Thread for the down at heart and lacking in optimism

[duchesse]

I probably shouldn't do this, but...lovely though the ladies on my current ttc threads are, there are times when I feel I need a break from the upbeat atmosphere.

My story- 38, going on 39, three children easily conceived in my 20s, ttc number 4 for 3 years before finally achieving a pregnancy that ended in foetal death at 12 weeks and miscarriage at 13 weeks (Oct 2006).

Frequent lapses of hope. I simply can no longer believe that it will all be OK, that this month will be the one.

Now contemplating stopping trying.

I do know what you mean. We've been trying for 6 months but I am post-depo, I am 37 and dh is 48 so I don't feel the odds are stacked in our favour. It's not necessarily rational but sometimes I just don't think it is going to happen. A little voice says "told you so" every time AF arrives

I must admit, I'm only 25 and only in the first month of trying for no.2 so prob shouldn't post here BUT I do tend to be pessimistic and sometimes too much optimism makes me even more nervous!! I get scared of getting my hopes too high.

Know how you feel, well kind of.

I am trying for my first (18mths) have slight PCOS am on clomid have a lap and dye + ovarian drilling booked in March but can't shake the feeling that maybe it is not happening for a reason.

I did have one month where i allowed myself to think maybe i am but it was such a let down when AF arrive whereas it is easier now kind of telling myself it is very unlikely to happen so when AF arrives i am not so upset.

Did you have any tests? As you were trying 3 years for No 4?

Know how you feel. Have a gorgeous 11mo ds. Having had a late m/c followed by an early m/c, I am seriously contemplating the fact that we may not be able to have another. Dh doesn't get it - he already has two children from his first marriage. TTC last month, as you probably know, and it didn't take. I am not a patient person, admittedly and I fell pg again after the first m/c quite quickly without trying too hard, so I had an expectation that I'd fall pg again really quickly. Now I'm winding myself up that we won't even be able to conceive, let alone carry to term... Not in your league, I know, but still feeling glum about the whole thing...

I've had a day 21 progesterone test that showed what I already knew from temperature charting- that I was ovulating normally (and regularly). Nothing else. The miscarriage proved that I am not infertile, merely subfertile. My GPs have lost interest.

Same husband, nothing has changed but our age.

It's a mystery.

And Mump- this thread is for the glum and overflowing with glumness to congregate (as and when needed) where they will not dampen others' enthusiasm- so no need to qualify. Welcome to my Hut of Glum.

Should one be permitted to post smiley faces in the Hut of Glum?!?!?

I know what you mean. The ttc threads are so very positive which I know is probably
hard for some people who have been ttc for a while, but really difficult to share when you're ttc after a m/c. I must say that I'm glad there is a dediccated thread.

Beansprout, I am 36 and DH is 45, I am trying to persuade him to have a DC3, but he says he thinks he's too old.
Do you already have children? Did you have to persuade DH?
Sorry to those of you trying for first time, trying for number 3 probably seems like the best problem in the world!
Do keep trying, I know so many who have struggled and then got there in the end.
My DB and SIL are now expecting after 4yrs of trying and she had almost given up and slid into deep depression. There are LOTS of these stories and no reason why that won't be you.
I cried and cried when I heard their news and can't wait fro the birth.
I think that has made me even more broody for number 3.

Oh I think that it's such a common place to be.

We've been ttc our second for 20 months now. It took 13 months to conceive my ds (now 4), so I did prepare myself for the fact that it might not happen straight away, but a part of me thought that just maybe I would fall pg sooner rather than later. As months dragged on and it didn't happen I began to tell myself that maybe it wasn't going to happen after all. Then in April of this year I skipped a period, and although tests were negative the gp told me she thought I was pregnant and to test again in two weeks. Nothing. and then af arrived a month late, I was devostated, and it was about then that I started to distance myself from the ttc threads, although I did still hang out there somewhat, but more on the "those who have been trying for eons" thread rather than the regular thread.

Then in July my dh went for a sperm test and it came back saying he had a very low count, about 20% of what it should be, and it was at that point that I decided that it was all futile really. I'm not using contraception, but I no longer thinkg "am I, aren't I" every month. I did consider going back on the pill to just forget about it all but couldn't bring myself to do it.

then last month I was late, had sinus pain and because I was late I did a test. I gave the test to dh to read and he read it wrong and told me it was bfp, I ran upstairs to get the instructions and it turned out that it was actually bfn. I cried, it was so horrible.

I still believe that we probably will never have another baby, but I can't bring myself to draw a line under it all.

sorry for the novel

has your dh had a sperm test?

Beansprout- I reckon the same is true of older men who feel too old, as of young men who feel too young: when the sproglet actually arrives, they can't remember life without it. You could try this angle on him, maybe?

Sorry, not Beansprout but Smileyspeople.

