Mourning our angel babies but still hoping for the future: let the swi commence!

[TooImmature2BMum]

This is a thread for those of us on the bereaved mother's thread who want a place to moan about the perils of ttc without upsetting anyone over there. We've gone through at least one pregnancy, and we know what it is to hold a baby whose eyes will never open, or to have lost a baby after a few days, weeks or years. We know the fear, but we're going to go ahead and do it anyway. And then do it again, especially in the middle of the month!

Newcomers will be welcomed with all the hand-holding and wisdom we can summon up - and that's a lot! Come in and join us: the door is always open.

blue I agree dont push yourself, I am still at home and Im glad I didnt go back to work. Im not going back till september. The number of bad days I va had since the funeral have dwindled but are still there and I dont think I could have handled it if I had gone back earlier. But it is your choice of course, you know you best.

tooimm STEP AWAY FROM THE TEST! dont do it, youve got to wait. maybe get your DH to hide them and only give them to you when its over your period by a day.

We spread Ophelias ashes today, it was a beautiful sunny windy day and now she is with the air and the earth. It was what we needed. I though as I watch the ash disappear that maybe as we let go of one baby another was being made in my womb. Wouldnt that be lovely.
tooimm Im hoping it is a sign my dream and I would love to use Iris I will be keeping it in mind.

green hugs to you, it must have been hard today. We still have Zoe's ashes,i can't bear the thought of letting her go yet.

Ohh, don't tell me about getting BFPs so early! You are eroding my willpower! I was originally planning to test next Friday because I'm going to a wedding on Saturday...I don't know if I can wait that long! Why did I get DH to buy those tests? I am going to be calm and adult about it and just wait patiently from now on.

Green, how are you feeling now? I hope you are right and you have a new baby in your womb to complement Ophelia in your family. (Not sure if that makes sense, but I hope you know what I mean!)

tooimm I know what you mean.

Im feeling fine actually, its like Ive completed her story. I told her that I would send her to the air and let her atoms mix with others and make the world beautiful. And thats what we did today. It may sound a bit spiritaul or artsy but Im not religious at all and well its what I said to her beforewe said goodbye,

I so hope this is our month girls. How fab that would be for all of us to be in the same boat and we can hold each others hands along the way.

green it was a lovely day to scatter ashes! Ophelia is now with all of us!
I really hope that there will be a rainbow baby for you soon!

I've decided to do some things back at work next week! I feel I need to. (and we need the money)
The day we found out Sterre had died, was the first day of our youth club that I started up. I obviously didn't go that night, but I feel I need to help my volunteers out. The youth club didn't have the intake we thought it was going to have and I think it has a lot to do with me being absent. As I am the main link to the children in school. So I need to get into school to advertise it.
Then next weekend we will have Sterre's funeral and I can take it easy again the week after as schools will be closed and after that I have 3 weeks of holiday!

Glad you have found some peace Green We still have the twins' ashes - I can't face parting with them yet and we can't decide what we want to do with them. And until we can think of something fitting to do with them I just want to keep them safe.

I have my fingers crossed for everyone that this will be their month.

Keep us posted on your POAS crisis too

blue I hope sterre's funeral goes well and the decision you have made to go back to work is the right one for you. Don't push yourself too hard. :)

thanks I won't about half the time when I mumsnet work I'm lying stretched on the sofa at home, netbook on my lap doing my preparations
That's what I like so much about my job. it is extremely flexible, works very well with family life and it very relaxing most of the time!

Morning all, I'm due back at work in 2 weeks time and am dreading it. Doing phase return but it'll still be hard.
On a more positive note, have just bought some maternity clothes from the next sale which I'm sure I'll need (trying very hard to be positive!)
Hope everyone is feeling ok today x

I think you're all v brave going back to work - I'm dreading talking to my boss to discuss going back. I don't think phased return will be an option. She's not the most understanding of people.

mel I'm sure the clothes are needed Just because things didn't work out last time doesn't mean they won't this time - just make sure they fit the season you'll need them in

blue Am of your job! We would be able to work from home no prob, but my boss hates it when any of us aren't in the office so won't let us actually do it. Although she does it all the time herself. I'm going to have a word with HR and Health & Safety at work to make sure they know that if I ever get pg again I'm going to be demanding their support to make my boss let me work from home 1 or 2 days a week. Otherwise I'll just get so stressed out and tired that I'd be terrified of this happening again.

