Wanting to start a family but scared of being judged

[Dex1521]

Hi everyone, me and my fiancé are wanting to start TTC and have a family as there is an age gap of 19 years between us (he's 41 im 22) and so my other half wants to start now (and so do I as I feel ready), however im scared of being judged for being a "young mum".
Im 22 however im much more mature than my age, ive graduated from university and have a full time job, we also are buying a house in the new year and we are engaged but I know there is a lot of stigma around being young and pregnant. The baby would be born into a financially stable loving family, I know my sister will be over the moon but I have very old fashioned and opinionated mum and auntie and I feel if I dont have their support its going to be really hard for me. We have also moved to England from NI, reason im mentioning this is I dont really have the support circle of friends either as they live all over the UK so my mum and auntie are important too me.

Any advice please and would be interesting to know your opinions on young mums too. Thanks x

[HeddaGarbled]

I wanted to say that there was a 26 year gap between my mam and dad. They were the most in love couple I have ever known. My dad was 50 when they met. He was 54 and she 28 when they had the first of 5 babies in 6 years. I was brought up in the most loving home. I am from ireland too, and in the 70s it was so incredibly religious and conservative.

Fortunately, opportunities for women have improved since then.

[Bouncytree]

@Dex1521

I wanted to say that there was a 26 year gap between my mam and dad. They were the most in love couple I have ever known. My dad was 50 when they met. He was 54 and she 28 when they had the first of 5 babies in 6 years. I was brought up in the most loving home. I am from ireland too, and in the 70s it was so incredibly religious and conservative.

You have every right to have babies with your partner when you choose to and not be judged.

[Ineedaduvetday]

You'd be foolish to have a baby with a man without being married when you have no established career or support circle.

[Bluntness100]

There’s no need to scare a 22 year old girl into potentially having kids before she’s ready by going into them

Ugly face that’s exactly how it reads, and then you doubled down on it.

[uglyface]

@GrumpyHoonMain That’s not the intended point of my post - I have been careful to say that there is no power imbalance in our relationship, and that the fertility issues were on my part so nothing is clean cut either way. I wish someone had shared a similar story with me when I was 22/23/24. I don’t know what I would have done differently, but it might have helped to see that not everything goes to plan, and that includes the potential longevity of OP’s relationship.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

@uglyface

I’m going to offer a perspective from the ‘other side’ as it were. There are 15 years between my partner and I; met at 21/36, shortly after he came out of a LT relationship he thought was heading for marriage and children.

I was keen to establish my career so he agreed to wait for children. We started TTC when I was 27 and it took five years and IVF to have DD due to issues on my part. DP was 47 when she was born and is the best dad I know.

Now due to COVID delays and an early miscarriage, we are now faced with either donating our remaining frozen embryos to others, or trying once more but DP being just 50 when the baby would be born. My heart is breaking for DD with the potential of being an only, but also for a further DC being saddled with a 50 year old dad.

There was no power imbalance in our relationship. I own the home we live in solely in my name, due to a hefty chunk of equity coming from me, and my career absolutely comes before his. But, by waiting I have essentially brought about a situation where our family will forever feel incomplete.

This is not intended to say you should or should not wait to TTC, but merely offer you an idea of how things could pan out.

Infertility can happen to anyone. There’s no need to scare a 22 year old girl into potentially having kids before she’s ready by going into them. It took me 10 years of intensive fertility treatments to have a baby at 39 and we started ttc as soon as we got married (and I didn’t have an old partner either!)

[uglyface]

I’m going to offer a perspective from the ‘other side’ as it were. There are 15 years between my partner and I; met at 21/36, shortly after he came out of a LT relationship he thought was heading for marriage and children.

I was keen to establish my career so he agreed to wait for children. We started TTC when I was 27 and it took five years and IVF to have DD due to issues on my part. DP was 47 when she was born and is the best dad I know.

Now due to COVID delays and an early miscarriage, we are now faced with either donating our remaining frozen embryos to others, or trying once more but DP being just 50 when the baby would be born. My heart is breaking for DD with the potential of being an only, but also for a further DC being saddled with a 50 year old dad.

There was no power imbalance in our relationship. I own the home we live in solely in my name, due to a hefty chunk of equity coming from me, and my career absolutely comes before his. But, by waiting I have essentially brought about a situation where our family will forever feel incomplete.

This is not intended to say you should or should not wait to TTC, but merely offer you an idea of how things could pan out.

[Bluntness100]

we are no different to a couple who are the same age

Of course you are. If you were with someone in your same age range you’d both be starting out together, share a friendship circle, experience many firsts together, you’d have the same level of experience, the same issues, the same challenges.

You are no more like a person in their forties than he is like a person in their twenties, you are simply at very different life stages. And as such you’re very different to a couple in the same age range.

Your comment that it makes you feel like” scum of the earth” is simply immature tantrum throwing.

When you have a baby even the best relationships are tested. Crying, colic,,sleepless nights, right through to the leaky boobs and even tearing during child birth and subsequent recovery.

