Mourning our angel babies but still hoping for the future: let the swi commence!

[TooImmature2BMum]

This is a thread for those of us on the bereaved mother's thread who want a place to moan about the perils of ttc without upsetting anyone over there. We've gone through at least one pregnancy, and we know what it is to hold a baby whose eyes will never open, or to have lost a baby after a few days, weeks or years. We know the fear, but we're going to go ahead and do it anyway. And then do it again, especially in the middle of the month!

Newcomers will be welcomed with all the hand-holding and wisdom we can summon up - and that's a lot! Come in and join us: the door is always open.

Hi girls, hope you are all ok x

Tooimmature Im with you on the c sec, i have read far too many stories about babies dying during birth, umbilical cord accidents and such like. Ignorance was bliss, now we all know far too much!

I will refuse to see the consultant who told us Zoe had died. He had terrible bedside manner, told us so matter of fact that he was looking to see if baby had heart beat, think his words were " you do realise i am checking if baby has a heart beat and is alive". The midwife advised us to put a complaint in against him.

Oh Mel and Jane. I get so angry at the hospital staff that make mistakes and also at the ones who just have a shit bedside manner and make you feel like crap. My consultant is incredibly patronising: "I'm going to test your blood now for something with a long and complicated name" - just freaking tell me, okay, I'm not a retard and it's my body! I need to know what's wrong with it! Not to mention the doctor on-call during labour who shook my foot because I was drifting off between contractions and he was trying to tell me something complicated about my blood tests. It was 4 in the morning, I was about 7 cm dilated, drugged up, exhausted, dehydrated, I hadn't eaten in 24 hours and, oh yes, my baby had died inside me, yet he was cross that I was falling asleep on him! My midwife advised me to go to a different hospital the next time.

There may never be a next time at this rate! DH is having performance anxiety and he says that he just can't stop thinking of the future when he is supposed to be relaxing and baby-making. He thinks of all the worry and anxiety and stress of a new pregnancy, even though he wants a new baby too, and it gets in the way. I am trying to be calm about this because I know that me either bursting into tears or getting angry is not going to help one little bit, but it makes me feel like shit! I am going to make him take vitamins and try to lose a bit of weight and tonight I am going to try getting him drunk (not too drunk, just enough to lower his inhibitions). Any other ideas? I thought counselling but he's not keen on that.

Grr, my consultant has just called to tell me she freaked me out unnecessarily on Tues - she has asked the kidney specialist who told her that there is nothing wrong with my blood tests and everything is fine. So good, but grr! She also said sweetly not to worry if my period came - that the average is 6 months TTC. I don't want to wait 6 months! But I suppose it was quite nice of her to try to reassure me.

Hope all OK. Nothing really to say today, just waiting for AF next Tuesday. Nice to hear average is 6 months, I thought it was a year so that's good news. I'll be 4 down next week so maybe soon. xx

I'm having some bloods taken next week to check for clotting issues, my protein s level was low after the birth and my placenta had massive clots in so I'm now worried that it was that which caused Scarlett to die :( She was really wrapped in her cord though and they suspected it was a cord accident but there were other things mentioned too such as the clots and mabye gestational diabetes.

Feeling really guilty about that now.

Day 37 and still nothing. Kind of hoping I'm not as the blood tests need to be done when I'm not pregnant. So much to take in still.

Are people thinking about c -sections next time? I must admit, the thought had crossed my mind but I'm so scared of operations and feeling numb; like a phobia. I will do whatever I need to if there is a next time though. My consultant said they'd want to go for another vaginal birth but I'm sure I could request otherwise. Scarlett was breech too so I suppose they'd go for a section if that happened again too.

Too your consultant sounds bloody horrible. I feel so lucky that everyone I saw were lovely and bent over backwards for us. My midwife was so nice and so was everyone else. I have a needle phobia too and they were so understanding about that. We've been trying from right away so, 7 months since she died but about 6 or so actual trying. My cycles are more like 5 weeks plus now, it's incredibly frustrating.

jane sorry you had a bad consultant, makes you wonder how they keep their jobs.

