Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

Anna I was worried that you'd had some bad news as you went very quiet. No pressure to post, just know that I am thinking of you. gx you will get your ultrasound soon, and it'll either be good news or get sorted very very quickly.

Kayleigh, great news that everything looks ok so far, although early days its a massive step isn't it. Such a relief, at least for a few moments.

Cake every time you post your story it sounds so familiar. Bruising and bleeds on the brain, god those days just flash back to me . I'm glad you've got a date for your obstetrics consultant sorted. Take a notebook!

Ducky how is DS today? A bit better again, hopefully for you all.

Lake, time to pounce on DH at a random time of day methinks. Think horny thoughts! Although I imagine that working nights is probably a bit of a horniness killer. Doh!

Blue Hello!! Glad you and L and DH are all well, and if time is passing you must be having fun, hooray!

AFM, still shagging away EOD and hoping for a bfp. Work has gone bonkers so I'm working far too many hours (including on Sunday, grrr), but that does mean time is going quickly and I'm not obsessing.
2 good things have happened.

1. 'G's headstone is finally up. We will go and see it on Sunday.
2. DP has signed up to a sponsored charity bike ride, in memory of 'G'. He's been very excited about it since making the decision, and is really motivated to do the training, so I'm excited for him too. I did a half marathon in Oct (from zero running - killing time before I could TTC again, and losing baby weight, in one step. And also in aid of 'G'). I am a great believer in fresh air and exercise to heal the mind. More the fresh air than the exercise, mind you, haven't really done any running since.

town it was a relief to see the baby, but i still refuse to allow myself to think beyond a day-to-day basis. I hope 'G's headstone is exactly how you want it and that you love it. And i love the bike ride plan, i have to agree with you regarding the fresh air, when things are too much i sometimes find a long walk on my own gives me time to clear my head and organise my thoughts xx

Thanks kayleigh.
I'm on the TWW now. Messing with my head already. Am going to try and hold out to 24th Jan before poas. Patience is not one of my virtues.

There's a 3 cm large cyst on my left tube. They think it's harmless but I'm terrified. Does anyone have experience with this? Was looking forward to some good old ttc this month but it's not looking good now ??

anna sending you hugs, any time a lump or bump is discovered it's human nature to worry but please do be reassured by what they've told you, the vast vast majority of cysts are harmless. Mine was a slightly different situation to you, but many years ago, pre dc or even ttc, I had a cyst that burst. It was total agony when it did and it was the first I knew of it. I was told at the time that many many women will have them and never know it as depending on their size and position they cause no issues at all. I had an ultrasound to check for any damage but all was fine, no follow up needed and I had my dd a few years later. Its frustrating to have to hold off ttc but at least they now know about it now and can advise on whether to treat it or leave it if it's not causing a blockage or any issues. Big hugs xxx

Fingers crossed town x

Anna a friend had this not long ago and was actually pg at the time, they just kept an eye on it and it shrunk, although I don't know much about it. Fingers crossed that yours shrinks too x

Have been a bit exhausted recently, ds has been poorly for some time. Saw a different consultant eventually after seeing sooo many gps/drs/nurses/consultants and it turns out he has a milk allergy and was having reactions whenever he eat including a massive rash, crying whenever he was awake and pooing blood

Have now finally has some prescription formula and is almost back to his normal happy self already

I kept taking him backwards and forwards thinking if was a milk allergy but everyone said no, then the last straw came when he did a pure blood poo and had a rash on his face that he scratched and had blood on his face. I was in tears and sped to the hospital with him, but on the way there was a massive rainbow in the sky even though it hadn't been raining

anna sorry to hear you've got concerns now regarding the cyst. I hope the doctors let you know what course of action they'll be taking asap so you know when you are able to ttc.

ducky i'm so, so pleased your ds is feeling better . My cousin's baby had a milk allergy and a tongue tie and it was a horrendous ordeal for either condition to be diagnosed.

