies. He’s wonderful, but even so, I know I would have ended up feeling trapped and angry.

Nothing wrong with being a younger mum, we all wait too long now (speaking as someone about to have their first at 32) but get married first. Solidify your attachment to each other before you bring another being into the equation.

Get married first. Otherwise you really aren't financially stable, he is.

I’m 24 and pregnant with DC2. My fiancé is 38. We have been together almost 4 years and I wouldn’t have it any other way. If it wasn’t for corona and me getting pregnant with DS1 we would have been married by now. Some people want to do lots of things before they have children some people want to do things with/ after they have children. By having my babies now I should be able to catch up career wise when other women are taking time off to have their babies. I think there’s defiantly advantages and disadvantages to having babies at any age but if your dp wants children do it now. Not a lot of people realise older sperm can lead to problems conceiving and increased risks of certain conditions. I wouldn’t put it off just because of other peoples opinions :)

No judgment here, it’s not that young to be a mum at all but the time you have conceived and been pregnant!

I would however think twice about the age gap and not being married before children. Think about when you are thirty and your husband is 50 ? You maybe very mature for your age and that why boys in their twenties are annoying to you but someone in their early thirties or late twenties would be so much better long term.

Forget being engaged, forget buying a house - the only thing that really matters before you have a family is being married. Do it first. Not agree to get married, actually get married. And then start trying for a baby. Use your brain, your intelligence and your maturity to make the smart decision! There is no downside to getting married first, but potentially a world of downside if you don’t.

Not a lot of people realise older sperm can lead to problems conceiving and increased risks of certain conditions. I wouldn’t put it off just because of other peoples opinions :)

I think people realise that but I don't think that should be the main motivation for the OP to do it, she has to be ready.

@Daisydoesnt is right. Covid is obviously not great but you could always legally get married & have the big day later.

As someone who had a baby at 21, and also married a man 18 years older, and also moved to a different country away from my family and support network...

My advice is to wait. Wait until you've been together a long while and you know him inside and out. A huge age gap comes with a power differential. It just does. He has almost twice as much life experience as you. I love my husband but we've had to overcome this dynamic, and it's been hard.

Wait until you've experienced a bit more of adulthood. I love my child but I missed out on so much. This becomes obvious pretty much the second the baby is born. There were regrets.

Wait until you're married. Do your research on why this is crucial from a self-protection point of view (I don't mean because it's "tradition"). Be savvy, especially if you're with a man so much older.

Finally, and maybe most importantly, wait until you have a good support network in your new location before you have a baby. It's hard, no matter how lovely and rosy it seems as an idea, and you need people you can lean on, ideally any time day or night.

You definitely need to be married before having a baby. I also think it would be sensible to wait as having a baby if covid restrictions are still ongoing is really not a good idea

I wouldn’t say 22 is a particularly young Mum. Younger Mum absolutely, but not young. When I personally think of young Mum’s I think of teenage Mum’s.

I’m 23 and around 70% of my friends have had children in the past year and one at the age of 19 but she got married first. I don’t think any of them were judged for it, although I know the one who had a child at 19 and married at 18 was asked why she wanted to grow up so fast but now not so much.

I agree with other posters though, if you are engaged then get married first. If one of my friends told me she was trying for a baby with a DP our age I don’t think it’s something I’d push but with the age difference between yourself and your DP and the fact you are already engaged I would be getting married to give yourself some extra security.

I don't think it's too young but I agree with the advice to get married first, for your protection. Engagements don't mean anything. I was engaged and had moved abroad, planned pregnancy at 28 (so a bit older than you). My fiancé changed his mind and left, and my parents were so horrified that I was a single parent that I couldn't come back to the UK. It was ok, because I had a good job, and I am not suggesting that your fiancé or indeed mother/aunt would react in the same way, but it's good to be prepared. I too had a really supportive sister, and those phone calls helped massively (although they were expensive!).