Hi everyone,
Not much to say here either. just been to lunch with a friend and her baby boy and it went really well actually. think i might be ok round babies now - hope so becasue it seems like everyone i know is having one - lol.
too how annoying, they don't realise the impact their little 'mistakes' have! at least all is well though and you can get on with ttc without an extra worry. how long were you trying 1st time round? If you concieved quickly then you may well concieve quickly again
horsey fx for you this month x

sorry cheese x posts. I had the clotting tests too but they were negative, i have still been advised to take baby aspirin though. apparently if you are pg they can look positive even if they are not so that might be worth taking into account if you are. Have you been told to take baby aspirin? I would think if you had clots they would put you on it

I've not been told anything about baby asprin. I think the problem was that we discovered Scarlett had died on the 2nd but I gave birth on the 6th so they don't know when the clotting happened I think. My consultant was there when I delivered and she said herself that the cord was wrapped tightly around her neck, body and wrist many times so she does feel that was the cause but there may also have been other problems unrelated to that.

Hoping the tests are negative too. How are you feeling after seeing your friend's baby? I saw a little boy at the weekend who was 9 weeks old being pushed around in his pram and cooed over him, that was the first time on 7 months that I've been able to look at another baby properly. Maybe as it was a little boy helped as Scarlett was a girl. I don't know.

Still no AF, not tested today though; yet...

Too my DH went through a phase of that and I ended up convincing him that yes we wanted to make a baby but that it was more important that we were there for each other and that that was what came first. I told him the baby thing would happen when it was meant to and that it needed to be about us. I think this took the pressure off and bingo!

I felt fine actually, this friend told me she was pregnant not long after we lost our little boy so i have been dreading it for months but it actually was fine. I was worried the baby would remind me of mine and make me think about what we have lost but it didn't, it was just a cute baby (not as cute as mine though)and I think 8 months down the line I have just accepted that our little boy touched all of our lives in a very different way and thats just how things are as sad as it is.
So they think the clots formed after Scarlett died? I suppose it makes sense that they didn't mention aspirin then. I will be on it becasue I had pre eclampsia and there is some evidence to show that baby aspirin helps the blood flow across the placenta. Hope af stays away. I am trying to stay strong and not test early! It's hard though

Thanks Mel, I will try that! FX. I'm not sure if I've ovulated yet this month (maybe long cycles are a blessing in disguise!) so perhaps I still have time to calm DH down and get my BFP!

Ciwi and Cheese, I think that other people's babies are very sweet but they just aren't the same thing, so I manage not to be upset. That said, seeing baby E the other day did make me cry later on - I kept seeing him when I closed my eyes. I do think it helped that he was a boy and Thea was a girl, though. This is why I need to find out the sex of baby no 2 at the 20 week scan so I have plenty of time to prepare myself for the difference or similarities.

Cheese, it is not your fault! As you say, Scarlett was completely wound up in her cord, poor little one, so don't fret about the clots. It's a horrible enough thing to have happened without blaming yourself. Besides, they can treat clotting disorders with aspirin, so even if there was that going on, they will be able to sort it out for you the next time.

My consultant also said there was no medical reason for me to have a C section because the actual delivery was fine , but I want one anyway. I would never forgive myself if another baby died because I chose to go through labour again. It's not worth the risk. Mind you, not everyone is going to have the same fears. Because Thea died when I was in labour, that's my fear. Others will have the same feelings about week 20, or 28, or 37 or whenever and may not be as worried about labour itself. Don't let me freak you out! I'm not as worried about carrying to term as some of you must be - although I will be a lot more worried about it next time than I was the first time!

My mum talked to my bro in Oz today on skype, was fine at first seeing my sis in law with her bump and then showed us the nursey and I couldnt watch. I kept thinking of our little girl and then thinking, what if the worst happens to this little one. Oh well.

Day 9 tested neg on the ov, testing early this time just in case.

