Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

Hello everyone. Been AWOL for a while and not really up to date with the thread-sorry. Hope you've all had a lovely Chrstmas and new year. I hope it has been kind to you all.

I have to say I feel like I've fallen into a bit of a black hole. I think I've spent so long trying to be strong and support everyone else that I've finally given in. I don't feel like me at the moment. I've told my husband I don't want to ttc anymore, I only want our little girl. This has caused tensions between us, cue me meeting my friend, getting too drunk and practically playing out at live Jeremy Kyle show in the pub. I am mortified! It is so unlike me and I'd quite like to pretend it never happened!

Christmas has really hit me hard, that and seeing my beautiful niece. I feel quite lonely and nobody asks how I am anymore as I make out I'm fine. How is anyone meant to know if I don't say anything?! I know this but I'm silently screaming for someone to just ask how I am!

Started a fair few new years resolutions, trying to give my self some direction, anyone else the same?

Wishing health and happiness to everyone in 2015 and uneventful bfp's for everyone trying.

Ellie, sorry you have been feeling down recently I hated that stage where it's like no one remembers what you went through and just expects you to be ok tbh I don't think anyone can understand unless they have been through what we have all been through.

If your feeling down or angry or upset just remember you can always come here to rant, unfortunately this page is filled with lovely women who all understand what your going through

X

EllieandAnna, just wanted to send love and support. I know the feeling, especially the Jeremy Kyle show bit. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's enough to be grieving. The first time I went to see one of my closest friends after our son died I got so drunk I had to stay in bed for a day and a half afterward. For me it was about getting through the night and there were no rules. I still can't remember how I got home. Back in the day I'd feel terrible about it but now I couldn't care less. Whatever works. Give yourself time, you can vent here. There's so many of us that are unfortunate enough to understand when nobody else will.

New Years resolution is to breakfast/lunch/dine at a slower pace. Have acquired some very bad eating habits through the years and need to reprogram...

Townsender, Cake, Lake and Kayleigh, thanks for sending thoughts. Got my first dr's appt tomorrow, cross fingers.

Ducky it's lovely to hear you're enjoying your sleep deprivation ??

Waves to everyone else.

Xxa

EllieandAnna, thinking of you and sending big hugs. It will get easier, you will never forget but the grief does get less raw.
I've found that people never ask how I am when there's a group of us. If I'm 1 on 1 with someone, some of my friends do ask. Today it happened, and it was great to talk.

No New Years resolution for me, not this year. Too many new things happened last year. Although, reflecting on my comment above, I want to be the friend who asks my friends if they are ok. I don't think I was that person before 'G' was born - too scared or you think you are intruding by asking. Just too damn English stiff upper lip.

Anna, fx for tomorrow.

x

Thank you town. I doubt i'll ever see that particular gp from now on. I hope you had a nice time with your friends.

ellie sorry you've been in a hole recently, i hate to say it but it probably won't be the last time you feel like that. I can relate to what you said regarding the "Jeremy Kyle episode". I always put others first before Ben and now i'm more selfish, but then i suppose some sort of change is to be expected.

anna keeping my fingers crossed for you tomorrow. Please let us know how it goes when you can.

AFM i'm starting to irritated by some of the people around me who know i'm expecting again. I appreciate that people will be concerned about me after Ben, however i very much dislike being told what i can and can't do. Have any of you ladies had people do this with you and how did you handle it?

Love to all xx

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the support, I really appreciate it. It also helps to know what I'm feeling is normal, at least I'm not going crazy!

Anna fingers crossed for today, I hope it goes well for you.

Hi all, sorry to not name check as we were away after christmas got back bye. Did read posts but was on phone so stupid keyboard didn't reply.

NYE and 1st Jan saw me have a bit of a meltdown and wobble. I'm ok now though.

Think I'm due period tomorrow if calculation is right, hoping it's not though as couldn't resist it and just poas, needless to say negative result so hoping just too early.

Hope all you ladies are settling into the new year well x

Anna good luck with the appt today

Ellie hope you are feeling slightly better, grief seems to be a crazy thing. One minute I feel fine then the smallest thing might set me off. It does get easier to cope with though and sounds like you are doing a great job.

Vicky fx that it was just too early for your BFP, I find that 2WW the worst thing about TTC . I'm fine up until a couple of days before AF and then I go crazy symptom spotting, convince myself I might be pregnant, then feel even more sad when AF inevitably comes. Every month that goes by I guess I realise it's another month longer without a baby. It plays on my mind a lot, I try to think it'll happen when my body is ready but I am acutely aware if I'm not pregnant by April then we won't have a baby this year it'll be 2016. Just frustrated with this waiting game. The absolute worst thing about AF arriving for me is telling DH as he's so keen to have a family too, he gets really sad each month.

