Wanting to start a family but scared of being judged

[Dex1521]

Hi everyone, me and my fiancé are wanting to start TTC and have a family as there is an age gap of 19 years between us (he's 41 im 22) and so my other half wants to start now (and so do I as I feel ready), however im scared of being judged for being a "young mum".
Im 22 however im much more mature than my age, ive graduated from university and have a full time job, we also are buying a house in the new year and we are engaged but I know there is a lot of stigma around being young and pregnant. The baby would be born into a financially stable loving family, I know my sister will be over the moon but I have very old fashioned and opinionated mum and auntie and I feel if I dont have their support its going to be really hard for me. We have also moved to England from NI, reason im mentioning this is I dont really have the support circle of friends either as they live all over the UK so my mum and auntie are important too me.

Any advice please and would be interesting to know your opinions on young mums too. Thanks x

[5lilducks]

No I wouldn't judge you at all for being a young mum (and I was 38 when I had my DD) However, I don't think it is a good idea to have children expecting family to help you. I think any help that comes your way should be considered a bonus but not be expected or be relied upon. Raising a child is hard work and I wouldn't expect short cuts. My family are very far away as well and even though my in-laws live quite close by they are elderly and there is no way we would burden them. I didn't have a child until I was sure I could raise the child myself without any help from family and with or without a partner (if it came to it). Good luck with whatever you decide x

[Nicknamegoeshere]

I'm 39 and have just had my third. She's 5 months. As you're so young I'd advise to wait a bit until Covid is more out of the way.
My mat leave has been absolutely horrendous because of the restrictions and the toll on my MH huge.

[AlternativePerspective]

Tbh I’m always a bit when people say “I’m really mature for my age,” that statement alone says the opposite IMO.

I don’t actually think there’s anything wrong with having a baby young, my parents were 23 when they had me, and if I’m honest, I think the fact that women are leaving it later and later to have babies means we’re soon going to end up with a grandparentless generation which I also think is sad.

I do think however that a 41 year old putting pressure on a 22 year old to start trying for a baby is a clear sign of a bit of a power imbalance. What is this man’s history? Has he been married before? Does he have children already? Because while those in isolation aren’t necessarily an issue, I would question the motives of a man who has never been married or has unsuccessful relationships behind him who then seeks out a serious relationship with someone half his age.

And when you’re his age he will be in his 60’s, you’ll be ready to live because the kids have left home but he’ll be ready to retire.

Don’t let someone twice your age take everything from you by making you have babies young and then being too old when the time comes for you to live your life.

[MayDay27]

I don't think you should feel that people who are saying it would be a good idea to marry first are judging your relationship. I was with my DH 13 years before we got married. We had a very small ceremony which was actually really lovely. I can't ever see him not being there to support me, we have a great relationship, financially stable and own a house together. However no matter what the relationship the horrible reality is sometimes it doesn't work out and so as unromantic as it sounds I think that always has to be considered when you think of bringing a child into the situation. After 13 years we got married, it has done nothing to change out relationship (for better or worse!) but the main reason was because we wanted to start TTC and rightly or wrongly you are in a better situation if you're married and have a child and it doesn't work out. All I'm saying is the people on here saying to marry first aren't doing so because they are judging your relationship any differently to anyone else's. It's the sensible thing to do for any relationship and if you are committed enough to each other to have a baby then signing a piece of paper to be married is nothing. Like people have also said why not do it in a registry office first then when you can have a bigger do then?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

There is no power in-balance in our relationship and quite frankly we are no different to a couple who are the same age!

You been together 'years' and you're 22. That means you were a teenager when you get together and he was a fully mature adult in his 30s. OF COURSE there's a power imbalance. That may work out and be fine. But tying yourself with a child to him while having none of the legal protections of marriage is foolhardy.

You may never regret this decision but there's a very high chance you will.

Never mind though, we'll be here in a few years when you need some advice.

