Hi Cupoftea, so sorry about your little girl. Does she have a name?
Blue, I remember DH saying to me in the hospital that it felt like everyone he passed was staring at him. He had to go out and fetch things from the car or go to the shop and so on - I stayed in the room the whole time and only left it to go home. It is people that you don't know so well - neighbours, acquaintances - that are the problem, because everyone else knows. The feeling passes, but if I'm surrounded by people who don't know me, I find it hard not to blurt it out, like the Ancient Mariner.
I had a very long day yesterday - went to my first counselling session; bumped into a work friend who had her baby 7 weeks ago in the street and went back to hers for a cup of tea; and went back to see the consultant to get more blood taken. The counselling went well - the woman was very sympathetic and easy to talk to. She actually looked like she was going to cry at one point! It was draining, though - because it was the first session I had to tell her the whole story so she knew what was going on, and that was hard. I was just on the very verge of tears the whole time.
Then when I came out I got in the car, drove down the street and suddenly spotted my friend with her pram on the corner. The last time I saw her was at Thea's funeral, when she was about 8 months pregnant. Her little boy was very cute - like you, Ciwi, it was the first time I had held a newborn since it happened. He was cute but Thea was much more beautiful. I may be biased, but I don't care! She asked me if I wanted to hold him and I said yes, and I didn't get upset at the time but then once I was home in bed I did, a bit. I kept thinking about how he started to grizzle a little when she went out of the room, so I got up and bounced him gently and she came back in and said 'oh, you've got the touch' because he was quiet. I wanted to use that touch on my own baby! (It's not a magic touch, it's learned behaviour from having 3 little half-siblings. I'm 18 years older than the eldest of them and so I learned a lot about soothing babies during my uni holidays.)
Anyway, then I went off to the hospital and the consultant told me they had found something else in my blood tests that was slightly abnormal. I am fed up of being slightly abnormal! I wish they would either come up with a clear diagnosis or else give me a clean bill of health! This is something else to do with my kidneys and I'm not very clear what. The consultant did say that she deals with pregnant women with only one tiny bit of functioning kidney and they have babies ok, so I should be fine because they know both my kidneys look normal, but it is just so frustrating!
And she admitted that the MW neglected a whole raft of tests/monitoring that I should have had when I was admitted. She should have done the urine dip, for starters, and when that showed protein, as it almost certainly would have, she ought to have referred me to a doctor and done a lot more listening to Thea's heartbeat. Given that she hadn't done the urine dip, she still shouldn't have just stuck me in a room and left me alone for 3 hours. She ought to have been in every 15 minutes listening to the heartbeat. She also ought to have offered me more stringent monitoring. She ought to have listened to Thea's heartbeat for longer in the first place - ie, through a contraction.
My head is swirling - sorry for the giant post!