Rainbow Babies - hoping and trying for rainbows, loving and remembering our Angels xxx

[Ellypoo]

Hoping this thread brings us all luck and hope xxx

Hello all. whatever Glued to the Olympics too, and loving the catch-up facility on the BBC website. Went to the rowing today, which was fab, and now desperately trying to grab any (cheap) tickets which are being released on a day-by-day basis. Also waiting to hear about a transfer to the Olympic village, to a new team, as my rowing team were very self-sufficient, and didn't need any help... the travel will be a pain, but desperately want to be involved.

I hope those big anniversaries passed gently - elly, fan and blizy. So unbelievable and shocking with each new one - well, that's what I have found.

august I haven't said congratulations on the arrival of little Adam yet!! So happy for you, and it's lovely to hear your news in these precious first few weeks.

kleine I am so sorry, I don't think I have properly welcomed you here yet. May you find a BFP very soon... I lost my beautiful Mia last October totally unexpectedly at the age of 13 months, and now I am 21 weeks pg with her little sibling. It is a challenging journey - but one, happily, that others here can show us all the way!

green hope the Olympics has helped take off the pressure off you with your mum this weekend. It's so hard and hurtful when someone who you want to be close to you isn't really there...

mecha you are brave, and very generous in enjoying the little babies of your friends. Hope you feel proud of this huge step.

blue enjoy Belgium and cuddles with your new nephew!!

Hi all! Hello Elly so sorry we have to meet.. thank you for the welcome. We have a 'similar' story in some ways, our little E was also oxygen deprived and died after two days. Strange to be so grateful for the time together yet so so desperately sad.

Blue congrats on 24 weeks! Have a lovely time with family x

Also thinking of all those who have anniversaries to deal with at the moment.

The tally of pregnant friends is now up to five Was ok though, I guessed and asked... feeling quite ambivalent about it at the moment - it's E I want, not anyone else's baby...
And yet I am definitely not ambivalent, just so thrilled for all of you on here who are pg!! Hello Miasmummy and thank you. I am so, so sorry about Mia. And I hope that this new little one arrives in spectacularly boring fashion. We are not yet ttc again (seven weeks tomorrow since E died, and I am not healed yet), but will be asap. It may be a long journey for us, but yes you are right, it's so helpful that others can guide us along it. Already, my response to hearing about a pg friend is - post on MN!

Lots of love to all.

August I normally have minx on my toenails done professionally but as I couldn t get in to see my manicurist??? I found Sainsburys do some of their own .. They re ok if u re shoes are too small or tight ad they tend to come off then!!! However, at £6 a pop not bad...
Blue enjoy your nephew & holiday xxx 24 weeks ; excellant... Cx
Fan & Blizy know totally where you re coming from in 10 weeks time our Georgie should have been 2 ... Time is going too quickly ...
Miasmummy don t work too hard ; volunteering xxx
Hi all; had a busy but good weekend Ant's micro light flight cancelled again today , which was very handy as enabled us to tidy our shit tip of a house & pack for Paris ... Nightmare with all Phebs stuff!!!! Pampering was fab yesterday & I feel a little bit glamorous again now!!! Not looking foreward to fat club tomorrow though ad my scales showing I ve pig a couple of pounds on!!! Think the 4 lb loss last week was a total fluke , however I m still on target ( wanted 1.5 stones off by Euro-Disney & currently at 25 lbs off) so wr ll see!!!!
Wish I had all week off , bit bored with work at the moment!!! Anyhow ; back to 50 shades!!! Anyone else read it??? Xxxxx

Quiet on here today. How is everyone?

I'm having a sad time of it this morning... And, as well, I'm so worried that we might never have another little one. I know there isn't an answer to that. All we'll be able to do is hope and pray and do everything we can to get pregnant and have a healthy baby at the end of it; most of it is completely out of our hands.
But I do know something already about all the waiting and wondering, I recognise so much of it from when we were ttc before. So, I am of course also worried about coping with ttc plus grief. Although DH and I both recognise that it would be much harder NOT to try and then worry about wasting precious time, so we will make sure that we always try to find ways to minimise the stress.
Argh. As if it's not hard enough losing your child... life is so bloody complicated now

Hi everyone. Well we have our house back, my mum went home this morning. I'm a bit exhausted. There was also the comedy element of this being ov week, so trying to sneakily SWI! I'm a bit ambivalent about this month; the due date would be April I think, which is Merryns birthday month. Hmmm. I guess I just can't bring myself to miss a month of trying, and if it did happen this month then I think I could cope with it as much as I'm coping with anything.

POPPET, sorry you are having a tough time. It's a bit unpredictable isn't it? I know what you mean about ttc... It's hard enough anyway, but after what we've been through... I can't make myself believe it will ever happen even when I guess odds are it should, but it just seems so distant from my current reality. Have you anything to focus on today? Do you enjoy the Olympics?

MIA'S, have they linked you in with another team? I'm very impressed with your energy!