anna that does sound scary. Sorry I've got no experience of that, but cake and ducky sound like they know what they're talking about. Did they give you a followup appointment - I really hope its soon as it must be agonising waiting for an answer.

ducky, so pleased to hear they've diagnosed milk allergy and your ds is getting back to normal. Time for you to get some sleep this weekend, I hope. Rainbows are good signs

I'm enjoying some and chilling after a madly hectic week at work. Sadly still have a few bits to finish off tomorrow morning, after my brain gave up at 6 tonight. I'm going through one of those TWW moments where I start thinking 'shit, I don't really want to be pg', because I've got so much coming up in the next couple of months. I think it's just a defense mechanism though - its nice to have my mind full of work rather than worrying about TTC.

Kayleigh glad the scan went well

Anna sorry to hear you have more to worry about, hope it's something that either needs nothing doing or that can be easily fixed.

Town I feel just the same I cope so much better with the 2ww when I'm busy. Sadly my 2ww starts next week and I'm only working 2 shifts then I have a week off again so going to have to try and stay busy so I don't get all obsessed with it.

I'm trying to lose weight, I'm almost back down to my prepregnancy weight but want to lose a lot more. Seem to have picked up a really bad biscuit snacking habit since losing E! It doesn't help that DH is really slim and eats crap constantly so crisps, biscuits and ice cream are always around. I used to be good by thinking of them as his food so I wouldn't touch that hopefully I'll get back to thinking like that soon!!

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend

Hi everyone,

It's a sunny but ice cold day outside here today.

Thanks so much for sharing your expertise on this cyst business.

I've had all my scans now, just waiting for the last lab report. My Ob/Gyn doctor very kindly called me yesterday as soon as she'd had a look at my scans (this is the doctor who was with us at the hospital when our baby died). She said that the cyst looks harmless, and she said there really isn't anything she'd recommend doing other than watch/wait. She also said she does not think we need to wait to ttc. Will let you know what the last of the labs says next week, cross fingers they are normal. I'm on anti-inflammatory meds and the pain has subsided. CD8.

In a way I'm glad it took this long for my health to be evaluated. My husband and I spoke last night about ttc again and we're both in a very different place now compared to how we felt just a few months ago. I can't believe it's been nearly 5 months since our beautiful boy died. In the beginning I was possessed by the idea of being pregnant again. But now I understand that all I wanted was to still be pregnant with our son. If we are lucky enough to get pregnant again, at least now there won't be as much emotional confusion.

Betty, I've read back your posts and whoa!!! The doctor really suggested you'd be ok to go to work? That is positively insane. Here in the states, mental healthcare is such a joke. I got six weeks granted short term disability when our son was stillborn at 40 weeks in August. When I felt I couldn't go back after six weeks I had statements written by my Ob/Gyn doctor, my general practitioner, our hospital social worker and my therapist - all saying I wouldn't be fit for work and my appeal still got denied. What's even worse about the whole thing is that if you appeal and get denial, you loose insurance coverage for the time asked for in the appeal. I'm sure all American insurance providers work differently but that was such a slap in the face for us. I lost my insurance for 6 weeks right in the middle of the hardest time of our lives. Luckily my employer has been very graceful to me and I've been allowed to take the time I needed anyway. What I can't understand in your case is that you were told by a health care provider you'd be ok to go back to work! It really does show how little understanding there is out there for our kind of loss. Thinking of you and sending love.

Town, crossing fingers for you!

Ducky, what a relief! Hope you get some well deserved rest now :)

Xa

anna just wanted to say i'm glad things are looking positive for you regarding the cyst- it must be a relief for you. Also good news from your doctor about ttc. I can relate to what you said about the being pregnant side. In hindsight i'm actually glad it didn't happen sooner for me. Naturally i'll still have worries and wobbles with this pregnancy, but i feel better equipped to deal with it now if that makes sense. xx

Hello again. Giantmama here - my twin boys died in August after TTTS and chorionamnionitis. I joined you in November but I've been gone quite a while so here's an attempt to explain!

