Thread for the down at heart and lacking in optimism

[duchesse]

I probably shouldn't do this, but...lovely though the ladies on my current ttc threads are, there are times when I feel I need a break from the upbeat atmosphere.

My story- 38, going on 39, three children easily conceived in my 20s, ttc number 4 for 3 years before finally achieving a pregnancy that ended in foetal death at 12 weeks and miscarriage at 13 weeks (Oct 2006).

Frequent lapses of hope. I simply can no longer believe that it will all be OK, that this month will be the one.

Now contemplating stopping trying.

rahrah1,
I'm afraid your family sound like they have been in serious, high-altitude training to win this particular competition. Perhaps there should be a parallel competition offering the dream response to each of these comments. Then we can all spontaneously say all the things we normally only think of several hours later.

Yes they have had years of training.... I'm not even going to mention the things my brother says - he's having a baby too and they are due end of Jan.... So dreading it! (they live in USA and his wife is American and are so serious about everything!) The family get regular pictures of new items in the nursery, which they had done by 5 months! (I suppose I'm just jealous!)

Just tortured myself by reading the labour thread. FSB I would have been 39.5 now.
Moan, groan, stamps feet, whinge - do I have to go and sit on the step for 36mins for complaining ?

actually 38.1 - can't do that maths as I am in grumpsville

indigNativity,
Get yourself away from the naughty step. You earn your merit badges for quality complaining around here and you have good reason to moan and groan and slam some doors. You are torturing yourself but hands up who hasn't done it. My speciality is keeping my hpts that went positive as if by staring at them I can make them stay real. A pointless exercise but there you go.

Thanks eclipse - sending hugs - I threw mine out in a fit of pique - now wish I had them back to obsess over

Glad you are all here, I really need a grumpy corner today.

AF arrived this morning and am just fed up. Am formulating a huge conspiracy theory in my mind along the lines of I should NEVER have been prescribed depo and my GP is to blame for my predicament! Or something!! Am sick, sick, sick of this. It's really getting me down today.

Am not open to rational argument. Humph!!

Beansprout- I blame Mirena for my woes. I think I should never ever use artificial hormones- they have never agreed with me. The pill makes me feel ill, and mirena removed my own hormones. I think the quacks don't give a damn about nefarious effects, as long as you don't get pregnant; they just whinge on about the potential risks of pregnancy, as if the real side-effects (and lasting, too, if I'm anything to go by) of artificial hormones were negligible in comparison.

Ffs, even if I'd had six babies in the 6.5 years since I had the damned IUS fitted, I doubt I'd be as messed up as I am now. I'd be poor and tired, but I wouldn't feel as weird as I've felt over the last few years. Incidentally, did anybody else get really weird psychological (I mean utterly out of character) after stopping their hormonal contracepton?

I'm talking fearfulness, obsessive behaviour, disturbing thoughts, irrational fears, muddled thoughts, and a new inability to read maps. I am not used to being any of these things, and am glad to say that they have waned again in the last 2 years to 18 months, (in line with the return of normal periods) and rather resemble me at 14-15 when my periods were just starting. All this coupled with weird digestive symptoms and very low body temperature for several years -my standard pre-ovulation temp was 35.6 for about two years after Mirena removal- I was cold all the time, even at 24-26 degrees.

My effing gp told me I needed anti-depressants (erm, hello? what about the 35.6C?) I got up and left his surgery and refuse to see him now. I always insist on a female GP now, so as not to be foisted off on him. That was a year and a bit ago, and since then all of these symptoms have gradually gone as my base temperature pre-ovulation has risen to around 36.3. Without the use of bloody anti-depressants!

I think they just prescribe ADs like they used to prescribe antibiotics- will-nilly and to get you out of their surgery.

eclipse- like you, I kept my positive HPTs. Until the last one. I can't really explain why, but as soon as I knew I was pregnant back in August, I refused to believe that it was staying. I threw away the first test immediately and also the next one two days later. I never felt positive about it. Which freaks me out slightly because, well, it didn't stay and I had a dream at about 9 weeks that it was anencephalic, which was exactly what the sonographer picked up as a probable cause for its death at 12 weeks. Which is why it freaks me out to feel deep inside me that I will never have another child, because I am afraid that my intuition is right.

duchesse,
the hormone changes sound possible but they never seem to do those sort of follow ups with drug trials, partly because those kind of changes are so hard to measure, but you know yourself when something is not right. I'm glad it's all out of your system.

It's horrible when you get a feeling that something will or won't happen because no matter how you rationalise it, it's hard to shift the feeling. Maybe it's our subconscious way of trying to predict what will happen, otherwise there's just too much uncertainty. Without wanting to seem too positive (don't want to get frog-marched out of the Hut) I really hope you're wrong, that you have a good dream that you can believe in so that you get a bfp you can enjoy.

I have completely irrational thoughts.. I know I have them but cant help it. I have convinced myself that driving will stop me becoming pregnant or staying pregnant, as I get so stressed out driving. It is getting so bad I'm think about taking a bus. (if you know me and the fact I've only taken a bus once in my life...they you know its serious) Hormones have a lot to answer for!