Hope everyone is having a good day so far

Kayleigh, I totally hate being told what I can and can't do as well. It was bad enough first time round, who knows what will happen next time. How I handled it depended on who it was. Mostly I tried to ignore it (I'm not too good with conflict) and have a private rant then go and do whatever I wanted to do. Toughest one is when DP has different views, as he's the only one who has some kind of say (although nowhere near as much as you!!). I'm a bit scared he'll want to wrap me up in cotton wool for 9 months if I do get a bfp.

Vicky, glad you're ok now, sorry about bfn and evil witch.

Hello all,

I've been reading but quietly having a meltdown. Am on phone as computer crashed so it's hard to name check. Plus I'm just so empty and exhausted. Sorry for just 'taking' and hardly ever 'giving'. I feel like I'm always so brave for everyone and here I can just collapse. Today's should have been out baby's due date. The lead up to today was worse than the actual day. We had lots of plans to mark the day but then it suddenly all felt forced and wrong.

I'm trying to take each day as it comes but I really, really don't want to go back to work tomorrow, my daughter really is my salvation and I'm so sad at the thought of leaving get. I know she'll have a ball though, and it's healthy for both of us.

A gentle year to you all x

Mademoiselle sorry that you are feeling so awful at the moment. Yesterday must have been really tough for you. I hope that work today was gentle on you.

Madem i found the build up difficult too. Sending hugs x

Had a tough time too recently, ds has been poorly

I am dreading dd's birthday too I know it's stupid but I kind of feel guilty I don't know why, I guess just because she's not here, then I feel bad for that. I don't know if wel do anything, then that makes me feel bad too. I think I would get too emotional if we did anything. I just can't win

for duckymadem and for any others who need it. Sorry that you are feeling yucky and upset.

AFM... I'm out this month so back to it in couple of weeks. Can see I'm going to get slightly obsessed with it all.

X

Just got back from a scan at the hospital - 9+5, was was hoping to see a little tiny baby (we saw a heartbeat on xmas eve) … baby stopped developing a couple of weeks ago and no longer has a heartbeat. Have to decide whether to miscarry naturally or have a surgical evacuation. Tomorrow will be eight months since DD2 died. Feeling so exhausted and emotionally battered.

I am so sorry Betty. I am rubbish at this and never know what to say but I'm sending lots of love your way. x

Betty oh my goodness I am so very, very sorry. Life is so bloody unfair and cruel, yet again. No wonder you are feeling battered and exhausted. Sending you and your DH a huge virtual hug xxx

Sorry I haven't been here for a while.

Just want to extend a hand to Betty. I am so sorry that you are going through this. After all that you've been through and now this. Take your time to grieve, we are here for you when you are ready to ttc.

Love to the rest of you. I'll be honest I've always been crap on this thread. I do flit on and off and you will have to forgive me for that. I do however think of you all often, those with rainbows, those pregnant with rainbows and the others TTC. You are all such strong women that have been through the worst pain imaginable, I look back over the last year and can not believe how I really got through it. And sometimes I'm not sure if I still have. Meh, I'm waffling again - told you I wasn't very good at this.

madem sorry you've been feeling down. The lead up to Ben's due date was hard for me too. It's rubbish that what should have been a happy date is now one filled with sadness instead. I'm sending you hugs and

betty i'm so so sorry to hear your very sad news i hope you have lots of support around you. I was in a similar situation in 2008 and decided to wait and see if i miscarried naturally, however 2 months later i hadn't so i had to have the oral and vaginal tablets to help things along. I'm also sending you hugs and

AFM i've begun to put my foot down with people telling me what to do, and luckily the people in question are listening so far. I'm just hoping EPU can see me sooner rather than later now.