In addition what if your child has additional needs? Are you prepared foe this? Are you sure he will hang around and not go after another young woman who hero worships him and is flattered in a way a woman his own age would not be, and who doesn’t have a physical recovery or solely focused on dealing with a young child.

Think about all the worst cases. That’s what you need to be ready for.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

The age gap to me is a bigger issue- by the time your kid/s would be leaving home, you’d have so many years ahead of you, your partner will be retirement age and winding down...youd be on completely different pages

[Elle10x0]

OP the reason people are telling you to get married as if you split up legally you’ll likely be entitled to more when it comes to assets and child support.

[chopc]

I would have more issues with your partner being 19 years older than you to be honest

[Ughmaybenot]

I personally would be getting married first, one way or another, but honestly, you’re not that young (in the nicest possible way!!) and if you and your fiancé are both on the same page, feel ready and have a solid relationship, then go for it.
Only you are living your life and you must make decisions that suit you.

[viques]

If he has got the the age of 41 without having children then it won’t hurt him to wait a couple of years until

A) you are married

B) you have had a chance to establish yourself in your career.

If you give yourself a couple of years, say five, to do those things then you will not only be in a stronger position financially but emotionally as well. Both good things for you and future children.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

Nothing wrong being a younger mum but don’t get forced into being a mum just because your DH wants to tick it off before he gets much older. It’s your life too and I think it’s a bit unfair of him to force you into making this kind of decision at your age when he already had his fun twenties.

[Elle10x0]

No offence OP but from your last post you don’t sound mature at all

From 18-21 I was in a relationship with a man 11 years older than me. At the time I thought there was no power imbalance, but looking back as a 30 year old woman now I absolutely cringe. I had next to no life experience compared to this man. There was a huge power imbalance.

[AlexaShutUp]

*However to be fair to the op she simply doesn’t understand the imbalance, as she has no comparison.

Yes, that's probably true. I had missed the part where the OP said that she had been with her DP "for a long time". She can't have been much more than a kid when they got together.

I would be really concerned if my dd was in this situation.

[Bluntness100]

To be fair I think the op is just young. Of course there is a power imbalance, he’s older, wealthier, more knowledgeable. He’s lived, she’s been an adult for all of four years, and likely no more than a year into her career. Unless he has additional needs them the relationship is as unbalanced as it gets.

But the op has nothing to compare it to. If she’s been with this guy a long time, ( and that in itself is concerning) then she’s not had a mature adult relationship with anyone else.

If we was supportive of her and on her side he’d be saying to her you’re young and starting out. Let’s wait until we are married, you’re settled in your career and in your mid twenties. It would make no difference to him.

However to be fair to the op she simply doesn’t understand the imbalance, as she has no comparison.

Op your peer group will be socialising, having fun, focusing on their careers, not having babies, how does he fit into your social circle and you his?

[HMSSophie]

All I know is I'd be appalled if my DD ,who is your age, was telling me what you are saying. I'd be very sceptical indeed about having a baby being the right thing to do. Dear god.

[AlternativePerspective]

There is no power in-balance in our relationship and quite frankly we are no different to a couple who are the same age! yet another statement which goes against the “I’m a mature 22” pronouncement.

Let’s look at it this way. He was almost the age you are now when you were born. He is old enough to have children your age. If you really think that you’r relationship is no different from any couple the same age you are incredibly misguided.

Does he tell you that it’s no different/. That you’re a really mature 22 year old? Because from what you say here you really don’t seem it.

If you have a baby now you won’t be a young mum, you’re an adult, but the fact that you A, feel you need to ask for others’ opinions and b, need to emphasise that you’re mature and that your relationship is no different to a couple your age shows that you are still very young as a person ad have a lot of growing up to do.

[Bluntness100]

I’d also agree if you’re serious about your career it’s better to get settled and into a good place before deciding to take a year out.

[EhUp]

It sounds like your partner is pushing the decision to start a family because of his age. IMHO you would be better getting a couple of years of full time work as a graduate under your belt first, I honestly think that would be better for YOUR longer term career prospects.

What other people think isn't the issue. The issue is about avoiding making a decision which could have a negative impact on your financial security just to keep your older partner happy.

[Bluntness100]

How long have you been together op?

[Keepthefaith70]

Meant with the greatest of respect you're hardly a young gymslip mum. You're an adult. When you think of young mum you think of a teenage mum.. I do anyway. You're in a good position in life, stable in all aspects, and you're fortunate it's whilst it's still in your 20s. Having a child without family support is hard though. I won't lie to you. I'm a single mum and I have no family support, it's just my little girl and I and its incredibly tough. But I would hope your partner is hands on and helps you.
But, I think you should go for it :)

[rorosemary]

If you don't marry him and he becomes really ill and not able to speak up, you do realise that you won't be his next of kin if you're not married? So all information and rights go to his parents. Meaning you won't be informed and won't be able to speak on his behalf. If you don't have a good relationship with your inlaws you might not be allowed to visit even. Is that what you want for you and your child? Marriage is not just about "what if we break up". It's also about sickness and death. One of my friends got ill and died at age 43. It can happen at any age.