Mourning our angel babies but still hoping for the future: let the swi commence!

[TooImmature2BMum]

This is a thread for those of us on the bereaved mother's thread who want a place to moan about the perils of ttc without upsetting anyone over there. We've gone through at least one pregnancy, and we know what it is to hold a baby whose eyes will never open, or to have lost a baby after a few days, weeks or years. We know the fear, but we're going to go ahead and do it anyway. And then do it again, especially in the middle of the month!

Newcomers will be welcomed with all the hand-holding and wisdom we can summon up - and that's a lot! Come in and join us: the door is always open.

mel i too would be putting a complaint into work, they have treated you appaliningly!

razz im sorry i don't know the answer, is it maybe worth posting the question on the conception board?

too my cycles were dead on every 28 days before i had Zoe. But they have been between 28 and 34 days after giving birth. I am sure i Ovulated on day 14. I have my fingers crossed but not hoping to much, i hate the arrival of AF!

Quick post from phone, razz anything over 30 shows ovulation has happened (some drs say over 40) so looks like you have. Supposed to have them done 3 months in a row apparently. I have pcos and used the clearblue fertility monitor as it says it's suitable and conceived the first month of using. I have long cycles so got lots of highs and no peak but definitely ovulated!

Will catch up properly soon!

mel I would put in a complaint too, what if this happens to another person who works there. If you complain then they may change their way of doing things.
I hope things start moving for you, I hope the scan isnt too difficult for you. Does that mean medication to get things moving?

Cheers girls, my DH came home from work and cheered me up took me out to look for stuff for our flat, so that we could price it all up. He just told me too that the week I ovulate is his week off from work! so lots of swi! I just think I was down because of the cp but also its mid AF and I always get so fed up with it all. Wish I had smaller/shorter AF's.

We are off to a chilli festival tomorrow, my DH loves hot food! They do this amazing chilli and lime chocolate aswell which I cant wait for. I hope the weather holds out!

Green, a chilli festival sounds amazing! FX for good weather. It has been absolutely chucking it down here so hope it's nowhere near. Shopping always cheers me up, even if you didn't buy anything because you were just pricing things today.

Not feeling great here emotionally - not having the constant longing to conceive again distracting me seems to have opened up a huge floodgate and I feel so sad. I just keep thinking about how unfair it is that Thea isn't here and feeling guilty for having another baby so soon because it means I'm not giving her my full attention. I find myself thinking of the new baby much less - I think I'm scared to get too attached to it in case something goes wrong. I've been trying to talk to them both but neither of them is tangible and so it doesn't help. I have two babies but I can't touch either of them and it breaks my heart, because I will never touch Thea again and I don't know what will happen with baby no 2 - for all I know I will never get as far as being able to hold it. Did anyone else feel like this? Did it pass?

Too I totally felt like you all be it initially. I talk to Georgies photos tell her GILS is not a replacement for her but her sister and I hope she doesn't mind us carrying on, it doesn t mean we love her any less etc... Etc....
It's VERY hard a subsequent pregnancy after a late loss but as I ve found all I can do is take 1 day at a time. I m still not particularly attached to GILS I don t think about her that much as a form of protection for myself. I never think of a take home baby and probably won't until October 17th ( date of section) . You will figure out a way to get through don t beat yourself up mentally.
Take care xxxx

Oh Angel, it doesn't sound like it does get any easier! It sounds so sad to still never think of getting to take the baby home even in the last trimester, but I do get what you mean about it being a form of protection. Thank you for being so honest and making me feel less alone.

Too no probs. Any excuse to talk about my darling Georgie and her sister ('GILS) . Hugs to you xxxx

Hi Cheese, thank you for the info. I also have pcos and normally have a 35 day cycle, last months progesterone on cd21 was

Hi people, how is everyone today?

Mel, hope everything goes ok tomorrow- thinking of you.

mel hope everything is ok today, thinking of you xx

Thanks girls, I'm a bit nervous about today but I think that that's because our midwife is on holiday and we don't know who we're going to be speaking to after the scan. We'll know what's what in an hour then! Also took a pg test this morning and it came back positive so obviously still have high hormone levels which must be why my body hasn't dealt with this on it's own. I'll update you all later x

mel I am thinking about you today, hope you get a nice, understanding midwife. let us know how you get on x

mel thinking of you today xx

Thinking of you Mel, hope it goes ok.

Off to London today for another scan will try and get on later, quite nervous. Sorry for not being on so much, been so knackered and kids keeping me busy. Posting from phone again now. Always thinking of you all and keeping my fingers crossed xx

Too I agree a lot with angel about the subsequent pregnancy feelings. There's a little bit of hope mixed up with a lot of feelings of fear, of loss and grief and of guilt. I do think in the abstract about a take home baby, but more in the sense that I believe we will get one one day, but not confident yet that it will be this time if that makes sense. I keep buying baby stuff in a slightly compulsive "bargaining with my credit card" sort of way. Like I believe that the more stuff I have the more she's got to be ok . Your comment about having 2 babies and not being able to hold either rings so true, I've thought that so many times. It's like a very long drawn out limbo type process. I can't plan or think ahead until this pregnancy is complete and I know what the outcome is. It feels like a hell of a long time waiting. But now as I get very close to the end the fear is getting worse because I know the moment of truth isn't far off now and soon I have to face one reality or other and I don't know which one it will be.
I'm scared about what giving birth will be like emotionally too and whether there will be flashbacks and things and whether I will have something of a collapse afterwards.

mel thoughts are with you today. I hope you're well looked after.

cheese lots of luck for today x

After a somewhat rocky start at the hospital (25 min unnecessary delay) we got our scan which showed the sac had grown but there is def no baby
I'm going in on thurs for the evac surgery and we've been told that we can start trying again as soon as we feel emotionally ready. There is no period of time we need to wait for after the surgery which surprised me. We'll just get over this next hurdle first I think though. Thanks for all your support x

Oh Mel. Bloody hospital keeping you waiting! I think they leave their empathy at the door sometimes (sorry Angel - not you!).

