Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

Kayleigh, congratulations - that is excellent news!

To everyone, thinking of you this Christmas and hoping you are ok.

Xxa

Thank you to all you ladies. I'm glad i have you lovelies to talk to as we've (DH and I) that we're only telling people we absolutely have to at this stage as i want to see the consultant first before we even think about telling others. In all honesty there are people who i'm not planning on telling for as long as i can get away with it.

xx

kayleigh wonderful news, a quiet woop from me to you x

madem thinking of your friends, how is their LO doing?

Afm, having a very dark day today. Just on the verge of tears all the time, I even went back to bed for a bit as I just couldn't face being cheerful for dd today and left dh to take over. I feel like nothing good will ever happen again, just hopeless really. I think I spent so much time focusing on getting through Christmas that now we are through it all I have to think about is my forthcoming due date next month as well as waiting on news from two close friends who are about to have their babies. I can't even face them, or even be in touch with them at the moment, I feel like a terrible terrible friend. And a crap mum, surely I should just be able to enjoy dd and make this a fun time for her. Sorry for all the me me me, just a particularly tough day.

Hoping everyone else is doing okay xxxx

Just quickly popping in and wanted to give you a big virtual hug cake - I am so sorry you're having a tough day. Good things will eventually happen again. Your loss is so recent! You certainly aren't expected to be a jolly, cheerful mum to your dd right now. You are also a grieving mother and you are just doing what you can. Deep breaths, one day at a time, tomorrow might be better. The festive period is a tough one, everyone is expected to be so merry and jolly and surrounded by loving family... But the reality is that a lot of us are grieving and struggling on a daily basis...
My friends' little boy has woken up and they will get results from follow up mri tomorrow. All the signs are incredibly positive and promising so we keep praying.
Amidst all our pain and the disappointment of the mc, I remember that our friends lost their little girl who was just under two. No matter how bad we (dh and I) have it, we still have our dd and I try to take comfort from that...
Hugs everyone x

Madem virtual hug gratefully received xxx so pleased to hear about your friends ds too x

cake i'm sending hugs your way. You don't sound like a crap friend or mu at all, what you're feeling is 100% understandable.

madem i'm so pleased things look positive for your friend's little boy.

AFM we've told some of our family members now, and everyone's really happy for us. I'll be ringing my doctors surgery in the morning to see how quickly i can get an appointment for a referral to my consultant, just hoping it's not going to take an age

Love and hugs to all xx

Cake sorry you've been having a rough time. I think Christmas is a tough time when you are grieving. People seem to expect you to put your grief aside and be jolly which can take it's toll. I hope today is a more positive day for you.

Kayleigh I'm glad you've told some of your family, hopefully they won't keep you waiting long for an appointment. I was prewarned by my consultant at the PM that although she will expect my midwife to refer me early An appointment would be around 16-20 weeks. (Not that I need to worry about it yet!!)

AFM I worked most of Christmas and it was really busy. Managed to go down to E's grave and make sure it was tidy and looking nice. Finally got around to ordering her headstone last week. Just need to phone up and pay the deposit then they'll work on the layout. Our cemetery seem to have strange rules compared to others and we can't actually lay the headstone for 9 months after she was buried. I just wanted to order it so we knew what the final cost would be so we could get saving!! At least I have 5 months to spread out the payments. I have the week off work this week, I kept my holiday to extend my maternity leave so I am entitled to all of my holiday (7weeks)!! I have a week at the end of each month and two weeks in feb and March!!
I've been feeling really unwell over the last few days too many bugs going around at work so keeping my fingers crossed that I don't get sick on my week off.

Hope Christmas was kind to you all

Lake i've got an appointment with my gp tomorrow morning at 10, so i'm really pleased about that. My consultant said at our blood results meeting in June that he'd want to see me ASAP once i was pregnant again, so hopefully once my gp has done the referral i won't be waiting too long. I know what you mean about the laying of headstones- we have to wait at least a year at the church where Ben is (Ben's actually buried under where the headstone will go so i'm assuming this is the reason). We've seen one we like, but i need to speak to the vicar first to make sure it'll be ok to have it. Hope you feel better soon xx

kayleigh I hope the gp appointment went well and you don't have to wait too long for your referral.