I've pointed that out Duchesse (it's me with the misearble old codger who won't go for it, Beansprout's busy trying with hers ), but he's being pretty stubborn.
I have 2 perfect beautiful sons, so will not feel hard done by not having a third, but the yearning doesn't go away.

am wth you smiley, I have a wonderful ds who I wouldn't change for the world, so in reality if I'm unable to have another I'll survive, but I so wanted a sibling for ds, I so had my life sorted - ds starts school next year, but it was going to be alright because I would have another baby by then, people ask when I'm going to have another, my mother, who knows we've been having problems, asks ds whether he'd like a brother or sister and it just makes me soooo

but there are so many who are so much worse off than me so in reality I have no right to feel sad. I should be grateful for things I do have rather than feeling sad for the things I don't/can't have

I think you can be both at the same time WannaBe.
We struggled to have DS2 after having Ds1 so easily. I remeber thinking, if we don't have another part of me will always be sad, but when you have one beautiful perfect child you're so lucky you can never feel hard done by.
Doesn't take the longing away though.

Mump- we can do whatever we like in the Hut of Glum. We can use smileys willy-nilly if we want to, ironically if we want to, and not have to put a brave face on.

Smiley - dh has 2 older dds (21 and 19) so it was a case of convincing him that he wanted to "do it all again". He was unsure for a while and we nearly split up as I really wanted children and couldn't give that up. Anyway, he came to the decision that he wanted to and we fell for ds at the first attempt. So, if we have another it will our 2nd and his 4th.

I think age (within reason) is just something people use. It's as simple as if you want to.... or not.

I also know that yes, we have ds, but I'll always feel "incomplete" if we don't have another.

Duchesse - I love your house/hut rules. Thank you for this thread

I think this thread is a fantastic idea. Not everybody is happy about waiting, waiting, waiting for AF.

Wishing all you lovely ladies the very best of luck and especially you wannabe xxx

Hi all, saw this thread title and had to post. Seems like an appropriate place for me at the moment - hut of gloom loving it already.
Wannabe......just read your post sweetie, so sorry to hear about the test/dh reading results wrong..((hugs to you))
Hiya to Natty too, hope you are ok honey.
At risk of repeating myself a zillion times over - me in a nutshell... me 31, dh 35 next month, no children. TTC for what seems like forever but only officially trying since Aug 05. In reality not used contraception since Aug04 when we got married. Diagnosed pcos may06. lap and dye (tubes clear) and ovarian drilling sept 06. Not on clomid or anything else as gyny seemed to think all would be well after drilling.
However next gyny appt April 07 - so i have 3 months left before i find out what plan b might entail.
Feeling mighty pissed off as im sure you other ladies are too. Cant seem to find the energy or positivity to go on the "trying for a positive" threads, and thats no disrespect to them at all.
Sorry for essay
Hope we can all support each other here xxx

Sorry to hear that people are lacking in optimism! Plenty of hugs for the inhabitants of the "hut of gloom" - may your stay here be brief!!!

Hi duchesse, although I don't want to be lacking in optimism, I cant help it. Everyone keeps saying it will be ok, time will heal and I will get pregnant again,but deep down this is not how I feel.

Life is pants, and I am getting a serious bum deal!

(Brief history - Had problems conceiving - had normal tests and tubes checked etc... everything fine, except boarding on PCO's. So unexplained fertility. Then we got pregnant, but had bleeding from 10 weeks, that was very heavy at times. I was in hospital from 20 weeks and my membranes went at 23 weeks, I had a little boy at 24 weeks but he died. We also had a rough time in delivery and are considering putting a complaint in with the hospital). - basically nothing went well!

Now we are back to conceiving again..on cycle 2 and totally can't believe what has happened. So worried that it will take ages again, but know it is early days. So scared, that we might never have a child aswell as mourning the one we lost. We always stayed positive through all the ups and downs of our pregnancy and look what happened...but I get told off by people for being negative...reality is a different story and when you are living it and it does not fulfil your dreams and hopes it can become devastating and have a massive impact on your life...

So thanks for the 'Hut of Gloom' - life sucks!

rahrah1- thank god there are other people thinking like me..........feel like such a bad mother (to be) im sat here drinking wine and feeling sorry for myself instead of counting the days and checking my temperature so glad its not just me.
am looking forward to making some good friends on here.
xxx

Hi pussycatmomma... Nice to meet you.. x

I'm enjoying the wine but still obsessing over when I'm ovulating etc etc... But going to be very down trodden if not pregnant after this cycle...

It is so strange I pass on all the advise that people give me to others, but not sure about it myself.

Maybe if I stopped thinking about it all the time.... then I would be more relaxed...How do you shift the focus to something else, if it is the one thing you want in life?

hi rahrah...
I dont think it is possible to shift the focus, but I have found it easier by "doing less stuff". eg, i dont temp, use ovulation pee sticks or use pre-seed/ drink grapefruit juice/take eve primrose etc etc. I used to do everything, the lot, even down to ovulation microscope! But guess what, still not pregnant. The pressure was unbelievable to "do it" at when I thought was the right time. Half the time would end up in row with dh, he felt pressured to perform. After I was diagnosed with the pcos, felt strangely calm about the whole thing, whatever will be will be kind of thing. Had the procedure in Sept and have been trying like mad, but again, not doing anything in addition to shagging (sorry) every day /every other day from when af stops to when af starts again. It is hard to give up all the extras, but I do feel so much better about it all, even though i want it so much. I think there is something about letting go of the feeling of wanting to control things. Maybe this tactic may help you?

what is an ovulation microscope?