[rorosemary]

If you don't marry him and he becomes really ill and not able to speak up, you do realise that you won't be his next of kin if you're not married? So all information and rights go to his parents. Meaning you won't be informed and won't be able to speak on his behalf. If you don't have a good relationship with your inlaws you might not be allowed to visit even. Is that what you want for you and your child? Marriage is not just about "what if we break up". It's also about sickness and death. One of my friends got ill and died at age 43. It can happen at any age.

[Keepthefaith70]

Meant with the greatest of respect you're hardly a young gymslip mum. You're an adult. When you think of young mum you think of a teenage mum.. I do anyway. You're in a good position in life, stable in all aspects, and you're fortunate it's whilst it's still in your 20s. Having a child without family support is hard though. I won't lie to you. I'm a single mum and I have no family support, it's just my little girl and I and its incredibly tough. But I would hope your partner is hands on and helps you.
But, I think you should go for it :)

[Bluntness100]

How long have you been together op?

[EhUp]

It sounds like your partner is pushing the decision to start a family because of his age. IMHO you would be better getting a couple of years of full time work as a graduate under your belt first, I honestly think that would be better for YOUR longer term career prospects.

What other people think isn't the issue. The issue is about avoiding making a decision which could have a negative impact on your financial security just to keep your older partner happy.

[Bluntness100]

I’d also agree if you’re serious about your career it’s better to get settled and into a good place before deciding to take a year out.

[AlternativePerspective]

There is no power in-balance in our relationship and quite frankly we are no different to a couple who are the same age! yet another statement which goes against the “I’m a mature 22” pronouncement.

Let’s look at it this way. He was almost the age you are now when you were born. He is old enough to have children your age. If you really think that you’r relationship is no different from any couple the same age you are incredibly misguided.

Does he tell you that it’s no different/. That you’re a really mature 22 year old? Because from what you say here you really don’t seem it.

If you have a baby now you won’t be a young mum, you’re an adult, but the fact that you A, feel you need to ask for others’ opinions and b, need to emphasise that you’re mature and that your relationship is no different to a couple your age shows that you are still very young as a person ad have a lot of growing up to do.

[HMSSophie]

All I know is I'd be appalled if my DD ,who is your age, was telling me what you are saying. I'd be very sceptical indeed about having a baby being the right thing to do. Dear god.

[Bluntness100]

To be fair I think the op is just young. Of course there is a power imbalance, he’s older, wealthier, more knowledgeable. He’s lived, she’s been an adult for all of four years, and likely no more than a year into her career. Unless he has additional needs them the relationship is as unbalanced as it gets.

But the op has nothing to compare it to. If she’s been with this guy a long time, ( and that in itself is concerning) then she’s not had a mature adult relationship with anyone else.

If we was supportive of her and on her side he’d be saying to her you’re young and starting out. Let’s wait until we are married, you’re settled in your career and in your mid twenties. It would make no difference to him.

However to be fair to the op she simply doesn’t understand the imbalance, as she has no comparison.

Op your peer group will be socialising, having fun, focusing on their careers, not having babies, how does he fit into your social circle and you his?

[AlexaShutUp]

*However to be fair to the op she simply doesn’t understand the imbalance, as she has no comparison.

Yes, that's probably true. I had missed the part where the OP said that she had been with her DP "for a long time". She can't have been much more than a kid when they got together.

I would be really concerned if my dd was in this situation.

[Elle10x0]

No offence OP but from your last post you don’t sound mature at all

From 18-21 I was in a relationship with a man 11 years older than me. At the time I thought there was no power imbalance, but looking back as a 30 year old woman now I absolutely cringe. I had next to no life experience compared to this man. There was a huge power imbalance.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

Nothing wrong being a younger mum but don’t get forced into being a mum just because your DH wants to tick it off before he gets much older. It’s your life too and I think it’s a bit unfair of him to force you into making this kind of decision at your age when he already had his fun twenties.