Impatience - I'm so sorry that must have sounded so insensitive. All I meant was that just when I had given up all hope of concieving last month (cycle 8)- WHAM - I got a BFP. Its been such a complicated month for you, I hope things settle down and you can start monitoring everything again. How long have you been TTC now? I'm finding it all very bewildering at the moment, I never realised the anxiety just gets worse when you get pregnant, I really thought the whole TTC was the hardest part!! Am going to be a nervous wreck by the time muy body settles down and we can start TTC again. God... I could murder a large glass of wine!!!

Here's a virtual glass for you PinkElephant. Wow, downed already? Here's another!

It has been a strange old month. This is my 19th month, although after the first 4 I begged dp to have a go and she got pg, so then I had to wait before starting again! So we could be strict and say I've only been trying for 15months, and of that I'm sure my body didn't know what way up it was for the first 6 or so because I was really strung out and v v v tired. So perhaps it's only reasonable to think I might have conceived since early summer, but that's now still a good 6months.

Actually, 6months doesn't feel nearly as bad as 19months. Good grief, perhaps I should kick myself out of the Hut: I just cheered myself up a bit

Rahrah1, bless you. I think the only way driving will stop you conceiving is if you're trying to do both acts at the same time! And, actually that might not be much better on the bus! Tee hee hee.

Any other obsessive avoidances going on? I get a bit freaky when I realise I'm in a house/building with wireless internet. Not to mention all the mobiles. Nothing I can do about it though!

Impatiene- When I'm walking the dog, I take my mobile with me but turn it off because the pocket I put it in is right next to my ovaries. It's crazy really, because if something happened when I was alone in the forest, it takes about a minute for it to reboot itself fully. Let's just hope there are no weirdos hanging around up there... Also I worry constantly about our wireless internet, switch off the modem at night, and turn off the wireless network thingie inside the computer. In fact I find myself looking askance at the laptop all the time even though I need to use it for work.

Also I worry that every alcoholic drink I have might just be interfering with the development of some tiny and undetected embryo, and that I"ll either lose or it will be born with Foetal Alcohol Syndrome. I think that one of my first NY resolutions ought to have been to stop researching diseases online.

Well that'e the end of my fertile time for this month and not even a whiff of sex. Still mad at the bastard.

Some friends have just been to visit with their 6 month old, who I haven't seen before, and I am now in floods of tears

Is it too early for wine?

Duchesse, life would be so much easier if we didn't know so much!

Sideways, poor you. Do what you want, no reason not to, heh? Or perhaps this'll be the night your dh comes home, you have a drunken row then kiss and make up and bingo you weren't quite out of your fertile window... Damn! That's exactly the positivity that pees me off!

Sideways- there's always someone, isn't there? My cousin and his wife produced a baby girl two days after my miscarriage in October (I didn't know they were expecting) and one of my best friends produced an equally unexpected (for me anyway) baby boy-I hadn't seen them for a few months, and spoke to her last in July just after her father died- evidently she must have been pregnant at the time, but didn't mention it- other things on her mind probably. Another very good friend had his first in September.

I spent a day at half-term, whilst on holiday ten days after the miscarriage, buying little baby gifts for other people's babies. Which kinda sucked, to put it Americanly.

Never to early for wine!! Fill your glass up!

Those damn husbands!! Mine had a cold last night so could not perform as he was just to weak!!He reckons he was too ill, which would not make for good sperm!

well consider this DH! when we my sex drive dry's up and you are no longer needed...it's a few 20 years of turning my back on your advances... heheheh women don't forget!

Got to say duchesse that is a good point... I'm dreading end of this month, as I should be 36weeks and my SIL and friend are due their babies... My mum and dad are obviously excited, as although mine was their first grandchild my brothers will be alive and well, so will be their first living grandchild... I'm not sure how I'm going to cope....so hope this tread is still going.

The baby doctor, who looked after our son when he was born has just been to see us today. I feel like the unluckiest person.... I had bleeding through out my pregnancy from 10 weeks, until the 24weeks. So they said very unlucky to have that. Then my membranes went at 23 weeks, again unlucky. Then I had an infection, again unlucky. The the delivery went wrong, again unlucky. Then to top it all off he was perfectly formed, good weight and everything was developed except for his lungs, which he died from...Worst luck of all!! It was just one thing after another...why did we not get a break?

"still here", Rahrah. Of course it'll still be here. The Hut of Gloom will never go away! (although when it reaches about 250-300 postings I may have to move it a little)

Thank god for that!! because as you can see I post quite a lot on here!!

Impatience - lol at you sneaking a bit of positivity in there. Tut tut!

duchesse - that does kinda suck, I agree.

I'll get my own back, somehow, somewhere...

To cap it all, my bloody guinea pig's just given birth! To four babies, one of them stillborn. I didn't know she was pregnant either. I must be in denial.

The next problem is that she shares her quarters with three other females. Since I have no idea how she could have got pregnant (I keep my males separate, and a long way away), we could be seeing a few more before long...

That really is the ultimate insult, isn't it, when even the guinea pif gets pregnant!