Wanting to start a family but scared of being judged

[Dex1521]

Hi everyone, me and my fiancé are wanting to start TTC and have a family as there is an age gap of 19 years between us (he's 41 im 22) and so my other half wants to start now (and so do I as I feel ready), however im scared of being judged for being a "young mum".
Im 22 however im much more mature than my age, ive graduated from university and have a full time job, we also are buying a house in the new year and we are engaged but I know there is a lot of stigma around being young and pregnant. The baby would be born into a financially stable loving family, I know my sister will be over the moon but I have very old fashioned and opinionated mum and auntie and I feel if I dont have their support its going to be really hard for me. We have also moved to England from NI, reason im mentioning this is I dont really have the support circle of friends either as they live all over the UK so my mum and auntie are important too me.

Any advice please and would be interesting to know your opinions on young mums too. Thanks x

[TheVanguardSix]

I lost a lot of friends when we got together, we both lost family over it, I was even offered money to leave him which then have me the attitude of if certain family members really cared they wouldn't off such ultimatum of "them or us"..!

Maybe they see what you don't want to. That's quite a strong reaction. To pull off the ultimate rift with so many who love and care about you makes me think that it's not the age difference that's concerning all of these people. Us or them is not a great foundation for a marriage! That's the start of isolationism. You are being isolated.

[Gin4thewin]

I had my son days after my 22nd birthday. I was very mature for my age and although i never noticed anything obvious regarding my age, professionals always seemed surprised how confident and sure of myself i was in what i was doing with him. The midwife watched me getting him dressed on my lap after a weigh and asked me twice if i was sure I'd never worked with children. Nope. Just the oldest of 6 and i wasnt afraid of what i was doing

[Curiosity101]

22 doesn't seem too young to me. You're a fully grown adult with a number of years experience behind you. If you feel ready and understand the impact a baby will have on your life then it sounds like you're in a fantastic position. As a few PPs mentioned, people wait later and later to start families now and that comes with increasing risks and struggles.

However the advice around getting married before having a baby is sensible. If you don't have an established career then if you're planning to do the majority of childcare you will be at a huge disadvantage if you and your partner split up after having children.

[RhymesWithOrange]

Honestly OP do what you want but you are astonishingly naive if you have a baby without getting married first. Literally anything could happen (illness, accidents, death, affairs, redundancy etc. etc.) and financially you and your child would be so much more protected if you're married.

Don't go off in a huff, read the relationships board for some perspective.

You might think you can work FT after a baby but what about mat leave? What about a second or third baby? What happens if he doesn't pull his weight with childcare and domestic stuff? You would be very, very vulnerable.

[Jroseforever]

Op

A year ago you posted about coming off the pill and trying for a baby.

Why are you posting this a year later?

[Viviennemary]

Sorry but I think you are far too young. Especially in view of the huge age gap.

[ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings]

Oh dear OP, I'm afraid your immaturity is showing now. It isn't the job of "other mothers" to baby you and say "go for it, everything will work out exactly as you plan". Women supporting women means giving each other realistic and practical advice based on our different experiences, failures, and triumphs, not blindly and unconditionally cheerleading each other on into potentially harmful situations. If you don't realise that then I'm afraid you have some growing up to do. You asked for advice and you got it. It's the opinion of most of the women here that having a baby without the protection of marriage is a stupid thing to do. That's true on threads even where the woman in question is much older, you aren't getting special treatment here. If you want to put yourself in a vulnerable position with a man who has substantially more options than you financially should things go south then be my guest. But don't expect to get a round of applause for it from women with the life experience to know better.

[Sultanainasalad]

Hi OP, I just wanted to echo the comments about marriage. It's great that you have a good stable job, but you just never know what is around the corner. Why not protect yourself? My baby was a very sickly non sleeper for over 2 years. With hospital stays, general illnesses and extreme lack of sleep I just had to take a step back from my job. This usually falls to the woman. I never expected that scenario to happen, but I'm just using my example of how things can change that you don't predict.

Protect yourself with a quick visit to the registry office and then have your baby if you want to. Good luck.