Im lucky really my DH is the one really instigating the baby making, askes me every day if the test was neg or pos. Pressure does get the them though I remember what he was like when we were first trying last year. In the end I had to lay off abit and he came through.

Hi new friends,
We chose to go up and walk round the crematorium last night, it felt right to go and see where her ashes were scattered, it also felt really meaningful to look at other babies / childrens / people's placks and gifts, it helped to remind us that we're not alone with this experience of grief.
too imm apparently our consultant was also surprised that turners had not been noticed at our 12 week scan, I think it's because we were booked in but it turned out that she'd only been 10weeks at the scan and perhaps the symptoms were too small to notice at that time.
Initially after we'd lost her I recovered physically quite quickly (which was a surprise and contrast to the long drawn out recovery from my 12 week loss) and I felt so strongly that I wanted to make another baby, sadly though we didn't follow through with this as we were worried what the pm results would show us. And now we can officially start trying I jsut feel so scared of loosing another baby or finding out there's a problem and having to consider a termination or any other awful situations. It's like being stuck in a weird kind of limbo. I guess I need to tell myself that there's no hurry and that I will know what to do when I'm ready, but then I also feel like I need to hurry as if I loose another one I might be 35 before I have a healthy baby etc etc, cultural pressure etc. And then I start thinking about all the people I know who've had uncomplicated pregnancies who are living in a kind of ignorant world of bliss, and then I just need to breath...
For all of you who are waiting for BFP's I think you are really really brave.
Cheese I want to second the comments that you shouldn't be feeling guilty for what happened to Scarlett, although I guess it's a natural part of the grieving process, I hope you can let go of this feeling and accept that you were not responsible and be kind to yourself instead.

Morning. I'm in a bit of shock. I did a test yesterday afternoon and got a faint line show up, done another first thing this morning and another faint line but darker than yesterday! Omg, I'm pregnant! I know with my history of recurrent miscarriages that it can go either way still but for now, I'm pregnant.

The tiredness makes more sense now, and the headaches! Fingers crossed this one sticks.

Will catch up this afternoon, running late this morning but sat with a decaff tea to post.

Yay! xx

Oh cheese Im so happy for you, I hope it all works out FX. Maybe this is a lucky thread. Hoping its me soon.

Cheese that's fantastic news. I'll keep everything crossed for you. And I'm sure that this is a lucky thread ladies x

Oh Waw! So happy for you! I'll pray that it works out this time!

Massive congratulations cheese hope this is a very sticky one and you have a very boring 8 months ahead xxx

cheese yay! I have everything crossed that this one is nice and sticky...

I'm back early from holiday, due to evil vampire mosquitoes deciding that I was their new favourite foodstuff. And me being horribly allergic to them I now have hugely swollen red legs with nasty blistering welts all over them. At least 30 bites, all of which will leave scars. So instead of spending a few days in London we've come straight home so I can see the doc.

cheese congratulations! How are you feeling?

OMG congratulations cheese so happy and excited for you! Hope you have a very sticky bean! Scarlett will be such a proud big sister!

Please make it my turn this month too!

determined ouch, your bites sound nasty! Hope you are ok x

Cheese fab news big Fx for you. Xxx hi everyone xxx hope u re all well?? Keeping my fingers crossed for u all too xxx

dachs ouch! I now have an image of you in oven gloves taped around your hands like Pheobe in friends, to stop you from scratching.

Ive just been out and bought shoes! So excited shoe buying is the best therapy! My DH bought a pair too.

Thank you all so much! I'm a bit excited but really nervous too. I'm checking to see if I'm bleeding all the time but trying to relax at the same time. Worrying about the future already but I'm going to try and take it slowly and see how things pan out. It's quite an odd feeling really. I definitely feel pregnant though; spacey, exhausted, headache and slightly sicky. Worried that the lines were faint but I suppose I don't know when I ovulated so it could just be early. Keeping my fingers firmly crossed too.

dachs that sounds painful, hope you're feeling better soon!