Rainbow Babies - hoping and trying for rainbows, loving and remembering our Angels xxx

[Ellypoo]

Hoping this thread brings us all luck and hope xxx

thanks ladies! :)
sipping a cuppa tea and working my way through a box of Belgian chocolate seashells... that should do the trick.
Went into E's room and gave her a big cuddle, I love talking to her when she's asleep, or half asleep and tell her how much I love her, also said sorry again for shouting at her.
Just wish DH could be home already for a cuddle... the day seems to drag on so long when he's at work.

fan love your kitten's names!

Hello everyone! Sorry to be so absent, was busy for a bit and then missed the new thread, but now I have found you and had a bit of a read and catch up.

The SANDS service sounds really lovely, and something we will probably try and get to next year. So I can get organised, what are the stones like? Love that some of you got to meet up, but that must also be quite weird too to suddenly find people and faces at the other end of the mnet names you've been chatting too for so long! Those of you who FB, I'd love to add you, erm, how do you find people??

blue thinking of you today, what a hard day - the 1yr and fathers day all in one. ((hugs))

So pleased to "see" all the growing bumps, I vividly remember how emotionally straining pregnancy was, and how endless it felt. So proud of us all, we are all so brave to be here.

angel it sounds like your little Phebs is a right cutie

We are finally getting towards exchange of contracts for the house move, it seems like solicitors operate veeeery slowly!

Something, possibly the house move, possibly the fact that it is now over 2 years since I fell pg with Bobbie, possibly fathers day, not sure what, but I am really finding it all very tough again
There's not much more to say than that I suppose, over the last 20 months I think I've said nearly all there is to say. I'm just left with the deep long emptiness and heaviness and sadness, and just at the moment I'm finding it's sitting very heavy on me and I feel really rubbish and low. I miss her so much, it's been so long. And yet it shocks me that it will soon be 2 years since she died. That sounds so long ago, how can so much time have passed?? Even the passing of time is getting me down, it feels like it is taking her further and further away from me and I don't want to forget. I don't want to be separated by this huge swathe of time. It pains me too that others are forgetting.

That's quite a depressive waffle - it's not all like that, but this is one of the only places I feel I can share the crappy bits too. So, on the positives:

I feel so so lucky to have my gorgeous little Freya, she is the thing that keeps me going, love love love the cheeky grin and the happy squealing when I chase her across the lounge, the way she trots with her walker sticking her legs out straight either side of her, the little bald head as she still has no hair!, the way she snuggles me all night long, the blissed out look when she falls off the boob fast asleep, the way she gets huffy if I'm too slow refilling her porridge spoon for her. She's worth every second of the anxiety and fear of the pregnancy. She makes me so happy.

I just miss my Bobbie so much, it gnaws away at me.

spilt how lovely to see you again! and glad to hear little Freya is doing so well!

PM me your name and surname and profile pic description and I'll see if I can add you...

oh and I can vouch that Angel's Phebs is a real little cutie!
Big hugs for you! x

OFFS, PIL have just phoned and said to DH "Happy fathers day! Your first one!" Errr, no. Twats. Last year he had been a father for 8 months already, and I was nearly 7 months pg with our SECOND daughter

sorry blue, cross posted in annoyance! Will do x

Lovely to 'see' you spilt I think your post perfectly sums up the agony and ecstasy of being an angel and an earth mummy. It's bloody tough, sometimes feels like you are right back at square one whilst everyone else has skipped merrily ahead. But we do understand. Freya sounds an absolute delight. Glad the house sale is moving along but I know you had reservations about leaving the house that is filled with Bobbie memories, she lives in your hearts though so will be with you wherever you go xx

Once blue has added you on fb find me in her friends list. My initials are LS and my profile pic is Erin's name written in the sand.

Blue hope dh is home soon for a cuddle

Those who have had the GD test - had mine Wednesday - do you think they would have called by now if there was a problem??

spilt hugs to you, I feel a year is too long, two years seams impossible. And some people have no clue, why would they need to say that at all even!
You can pm me your name aswell and I will see if I can find you.