[viques]

If he has got the the age of 41 without having children then it won’t hurt him to wait a couple of years until

A) you are married

B) you have had a chance to establish yourself in your career.

If you give yourself a couple of years, say five, to do those things then you will not only be in a stronger position financially but emotionally as well. Both good things for you and future children.

[Ughmaybenot]

I personally would be getting married first, one way or another, but honestly, you’re not that young (in the nicest possible way!!) and if you and your fiancé are both on the same page, feel ready and have a solid relationship, then go for it.
Only you are living your life and you must make decisions that suit you.

[chopc]

I would have more issues with your partner being 19 years older than you to be honest

[Elle10x0]

OP the reason people are telling you to get married as if you split up legally you’ll likely be entitled to more when it comes to assets and child support.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

The age gap to me is a bigger issue- by the time your kid/s would be leaving home, you’d have so many years ahead of you, your partner will be retirement age and winding down...youd be on completely different pages

[Bluntness100]

we are no different to a couple who are the same age

Of course you are. If you were with someone in your same age range you’d both be starting out together, share a friendship circle, experience many firsts together, you’d have the same level of experience, the same issues, the same challenges.

You are no more like a person in their forties than he is like a person in their twenties, you are simply at very different life stages. And as such you’re very different to a couple in the same age range.

Your comment that it makes you feel like” scum of the earth” is simply immature tantrum throwing.

When you have a baby even the best relationships are tested. Crying, colic,,sleepless nights, right through to the leaky boobs and even tearing during child birth and subsequent recovery.

In addition what if your child has additional needs? Are you prepared foe this? Are you sure he will hang around and not go after another young woman who hero worships him and is flattered in a way a woman his own age would not be, and who doesn’t have a physical recovery or solely focused on dealing with a young child.

Think about all the worst cases. That’s what you need to be ready for.

[uglyface]

I’m going to offer a perspective from the ‘other side’ as it were. There are 15 years between my partner and I; met at 21/36, shortly after he came out of a LT relationship he thought was heading for marriage and children.

I was keen to establish my career so he agreed to wait for children. We started TTC when I was 27 and it took five years and IVF to have DD due to issues on my part. DP was 47 when she was born and is the best dad I know.

Now due to COVID delays and an early miscarriage, we are now faced with either donating our remaining frozen embryos to others, or trying once more but DP being just 50 when the baby would be born. My heart is breaking for DD with the potential of being an only, but also for a further DC being saddled with a 50 year old dad.

There was no power imbalance in our relationship. I own the home we live in solely in my name, due to a hefty chunk of equity coming from me, and my career absolutely comes before his. But, by waiting I have essentially brought about a situation where our family will forever feel incomplete.

This is not intended to say you should or should not wait to TTC, but merely offer you an idea of how things could pan out.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

@uglyface

I’m going to offer a perspective from the ‘other side’ as it were. There are 15 years between my partner and I; met at 21/36, shortly after he came out of a LT relationship he thought was heading for marriage and children.

I was keen to establish my career so he agreed to wait for children. We started TTC when I was 27 and it took five years and IVF to have DD due to issues on my part. DP was 47 when she was born and is the best dad I know.

Now due to COVID delays and an early miscarriage, we are now faced with either donating our remaining frozen embryos to others, or trying once more but DP being just 50 when the baby would be born. My heart is breaking for DD with the potential of being an only, but also for a further DC being saddled with a 50 year old dad.

There was no power imbalance in our relationship. I own the home we live in solely in my name, due to a hefty chunk of equity coming from me, and my career absolutely comes before his. But, by waiting I have essentially brought about a situation where our family will forever feel incomplete.

This is not intended to say you should or should not wait to TTC, but merely offer you an idea of how things could pan out.

Infertility can happen to anyone. There’s no need to scare a 22 year old girl into potentially having kids before she’s ready by going into them. It took me 10 years of intensive fertility treatments to have a baby at 39 and we started ttc as soon as we got married (and I didn’t have an old partner either!)