We are off on holiday properly on Thursday. DP and I are 'running away' for August to a friends house in Italy, camping through Europe on the way. Im not sure to the wisdom of this, but Merryn is with me there as much as anywhere. We made a promise when she died that we would live fully and well, and give the boys a good summer to remember the year Merryn was ours for a little while, so that's what we are doing. I'd so much rather be at home with her though. God I miss her.

poppet it is hard ttc'ing when also greiving, but like you we decided it was harder not too. Just do what you feel is right, this time last year I started a few little projects to keep me busy while still off on mat leave. I crocheted a blanket (that the squares had been sitting doing nothing for 2 years so sewed them together) I started a rag rug (still not finished) I also made two blankets for my BFF, and I also watched many crap/good films to pass the time. I remember the first time I had preoperly laughed was when I watched horrible bosses.

green we also made that promise to each other to live a full life, another reason why we are going to Inverness for DH to run the marathon there in September (end of). We decided that life is too short to do nothing, so if we want to do something we try and do it. Also having something to aim for helps.

I am too feeling abit down today, August was the month we conceived Fi, and well I never thought about it much before the past few weeks. It will be 2 years ago, so I have been trying for 3 and half years. Its so depressing, I so hope I fall pg soon.

Thank you both for the empathy. Bless you.
green I am so hugely impressed by your determination to give your DSs a wonderful summer. Obviously it's not what you would have wanted to be doing this summer, but I so hope you all manage to enjoy yourselves as much as is possible. (Despite all the camping - very brave!! )
fan I so so SO hope for you that your baby is just waiting round the next corner for you. You really have been through it - as if losing Ophelia wasn't terrible enough, to have two mcs as well... Many people would no longer be standing, but you are. Lots of love xxx

thank you poppet. I wish the same for all you girls still ttc'ing or gearing up to, we all so deserve some happiness.

Fan take heed we ttc for 4 years in total , like you with a mc,MMC & our gorgeous Georgie (+2 cps) & we finally got there 4 long years after I came off the pill!!! So u can & will it just feels so long & empty now... However, I k sure , at some point you re have your rainbow baby & some of the pain & hurt will fade ( not Fi but the MCs etc...) + I m way older than u!!! ( I think) I m 41 now , started ttc when I was 36/37!!! Take care honey xxx
Green enjoy your time away I too promised myself I 'd be more spontaneous & live life to the full as we ve all been taught life's for the living & we re only here once... Enjoy your holiday with Merryn with you in spirit xxx
Hope everyone else is ok? So hard isn t it? I was cuddling Phebs tonight telling her how every minute of worry, scans, injections etc... ( MCs) had all been worth it to have her when I started to fill up thinking I should have my 2 girls ... Our Georgie bossing Phebs around, running round & being a protective elder sister instead of having to talk to a photo of her... It's so very hard... Georgie ( as all our angels) deserve to be here ... it's not fair xxxx
Hope we keep going & continue to find ways through the grief xxxx

Poppet nothing to add other than it really stinks & we understand xxxxx

Well, this evenings been a bit of a downer. I think I was holding it all in while my mum was here, and now I've got the space to 'feel' again. I really still don't quite believe how badly wrong things went, I still do the 'what if' thing all the time. I think because from twenty weeks pregnant we knew about Merryns tumour and then I had such a battle to get her into GOSH, it doesn't feel real that I failed. I fought so bloody hard to keep her alive when she was in me. It's so unfair, she did so well, she should be here. All our little ones should be here.

FAN, sorry it's tough right now. Ttc is just crap. I am beginning to realise what an awful roller coaster we are stuck on every month, but I have no choice it seems, my heart needs to do this. I hope it works for you soon. X

POPPET... How did the rest of your day go?

ANGEL... Hmmm, yes I talk to photos too, I worry sometimes that my memories have become the photos... But i guess we are lucky to have pictures of our little girls? It's very hard to think about what they would be doing, so bittersweet. I have to not let my daydreams go to far, it hurts too much. I saw another blond curly daredevil of a three year old at the beach yesterday, and as she ran past I let myself think of Merryn, and I almost choked on how much it hurt. As you say, it's very hard.

Every single bloody thing I've booked for this holiday has asked me how many kids I have, if there are any infants. I've cried every time. My friend who had a baby girl two days before Merryn has put the babies photo on her Facebook profile. I still can't talk to her. That's just crap, I need to do it, but I can't, I'm so so angry.

Well that wasn't a very positive post was it?! Sorry! I'll be brighter in the morning!

Green- it is beyond unfair! Remember Merryn will be with you everywhere you go. I hope today is easier for you all.

I'm waiting in the mindees coming then I'm off out to the safari park with them, I can feel a long day starting....

I have the dr tomorrow and I can feel the nerves building.

