TTC after recurrent miscarriage thread 2 - we're not giving up

[UnicornsandRainbows1]

Shiny new thread! :)

@Munchies89 bloods were good thanks.
Made the mistake of doing a clear blue digi this morning and it's still not at 3+ yet (which given blood hcg on Thursday was over 2000 it should be). And I am 5+2 today. So i am a dick and have promised myself not to do anymore tests. Not getting me anywhere and what does it tell me anyway. It's a stick that you put in your pee and depending on how diluted it is it takes a random stab at how pregnant you are. Blood tests were good. I only have to wait to Friday to find out where we are at.

Congrats @Labmum, great news!

Miami I have no faith at all in clear blue digital- with my DD I must have taken 10 as it took forever to go to 3+, I was well over 7 weeks by the time it did and she was 100% fine! With my MMC it was at 3+ quickly and it meant nothing obviously. We are all naturally drawn to them for reassurance though, they must make millions out of us worried women. I really hope Friday comes quickly for you.

@Miami81 woohoo glad the bloods were good. Ha stop being a 'dick' and peeing on things, the bloods will be much more accurate...but I totally see why you did it. What's the plan now? Will you have more bloods or will it be scans next?x

Hi Ladies,
I'm not sure how to make people bold and @ them, but glad to hear good news @miami81 @annelovesgilbert @labmum .
I'm hopefully heading into the first FW post mmc. I've had acupuncture and been doing opks (no positive yet). I'm surprisingly optimistic though terrified what my reaction will be if we're not successful. I feel like I've been coping really well for the most part, but I'm always waiting for the other emotional shoe to drop, which I'm sure you can all relate to. I'm trying to ride the optimism into the TWW.
Hope your weekends are going well.

How is everyone doing today?

You did it right @TaylsN How are your opks looking? Good work on staying positive.

I poas yesterday @Miami81 so no judgement from me I tried to buy the weeks ones but ended up wasting money on the pregnant/not pregnant ones that are all over the TV at the moment with the couple who are too stupid to be able to read a line and definitely shouldn't be allowed to become parents. It said I was pregnant. Which I knew.

@Munchies89 that sounds like a wonderful place and a really healing experience, lovely.

Hope the tea comes up trumps @CurlyTwirlyTwos! I got big into crystals last year, and reiki, and reflexology, and then acupuncture, which is the one that stuck! I'm naturally quite holistic and openminded and found it a healthy place to focus my energy when I was freaking out. I still use my singing bowl sometimes and burn incense Healthier than other displacement activity!

Thanks for the advice on how to handle work, still musing but really useful suggestions. Had a panic earlier with the tiniest bit of not quite pink cm when I wiped. The same thing sent me into a total tail spin last time and it was nothing, but still stressing a bit plus I've had slight pains low down at the front, like directly behind my public bone, sharp and not an ache, and not a deep uterus type feeling at all.

My heart goes out to your friend @Paranormalbouquet and to you for sharing her sadness and trauma You definitely did the right thing x

Ha ha @AnneLovesGilbert that made me giggle. I almost bought a two pack of the weeks ones in Tesco at lunch, only thing that stopped me was I was sure that loads of people from my work were there getting their lunch too. I was right, met one of them at the tills............ that would have been awkward.
Pink tinge really is nothing lovely. I kind of figure with all the blood thinners etc and the dildo cams our poor wee nether regions are bound to get a wee bit pink and angry. Mine tends to be dtd related.
Although there is no chance of that with us at the moment, we are both too terrified and also not really talking about how terrified we are!!

@TaylsN good luck for FW! Fingers crossed.

@Miami81 that was a close call with the tests in Tesco. Could have been very awkward! For some reason I always feel like a naughty schoolgirl when looking at pregnancy tests in supermarkets so prefer to buy online. Stupid I know.

@AnneLovesGilbert afraid not much advice on the work front. I've always told my boss that I'm pregnant due to the nature of my work and some of the chemicals I have to work with. He's really understanding and is fully aware of my history and bless him he always congratulates me. It's tricky in a promotion situation as you wouldn't want it to count against you. Not that it should but we all know it happens. But you don't want them thinking you're taking the piss either. Gynae clinic might be a good one as not exactly a lie.....just a misdirection.

@paranormalbouquet so sorry to hear about your friend. That's so tough. Try to stay positive, you've got the belt and braces stitch and are being closely monitored. You're doing everything you can. Big hugs

Yeah I cease to behave like a grown up when buying pregnancy tests. A wee voice in my head feels panicky even though I want it to be positive. It's funny what years of 'I must not get pregnant' does to your brain.

Thanks @Labmum, and really lovely to hear your boss is so supportive. Hw are you doing this week? Feeling better now bug has gone, scan was good and hopefully DH back home and pitching in? Hope things are well

I'm feeling much better thanks @AnneLovesGilbert. Was such a horrendous week but thankfully hubby is home and picking up the slack. We've been having renovations done on our house over the last 10weeks and they are thankfully drawing to a close too so my mind is calmer (not that it helps me sleep....pregnancy insomnia isn't a symptom I've had before and it's delightful especially when I've a 2 year old to keep up with and try to be patient with).