Spilt, have you got any support in place for after the birth? My counsellor suggested that I try the Post Natal Depression Project, which is apparently run by the Church of Scotland and counsels women with PND. She thought they might be able to help me with the post natal emotions, even though it is not precisely PND. I don't know if there's anything similar near you, but it might be an idea to get something lined up, even if you eventually decide not to go. I can imagine that I will feel incredibly guilty for loving the new baby so much, and it might help to have someone impartial to talk to. I'm worried about flashbacks after the birth too...in fact, I'm worried about everything, including the first scan and having to look at the screen. That's what convinced me that Thea was really gone - they did a scan and I could see her spine with nothing moving. I had to go for a kidney and liver scan afterwards and just having a scan was horrible, even though it was for something completely different.

Bargaining with your credit card sounds like me too! I bought some maternity clothes in the sale and then panicked.

mel I am so sorry to hear that, i hope the operation goes well for you on thursday and you can start to look forward, it's just not fair x

mel I'm so sorry. That confirmation scan must have been so crushing. I hope Thursday goes as well as it can and that they don't mess you around at all. Big hug x

too that's a good idea about tracking down some possible support for afterwards. I had just vaguely thought I would ask the MW/health visitor postnatally about support but good to know there are some charities etc who might be worth a try too.

grmbl just typed a whole post and it disappeared!

back from holiday! it was a wonderfully relaxing week! no need for a pregnancy test, as my AF appeared, which is ok. It means my body is working properly again and the swi can begin! My DH is definitely up for it as well! Although it might be difficult this month, as I will probably be away from DH while I'm ovulating. Silly parents asking me to go on holiday with them and my DD

too congrats!!!!!!!!!
Mel andg green thinking of you!
spilt not long now! :)

Mel sorry take care (()). Hope Thursday is as painless and quick as possible. I personally , found the surgical option preferrable to medical management.
Too no offense taken!! There's good and bad staff everywhere unfortunately I too, like Spilt could envisage some degree of PND after GILS is here as for the last year I ve felt as if I m holding my breath. We ce not bought a thing for GILS and the only thing we will buy is her first teddy as we did for Georgie. We still have a full wardrobe of beatiful clothes we were bought for Georgie that my mum wants to wash in a few weeks. My mum is buying GILS her coming home outfit but I feel either too scared or lack of interest in buying as we did this time last year which unfortunately, unfair, on GILS.
Just ordered a lovely keepsake box for Georgie's stuff as I ' d seen recommended oh here. Feel then, at least I m spending done money on Georgie.
blue hope u had a relaxing holiday? At least u know where u re at now with your AF?
Cheese hope your scan was good?
Too hope u re ok? 1 day at a time xx
Split how many weeks are u now? Are you having a section ?
Hope you other pg ladies are ok?
Had a lovely chilled day AL is wonderful. Thank god, short week this week off to London on Friday, if there's any of it left????
Love to all xxx

Just wanted to say that I am so sorry mel. Hope all goes smoothly and as well as it can on thursday.

angel I'm 38+2 now, so absolute max of 3w5days to go. Birth plan hasn't been affected by my first loss as it was 2nd trimester and not related to labour/birth/any 3rd tri complications. So the plan is birth unit at the hospital, hopefully sneeze out the baby in the pool in record time and she will yell straight away. Tbh as long as she yells straight away I'll take whatever, but that is the optimistic plan!

Glad you've had a nice day off. How much longer have you got at work now? I hope the keepsake box is as beautiful and special as you hope x

Welcome back blue

Angel, it is so hard. How far along are you now? I think all of us would benefit from a lot of support when we finally achieve a baby (FX, touches wood!). I wonder if Sands does anything?

Hi Blue, thanks!

Spilt, wow, 38+2! Hope you get the water birth you want. I always thought it sounded a great option.

I am waiting for my appt with St John's now - MW referred me on Thurs and said if I hadn't had a letter by Wed then she would chase them up. I think I have an initial appt with the consultant there to discuss my care and birth plan, and hopefully arrange an early scan.

Good luck with your appt too xx
Indeed think we ( as in me and Ant will go 1 way or the other!! Either be so relieved we re totally chilled or virtually cracking up!!!!)
Spilt wow 38 weeks fabulous I m
Now 27 weeks 4 days . Got 9 weeks left at work then I m planned for my section at 37 weeks 3 days ( Oct 17th) my late nan s bday. October was always going to be hard it's the month Ant s dad died and Georgies birthday is 10 th October. I pushed for my section dead on 37 weeks but my consultant wasn t backing down so compromised on 37.5 weeks!!!
Hope you have the birth you want I didn t mind another vaginal delivery but I m not prepared to take any risks with waiting, induction etc.... And there's no way in the world I d have a sweep again ( as we think
That contributed to Georgie' s death). Hence the section and it's come to light with the last 2 HVS s have been group B strep + so defiantly no way now. Also having IV antibiotics prior to section although protocol denote s I don t really need them but I am!!!
Love to all xxx