Dachs why not speak to HR about phased return oh , and Occ health. Mine were very good I phased back over 6 weeks made returning much easier.
Mel take 1 day at a time and think positive , I know that's so much easier said than done!!!
Hi all xxx

Aargh, my medical notes have arrived WITHOUT the information about me being examined on Thurs 10 March or being admitted on Sat 12 March, which are the important parts regarding gross misconduct on the part of the Triage midwives! Grr. They do exist because the consultant read them out to me, so why are they not included in my medical notes? There is also no record of the 4 or 5 phone calls I made to Triage prior to coming in, although again, the consultant referenced them so I know they exist. Clearly, a request under the Data Protection Act means "all information apart from the controversial stuff" to the staff of RIE. Fecking incompetent buffoons.

Have resisted POAS so far - I don't feel pregnant and don't want to see it confirmed.

oh no Too that's really bad!

Determined I love my job! It was the best decision ever to move over from Belgium and take this job!

Took my DD for a trial lesson at the dance school and sat down with the teacher to watch them. Had an awkward moment when she asked 'is she your only one'... I ummed and eventually said no, I had a late miscarriage a few weeks ago. Managed without crying! The teacher apologised and said some nice things.
What do you say when people ask? I find it so difficult! I have 2 children, but only one to cuddle and be proud of what she does! :(

Oh Blue. I have only had to tell one person who didn't already know and I just said that she was stillborn. I have had more awkward moments with curious people who I was determined not to tell, such as one colleague (from a different department, so not someone I had met before). He knew I had just returned from extended leave, and he asked where I had been. I flustered mentally and eventually said actually, it's personal, if you don't mind. He went ah, oh, I just wondered if it was maternity leave, or something and paused expectantly. I was like IT IS PERSONAL, you twat!

I was wallowing a bit earlier but DH has just cheered me up. He went to Tesco to get chocolate and got a flat tyre on his way back. He called asking for a garage phone number, which I gave him. He then calls back very sheepishly and says he has found a spare tyre in the car after all - embarrassing conversation with garage man went something like this:
Man: Do you not have a spare tyre, then?
DH: Actually, I didn't even look. Oh, there is one! A proper tyre with a jack and everything!

Man, clearly thinking DH is a mentally deficient English moron (am in rural Scotland and DH has a very 'posh' English accent): Shall I come out and change the tyre for you?

DH, tail between legs: Yes please.

I howled with laughter because if I had a flat, the first thing I would do would be to go and look in the boot to see if I could find a spare! I might not actually be able to change the tyre myself, but it would be a good start.

tooimm dont know how you can take it sometimes all the fobbing off you keep getting from the hospital. You are a strong lady. I would be on the phone bawling at them all the time, or maybe sitting in their lobby. I might be doing this soon as I still have not had Ophelias post mortem results back yet. Its 12 weeks this wednesday. DH said he shall give them a ring on friday if we havnt haerd from them. Im fed up to be honest surely this should be a priority! Did anyone see that article in the daily mail about the exhibition sands and tommys are putting on at the house of commons? With the 17 pictures of pregnant mothers who lost their babies. They are saying that really all stillbirths and late miscarriages should have an inquiry after to determine if there is a case of misconduct. Apparently other countries have started to do this like New Zealand I think and their stillbirth rate has dropped as a result. Its like nobody in medcine is really interrested in our children they are not being classed as a human being who deserves care and respect. They were 'still born' we got a birth certificate we had a funeral!

Sorry rant over.

cd18 trying not to obsess, but have been feeling very tired today and a bit spaced out. Have also had a headache which is unlike me except if pregnant. I know its far to early but with Ophelia I started to feel like this 3 or 4 days after ov. So fx crossed maybe I am. But we shall have to wait and see. I shall still be writing all my feelings in my little diary so I can compare. 2ww is agonising isnt it.