@AnneLovesGilbert how's your nausea waves? When's your next scan?

@Miami81 when is your scan? How are you feeling?

Hi everyone!
Not sure why my phone seems to have switched off notifications for this. Lots to catch up on and hope you're all well.
I've had my repeat bloods for clotting thing and they've come back negative. I'm totally gutted that there's now no explanation and I'm terrified of trying again. The nurse I spoke to today wants me to write an official complaint about the consultant we saw too as apparently there's been a lot of complaints already. So after a shitty day I'm catching up on the soaps with a large glass of pinot!

That must be so disappointing @Hopefulforourrainbow, really sorry The first lot showed something and the second lot didn't?

What have they told you about results and what to do when you're pregnant again? Nothing to stop you taking low dose aspirin off your own back. Good you're making a complaint. Mine was't a patch on your experience but I had a proper moan about the shit clinic registrar to both the consultant and his secretary - she prescribed me the wrong fucking drugs, at a critical point in a risky pregnancy and had a crappy attitude. It's so important to raise concerns to stop other people having to go through the same.

Where's your head at? I think fear of trying again is completely normal and there's nothing that really helps, which is cold comfort but means the only way is probably to jump back in when you can bare to. It's shit.

Yeah the first one was positive to lupus anticoagulant antibodies and the second is negative. Apparently you can get false positive but not false negative. I'm just going to take aspirin anyway and hope for the best i guess. They don't do any other tests at this stage apparently. They just said they all they would do is offer me an early scan which the consultant at early pregnancy unit has offered me anyway. My head is all over the place. I was so upset yesterday. We've booked a holiday for beginning of September so not going to think about it til after that. It's hard to get your head round it just being bad luck as I'm sure you're well aware!
How have you been?

Holiday sounds good, and you need to give your body and mind a rest, something to look forward to it always nice! We've got a week off in September once the awful deadline is over, going to stay in the UK and might head to a nice airbnb by the coast somewhere. I need sleep, silence, no phone signal, TV, books, and not to see anyone for a bit.

I'm alright thanks. Had a bit of spotting today, watery and brown, so not thick or bloody, and my cervix is completely closed but I'm freaking out again.

We've been so fixated on getting past the 9 week mark and seeing if the meds mean I can actually grow a functioning placenta given that that seems to have been an issue, I haven't really thought about anything happening before then. My mcs have aways taken an age to get off the ground, even with my chemical last month it was 7 days after my bfn that af came. I don't knicker check because I haven't ever bled in pregnancy and with the massive progesterone dose I'm on I think random bleeding or a spontaneous miscarriage is unlikely.

No cramps but I'm getting the odd twinge across my ovary areas both sides. Sure it's completely fine and normal but my general anxiety levels are up today. The other thing is I'm so bloated, probably from the cyclogest, that I literally look 5 or 6 months pregnant. It's there 24/7 and completely hard like an actual bump and it feels no different to normal inside. I'm slimmish and don't usually have a belly so it's obvious as hell and a bit weird. I looked less bloated at 12 weeks than I do now. Even weirder is I haven't put on a single pound so where the hell has it come from?

Oh @AnneLovesGilbert I'm on the worry bench with you lovely. I am 'sure' that there is a peach/pink tinge to the bit of discharge that is on my panty liner. It's making me freak the fuck out. I am now afraid to go back to the loo.
It's definitely the cyclogest that makes you bloat, I was on it for over 10 weeks last time and honestly it was really tough, I was unable to eat more then a few bites of food at any one time. I was constantly uncomfortable and that wasn't helped by shoving massive suppositories up my bum. Keep us posted.
Can you get a check in/check up with anybody? My reflexology lady yesterday was telling me that in order for my thyroid to function properly I need to calm the fuck down, she did acknowledge that was easy for her to say!!

Bugger, sorry you're freaking out as well @Miami81

Mine's stopped but happened with three wees earlier today (I wee about once an hour). Then went for short gentle stroll at lunch, got very mild lower back ache which is the thing that always panics me most of all. But I've had all this before followed by a good scan, so it really almost definitely isn't anything, I'm just distracted when I have so much fucking work to do, a bit uncomfortable, I'm panicking but there's nothing I can do. DH has promised to tell me to calm the frig down when I whinge. I asked him to as his sympathy was making me think I was right to worry. Poor sods, they can't win!

Scan for you in two days so not long.

Not sure whether or not that's helpful from your reflexology lady? Do you find the sessions helpful? If so then you're already doing your best

Nothing about life feels remotely calm. I'm either working and going mental about deadlines, nodding off on the sofa or stressing on here. The latter helps!

