Thanks @FridaKFangirl - you're right and it's been a worry for me for a while that if he doesn't have time for me, how he will be with parenting. Although he said he was putting the hours in now so that he'd be better set up for when we had kids so he could be a full-on dad. But I guess actions speak louder than words. OMG it sounds horrible what happened to you with your partner before your 30th! Glad you met your DH so soon after!! To be completely honest when we almost ended things before (and when we've had major arguments) it seems to me like we just aren't compatible and things won't ever be right. I always sort of have a bit of a niggling doubt in the back of my mind, as it's been a real journey to even get him to consider having kids with me. I guess in my mind I'd always hoped for someone who would want to have kids with me so bad.
Thank you @selina37 - I really appreciate that. I feel terrible about turning this ttc thread into relationship angst!
Thank you @LT103! We had a big argument tonight, it ended really badly. I'll explain more below. He has said I'm the selfish one because I put having kids before him and the relationship. I have literally not complained about a thing for months because I've been trying to support him with his work etc (even though I have work too!) and didn't want him to feel bad about the fertility tests etc. I don't know if we're going to be able to work around this now to be honest. It's an issue that resurfaces every so often so I'm not sure it's going anywhere.He says he can't do both as he doesn't have the emotional capacity or the physical energy.
Thanks @Sleeeeeepy - yes I worry about this so much too (even before this argument). It seems hard to realistically imagine a scenario whereby I'm doing everything in the relationship pre-kids, but then suddenly he'll be super hands on post-kids. I would imagine being pregnant / having a baby would just amplify any existing problems rather than eliminate them.
@claireb707 - it felt very selfish to me but he says I'm the one being selfish and not prioritising the relationship. I'm glad to hear things worked out great for you after leaving your ex-husband.
So, update! We've spent the last several hours arguing. I started off really quite calm, but then I got incredibly upset because he wouldn't look at me and he wouldn't say what he wants or how he feels or where we stand. So I just got more and more frustrated. He ended up not saying very much and I just got upset and talked about my feelings a lot. I did give him plenty of time to talk but then it was just incredibly long, awkward silences. What he did say was that he feels that this relationship was a means to an end for him and that I'm only with him because I want kids. I said isn't it normal to want a family with the person you love and who you're in a long-term committed relationship with? But he said it hurts him that he'll never be enough for me and that I prioritise having kids above our relationship. He said I've made it a condition on us being together. This stems from when we almost ended things a year ago. I said at that time if he didn't want kids I wanted him to tell me straight because I didn't think I'd be able to sacrifice never having kids to be with him. And I would probably go and try and have kids on my own. We had a couple of months apart at that time, then he essentially begged me to get back together. He had spent some time with a mutual friend of ours who has a young daughter and he sent me all these messages saying he wanted kids with me so badly and that spending time with this woman and her daughter had made him realise how much he wants to be a dad. I have to admit at the time it felt a little manipulative as he basically did a 360 going from "I'm absolutely not ready to have kids right now" to "it's my dream to have kids and please don't take that away from me it's all I want and I want it with you". So we reconciled. I said to him tonight I felt this was misleading and I feel like he's been stringing me along when it wasn't really what he wanted. He says he meant it at the time but his feelings fluctuate from day to day. He said sometimes he feels fine with etc in theory and other times he doesn't and he said in practice it makes him feel physically sick because I'm ready for it and he's not. He wouldn't say when he'd be ready. I then asked him to describe his ideal life scenario over the next 5-10 years if there were no rush or fertility issues. He proceeded to describe where he would live, work etc and didn't even mention me or kids.
Anyway, we then took a bit of a time out as he said he didn't know how he felt and he needed time to think. I just got more and more upset with the silence and the lack of answers. So I went to the kitchen to do the dishes and ended up sobbing then I threw a glass at the wall. He was upstairs at the time so nowhere nearby. Long story short, he now says I'm an abusive and violent partner. He asked me to leave and said he couldn't even look at me right now. So I left. I'm not sure why I left as I don't actually have anywhere to go. I'm just sitting in a lay-by in my car crying and not sure whether to go back home or just book into a hotel for the night.
So I still have no answers. He doesn't know what he wants. He says he definitely wants to be with me but he'd rather it be "just us" for the foreseeable future. I suppose he's right to say that I've made our relationship conditional on us having kids. But I don't think it's fair for him to ask or expect me to give up ever having kids just because he doesn't want them right now. He also pointed said time isn't an issue for him as he can likely have kids into his 50s (which I thought was a bit presumptuous given he hasn't taken the SA test yet!)
In summary this is all a big fat horrible mess. It was a horrible, distressing argument. I can't see how we could go from actively ttc a few days ago to this now. But at the same time I feel like I already knew all of this deep down and none of it was a surprise to me. I don't think I do want to be with him if he doesn't want kids with me. I've always thought of relationships as a (potential) family, rather than just being about two people. He seems to think I have to put him first before everything and not want for anything myself, or want or expect him to have kids with me. It all feels horrible because now he's acting like I was using him to have kids because that's all that's on my one track mind and it was some sort of plan of mine from the start to use him as a means to an end. And he's saying I'm abusive and violent so as to absolve himself from any responsibility or blame. It's all incredibly unsettling - I started to feel like I was responsible for this entire argument when in fact he caused it by completely changing his mind ab out ttc. I know we won't talk for a few days at least, possibly weeks, because that's the way he is. When anything is difficult emotionally he retreats and I'm left wondering where I stand for ages. But I think this is over. So I won't be ttc in the near future. It breaks my heart but I guess in the long run it's best not to be with the wrong person. It feels like more lost years though and like time really is running out for me now even more than it was before. I'm a bit of a mess.
Thank you for listening and I'm sorry for this ridiculously long post!