TTC 35+ Thread 4 Cougar and Silver Fox Club

[Sleeeeeepy]

Yes it's Thread FOUR! Baby dust all round!

Thanks @FridaKFangirl, no of course I know you weren't judging me for throwing the glass. I personally feel horrible about it, and feel like it's cancelled everything else out. I posted on the relationships board - I guess it's cathartic just to post, it's not a problem anyone can solve. I've never been called an abuser or violent before so it's really hurt deep I guess. We didn't tell anyone we were ttc, so there would be a whole backstory for IRL support. I don't know that I have the energy for that right now. Sending you all hugs - don't know where I would have been without this thread in the past few weeks. I feel sad that I'm not part of the ttc group anymore, but I'll pop back! xxx

@SnowWhite1985 I’m not sure there is a way back from all this but a night apart away from the arguing is definite a good thing.

Ttc is super stressful (as is having a baby I would guess) and it takes both sides being on the same page and if you’re not, there needs to be the possibility for conversation to discuss it. It’s not fair for one person to say no that’s it, any more than for the other to make the decision to go for it.

Ive been with my oh 3 1/2 years and I definitely Got to that point first. A combination of a few new arrivals in the family and the worry that, as I got older, I may run out of time def got me thinking about it. But when I first mentioned it, my oh said he wanted kids but not right now. He then got annoyed at me bringing it up a few times and I had to explain to him how I was feeling about it all which def helped. It took us about a year to both get to the stage of wanting to try but he’s now into it, mentioning stupid baby names and stuff. I guess I wouldn’t want to be doing this with him not on board.

As much as he says you’re making the choices not based on wanting to be with him but on the fact you want children, it’s a fair point from you. If you see a future with kids and he doesn’t, it’s never going to work. Saying he has plenty of time is selfish because as a couple together, you don’t have plenty of time. Even at 38, I’m worried I’ll struggle to conceive.

Hope today brings a calmer conversation and a resolution one way or the other

Oh @SnowWhite1985 massive hugs, I hope you've managed some sleep, though suspect you haven't. Just read your other thread xx he is definitely being a manipulative gas lighting shit bag. Do not let him throw you out of your own home xx

@SnowWhite1985 - I'm with @claireb707 all the way... he IS being horribly manipulative gaslighter - and it sounds like that's been a pattern in recent years.

I know it's always more complicated than you can ever explain on a forum, but from your descriptions I genuinely think you'd be better off without him.

The children issue will always cause resentment and drive a wedge between you, one way or another. Him because he sounds like a big child himself (craving attention, wanting everything his own way, fantasising about a future for himself alone). You because you'll always feel like you're dragging him along, and having to bargain with him for what should be something that fills you both with joy.

Oh, and throwing a glass at a wall when you're alone is NOT a big deal, in my view. His manipulation and passive aggressiveness are far worse. If he mentions it again, I would simply ignore it and change the subject.

Generally: Move back home - do you have a spare room? If so, one of you sleep there initially. Then calmly set about the process of separating your lives. Did you say you own the house? Are you married? Either way, I think he should leave.

Then you can get on with your life. If anyone IRL asks: You broke up because he's a selfish sh*t who doesn't see you as a priority and doesn't picture a future with you.

Good luck and please do pop back to let us know how you're doing. xxx

This must be really hard for you to read after committing to him for 6 years, take things slowly and take time to get your head round it xx

@SnowWhite1985 oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you're going through this! 😔 I'm glad you got to a hotel safely last night. Please don't ever feel you're alone or hijacking this thread. You deserve so much more than this, and I can't send enough virtual love and hugs your way! Please let us know how you're getting on - you're fabulous and strong, and I know you'll move onwards to a much better life situation! 😘😘😘

@SnowWhite1985 I hope you're as OK as you can be this morning.

You have so much to deal with, throwing a glass at a wall is totally understandable. Please don't beat yourself up about it, and do not listen to anything that he says about it or about you. I agree he is gaslighting you. He was the one who changed his story and promised you the earth to get you back last time so why would you trust him again.

