Mourning our angel babies but still hoping for the future: let the swi commence!

[TooImmature2BMum]

This is a thread for those of us on the bereaved mother's thread who want a place to moan about the perils of ttc without upsetting anyone over there. We've gone through at least one pregnancy, and we know what it is to hold a baby whose eyes will never open, or to have lost a baby after a few days, weeks or years. We know the fear, but we're going to go ahead and do it anyway. And then do it again, especially in the middle of the month!

Newcomers will be welcomed with all the hand-holding and wisdom we can summon up - and that's a lot! Come in and join us: the door is always open.

Morning ladies,
Hope everyone had a lovely weekend, the weather was great and we managed to finish our garden which now looks lovely. got lots of flowers and my little boy's apple tree :)

too hope you ov just after the hen party, was going to say before but then you wouldn't be able to enjoy the Hope your cycles get shorter, I hate the wait between af going away and ov too.

green sometimes my af can last 8 days too - annoying isnt it

jane fx for you this month

Well I am in full swing of driving myself mad playing the am I aren't I game. So far I have stinging boobs off and on, they also feel a bit bigger and are sore. Increased cm (sorry tmi)and my water tastes funny this morning (this happened with my little boy but not till later on, probably becasue I wasn't an obsessive symptom spotter then) well, what do you think ladies?
Oh just re read that and by water I mean bottled, drinking water. Think it sounds like I was tasting my pee above - lol

Ciwi, it did sound a bit dodgy and I was beginning to wonder what you meant by water! Well, it does sound promising, so fingers crossed! My boobs always feel sore and bigger when I'm pregnant too, it's definitely my first symptom. Can't remember what happened with CM last time, because I was being very laissez-faire about it all and just waiting to see what happened. I wish I could get that state of mind back. It was much more peaceful. Last night I felt sick just before I went to sleep and started wondering if it was morning sickness - crazy!

I know i am obsessive about symtom spotting but tasting my pee is further than even I am prepared to go! Really hope this is my month as the pope viewing and holy bird sh**ing will make me feel more positive as if it were meant to be (can't believe how mental I really am, glad this site is anonymous, otherwise I think the men in white coats would be coming to get me very soon. I forgot to mention that my sore boobs may well be down to the fact I keep squeezing them to check they still hurt - god, how am i going to get through another week of this!
too if you get morning sickness before you have even ovulated you can definately join my mental club, i had pg symptoms last month when we used protection and weren't even trying and I had come on! So really trying to not read too much into my imaginary symptoms this month either! Typing all this out really does make you realise that you have completely lost the plot xxx

symptom spotting is a nightmare because the symptoms are the same as AF lead up. The only two symptoms I remember from early pregnancy with Ophelia (so before I tested) were really fatigued and headaches. But my mum said that she never had the same symptoms with her pregnancies, but you never know.

I know green the only sure signs for me both times has been cramps but no af. I do get sore boobs with AF but they have not been this sore for a long time and they don't usually get swollen, it's also a bit early for me to get them as its still a week till af is due, trying not to get my hopes up but I do think it would be cruel of my body to make this 1st month of ttc the exact time it decides to give me particularly sore boobs. Just hope I dont get too dissapointed if I am not. How are you today green?

Is anyone due next week? I'm due Tuesday 12th. I'm not even saying that I'll be testing next Tuesday as it just seems like I'd be inviting disappointment. Don't feel like it will be our month... and I'm trying to persuade myself that I won't be so I'm not disappointed. Will get all the usual supplies this week so I can hide. xx

horsey I am due on sunday 10th, trying to hold out and wait for the witch but i almost never manage to do it and test too early and get upset. What are your supplies? Wine and chocolate?

I am due sometime between the 15th and the 22nd...sigh. The 15th would be a 28 day cycle, though, which I have only ever been when on the Pill. And if I haven't ovulated yet, then the 22nd makes more sense. I will try to hold out until the 22nd before testing - would wait longer but am going to a friend's wedding on the 23rd and will be staying with my dad, stepmother and 3 small half-siblings, and it would be nice to know whether or not I can drink. I suppose if I get a BFN I won't know if it's right or not because it still might be a bit early to test, and if I get a BFP it will be too early to tell anyone in case it's a chemical pregnancy or something! So I can't win.

Im good ciwi, we are out celebrating tonight as we got a mortgage today, so should be moving into our flat soon, when they release it. Yayy!!!