[allhappeningatonce]

Wait....22 is so young, especially for a graduate, to have a child. What do your parents think of your relationship and why? You will change over the next few years, no matter how mature you think you are. I'm from NI too, lived abroad for all of my 20s & now I'm having my first child, it's wonderful to have that support nearby. I would imagine your mum isn't as worried about you having a child out of wedlock & appearances but more about your relationship & how you will cope in England, when you're off work & you won't have support. It's a massive age gap between you both, massive & that is worrying. Why is he pressuring you to have kids? Especially before marriage, that leaves you more vulnerable. Please please have a rethink. I know a lot of your chances to explore the world or a career or just make mistakes have been taken from you & others your age this year but I know most people a few years older than you look back at their early 20s as a time of personal discovery. With a baby you will be vulnerable. It might be more difficult to move back to NI in the future if you break with your partner & he has 50/50 custody. I'm guessing you're not fully established in your career yet either. Could you afford childcare on your salary alone? There's no way around it, having a baby does put a stall on your career for a while, will you miss a few important years of career development? What if a class position turns up in another country? Or another part of the country? You will be tied to this man for 18 years minimum. I'm going to make the assumption that if you grew up in NI, you grew up with lots of extended family around & all that security. This year anyway, your mum & your aunties wont be able to hop on a plane easily to help you out. If your baby is in England, it won't have the same relationship with NI family that you had growing up. Could you afford to pop across easily? Flights or the ferry with a baby? It's not easy. NI women in England having babies will be in different circumstances than you. You've probably seen them on the plane yourself. Older, established in their career, meaning it's easier to take a break. More money for the trip back to see the grandparents. A very supportive partner (probably husband). On a new graduate salary, will you manage this? Sorry, this is very pessimistic but if one of my family suggested doing this, I'd probably be harsher. Put yourself first.

[Mumoftwoinprimary]

If you are 22 you are presumably only a year into your job. If you are on some kind of graduate scheme then personally I would give myself a bit more time to move up the ladder before getting pregnant. Your twenties are a time when you can move up really quickly in both seniority and salary and that is mainly because you are free to really focus on work. Once you have kids you can’t in the same way as someone has to pick them up from nursery every single day.

Also - as everyone says - get married first. Both for the legal protection but also because you are worried about judgement. Once married the judgement will reduce massively.

You said you are buying a house in the new year - also get that sorted before you get pregnant. Moving when pregnant is not fun. And moving house tend to get delayed and delayed - a couple in my NCT class ended up moving with a newborn even though the started the “moving process” pretty much the day they got their blue line.

[PasstheBucket89]

By the time i was 22 i had a 3 year old and one on the way, you can't live your life worrying about what others think that way madness lies.

[LittleGungHo]

Financially does your employer offer paid maternity leave? Mine did but you had to have 2 years service before being eligible. Worth checking if you financially would need to be paid for your mat leave

[Volcanicorange]

What do you mean you've been together a long time now?

You are 22. 4 years ago you were 18. 5 years ago you were still a child.

Either a man in his 30s preyed upon you while you were barely out of childhood because he couldn't find someone his own age, or you haven't ben together for a long time.

I bet your partner will b ethe sort of 'old fashioned' man who expects you to do everything

[whiskybysidedoor]

You need to get married before having a baby. That is the sensible thing to do as it protects you and your child. No one cares about you having a baby at 22. If you have the baby whilst not being married in your situation people will think you are foolish that is all.

[squee123]

I say go for it and the age difference is a complete non-issue from my perspective. But people aren't just being dull and traditional when they say get married first. It's because it gives you a lot of legal protection and tax protection. Boring things like saving you both from a potential inheritance tax bill if the other one dies first and ensuring that if one of you is seriously ill the other is classed as next of kin and can be more involved in potentially life changing decisions.

Personally I'd nip down registry office, crack on and have a baby and then have a lovely big wedding in 2022 with your little boy or girl there as page boy or bridesmaid

[Bouncycastle12]

I have to say, your reaction worries me. Tbh, it’s never occurred to me to care much about what other people think about my relationship with DP. We’re happy, and that’s all that matters. You really really care, and I think you should stop and think about why that is. If you’ve been together for a long time, that means that he did start this relationship when you were very young. Again, that would concern me. Yes, it can work out. But there is no need to rush.