I won't be staying up to see in the new year as I'm just shattered. Had a return trip to the gp yesterday as I started bleeding heavily, they aren't sure why but think possibly hormonal issues. It's 10 weeks since I had W though and I'm not that confident in the GP I saw so plan to see my own gp next week as I trust her and may request a referral as dealing with the physical issues is really not helping on top of grieving. So until all this is resolved I can't even think about ttc again, but all I know is I'm increasingly desperate to try. Haven't even spoken to dh about what he thinks yet - did anyone meet with resistance from their dh/oh's in terms of ttc again? I think my dh is worried about what might happen to me physically if things were to go wrong again as the placental abruption really terrified him in terms of what it could've meant for my health.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but wanted to wish you all happiness for 2015 and hope so much you all get your rainbows xx

Sorry I hVe been AWOL for a while!

Hope your gp can help cake

Am on my phone so am going to try and read back over the thread

Hope everyone has a 'good' New Years (sounds silly doesn't it )

X

Oh cake, how worrying. I'm so sorry you have to go through this on top of everything else. I hope the bleeding eases off and doesn't make you too tired. Let's hope you can see a better gp very soon, it's so important to be seen by someone you trust!

I'm so pleased this year is almost over...

Big hugs everyone x

Cake I am so sorry you're struggling, I remember that desperate, urgent feeling of needing to be pregnant again all too well - and I'm sorry you're bleeding. Could you have retained some placenta? I don't think GPs are necessarily the best to deal with these sort of issues - do you have a nice consultant you could get in touch with? On timing trying again - I think you had W naturally, so the advice is usually 3 months post partum? That would be in 2 weeks time so not long at all. What does your consultant say - did he or she have a recommendation? That might help ease your DH's fears a little, to have a professional advise you both on when to try. Are you taking a prenatal vitamin? My consultant was v big on that, not just to prepare for the next pregnancy but to help replenish some of the vitamins and minerals you lose postpartum.

madem that is terrible about your friends' daughter. Poor poor things. How are you doing? I think of you a lot and so hope that 2015 will be a happier year for you, you deserve happiness so much.

lake so sorry you've been feeling ill. I'm glad you got to visit E's grave but working over Christmas sounds full on. How are you managing? I still think of your DH kissing her photo every night and it makes me well up.

ducky hope you had a peaceful Christmas with your little man. Sending love.

AFM all ok, just had 12 week scan which was fine, a very wriggly baby and nuchal fold measurement was normal. So relieved, I couldn't sleep last night from nerves and fear. Lots of love to everyone - hoping this will be a better year for us all.

Argh kayleigh was also going to say so nice that your family are so pleased for you. How are you feeling physically? Your head must be all over the place, it's a terrifying time - early pregnancy post loss is not easy at all.

little tulip thinking of you - you must have your 12 week scan around now too. Praying all goes well.

Hi everyone,

Sorry it's been a while - my parents are visiting and we have a full schedule to try to distract our thoughts as best we can.

We gave our son a special day on the 23rd, we moved his ashes to a pretty urn and got some beautiful flowers to sit with him. My dad made him a tiny gingerbread house and we each had a quiet moment by the urn. I still can't believe we lost him, it's such a surreal thing.

It's now been almost exactly four months since we lost our little boy. I do have a few good days here and there but the pain when it hits is just as deep. I've also developed some maybe related health issues which isn't helping. My doctor thinks something may be up with my thyroid so I'm going to get that checked in the new year. I'm also having problems with my stomach, feels like hardcore IBS and I truly hope that is what is wrong and nothing worse.

On a good note, my fertility monitor FINALLY detected a peak/ovulation yesterday. I was so relieved! I had given up because I was already on CD17 but then I thought what the heck just one more test and there it was! Cross fingers all the other things that the doctors want to check up on can get fixed so that we can get going in Jan!

Kayleigh how are you feeling? I'm so very much hoping to be joining you soon. But scared too.

Cake, my husband was very ambivalent about trying again the first few months after our boy died. He came around after a while and now we've agreed to try again in the new year. I think his greatest fear (aside from loosing another child himself) was the possibility of me having to go through another loss. My placenta ruptured as well and we have talked about that. There are no guarantees I guess, but we have hope. I'm absolutely certain I want to try again, just as long as I can get healthy first. My doctor is worried about my bone density and that needs to be evaluated before we can try again. I have an appointment first week of January and I'm crossing fingers, toes, legs and arms that it will be something fixable. I'm taking vitamins and I'm working hard on getting back into shape/ getting back to my pre pregnancy weight. These little things I'm doing all feel good - as in doing something actively to prepare myself for another pregnancy.