First of all, I went back to work and in only a couple of weeks, it became just as consuming as ever - not my ideal scenario for going back, in fact it was very difficult and I was in crisis about work twice before the holidays could not come soon enough. I failed to keep up here and felt sad I couldn't. Then I caught up on all your stories over my Xmas break - felt it all, thought of you but didn't post as I only had my silly phone away with me (I've since worked out how to use the app a bit better but it still sucks!). Then right after Xmas I found out I was pregnant again so I didn't want to parachute in with that after so long. And now I've had a miscarriage, this week.

I will spend some time getting back up to speed with you all from a couple of weeks ago. I just wanted to make an effort to say hello because you were so kind when I first stopped by. Even though I haven't been posting I was engaged with this thread again and now I feel like I could stay on board with you if you'll have me.

Sending hugs and

giant a sad but warm welcome back, I'm so very sorry for your loss, it's so bloody cruel especially after all you've been through. I hope the mc hasn't caused too much physical pain and that you're getting all the support you need in rl.

anna great that your doctor called to reassure you, wishing you lots of ttc luck.

town keeping everything crossed for you x

daisy so pleased you've got to the bottom of things and hope your ds is flourishing again now x

Afm, feel like I'm in a total pit of miserableness - my dh has only just got over a month of illness, now dd has a horrible virus and I think I'm getting it too. Add to that it should've been W's due date on Monday and I'm just feeling totally despondent. A good friend is also booked in to be induced on Monday and my emotions are all over the place - of course I want everything to be fine for her but I feel so guilty as I just think that should've been me. We have a consultants appointment on 28th and until that happens I feel in a total limbo, unable to make any sort of ttc decision and just wrapped up in my own gloom. I've been trying to write things down in a journal, I'm not sure if it helps yet but will keep going as I've only started it this month. I've got so many lovely friends but I'm so sick of being the one that's always in need of support, the one who I'm sure must just add a layer of gloom to their day. I feel like I'm doing that here too. Sorry ladies, I just had to offload - again.

Glad things are looking ok Anna

Giant, sorry about your mc it seems so unfair that after going through such an awful traumatic thing, this can still happen x

Cake sorry you are feeling down. I will be thinking of you and sending lots of love for Monday x

I'm terrified of dd's birthday coming up don't know how I will cope
I had two friends on fb who's dc were due around the same time as dd, they post pictures and things all the time, the other day the one posted one of their dc walking for the first time and I had this horrible feeling. I am massively greatful to have ds and I love him so much but I still feel utter heartbreak when they update... Saying that I will go and hide their updates now I think.

Thanks everyone, I'm so happy I have you to talk to. Nobody else can really understand.

Giant, my heart hurts for you. It's so bloody awful that these things happen. Sad to see you back but a warm welcome all the same.

Cake, I couldn't have said it better myself. Your words describe exactly how I feel. We have our consultation Friday in two weeks time (two days after yours). I feel confused about ttc too.

Ducky, I've actually gone so far as unsubscribing the feed from some really close friends on fb as they're posting pictures of their babies that were born at around the time our son died all the time. I've also told some of them to go easy on the baby talk, which they have respected. Sometimes I don't know if it's just prolonging the inevitable though, all those babies and women are still there, only difference is I don't see and/or her them.

Waves and love to everyone

giant welcome back. I'm so very sorry about your miscarriage i'm sending you

cake sorry you're feeling down right now, i too will be thinking of you on Monday.

ducky i've hidden a few peoples facebook posts who have dc's around the same age as Ben would have been. Like you it's the "milestones" that get to me.

anna what a worry. Glad the investigations are going well.

ducky, reading back, I can't believe your LO was sick for all that time. Poor thing. Hope things get better now.

betty I share your pain. Hoping I don't need help to complete this MC, though - it seems to have come away by itself. The physical agony of a week ago has all gone. I was just over seven weeks and hadn't yet had my early scan so I think if I was at the stage you were at I'd be finding it harder to take IYSWIM. Hugs for you.

cake I'm so sorry you and DH are struggling but it's all still so fresh for you. I look back and think of how I was in October/ November - really not myself at all. It does take a while, you will get some sense of yourself back and you can be happy again, the brighter spells get longer and closer together.