Oh, I'm not strong. I have decided to let Mum deal with it (she's a solicitor, as is my step-father) for me because it upsets me so much. She is going to call my consultant on Monday and ask what has become of these notes and why they weren't included in the rest of the records. I'm going to give them to a medical negligence colleague of my stepfather's to see if I have a case for either medical negligence or for reporting the midwife in question to the midwifery regulatory body for gross misconduct. That's very interesting about the Sands exhibition - must look it up.

FX for you Green! I don't feel pregnant but perhaps I am just trying to cushion myself from the blow if I'm not.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2014542/The-grief-engulfing-Each-day-Britain-17-babies-stillborn--toll-high.html

this is the article I read in the paper. Dont really like the daily mail but interresting article.

I remember coming home after having Ophelia and getting out the pregnancy book you get given when you go for the first appointment with the midwife thinking there must be something in here for still birth and that little page did nothing. The article is write there should be more information through pregnancy about stillbirth. Count the kicks should be everywhere!

aaarrrggghh mumsnet ate my post!
too maybe the consultant has that part of your notes and they haven't been filed yet? I hope you get your answers and glad you have your Mum to help, it must be exhausting.
blue I have said I lost my little boy in pregnancy and I have a son but he was stillborn if people ask me if I have any children. It's a question I always dread though.
green fx for you, I had symptoms from about 5dpo this time. I will have a read of that article in a bit
I have just been to a 1 year olds birthday party. I knew I would find it hard so I went early and helped my friend with food etc but soon enough the place was full of babies and people talking about babies and it all got too much. My baby should have been there :( There was also a really annoying woman there with a newborn (3rd baby) who was saying that she didnt really plan for a 3rd child, it just happened (making it all sound so bloody easy) grrr i hate those annoying smug people!
Good luck to all in the 2ww, anyone testing soon?

I ve had a lot of people ask me if this is my first child with being pregnant and I always tell them about Georgie and tell them GILS is my 2nd daughter . I feel if they re uncomfortable then that's their problem but I m never prepared to not admit to Georgie.
Hi all xxx

Oh Green, that article is heartbreaking. I hope something comes out of this campaign. I tried to read about Count The Kicks a couple of months ago but it upset me too much. If I am pg again I shall absorb every word they have to say and count religiously!

Ciwi, hugs, that sounds very upsetting. You were very brave to go to something like that.

Angel, I'm not prepared to not admit to Thea either. So far it hasn't come up often due to my hermit tendencies. What I have done is made a point of calling out "Hello Babbit" every time I pass the cemetery, no matter who else is in the car. Some of my friends were a bit shocked on one occasion and Mum got a bit upset but then she took it up herself. I can't pass her without acknowledging her, and I have to pass there every time I drive to work, or to Tesco or almost anywhere.

I haven't tested yet. Too scared of a BFN!

Too totally agree when we drive past the funeral palour we acknowledge Georgie. We still have her ashes at home as originally we were going spread some in a special place we have about 3 miles from
Where we live and some in a nice park near my sisters in the Midlands as that's where we are moving to and where I m from originally. However, we then bought a lovely garden ornament in the shape of a hand holding a baby with the idea to drill in
To that to keep her ashes in their but we ve not done that yet!!! I m quite happy with her ashes in what would have been her bedroom .
Have you decided when/ if to test yet??
Hi all xxx

Morning ladies,
How is everyone today?
I am sipping one of my posh coffee's this morning (got a posh nespresso machine as a wedding present) it tastes lovely but I feel a bit queasy Got my ma and pa over for sunday lunch today so am going to make some chocolate cheesecake cupcakes for desert mmmm. Also heading off to the cemetery with fresh flowers for my little man, then settling on the sofa tonight for the apprentice final - Helen to win I think.
Oh and we found a blackbird nest in our garden yesterday with little chicks in it, its so cute, have to stop myself looking at them all the time in case I frighten them!
What is everyone else up to today? Any more apprentice fans?

Yes ciwi, I too will be watching the apprentice. Def want Helen to win! Think we might head up to the cemetery later too as we were looking through Ruby's memory box and I was quite sad so will pop up for a visit.