Wanting to start a family but scared of being judged

[Dex1521]

Hi everyone, me and my fiancé are wanting to start TTC and have a family as there is an age gap of 19 years between us (he's 41 im 22) and so my other half wants to start now (and so do I as I feel ready), however im scared of being judged for being a "young mum".
Im 22 however im much more mature than my age, ive graduated from university and have a full time job, we also are buying a house in the new year and we are engaged but I know there is a lot of stigma around being young and pregnant. The baby would be born into a financially stable loving family, I know my sister will be over the moon but I have very old fashioned and opinionated mum and auntie and I feel if I dont have their support its going to be really hard for me. We have also moved to England from NI, reason im mentioning this is I dont really have the support circle of friends either as they live all over the UK so my mum and auntie are important too me.

Any advice please and would be interesting to know your opinions on young mums too. Thanks x

[PotteringAlong]

No one will judge you for having a baby at 22 but, if we’re honest, I think people will judge you for having a baby at 22 with a 41 year old.

[Dex1521]

Thanks everyone for the advice but for the people coming for my partner just because there is an age gap wasn't what I was asking about. Yes there is 19 years between us but we have been together for a long time now. He's not in it for me being so young and I'm not in it for his 'money' also if its any correlation he doesn't come with "baggage" meaning ex wives and other kids. As mentioned in my original post I have a full time job and said I am financially stable on my own, I also do not plan to give up my job (that I love) because why should I? Im on a salary and its a stable permanent job! There is plenty of mums out there that work full time and have children.
We do plan to get married but not until 2023 at least as we want to have a wedding with all our friends and family as majority of them live in Northern Ireland or Europe so they would have to travel, and right now that's not an option with corona.

Again thank you for all the people who answered what I was looking for I really appreciate it

(P.S im not starting an argument just merely justifying myself)

[Splodgetastic]

As your DP is a bit older it would be a good idea to start TTC now as the man is also a factor here!

[goggygill]

Do you understand why a stable job is not the same as being married?

[Flittingaboutagain]

Assuming this man is actually prepared to marry you rather than just date you and it's not all talk, get married first.

I think at 22 you haven't had enough life experience to really know what you are choosing. That age gap will have huge consequences later. Look on the boards of younger spouses who are FT carers at 50. There is also a power imbalance in lots of age gap relationships.

If you are determined, get married first. It'll show you whether he is really committed or you are a ML crisis and about to be a single mum at 23.

[Flittingaboutagain]

Just read your update. In that case have a registry office now with 2 witnesses and a "big" wedding in the future. Without marriage in the event of a split you will be worse off in so many ways (assuming he is the wealthier one).

[ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings]

Realistically a lot of people will judge you OP. Sorry. But most of those people are probably already judging you for being engaged to such an older man. The net increase in judgement probably wouldn't be that big if you also had a baby. But ffs get back on the pill until you're married. Engagements are lovely and romantic, but they don't put food on the table if he suddenly decides 5 months into your pregnancy that family life isn't actually for him. It happened to a friend of mine, her seemingly perfect fiance who she thought was her absolute soul mate dumped her out of the blue when she was 7 months pregnant and turned into a total psycho (like getting his friend in the police force to falsify evidence that she was abusing their child in order to gain full custody, levels of psycho). Its rare but it does happen. Don't let it happen to you. If you're really mature beyond your years then you'll get married first.

[Bigpaintinglittlepainting]

Yeah the people I know who are in big age gap marriages are double income no kids and there the power balance stays the same. As soon as you have children and your career is compromised it changes, it really does.

Listen to the experienced women on this thread op, we are not judging just informing you of potential problems

[NameChange84]

I’d never judge a 22 year old mother. It’s not unusually young or inappropriate in anyway.

However, I’d be very concerned about this huge age and life experience gap, any possible power imbalance or coercion, if there is pressure being piled on her to put her own life on hold because of his age etc. And I’d definitely say you should insist on this man marrying you first or you will have no legal protection.

On the plus side, by starting young, you will have lots of opportunities in your own forties providing he is healthy in his 60s and not beginning to need any care or anything. Yes, I know MOST 60 -70 year olds can be fit but men that don’t take care of themselves (don’t make effort as they get older to stay slim, active, don’t drink much or smoke, manage stress levels etc) can often find themselves having heart attacks in their 50s or earlier.

As I say, your age is fine for a family. It’s saddling yourself with a man 2 decades older that is really concerning imo. I’d be worried you’d hit 30 with a few kids and he’d be back chasing girls young enough to be his daughter and you’d be trapped. Or like a few of my friends who went down the same path, widowed in your mid thirties or a carer for all your 40s/50s/60s. That’s why it’s imperative you have some financial and legal protection if you are sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this man as children are a lifelong commitment so you will be forever tied to him.

[Babyshine2020]

There's 24 years between me and my DH, and I'm almost 25. We've been together almost 6 years. I've graduated, we own a house, we're married & we've just welcomed our little baby into the world (well, during lockdown!).

If you want a chat feel free to message me.

I lost a lot of friends when we got together, we both lost family over it, I was even offered money to leave him which then have me the attitude of if certain family members really cared they wouldn't off such ultimatum of "them or us"..!

Go with what makes you happy. You'll build a life together.