A gentle happy new year with focus on new. I for one can't wait to see the end of this one. Sending love to everyone.

Xxa

Praying that 2015 will bring BFPs to all those TTC, good health to all the rainbow babies and their parents, uneventful pregnancies for our rainbow-mums-to-be and strength to the just-arrived on the thread.

Thank you to you all for helping to get me through 2014

Love to all xx

Cake, sounds very similar to me re: bleeding heavily. Did you have normal bleeding after giving birth? I only ask as 10 weeks after I also had very very heavy bleeding. It was so bad I couldnt stand up for long as it was literally pouring out of me with big clots. Google says anything bigger than 50p coin to go dr's but my doc wasnt at all bothered. (They were a good inch long and thick, and loads of them. ) She wouldnt even see me, just spoke to me on the phone and told me if its bright red its fine she told me to ring back monday if still the same (that was friday morning?!)

I was so scared I was bleeding to death. By monday morning, it was starting to ease up thankfully. I never had anything like that with dd1. With dd1 I had bleeding after birth for 8 weeks, but with dd2, I only bled after delivery for an hour. So I came to my own conclusion that the bleed at 10 weeks was what should have come out earlier.

I was so worried after having dd3 that the same bleed would happen. Luckily it didnt happen again. I bled normally after the birth.
Hope your bleeding has eased or stopped by now.

I hope 2015 brings everyone some much needed joy and happiness.

Hoping New Year was gentle for all you ladies.

cake i really hope your usual gp helps. I wasn't met by any resistance for dh to ttc, however other people did like to try to tell us we should wait a while (not really their decision to make though)

critter glad your scan went well, and i hope you got some sleep last night. Physically i'm ok regarding the new pregnancy, although i know it'll be a worrying time.

anna what you did on the 23rd sounds lovely, what a beautiful way to remember your son. Sorry to hear that some suspected health issues have arisen- i hope you manage to get them sorted quickly.

AFM the appointment with the gp on Tuesday didn't go well. He didn't listen to me when i told him that my consultant had said he'd want to see me sooner rather than later -his response was "well book in with the midwives and they'll decide if and when you're referred". I wasn't happy in the slightest so i rang my consultant's secretary yesterday and explained. She was lovely and a lot more helpful. The gp thinks i'm about 5 weeks, so i have to ring my hospital's Early Pregnancy Unit in 9 days and they'll sort out booking me in for a scan. It's amazing how much better i felt after speaking to the secretary.

Love to all xx

Thank you all so much x the bleeding has eased off now, just a bit of brown end of period type stuff. critter unfortunately I ended up with an emergency c section so I think I'll be advised to wait longer to ttc, although as I'll be 39 this summer and wouldn't want to vbac I'm hoping I might get the ok to ttc sooner than the usual year wait they advise after a section. But I guess that's all depending on if I get a clean bill of health and dh does want to ttc too of course. I don't have a friendly consultant except in neonatal who we are due to see for a review next Friday, but my GP is really good and I will ask her to push for a referral as I'm well overdue to see obstetrics anyway. Really glad to hear your scan went well x

anna the 23rd sounds like a very special day for you all x I'm sorry to hear you have done health issues to contend with too x

tahunny thanks for telling me about your experience, it's good to know I'm not the only one! I had some bleeding after birth but not a lot. I've not passed any clots just blood and as its eased now I'm a bit less panicky. I don't have much to compare it to as with dd who I had by emcs too I bled for about 3 weeks then had no period for 14 months due to breast feeding loads. This time until this latest incident I've had 2 periods and seem to be back to my normal 29 day cycle which is bizarre I think, my body is going bonkers I think!

kayleigh glad the secretary helped, how irritating about your gp x

Cake my very experienced consultant recommended 6 months for a wait. He said that the year recommendation is for child spacing. Unless you had a classical (vertical incision) in which case I think it's 9 months at least.

Oh and in the end he cleared me to do a cycle (IVF) after four and a half months. I think it's worth getting a referral to a maternal foetal medicine specialist if you can. It might not happen straight away and they would want to take your age into account, I'd think.

Kayleigh GPs can be hard work. My still birth counsellor did tell me that I don't have to see community midwives next time if I don't want to, had two bad experiences one with a sweep and one two days after losing E when one of the senior midwives in my team came to see me and told me about her loss and started crying!!