Hope you all have a good day. X

Good morning and I hope everyone is well today, thinking of wtw especially. Also hi to green, angel and fan, we were all pretty down in different ways yesterday... sending you positive thoughts for this new day.
green I still can't really believe it, either. Also can't do the 'what-if's'. Am deliberately spending much of this week alone, to do a bit more processing of it all, which feels important although is obviously terribly sad. I know alone-time isn't such an easy option for you though. And you did NOT fail. As if, given the option, you wouldn't have walked on fire to save Merryn. It was out of your control.
I know you know that - in the same way I know I couldn't control what my placenta did, but then still sometimes struggle with it - but it's important to remember it when you can. xx

blizy X post will be thinking of you for tomorrow. It's a big step I know but a brave and important one too - even if just for your peace of mind while that Bfp is awaiting you next month! I SO hope it is. Enjoy your day x

green never apologise for being down, we are all in the same situation pretty much and if you can't be honest with us then who can you be with. Hugs to you.

poppet I hope the solitude can help you out this week.

blizy will be thinking of you tomorrow, is this for more tests or for a discussion?

I took the afternoon off yesterday, now personel want to speak to me. My supervisor wasn't in so I sent an email to personel to say I was going home and just left, naughty really but I just can't talk to these people at work they have no clue and I'm fed up with their false concern. So I might have to put up with more later from personel. I need to snap out of this, I'm going to really try today, I need to keep positive especially for this week, being ov week.

angel thank you.

Hi all, sorry some of you have been finding things tough. It's such a hard hard time.

Fan I hope work don't give you too much grief xx

Good luck at doctors tomorrow Blizy

Just 2 weeks left to go and I'm finding myself feeling increasingly more anxious. I have the butterfly feeling of nervousness constantly in my tummy at the moment like something is going to go wrong any minute. I've had a scan this morning but I feel oddly un-reassured by it even though they said everything looks fine. Her movements seem to have changed - less hard kicks and more rolls and pushes. They said it's because she's running out of room and has settled with her head down and limbs inwards. I should feel reassured but I just don't. Is this normal for the last bit??

WTW, YES it's normal my love! Both of my boys did this, and they were huge and healthy and fine! This is a good thing, your baby is planning her arrival! She might have butterflies too, a big day is just around the corner for her, she gets to see and hug her mummy! This is all normal, it's all going exactly as it should. Not long now, you've been so brave, just let the time pass.... I bet August didn't believe it until she had Adam wriggling in her arms, but there he is! Try to distract yourself as much as possible if you can, or you'll be worn out just when you need energy for those night feeds! You are fine, you will be fine. Xxxx

wtw sorry I can't give you any reasurrance. Hopefully angel or cheese will be along soon. Remember angels mantra today I am pregnant. Your nearly there, I know this must be really hard for you. Have you got lots of things to distract u today?

X posts green.

Today is a little better than the afternoon of misery that was yesterday... I can't believe it still hits me so hard. I guess it always will. Thanks for the kind words, and I hope the others feeling grotty are having an easier day today?

My oldest DS was in tears last night, really thinking about Merryn, and that he wouldn't be her brother. I explained to him that he always would, but he doesn't take this sort of comfort, and was very direct in saying she was dead and gone, and what good was that, he wanted her here! I love how kids can just say it. He started talking about her, and ended talking about Harry potter and Lego. I love him. I hate that his sister will never have him, he'd have been amazing with her. I'm so proud of how my boys are doing.

wtw I only have one experience of pregnancy but sounds just the same! My little E was completely fine and normal until just before she was born at 42 weeks - and I do remember the change of movements late in the pregnancy - it was more like she was pushing out than constantly kicking, and I would watch my belly rolling from side to side when she moved an arm or a leg.
As the others have said, I do hope you somehow find things to keep your mind a little bit occupied. I can't imagine... but yes you are nearly nearly there! xxx

Lots of love to you green and glad you are doing a little better today. Me too. In fact I am even contemplating dyeing my hair (the white bits are starting to show again...!). xxx

POPPET... Know what you mean about the white bits! I had mine cut the other day, which was well over due. Tonight I plan to do my eyebrows and paint my toenails, I might feel a little more human if I look a little more like me! I think I've aged about ten years in the last two! Glad you are having an easier day.

I'm clearing out my cupboard, and found my pregnancy diary from my oldest DS. I can't believe how innocent I was. Everything is so possitive and excited and, well, young! I remember how much effort i put into his room and making things for him, with no thought to any possible problems. I just am not the same person anymore. I read something when I studied that said every child gets a different mother. I think thats so true. I hope if I'm lucky enough to have another I can find some joy to bring to the pregnancy like I did with DS1 and 2, and the 'different' mother they get is still able to be possitive and optimistic about life. I try to be this way for my boys, but it's largely an act for now, Merryns pregnancy was full of unmitigated terror from 19 weeks. I couldn't do that again. They asked when they found the lump whether we would want to end the pregnancy, I don't think I made the right decision for her, but we had to try.

green have you read Empty Cradle, Broken Heart? It's excellent... would really recommend it if you haven't. What you said about making the choice for Merryn reminded me of it; it has chapters on all sorts of things (including parenting after losing a child...) but it talks about those of us who had to make a choice - we did too, whether or not to continue ventilation and treatments in the light of E's massive injury - having to make an impossible choice between 'terrible' and 'horrible'. Neither option is what you'd ever, ever choose for your child. Anyway, that's helped me a bit.
Hope the cupboard clearing continues apace and that you have the chance for beautifying yourself later too. My roots are no longer white