My OB for the twins came by EPAS to see me - she had asked them to page her once they'd scanned me. By then it was pretty obvious where it was going. But it was nice of her to come and see us. By coincidence, we also had an appointment with our neonatal psychologist the morning I had to call up EPAS for an emergency scan. (I was so looking forward to telling her I was pregnant). She called me the day after to check up and will call me again this week. I'm having a follow-up scan tomorrow to check I'm clear.

I feel like DH and I need to take a decent break from TTC now. I was in such a panic about my age and I suppose we didn't expect to have any luck right away like that. I feel a bit less pressured now but we've barely had sex that hasn't been fraught with some issue or another since my giant twin bump! I think we might enjoy reclaiming sex for fun. Just for a few months. Now, what's contraception again?

Thanks for the kind words of support. If anything this MC has proved to me that I have one hell of a strong core that seems to have come back and installed itself quietly after a long absence. So very glad to know it's there. Huge hugs and love to you all

Hello ladies,

On phone so apologies in advance if I miss anyone. I may cluster post to make sure I don't!

Cake I am so sorry about the pit of misery. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. It is good that you have the appointment coming up, I think a forward plan will really help. It won't stop you grieving for W, he will always be missing, but it could help out a patch on your broken heart. Don't worry about needing support - what you are dealing with is worse than what most people ever have to deal with - the death of a child is such an extreme and intense experience. We are always here for you too. Journaling sounds good, even if it's painful. Gentle exercise and creativity also help me when I'm sad but it is also ok to just hibernate and experience the sadness. Sadness is a normal and natural reaction based on your love for your little chap.

Anna I am so sorry you have had the worry about the cyst and also to hear about your short term disability insurance issues. I'm in the U.S. too and had 8 weeks off because of my c section. It's totally rubbish. I could have had longer but wouldn't have gotten paid - those first weeks back were really rough. Although like you I had an understanding employer, who did at least let me work from home a couple of days a week. How are you doing now? I found 5 months out hard because it is still very raw and you're still reeling, but it can seem like lot of people have gone back to normal and expect you to be normal too.

Kayleigh hope all is ok with you and that your pregnancy is going ok.

Giant welcome back but I am so so sorry to hear about your mc. On top of losing your little twins, that is just awful and I'm devastated for you. I hope you have lots of support and that you can take it easier at work for a bit while you recuperate a little from the shock and what your body has been through, not to mention your poor heart.

Ducky I think hiding people from FB is a good idea. I've done that to a lot of people, I love them but it is hard to see their little people. I love the story about the rainbow although I am so sorry you've had so much stress with your little man - will be thinking of you with your daughters birthday coming up.

Town hope you are managing to 2ww ok. Fingers crossed for you.

Betty I am thinking of you and sending love, you lovely lady.

Lake it's hard to lose weight! Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You have been through so much. Chocolate is better than Valium I try to remember! I hope that you're doing ok, ttc is so stressful after your loss and I just think you're doing brilliantly.

Today was J's first birthday. I went to church with MrC in the morning and lit him a candle in front of the Mary shrine and cried and cried. I'm at a big family event and earlier today there was a one year old, my friend's son, toddling around. He came tottering over to me and grabbed my legs for support.. I nearly lost it. But now I feel a little calmer. I'm so sad that my little guy isn't here smashing cake but I survived a whole year with my marriage and sanity intact, and this time last year I was cuddling him. And I'm so so grateful I had those few hours with him, it's more than so many people are granted.

Good morning Critter, and happy birthday to J for yesterday. I will be thinking of you and him today. And well done for getting through a year with marriage and sanity intact(!) - it's no small achievement.