Love to all xx

madem I'm so sorry you're feeling low, big hugs. How did the first day back go? Hope it was ok and that work are being understanding. I'm fast approaching W's due date and I'm dreading it, but always want it too if that makes sense as I just want to get past that milestone so much.

betty I am so very very sorry, life is so bloody cruel sometimes. Thinking of you so much and sending you hugs x for what it's worth I opted for an erpc when I had an mmc because my body just wasn't doing anything naturally. It was quick and I personally felt it was right choice for my circumstances. Hope you're getting loads of support in rl x

Afm, having a rough time as my dh is very poorly with bronchitis and my dd started new pre school this week so it's all been manic. Dh and I also had a big talk about ttc, he broke down and said how terrified he is that I could die and just didn't feel he could take that risk at the moment. It was very upsetting to see him like that but so important for him to say it too and I said it is too early to make decisions. I think until we have an appointment with the consultant to ask what the risks would be etc there is no point in even thinking about it. So I hope you don't mind me staying in this thread for the time being even though we aren't ttc just yet. I saw Gp again on Monday who was fantastic, called obstetrics consultant there and then and put a rocket up them about not sending out an appointment. That afternoon I got a phone call from them apologising and offering me an appointment on 21st - Better late than never and I'm so grateful to have such a fab gp. We also have a review appointment with the neonatal consultant tomorrow, it's going to be very emotional but feel we really need to have both these appointments to ask our questions, even if there aren't clear answers.

Sorry for going on. Lots of love to everyone x

Just wanted to stop by and wish you all the best Betty, so sorry things have ended this way hope things go smoothly for you and that you have a lot of love and support around you.
Sorry things have been tough for so many.
Glad your GP managed to speed things up for you cake
Kayleigh hopefully people will listen to your wishes and stop telling you what to do

AFM AF is almost done so back to TTC again soon. Feel like I've hardly seen DH this week as I've been working nights.
Hopefully I'll catch up with the thread soon

Betty my heart goes out to you, such sad news, and horrible that you now have to make a decision on what to do next. Thinking of you.

Madem and Cake, I know what you mean about due date being a big milestone. I was very glad to see the back of mine, but also a bit sad as nothing felt different afterwards. I don't know why, I somehow expected to feel magically better, but really didn't, not straight away. A month or so later though, I was in a much better place.
Cake, I'm glad you've got such a great GP, he/she sounds like a miracle worker. fx your review with the neonatal consultant goes well tomorrow. And of course you should stay on this thread!!!!!

Hello Lake, welcome back, hope you're feeling ok and ready for some TTC action. fx you're not working nights during your fertile period.

AFM, not a lot to report. This week at work has been manic, but I'm enjoying the buzz of working and means the days are going really quickly. Plus I'm mid-cycle, lots of TTC action and cut down on the booze so really hoping it pays off this month with a bfp. Maybe the start of Jan isn't so bad after all. Feeling positive, and sending you all positive vibes.

cake glad to hear you and your dh have had that important talk- do you feel better after doing so? And how amazing of your gp too, i'm glad you have such a caring doctor. I hope both of your coming appointments give you at least some of the answers/information you need. And you should stay on the thread- regardless of when you and your dh feel ready to ttc- we're all here to offer support.

Thank you lake there's just one more person i need to "read the riot act to" and then hopefully it'll calm down. Keeping my fingers crossed for you this cycle.

town glad you're feeling positive at the moment, keeping my fingers crossed for you too this month.

AFM i'll be ringing EPU in the morning to see when they can fit me in for my early scan, just hoping i'm not waiting too long, as i kind of need to see it to believe it right now

Betty I am so, so sorry! WHY oh why? I seriously don't get it. Why does so much crap happen to one person? It's so unfair. I am thinking of you lots and sending you love and healing vibes. I hope that you manage to make the best decision for you and your family. I had a medical termination and the recovery was very quick; as I, like you, have a toddler daughter, I decided to go for the 'quickest recovery' option and it really was fine.

To everyone else: your kind words have been very soothing. I feel miraculously better since January 5th - townsender , I really didn't exepct anything to be different at all and bizarrely it really is! It's strange: I seem at peace. It's the best way I can describe how I feel. Even the mc just before Christmas doesn't upset me as much as I thought it would. I think this very short pregnancy has given me hope. Hope that it will, eventually, happen again. I don't know when, it might not be when we want it and the road to get there might be long, but I have hope...

Thank you all for being such wonderfully supportive women x

Thank you so much all of you. I'm going in for surgical management today (tablets not a possibility after c-section apparently) - like cake said, I don't trust my body to do it naturally. Plus I have my viva at the end of the month and would rather get it out of the way before then. Doctor said I should be fine to go back to work on Monday - I just thought, really? I've lost one full term baby not that long ago, now I'm having a miscarriage, and I'm only supposed to take two days to recover? Feels like the world expects an awful lot from us.

madem i'm glad you're feeling marginally better now, as you say, hope is a wonderful thing to have.

betty i hope your surgical procedure goes as well as it can. Personally i feel that you should take however much time you need to recover- you're the one going through this, not the doctor! Thinking of you today

AFM well i have my scan booked at EPU on Monday morning. DH will be working so i've asked my mum to go with me.

Love to all xx