The counsellor said when under consultant care especially after a loss everything can be combined so you can see midwives when you see the consultant at the hospital. Maybe something to consider.

Cake glad to hear the bleeding has tailed off, hopefully you'll get your referral soon.

Anna the 23rd sounds like it was a special and beautiful day

AFM work has been OK I was really scared about dealing with other peoples losses but it's been OK, harder than before but I've coped well I think. I'm slightly nervous as the girls I went off on mat leave with will all be returning in the first few months of the year.

The further away from E's birth I get the more questions we now get about TTC, it's like people forget we have no control over it! I have to keep reminding myself that E would have been 4 months on Xmas day if she'd have been here I wouldn't have tried to have 2 babies in just over a year, each month we don't conceive I think obviously my body needs a bit longer. I hope I have a baby in my arms by this time next year though!!

I'm feeling better now I have had this whole week off work still have a slight cold that doesn't want to shift.

Thank you critter I will ask my gp about a referral when I see her on Tuesday. Very much hope there is such a specialist at our hospital so I can get a referral x

Thanks for that critter i'm not too concerned about the community midwives in my area as they're mostly lovely, i was just pissed off at the way the gp didn't seem to take my consultants wishes on board xx

Hello everyone, sorry I've been AWOL over the Christmas break – I managed to read all your news on my phone but replying on that little keyboard was just a step too far for me. Back at home on the laptop now.
Plus I was wiped out with a really nasty coldy/fluey thing which I've nearly got rid of now. Felt terrible for a good 10 days though. Typical it happened over Christmas, but at least I had a reason to be quiet and go to bed early (not that I could sleep with all the coughing/lack of breathing) rather than party. Definitely not in the mood for that.

Kayleigh, congratulations!! I'm so excited for you. And glad that you've got a supportive consultants secretary, even if your GP is rubbish. That's the right way round to have it, your GP won't get a look in from now on.

Cake, glad to hear the bleeding has eased off. On TTC, there were a couple of times when I didn't have the same view as my DP. When we saw the consultant we were advised to wait 9 months (I had a vertical emcs), and although DP is desperate to have children, he didn't want to go any earlier than recommended. I have swung from wanting to try straightaway, to wanting to delay TTC up to a year, and back again. All over the place! In hindsight, the desire I felt in the first few months after G was born, was really a desire to be pregnant rather than to start TTC – I should have still been pregnant and I felt wrong without a bump. Give yourself an open mind until after 'W's due date at least. Is your DH planning on going to your consultant appointment with you?

Critter good to hear you've got a lovely normal wriggly baby at 12 weeks.

Anna I hope you feel better soon, and get the reassurance you need to start TTC, so you can join me and a few others for some shagging and poas action in 2015 (that sounds more dodgy than I meant it to, but what the hell).

Lake I can't believe people are asking you about TTC already! I'm sure this time next year we'll both have babies in our arms. Maybe January will be our month. Good that you've got lots of holiday time too.
I don't think 9 months is unusual for getting a headstone up. Our stone masons have just been rubbish at telling us when G's headstone will be ready. I'm sure they said 8 weeks when we first ordered it, but it's been about 6 months now. Apparently it's carved and ready, just not in place. Grrrr.

AFM, Christmas break was fine, apart from the horrible cold. I had to work all the non-holidays, but that was a useful distraction to be honest. We met my new niece (DP's brother's little girl), she is very cute and I gave her a couple of long cuddles. Squished any jealous thoughts! It was actually harder seeing SIL, 2 weeks after giving birth, than the baby, as I could remember feeling physically what she was going through (she had a cs too) but my experience was so different to where she is now. And part of me still can't imagine having a live baby I can take home, but I really can imagine/remember what it felt like 2 weeks after birth.
5th Jan will be my new year/fresh and healthy start, as I'm having my girlfriends round tomorrow for our late Christmas party. Can't wait!
x

Cake, sorry I didn't reply to your question! I didn't have a c section and dd was very small so I recovered quickly. I wanted to TTC straight away and my husband didn't really say much about it, I think he was just thinking of me/my mental state at the time and went with what ever I wanted. There were no concerns over my physical wellbeing due to the birth so it's probably different circumstances :-/

How are you feeling now?

Waves and hugs to everyone! So sorry I haven't name checked! Am very sleep deprived (and also on the app ) wouldn't change it for the world though

X