Thanks Blue sorry it's been such a hard day... The year s seem so full of anniversaries now & not always nice ones. U too have a really cute daughter... Glad u ve had lots of cuddles. Love to u all & Sterre... Xxx
Fan your kittens sound cute... So exciting xxx
Spilt hi... Know exactly where you re coming from. Today, as Phebs is full of cold shes been quite whingy & unsettled . I love her totally & utterly but I have found myself thinking " do u know how lucky you are to be here?" & " Georgie never got this/ these chances" then I feel guilty as its not Pheb's fault I just seem to be going round in circles ,mentally. I look at my friend's little girl whose 2 months younger than Georgie & it hurts.... I think this weekend , the service, has bought all these feelings to a head , some of the rawness is back.
It's so hard ...to separate the 2 of my girls & my emotions yet on the other hand they shouldn t be seperated!!!!!
Love to u Freya & Bobbie. Like u I can t believe in Oct it ll be 2 years since we lost Georgie. 2 years doesn t seem right???!!!
Whatever home stretch ... You re nearly there remember:1 day at a time... You ve done more time than you ve got left!!!( sounds like a prison sentence!!) xxxx
Love to all; had to nip Phebs up to the walk in centre just was sounding a bit raspy but her chest clear ; no chest infection at the moment so we ll see. Setting off to work & nursery tomorrow ... Mmm... See how long we re there!!! Xxxx

spilt I would have been angry as well! Why don't people understand?
I was cuddled up with DH in bed this morning, he had his hand on my belly and little one was kicking away... and he could feel it... I was so happy and so sad at the same time! As last year DH never was able to feel Sterre...
I told him this morning, you're a daddy of three now :) how I longed for 2 little girls to give him cuddles in bed this morning

Angel hope little Phebs feels better soon! x

Oh Spilt. It is so hard. I wrote a Father's Day card for DH when I was distracted - I was trying to get Maia to hold the pen while I wrote and she kept letting go - and it wasn't until he'd opened it and gave me a funny look that I realised I hadn't put Thea on it. Then I wanted to add her name on and I felt like the worst mummy in the world.

Oh, and if anyone is tempted to read The Red House by Mark Haddon, be warned, there is a stillborn baby in it. I've just started it (why?) and it is making me cry a lot. Maybe I should stop. It's not just the baby, it is dysfunctional families in general. I want Maia to grow up in a perfect family where nothing bad will ever happen...

wtw found you, just sent you a request, am DR. Gorgeous sand pic, the colours are stunning. DH said how pretty it is too.

angel argh yes I have done that too... the frustration at Freya not appreciating how great it is that she's alive! It must be really hard to have a friend's baby so close in age to Georgie, a constant "this is what she would be like now"

Thanks for listening all.

wtw I didn't have the GTT but my hospital are crap and giving you results unless you ask so I would always say phone and make sure you've got them!

Forgot to say I had a blood test a couple of weeks ago and they found my thyroid (underactive) was v.unhappy and quite undermedicated so have quadrupled my thyroxine dose. Whoop!! It's been like a caffiene trip, bags of energy for a few days, fab, got loads done

Accepted split this is the website to get names written in the sand. I love it - we printed it on to canvas and is proudly in our living room.

We've also got a pictures of Sterre's name in the sand and also have it on canvas! And one of E from last year when she was bridesmaid at my sister's wedding, so have both DD's up on the wall..

blue has pm'd me some of your RL names so if someone with the initials DR and a pic of a baby trying to eat broccoli tries to add you... it's spilt
Might take me a while, am rubbish at fb!
And I think Freya is waking. Night all, take care and sleep well. Ha! If you aren't being kicked by a baby either in utero or in bed next to you.

U too Spilt xxx
Too I also forgot to add Georgie's name on his fathers's day card & too feel crap ...

I didn't do anything for Dh to mark fathers day ( he didn't want to). I am feeling very guilty about it.

Angel- hope pheobe is ok? I am feeling the same way, very emotional today. Don't think it has helped that I had a bust up with my dad earlier.

Blue- hope you are having some snuggles with your Dh.

Spilt- got you on fb. Glad Freya is doing well.

Fan- how are you today?

Sorry I cant reply to everyone, I'm on my phone and have forgot loads!