Ginatmama, sorry to hear about your recent miscarriage too, it really sucks. think that has actually been harder than losing O - all the grief that I had repressed in order to get on with things has come back, and I'm finding it hard to get out of bed or function properly. Cake, I am there with you in the pit of despair, hoping that we can both climb out soon. Anna, sorry that you have extra worries with your cyst. Yes, maternity entitlement after a loss is appalling in the US - I don't know how you guys manage to go back to work so soon. I am working today, but only have to do one day facing students and another three working from home, so its manageable. Still wish I could just give up and stay in bed for a few weeks though.

Sorry for the moan, I'm having a terrible time trying to come to terms with this recent miscarriage. After O died I was focussed on trying to 'solve' the situation by getting pregnant and having another baby. I'd come to terms with the fact that there was going to be a 3.5 year gap between my children rather than a 2.2 year one. Then it all went wrong again and it really hit me that there are somethings that can't be put right by a bit of willpower and effort. I don't know why I'm so obsessed by having a small gap, I know that I am lucky just to have one living child, but its making me so miserable that DD1 won't have a sibling close to her in age.

Critter, happy birthday to j for yesterday, sending you lots of love x

Betty, it's understandable how you are feeling, you must be devastated, I hope you are getting lots of support in RL x

I'm sorry I feel like all I do is moan! Ds has had a massive improvement on his new milk but when we got up this morning he started coughing after his feed quite a bit and sounded wheezy. He also slept for 7 hours last night! That sounds like it should be a good thing but worried me this morning due to the cough. I feel like I'm constantly on edge waiting for the next thing to go wrong he sounded a bit wheezy after coughing so am just waiting for a call from the dr. He is only coughing occasionally now and has just fell asleep. The gps must think I'm insane, when they talk to me now they do sound like they think I'm just overreacting even though they missed his allergy last time. Maybe I am overreacting but I keep thinking if I pushed a bit more for what I thought should have been done with dd, maybe I wouldn't have lost her

Thanks everyone for your kind words, it really is great to have you here, although I'm sorry you are too x

As for Facebook, I've come off it completely, I feel a lot better now. Too many babies, too many pregnancy announcements and generally getting driven mad by pointless updates was adding to my rubbish mood. I see everyone and hear from those that matter, I'm surprised how little I miss it.

ducky as my wonderful gp once said to me, never apologise for being concerned for your baby, I would rather see you than not. And that was before I'd even experienced any sort of loss so it's totally understandable you feel anxious. I hope your gp reassures you xxx

betty I've got crampons and rope, we'lol climb out of this pit somehow x I totally understand the age gap thing, I so wanted a 3 year gap and now that's out the window, and yet I feel ridiculous for even caring and should just be grateful for dd surely, but it's still there in my head. Whatever happens it'll be at least a 4 year gap now.

critter happy birthday to J, I'm glad you got to spend some time with your dh and have a good cry, it's good to get it out isn't it even though it's so sad xx I'm desperate to get back to running but until I can shift this cold that will have to wait. I'm a total fresh air fan so being stuck at home with dd being poorly last week and now me has definitely not helped my mood.

giant here's to lots of fun, no pressure fun sex for you frankly we all deserve a bit of fun don't we so I think that's a great idea. We still haven't dtd since W passed away, i think we've just been too wrapped up in our grief but I hope that side of things comes back soon as I miss the closeness.

anna it will be really interesting to compare notes on our consultants meetings, I'll update you after 28th x

kayleigh hope you're feeling well and all is very uneventful

So W's due date is finally here, the sun is shining and it's a beautiful cold day. I spent the morning with friends who have been fantastic and gave me hugs and flowers and we just had a quiet walk with our dcs. I had a cry when I woke up today but otherwise feel quite calm. It's so surreal to think how things could've been, that W could've been coming home if he'd made it out of intensive care. But I know it's pointless to think like that, he didn't and we have to try and find a way to live without him now.