You are a strong, successful woman, and you've got this. It must be very, very hard right now but it will get better xxx

@SnowWhite1985 sorry I’ve never posted on this thread but I’m a lurker. Just wanted to say to you stay on this thread as it’s far more supportive for you thaN the other thread you‘ve started. They’re just out for giving their opinion but you need support. Hope you’re ok x

@SnowWhite1985 I'm also a lurker and have read through this thread, I'm sorry to say but he's an arsehole. He's strung you along and is now turning it round as if it's your fault. A relationship is a partnership and you both need to have the same expectations, he new from the start you wanted children and should of never have let things get serious if he didn't. I've ended previous relationships once I've found out they definitely don't want children as even though I didn't want them just then what's the point in carrying on only to have to change their mind or leave later down the road.
Did you say it was your house? If so go home, tell him to pack his bags and leave and move on with your life. If he makes out it's your fault to friends you put them straight, tell them your story how he's strung you along for years. Your not abusive or violent in the slightest, he's lucky it wasn't his head you threw the glass at. Your 35 it's not the end of the world, women successfully have babies into their 40's these days, hell i'm 38 and only just ttc. It sounds like you have great support on this thread but I hope you've got a good friend to talk to and get drunk with xx

@SnowWhite1985 - All these responses may be a bit overwhelming (especially the other thread!) - hope you're okay. xxx

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate the support. I’m feeling physically ill today - I had a terrible interrupted sleep and have a migraine. I had one of those mornings when you wake up then suddenly remember everything that’s happened and it doesn’t quite feel real. I’ve read all the responses and I’m completely overwhelmed by the other thread to be honest. I’ve written down a lot of my feelings just to try and get things straight in my head. I went back home but my partner has gone I don’t know where. He hasn’t contacted me but he probably won’t for a few days at least, maybe longer. I think I made a lot of allowances for lack of emotional support from my partner because he’d finally “allowed” us to try for a baby and I was so excited for that prospect. I let that cancel out all the other obvious red flags of ways he wasn’t there for me. Then I probably got wrapped up in the testing etc as something to focus on (although I’m grateful I have all that info now). I thought I needed to put him first because he’d given me this gift of ttc, for the first time ever in my life. There was a lot of pent up hurt and emotion which came out last night. I was really distraught and upset whereas I’m usually very much in control and calm when it comes to conflict. I shouldn’t have thrown the glass but I think if anything it was a wake up call for me that things need to change. I’ve never done anything like that before so it made me realise just how unhappy I have become. I’ve become invisible in the relationship because I thought I had to set my emotional needs aside as I should be grateful he’d come round to ttc. It was a feeling of giving so much and compromising so much, but not getting much back, except a half hearted promise that was later retracted. I think it would probably be best for both of us if we ended things, as we both acknowledged there is no solution to this, as we want different things (although he thinks it’s normal to change your mind regularly about what you want, whereas what I want has stayed the same). I’m just going to take a bit of time (probably away from the internet) to focus on my mental and physical health and try to get back to feeling like myself again. A lot of people on the other thread have suggested I’m not fit/suitable/mentally stable to be a mother, because I smash glasses. I appreciate it’s not model behaviour but I don’t think that’s the case. I’ve been responsible in the life choices I have made to put myself in a good position to be a mother. I wanted to do that as a family with someone I love, but it doesn’t seem that this relationship is a good foundation. I think once I had already committed so many years to this relationship I just over compromised and made allowances because it seemed harder to start the entire process again. And my partner has many good qualities so I thought it was my job to see past and work through the other issues. But if that’s what I need to do - either on my own or with a new partner - I just need to do that. I’m taking some solace in the fact that I actually felt better last time we took a break. So hopefully I can get myself back on track quickly. I think I lost myself quite a bit, so just need to be kind to myself through recovery and hopefully find myself again. I expect my partner will backtrack as that’s usually the cycle - silence/withdrawal then some calm discussion then he’ll backtrack. But it was clear to me he doesn’t want this deep down. So I probably need to keep that top of mind. This post was longer than I intended but just wanted to say thanks for everything. This community has really helped me, especially in the past few weeks xx

Hi @SnowWhite1985, I’ve read the other thread, I think a couple of posters were very harsh on you but there was also a lot of support and validation for you so hold on to that!

As you said in the other thread, you own the house. He doesn’t! Might I suggest as he’s not there that you ‘Take steps’ to make sure he can’t just reappear. Even if this just gives you a temporary break.

Message him and say it’s over and give him a set time to collect his stuff from outside the door!

Just my tuppenceworth!

Your other thread has escalated in a way that isn't nice to read. A lot of people on there are dicks

Lots of love and I hope you come out of this stronger!

Do come back to update us on here but in your own time, don't feel pressured into it (or anything else) take time to process things but as others have said take whatever measures you need to protect yourself and your house.

@SnowWhite1985 for what it’s worth, I think people suggesting you’re not ready to be a mum is utter bo*cks! Mums are not perfect. I am one. I have many faults. So completely disregard that. Just focus on what you want to do next and make sure you have people around you xx

@SnowWhite1985 I haven't read the other thread but blimey, you have literally ONLY smashed a glass! We have ALL done stuff in times of anger and your anger was thoroughly understandable. God knows I might well have thrown the glass at him!

I bet lots of us can say we've wasted too much time on the wrong man. But, it is true, the RIGHT one comes along and everything turns out good.