Hopefully this will open a new chapter in our lives and eveything gets better from now on.

tooimm know what you mean its terrible trying to decide wether to drink or not, I think that was one of the reasons I stopped in the end, couldnt handle people looking at me weird when I said no, and then them having that look like oh its coz your trying, now Im just the weirdo who doesnt drink. lol So when I do fall pregnant no one will even guess because I havnt had a drink for nearly 2 years.

I was thinking the other day about my next pregnancies and labour, will they be similar, wil I have terrible heartburn and acid reflux all the time. And will the labour be super quick, even quicker than last time. I need to find out if I had Ophelia early because she had already died or if that was just natural? I suppose this is all what I have to ask the consultant when we get the post mortem results back.

With you on the drinking, I had a few at the weekend as we popped out with my parents in the evening but I'm so tense half the time with worry that I just went with it. I'm tempted to have a wine tonight after yet another BFN this morning; day 34...I don't feel like I am at all. Half of me is just tempted to do whatever I want until I find out as I did everything "by the book" with Scarlett and look what happened there. You just can't odds it. I didn't even drink tea or coffee! I have chocolate and wine in the house!

At least I'm sleeping better now. So tired at night and was secretly hoping that it was because I'm pregnant but I just think it's a matter of time until I come on now. I just wish it would hurry up and arrive so we can start a new cycle again. Hope the fertility monitor picks up a peak next time too, at least I'd have something to go on then. Think I've worn myself out with worry! DH is doing okish, on anti depressants and they upped his dose this morning. He's very up and down though, reminds me of me 4 months ago!

green all my labours have been fast, including Scarlett, they got faster each time. My first was 3 and a half hours, second about 3 hours but 2 of those was pushing! Third was just over an hour and with Scarlett it was about 35 mins of proper labour and I was induced for the first time. Everyone's different of course but with me it seems I just labour fast. Very painful and intense though as you don't get the build up so that your body gets used to it, mine just go from nothing to 100 in minutes.

ooh a new appartment green how exciting, you celebrate away!
cheese was it your first month using the monitor? I have heard it takes time to get to know your cycle, i got my bfp last time 2nd month of using it so fx for you next month (that is if it doesnt happen this month of course!
too fx for you too, hope you can't drink at the wedding becasue you have a lovely bfp x
Well I am almost convincing myself I am pg, i am going to come back down to earth with a bang at the weekend. I just seem to have got it in my head that I am and I just know I will be so dissapointed if I am not. Need to go to sainsbury's later and I WILL walk past the first response tests and not be tempted (probably only becasue dh will be with me and won't let me do it).

Yes it was my first month, didn't get a peak at all just lows then lots of highs and then lows again. Really not feeling it this month at all, I'm sure with all my others (had some miscarriages as well so, more) that I tested early and got a positive. Doesn't fill me with hope.

Oh I can never avoid the tests, the point of this monitor was to avoid testing constantly but as I don't know when I'm due on again...It's so hard to obsess isn't it?

I know cheese i did manage to walk past the tests today though and I bought a little baby outfit for my friend who has just had a little girl, thought that was very brave of me as I haven't gone near baby stuff since we lost our little boy
Really hope you get to know one way or the other soon, I am sure the monitor will work for you, think it just needs to get used to you. they do have very good reviews.

cheese my labour was 2 and a half hours. And was spontaneous, of all the people I know eveyone who has had a fast labour always has fast ones, just like you. So looking very likey that I will too.

Had a great night, really nice, lovely food, sitting by the sea on the sun terrace.

well done ciwi! Dh found me in the baby clothes section the other day, thought I was having a break down, but I was looking for my nephew whose due in August. He was so releaved. Ive decided though Im not buying untill the baby is here. That is the norm now for me, even when I get pregnant again we are not buying untill the baby is here.

Hi girls, we were going to get one of the monitors after we had tried for a few months and I read a load of reviews which seemed really positive but seemed to suggest it needed a couple of months to work properly. All I'm doing just now seems to be sleeping. I've been checking various websites and getting myself freaked out about what could happen this time. I know I need to try and stay positive but I think when the worst thing that could happen to you does, then it's really hard to think that something goods going to happen

I know, green, I don't want to buy any new baby stuff until the (as yet non-existent) baby actually arrives safely either! I have a whole nursery of stuff - cot, Moses basket, Quinny Buzz pram carefully selected for walking on rough tracks, Baby Bjorn sling (secondhand from SIL), the other type of sling that you wear across the body from one shoulder, little girl clothes, a whole box of baby toiletries (gift from work when I went on ML), a few stuffed toys and baby books like Beatrix Potter and the Gruffalo, silly decorations like heaps of animal pictures and pink and green bunting and a blue cloud canopy from Ikea over the cot...if the next baby is a boy, I am going to be very sad for my beautiful pink silly things. Someone else can buy a few newborn babygrows and bring them in to me if it's okay. The silly thing is that I didn't buy anything until I was about 35 weeks because I was scared something would go wrong!