Do you mind if I ask, am I the oldest here? I'll be 39 this summer and that plays heavily on my mind in any ttc thoughts. Until we see the consulatant I shouldn't really think about it, but I know time is against me but having had an emcs I'm sure they would want us to wait too.

Sorry that was so long! Love to all x

Cake, xxxx glad you are feeling calm, sending you lots of love. X

Well, ds was improving on his new milk but then woke up today and started coughing loads, he then has slept pretty much all day and I've had to wake him for feeds. Took him to gp who said he has his first cold don't know why he's sleeping so much tho

critter sending you for J's birthday. I have to say i too am thankful for the hours we got with Ben- as you said not everyone gets that. I hope the next few days are gentle for you.

betty i can understand your feelings about the age gap between children, although personally i think there are good things about a bigger age gap. Jessie was 7 when Ben was born and while her age meant she understood more about what had happened, it also meant she knew just when i needed a hug from her.

ducky sorry to hear you've had an extra concern with ds being poorly with his cold. My dc's tend to sleep a bit more when they're ill, it's usually an indication for me that Jessie is coming down with something (she's usually a constant ball of energy so when she sleeps more i just know), so your ds is possibly sleeping more to fight the cold off.

cake sending you on W's due date, i'm glad you've had a nice calm day, and i hope the next few days are gentle also.

AFM thank you to the ladies asking after me. I'm doing ok, just constantly shattered at the moment, and can't seem to get enough rest, which is concerning me. Have any of you felt like that at all? I've got my booking in appointment with the midwives next Tuesday so i'll mention it to them.

Love to all xx

Cake I was thinking of you and W today. Glad the sun shone for you. The pit will get smaller with time, honestly it will. The journal is a great idea. And your time will come to be there for your friends in return, and you will be all the better friend for having been through this and understanding what's needed.
Anna 4-5 months seemed to be the magic time when my desire to be pregnant became less intense, exactly the same as you I felt almost possessed at first, but in hindsight I just wanted my bump back – to rewind the clock and have my little girl delivered safely. My 9 month wait was enforced, but it certainly helped me be in a better place as a result.
Critter Glad you feel calmer after 'J's first birthday. Its a big milestone, isn't it. Hope you're feeling ok, and the bean is incubating well.
Giant welcome back, I think I joined just as you left. Sorry its such tough times for you, sending you a big virtual hug. You sure sound like one tough lady though. Definitely sounds like you need a break from TTC - time for a nice child-unfriendly holiday, maybe?
Ducky hang in there, hope your ds gets better soon.
Betty we can dream about our perfect families, can't we, and then real life gets in the way. It's definitely good to have a moan every now and again. Since 'G' died I've tried hard not to imagine what my family will look like in the future. I may only be able to have 1 kid, maybe none, or maybe pop out 2 or 3 with no issues. Or have a disabled child, like 'G' would likely have been if she'd survived. Life can take you in strange directions, can't it.
Kayleigh I remember 1st trimester tiredness being like nothing else. And with 2 kids to look after, you must be exhausted. Can you delegate more to DH?

Cake I'm a relative youngster, at 34, but I'm sure there are a few others here at 38. Strange to have my first baby at a respectable 33, and now I'm looking at being the magic doom and gloom age of 35 before I have my first 'take home and keep' baby. But...at least you know you've been able to get pregnant at least twice before, so you are definitely fertile, and I guess you've seen the graphs that show it's not all bad after 35.... the Daily Mail has a lot to answer for.
A few months longer to be properly ready (and make sure DH is ready) will not matter, I'm sure.

I can't believe how cruel the US maternity system is! Anna and Critter, are you from the US, or Brits living abroad?

AFM, we went to the cemetery on Sunday to see 'G's headstone for the first time. It's just how we wanted it, and actually seeing her name and dates there do help me connect with her more while I'm there. Next time we go will be the 1st anniversary of the day she died, and I'm already planning a nice flower arrangement and photo to take for her.
5 more sleeps before I'm allowed to poas!