[rorosemary]

You can go to the registry office now and have the big wedding later. If you are so mature you really should educate yourself why being married is more important than the big wedding with a puffy dress and a party with family.

[MonClareDevole]

There’s never a right time to have a baby IMO. You can always wait until you’re older/better job/more money/bigger house/nicer area etc. But GET MARRIED FIRST! I had my first baby at 26. In hindsight I’d have liked to do it earlier but we couldn’t afford a wedding until we were 25.

At 22 you’ll deal with the sleepless nights a whole lot better.

[olderthanyouthink]

I got pregnant (by accident) at 22, I'm 25 now and honest do not feel like I fit in the "young mum" box, every time someone's looking for young mum friends I'm basically too old (the mums tend to be 18ish). I didn't do uni so have been working in my career for longer than a lot of people my age.

On the flip side I'm a lot younger than a lot of the people where I live, thought I spotted someone my age at a baby group but turned out she was a nanny, pretty sure I'm the youngest parent at my daughters nursery.

I've had twatty comments occasionally, my favourite being someone looking for a childminder complaining she couldn't find anyone "who wasn't a child themselves", they were probably my age (10 years younger than her). I resent the implication that being younger makes me less capable of keeping a toddler alive and happy.

Do wish DP and I had longer as just us though.

Also get a really solid job you like so when you go on Mat leave you can ask for flexibility when you come back. Don't can your prospects now with the plan of sorting it later

[Olivebranch26]

@Dex1521 Hi I read your comment with your reply to those who frankly have given you advice you didn't even ask for. Your response was that your merely justifying yourself. Please ignore these people and do not feel like you need to justify anything! You choose to be with whoever you like and its rude of people to assume you haven't thought about your future. My brother in law just had a baby with a girl who is 18 and he is 38. Erm yes I did kind of judge her to begin with but now I respect her decision completely they are a lovely happy family and more stable than most I see, they both have good jobs and have a wonderful life.

[HeddaGarbled]

I don’t judge you, but I do judge a man of 41 who thinks it’s OK to be with a 22 year old whom he then pressures to have babies ASAP.

[ProudAuntie76]

My brother in law just had a baby with a girl who is 18 and he is 38. Erm yes I did kind of judge her to begin with but now I respect her decision completely

You judged her?! Your brother in law has a sexual attraction for teenagers, got one young enough to be his daughter pregnant and you judged HER? Sickening.

[Thatwentbadly]

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

I would recommend being married first, but other than that go for it. Being a young mum is great.

I agree with this.

[choli]

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

Don't do it, and don't waste your youth on a man twice your age. Dump him and enjoy being young and free. Seriously.

Ask yourself why your "other half" wants you pregnant now. An honest assessment of that is needed.

[museumum]

I don’t think you’re “too young” at all but I do really think you should marry now (then celebrate in 2023)
Your stable job will not be as stable when you are pregnant and off on maternity leave then back with a young child in nursery. You can’t know it yet but these things do affect your career progression. They shouldn’t but they do.
Given your husband has had so much longer to establish his career you really should marry to protect you and your child. What if he were knocked over by a bus when your child is a baby? Can you really afford 100% of the nursery fees and mortgage without him?

[Dex1521]

Its not a case that my fiancé WANTS me pregnant RIGHT NOW. There is no power in-balance in our relationship and quite frankly we are no different to a couple who are the same age! I really dont get why people are so uptight about our age difference, it makes me feel like we are the scum of the earth and not worthy to sit amongst you folk, and that im some stupid little girl who is being tainted by other half.

maybe I wasn't clear in my original post but WE ARE BOTH READY TO HAVE A CHILD its not a case of I want it or he wants it WE BOTH WANT IT! He loves and supports me and I do the same to him we are equals. Im not owned by him, im not his property. How come some couples never get married, they dont want too, and they seem perfectly happy and able parents. I know it all seems shiny on the surface but not everyone is married before they have children I know plenty of people and they are thriving as a family.

Some of the comments on this post have been really nasty and hurtful and it wasn't even what I was asking about, telling me to leave my partner etc. I thought this site was where women supported one another not told them how to live their lives like some sort of dictatorship. I understand now I will be judged but maybe not by my own family....but by other mothers...

[murmurgam]

I don't think you'll be judged for having a baby at 22, you will be judged by some because of the age gap.

[TheVanguardSix]

If you want to have babies now, get married. What's stopping you?
I had DD before I was married to my now DH. But we married when she was 1.
3 children, a house, and years later, I would say to absolutely get married before you buy the house and have the children. Get your financial security in order. How boring. I know. But it's really important. This isn't about age gaps in the least. It's about firewalling your life as a family.

[HogwartsAtChristmas]

I don't think 22 is too young at all. Many people have finished their families by 30, having had 2 or 3 dc starting in their early 20s so I don't think you'll be considered that unusual. I reckon you're overthinking it. Besides, it's no one else's business is it! Do what's right for you.

[TheVanguardSix]

PS- I do wonder if you are ready for all of this. Your priority seems to be what others think as opposed to what you and your partner can do to protect and sustain your future as a family. I'd have expected him to talk about this with you. Has he had a family before? Owned a home before? Is this all 'a first' for him as well?