Everything happens for a reason. This is the start for you, not the end. 💜

Haha love this. I'm 42. Trying for no.2. Mc is may now on my tww....wishing you all the best xx

@SnowWhite1985 I don’t have any wisdom to add but so sorry you are going through this. Hope you are safe and can lean on friends and family for support because this will be really difficult for you. x

@Smaddie020 welcome to the group. I don’t have any advice on IUI but I’m sure others in the group might be able to offer advice? Hope you get your BFP soon 😊

Seeing as I piped up now about snowwhite after being a lurker, I may as well introduce myself! Im 38 TTC #4. Massive age gap youngest is 12 in two weeks, oldest is 17 in a month. Just kind of seeing if it happens really. Obvs much much older now than I was last time!

@SnowWhite1985 I'm so sorry this has happened my love I'm only just catching up! The girls have said it all really and I echo want they have all said. Give yourself time to heal, onwards and upwards for you don't ever look back!
Sending you all my love and the best for the future xxx

Thanks everyone, you’ve all been so kind, it means a lot.
I think I’ll stay (loosely) on this board, because I think I’m going to try and have a baby myself through donor insemination. I looked into it extensively the last time my partner and I took time apart. I don’t think I can handle an anonymous sperm donor (although I acknowledge the advantages of that approach). I don’t think it’s for me though so I’ll likely ask one of my close friends. It’s a major thing though / huge decision. I’d ideally like someone who would commit to having more than one child too.
Obviously I’d much rather fall in love with someone who wants nothing more than to have kids with me, but I don’t know that I realistically have time for that. Especially with this pandemic where no one socialises anymore!
It seems I’ve already had most of the tests that need to be done for it so that’s a plus. It might seem like I’m rushing into it but it’s something I’ve thought about for years if things didn’t work out with my partner. The insemination also might help with some of the challenges of getting pregnant at my age.
My partner said it’s selfish for any woman to consider that, but I don’t think I agree. I think I could give a child a loving home, and there other male role models in my family too. I would probably move closer to my parents so the child could have wonderful grandparents in the regular picture too.

@SnowWhite1985

Thanks everyone, you’ve all been so kind, it means a lot. I think I’ll stay (loosely) on this board, because I think I’m going to try and have a baby myself through donor insemination. I looked into it extensively the last time my partner and I took time apart. I don’t think I can handle an anonymous sperm donor (although I acknowledge the advantages of that approach). I don’t think it’s for me though so I’ll likely ask one of my close friends. It’s a major thing though / huge decision. I’d ideally like someone who would commit to having more than one child too. Obviously I’d much rather fall in love with someone who wants nothing more than to have kids with me, but I don’t know that I realistically have time for that. Especially with this pandemic where no one socialises anymore! It seems I’ve already had most of the tests that need to be done for it so that’s a plus. It might seem like I’m rushing into it but it’s something I’ve thought about for years if things didn’t work out with my partner. The insemination also might help with some of the challenges of getting pregnant at my age. My partner said it’s selfish for any woman to consider that, but I don’t think I agree. I think I could give a child a loving home, and there other male role models in my family too. I would probably move closer to my parents so the child could have wonderful grandparents in the regular picture too.

xxxx ☺️💪🙌

@M4v3r1ck

Hey ladies, happy new thread! 😃😃😃

Super huge massive congratulations to those BFPs!!! 😍😍😍 Please keep us updated on how you're getting on! 😘😘😘

Was doing a quick catch up there! OMG nine times in one day!!! 🤣🤣🤣 And over how many days was the 36 times?! 😂🤯 Currently in fertile window and I honestly could not imagine those timings?! In fact I can't even do the maths! 🤪🤣

Hope everyone is doing well! And 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻 for more BFPs in this thread!!!

Where are you in your fertile window? Im 6dpo now. I'm 42 and keeping my hopes up xx

@SnowWhite1985 sounds like a great plan. Some people put too much importance on everything being exactly right to have a baby. In my opinion (and I’m sure many will shoot me down) You have all it needs. I had nothing when I got pregnant at the age of 20, absolutely nothing! But it worked out ok in the end because I gave my child what he really needed and that was love and a plan! He’s nearly 17 now and I think he’s turned out just fine 😊

@SnowWhite1985 I’m not surprised you’re feeling unwell. Be gentle with yourself, glad you’re home now. One step at a time. I haven’t read your other thread but so sorry if you’re getting piled on.

Can I ask a very much TMI question ladies? I think I have ewcm today (cd11) which is a little early- but I’m not sure if it is.. We have been trying to DTD every night just in case so could it be semen (im sorry, gross I know)
Is it weird to post a picture? Could I PM someone?