[FilledSoda]

22 isn't young but you do sound young to be fair.
One if the joys of getting older is not giving a rat's ass about what anyone thinks , if I were you I'd try to adopt that approach now.
Definitely get married , you'd be mad not to . You can have a party for friends and family later.
This is the best piece of advice you can take from this thread .
Marriage then babies .

[Gremlinpoop]

Your age isn't an issue.
The age gap is and will become more so. ( Honestly have a good think about it I know quite a few who haved lived to regret that sort of age difference)
But protect yourself and get married first until you are married you can't say it's stable.

[HotDiggidy2017]

You sound much more settled and sensible than I was at that age, everyone is different and mature at different rates. I’ve waited until I’m a few months off 30 to get pregnant but that’s not to say it’s too early for you - i just wasn’t ready before. Maybe the last bit of growing up you need to do is letting go of your worries about what others will think - you clearly know your mind, trust yourself xx

[Sittinbythesea]

What’s the rush? Why not wait a couple of years and then you can be in a really solid position. In 2 years you could; get married, get your house sorted, get your career established. You can’t have been working for long and you aren’t entitled to much before working for two years. If you were as mature as you say I think you’d realise this and I think your partner would too. What is the gain in having a baby right now?
Why do your parents dislike him so much - it sounds like they are pretty united in thinking he’s wrong for you? Were they good parents before you met him? How old were you when you got together? You say you are mature but there is a great deal of maturity that comes with experience- don’t dismiss the opinions of those older than you - we’ve seen your situation before! Nobody ever thinks they aren’t mature - but many of us look back and realise how naive we were in our early 20s.
Personally I’d very wary of a 40 year old encouraging a 22 year old to have a baby - it is so very obviously not in your best interest.

[Dragongirl10]

Op you are missing the point here, people don't care at all about the age gap, (or that you are 22) we are all trying to show you how to protect yourself and your potential baby.

No one can be sure their relationship will always work for ever, once you bring a child into the mix, a degree of worst case planning becomes essential, hopefully you will never need it.

At 22 you have not yet faced many of the challenges life may throw at you, redundancy, illness, relationship beakdown, to mention a few.

An example, l was very independent in my 20s, had my own business, own flat etc. Was adamant l would never give up work if l had children......
When l had my daughter, both she and l nearly died, she had some long term health issues and there was no way l was putting her in the hands of anyone else, plus my health was not good, so l stayed home.

I was lucky, l was married, my husband and l agreed for me to stay home for a few years, we had between us 2 properties, substantial savings, and he had a good job.

Never have l been more grateful for all the sacrifice to accumulate the above in my 20s when l was fit and well, and energetic enough to work 60/70 hours a week.
It could have been so different.

If you are unable to see the collective wisdom here, you should not be having a child, take onboard the advice and marry before you have a baby.

[rorosemary]

How come some couples never get married, they dont want too, and they seem perfectly happy and able parents. I know it all seems shiny on the surface but not everyone is married before they have children I know plenty of people and they are thriving as a family.

We are not telling you to get married because of happiness or parenting or whatever, but because of the legal implications. It's the sensible thing to do. That other people fon't doesn't mean that they made the right choice. There are weekly threads on here by women who come into some kind of trouble and then discover that they have so little rights because of not being married. Don't become one of them.

If you want a child- fair enough, you're an adult- then you should also want to have an as stable possible life for them. Marriage is part of that.

[Cheesypea]

Sorry I would judge- your partner.

[MadameMiggeldy]

I don’t judge you, I have serious reservations about your partner on the other hand. Maybe your Mum and aunt are well-founded in their concerns. You’ve been moved to England - if the relationship doesn’t work out you may have huge trouble relocating home. Courts can and do prohibit you relocating with a child.

Think ‘worst-case scenario’ and put plans in place to protect yourself even if that means holding off ttc until you are in a better financial position be it through savings or marriage

[AlexaShutUp]

I wouldn't judge you, but if I'm honest, I would pity you.

If you were my daughter, I would support you with whatever choices you decided to make, but I would feel so sad for you inside. You're still so young, there is so much else you could be doing in your twenties! However, it's your life so you have to do what feels right to you.