I was thinking about getting a scan before wednesday, feels an age away. But for various reasons there's basically no time. To show how totally detached I am I've been wondering how I can work around another miscarriage as I certainly can't have two weeks off like last time, and if I have to have an erpc it'll take days I don't have. What the fuck has happened to me?

@AnneLovesGilbert I have been thinking the same thing. My DH birthday is in a couple of weeks and in my head I'm thinking, hmmmmm so if it is a mc, if it could all be over and done with by then that would be great. Also dd birthday/anniversary in September so if this one is going to end then I would prefer to know before September. Which I will. But it is such a fucked up way of looking at the world.

It is

I was musing earlier about whether given my history I'm still more likely than not to get a baby at the end of each pregnancy.

Last time he gave me the normal stats and I can't remember them now but once again we beat the odds to have a non-chromosomal loss on fragmin and cyclogest after a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks. I think there was a

Oh yeah. Beating the odds every time really does suck.
I'm fed up too, sorry. Normally I can manage to be a bit upbeat. But it's all just so massive, we are only 5.5 weeks in. I keep trying to break it down into smaller groups, so get to 6 weeks have scan, get to 9 weeks have scan. And then my brain goes into freefall and I can't go any further than that. It really pisses me off that the doctors are all like, well just get pregnant and we'll take it from there. Well no sorry it is a bit more involved than that. Have to get to at least 12 weeks first and realistically there isn't a blessed thing they can do anyway up until 24 weeks. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

@AnneLovesGilbert my boss talks about the odds thing a lot. They had 6 mc's in a row, both well into their forties and their deal with each other was that they didn't give up until they had tipped over into the less than 50% chance in each pregnancy. They went on to have two perfectly healthy boys in a row.
I know that's not helpful to you right now, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your musings. My boss used to study the stat wall every time they were sat in the shit room.

It is helpful. This is my 6th pregnancy now, not inc the chemical last month which I still medicated for 3 days, and there thankfully aren't that many people in this particular crap club.

The stories which don't help involve IVF - which won't make a blind bit of difference as there's nothing wrong with my babies and my equipment seems to be the issue - and adoption which while very rewarding is hardly an easy option and something DH has completely ruled out.

Do you know if they ever had a reason or what made the difference?

I was reassured by the frankness of the doc last week and his don't be too optimistic but today it's really bothering me. Not pissed off, just fucking frustrated and exhausted of the whole pissing thing, wishing away time so I can see whether or not there's been any point to the epic drugs and no lie ins and mega belly and heartache.

They were checked for all the obvious things and even had an rmc appointment with prof regan in London. Nothing found, just keep going was the advice. Somehow next pregnancy after that stuck.
I presume because of their respective ages they were maybe dealing with slight egg/sperm issues, but 6 in a row seems excessive even when age related I would have thought.
You poor love. I think it's ok to have a shit day when the whole thing just narks you right off.
I have had a few well meaning people ask the adoption question, which both of us are really open to, however we are hardly the adoption boards dream couple at the mo given we have suffered a stillbirth. And nobody realises that adoption takes a long bloody time. Also I am terrified that they would say we are already too broken to take on a child who has also lost, if that makes sense.
I do wonder about ivf, in the sense of preserving current fertility levels. But we shall see where we get to at the moment.
I'm worried this one is ectopic. Why? Because in the shitty handouts/ odds of the world I haven't experienced that yet..........

@AnneLovesGilbert and @Miami81 I'm so sorry you are both having crappy days. Nothing to be done except plodding along until the next scan and it's frustrating as hell. I just wish there was a way of us knowing what was going on in there, like a little spy hole. I just can't think beyond next Thursday and I'm still thinking I may need to factor in time off work for medical management despite stats after seeing a heartbeat at 10 weeks.
Hugs to you both and hope the next week flies by for us all!

Bless you both. You know I adore DH, he’s the best man ever, but I swear there’s nothing like having you lot to talk to, sorry it’s been such a self indulgent rant today.

I had the same thoughts miami! The first thing I asked was if there was definitely something there and if so was it in the right place. I’m sure yours is too x

We’ve talked about adoption. I see myself as a mum, I see myself cuddling a baby, pushing a pram, wiping noses, holding hands, reading stories, doing bedtime. I don’t picture what it looks like, the colour of its skin, whether it’s a boy or a girl, nothing specific. We have 3 adoptions in my family so I know the good and bad from those and I was open to it as possibility. But part of me wants a baby that’s part of me. I love my step children and get a huge amount of joy from being a stepmum but going into this ttc lark was about creating a family that’s ours, both of ours, and not me piggy backing on his. Adding a child to the mix that is equally ours but not from us is an interesting one. DHs best mate is adopted and very conflicted about it and he just feels it’s too complicated for him. Which I do struggle with a bit because I want a child and a family of my own and I don’t 100% believe that’ll happen naturally at the moment. But he’s who I’ve chosen to have my babies with so I respect his view.