Mel, getting heaps of sleep is probably the best thing you can do! At least when you're sleeping you're not worrying. Just take it easy.

Green, it sounds more like you're just a fast labourer. I started having cx at 41 weeks exactly, then they trailed off, and then came back on 41+2 but they still weren't very effective. After about 6 hours I went into hospital and was only 2cm, 3 hours after that I was 3 cm and they diagnosed Thea's death. Then I was given gas and air and morphine and eventually they gave me an epidural because none of the above was working, and they broke my waters and gave me syntocin and Thea wasn't delivered until 9.42 am the next day - 23 hours all told, not counting the first lot of contractions on the Thursday. I do think the shock made labour slow down, though, because I got to 4 cm and then stuck there for a long time.

I have a silly question that I hope someone can help with. I'm 16 weeks post-birth and my hair has started to fall out. Quite a lot comes out in the shower or when I brush my hair and I'm forever picking hairs off my clothes. I have heard that hair falls out naturally after you give birth, and I'm not getting bald spots or anything (yet!), but all the same it's a bit unsettling. Do you think it's normal, or could it be stress related?

Morning all, can't post a long one as i am off to my 1st counselling session this morning, bit nervous but hope it helps.
We only bought a pram and a pram suit for our little boy but i definately won't be buying anything until the next little one is here safely, i still can't go near mothercare (got my friends outfit from sainsburys, could just about handle that!)
too the hair loss is probably a post pg thing but if i were you i would pop to the docs to get a thyroid problem ruled out. you can develop thyroid problems post pg, i did. It's probably not the case with you but its definately worth checking just in case, its easily treated. having said that stress can cause it too and you have definatley had a bit of that lately! xxx

Ciwi - good luck with the counselling. I found that the first one wasn't all that useful but that I got more benefit from the second. It's hard going through everything over and over as it feels like the story never changes. But we've now got the nice (but worrying) addition that we're having a wee brother or sister for our angel. Good luck with it though x

Hi Girls

good luck ciwi with the councelling i was offered it after grace but refused as at that time it was all still to raw to talk about.

i think i am the opposite of pg symtom spotting, i keep imagining pains and having to go the loo more often worrying about mc signs. i dont have many pg sign as i have no sickness (but never did with any of my pg), i am really tired but i have been tired for months.

Shakey, I'm the same. Feel queasy some times but really tired. I suppose it's just going to come with the territory this time to always be thinking the worst x

mel thanks for saying that, i didnt find it that useful, felt like it just made me cry and now i am shattered! Have booked in for next week though, going to give it another go, hopefully like you i will find the 2nd one better.

Tooimmature I am 18 weeks post birth and have noticed my hair is falling out too!

DF is working away from now until Friday, i should be ovulating tomorrow! Im so upset that it's not going to happen this month again!

my hair was already falling out during my pregnancy and got very frizzy! Today I managed to go to the hairdresser and got it cut! she said it was necessary!

ciwi can I ask, how does it work going to counselling? do you get referred by GP? do you have to pay for it?

I would like to go to Sands group but it's quite far away.

Going to the GP later... we had sex yesterday for the first time after giving birth to Sterre 2 weeks ago, and of course today... bladder infection! grmbl

Hi blue I got referred through work but you can get referred to the exact same service through the GP, I don't pay x

Hi everyone and hi ciwi,
Just read through your recent posts and think I'd really like to join you all. I had our little girl on May 5th at 18wks, had an induced labour and all that goes with that. We find out tomorrow the results from the post mortem, and I'm soooo hoping that we have the all clear to go ahead and create a new life... waiting for these results has been really really difficult as we know that she had a cycstic hygroma which is a chromasome abnormality, what we are hoping is that this was a one off freak occurance rather than a genetic abnormality that may be passed to future babies... very scarey.
But I'm trying to think positively and hoping to be posting on here in the future about conceiving and pregnancy symptoms and all the rest.
blue I've seen a family therapist privately through this organisation www.psychotherapy.org.uk/ she's been a fantastic support, I would recommend this route to anyone, especially coping with the stress of the losses that you've all been through.