So tired Phebs cough, splutter,cough last night .... Roll on 4:30!!!!
Blizy hope u sort it out with your dad... I still feel like my head is going to explode just trying , slowly, to work through stuff again.i m getting to the point where talking about it all hurts too much & thinking it over again hurts too much.thr whole period of loosing Georgie has again become too painful where as before it was manageable...
Might refer myself back to my counsellor if I don t feel better soon ...
Really don t want to go to work today , however, day off tomorrow yeh!!! Xxc

Hi everyone
Couldn't face posting yesterday - didn't know what to do for DH for Fathers Day, it's difficult because his family don't 'do' fathers day, and he's finding it so hard at the moment. His family are really rubbish and barely acknowledge Constance anymore (although they have at least got a photo up of her in the lounge), they are very much the type of people to move on and get over things, but this isn't like that at all - we can't & won't forget her ever.
We saw some of his friends with their little ones, and it just makes us so sad - he should have had his DD there with him too.

I'm sorry that we all seem so low at the moment, it's just so hard. I know exactly what you mean spilt about time passing and it feels like you are getting further and further away - it's 6 months since we lost Constance already. It feels like it's getting harder too for us both.

I think counselling is a good idea angel, I'm seriously contemplating going to the docs to get referred, just need to pluck up the courage...

Am that you are all friends on fb - can I join in too?

Elly xxx I have had counselling after loosing Georgie via work & it helped a lot. Go see your gp it's well worth it & if it doesn t help you won t have lost anything from attending.your poor DH... Mine does my head in as doesn t talk about Georgie sometimes I feel like he wants to move on & not acknowledge her. He says it's his way of coping. Men!!! Xxx
Well, I ve had to come home ... Been in tears at work feel so fragile & delicate again. Think next year I ll arrange some AL the week after SANDS service as opposed to the week before. Off tomorrow seeing a mate off out for lunch so hopefully I ll feel a bit stronger by then.its all so raw again going to try & sleep as don t think the lack of sleep helps.
Hope we all find a way through as a lot of us seem to be very delicate & tender at the moment.... Love to all xxxxxx

Of course you can join in on FB Elly PM your name and surname and description of your profile pic and I'll see if I can find you

Oh angel, I just want to wrap you up in a big hug and make it all ok... but no one can Cuddle your little Phoebs close and have a good cry, its cathartic to let it out.

Elly course you can join in! Once blue has added you I'll nab you from her friend list. I know what you mean about trying to navigate your way through these new things like fathers day when you are an angel parent. No one prepares you for this and you just have to muddle through and try and do what feels right by you, DH and Constance. If thats to make each other cards from her then do it, or if it's to just leave it be and do nothing then fine. Do what you need to xx

I think eventually what feels like it should be loads of time since loosing our children passes, and slowly it dawns that this is it now. It won't get much better, like you thought it might, you just get quite good at pretending and putting on a face. Trudge trudge trudge. It is bloody wearing though and sometimes just too much and the mask slips.

Gorgeous sunshine here today, hope my strawbs will ripen enough for pudding tonight

Wrote a big long post and don't know where it's gone! Will try again later. Hope everyone Is ok x

Big hugs angel and elly it's so hard. Glad you've got the day off tomorrow Angel. Elly once you're friends with blue on Fb you can find me in her friends. Initials LS

With cards - at Christmas I went and bought an ink stamp which prints a little shooting star and some pink ink. I stamp that in cards now where I want Erin acknowledged. I find it easier than signing her name as for some reason that feels a bit strange but the stamp means she is always included. So in dp's fathers card Katie wrote it and we stamped the shooting star at the bottom. I sometimes write 'Love, like starlight, never dies' next to it depending on the card. It works for us and I will do it again this Christmas.

Midwife rang to say GTT all fine so one less thing to worry about, phew! Scan again tomorrow

Thanks Whatever xxx glad u re GTT is ok. Good luck for your scan xxx
Thanks Spilt xxxx feel a little better now. Slept & read as sick of thinking. Phebs trying to crawl tonight. She's helping put a smile back on my face oh & lost 2 lb tonight , very shocked at that!!!! That's 18 lb in total!!!! Next stop: 1.5 stone !! Xx

Angel, after I posted on here last night I cried a lot and then got DH's Father's Day card, added Thea to it and went and showed him. It just felt better.

Spilt, I accepted your FB request - couldn't think who it was at first, then twigged it must be one of you lot! Freya is so cute. I must upload some pics of Maia.

Wtw, yay for good GTT - hope for good scan tomorrow!