Come into the BESHt youth club in town, all you sad and bitter crones.

[Ariesgirl]

Enter the darkened youth club, where desperate 30-somethings who have been TTC since the eighties determinedly try to recapture their teenage years: their snogs with Darren from maths in the corner of the disco, the waft of Impulse, the slow dances at the end of the night, table tennis tournaments and the queue at the tuck shop for black jacks, Panda cola, fruit salads and Wham bars. Bop to Ride on Time, Love Shack and Vogue with Madonna and we'll see if all those sweaty hormones and pheromones can do the trick.

Oh, I was awkward. So awkward. Just shy of 6 feet tall and very apologetic about it. I didn't wear any fashionable things or do any fashionable things (except a bit of white musk..), just hid myself in hideous XXL mens jumpers and sat in the corner wishing I were a bit cooler. The thing is that I was very very pretty and had such a lovely figure. Terrible thing teenage angst. Teenagers can't see past it.

As for my little pee stick issue. Not resolved yet. This morning was another imaginary line. But no droid at 14 DPO which is extremely unusual...

And I'm composed for now. Put down the boxing gloves!

I was neither tall enough to be special nor short enough to kindle the protective element that certain teenage girls enjoy provoking in boys. I was always slightly on the outside looking in until the 6th form when I fell in love (obligatory) and decided I would self consciously go off the rails. But I was always too scared to do it properly so was firmly back on them by aged 17. Plus I had no boobs and these were the days before M&S 2 sizes bigger bras. I was quite good at sport in a tries hard sort of way, but never good enough to be on the first team and therefore in the sporty gang either. Difficult days :( In retrospect I loathe the PE teacher who had such favourites, stupid silly bitch. When I became a teacher I vowed I would never show any favoritism and I don't think I ever did.

Didn't you just hate those short girls with big boobs who knew how to flirt by aged 12?

Please tell us your 1991 crush Starry. I seriously fell in love and couldn't hide it! He then went out with my best friend. Oh God, being a teenager was just shit!

Erm, hi...

Is this a private party or can I come join your club?

Eep you are making me feel old as in 1991 I had just started uni and was waaaaay too cool old for youth club. I wasn't too proud to skim the top of the drinks cabinet tho. And I used to wear bodyshop Primrose before graduating to CK1. snakebite and black anyone?

I had a multi coloured tye dye tassle top that I wore with black leggings everywhere whilst making self miserable listening to political complaint type music. I had a chiffon multi coloured tye dye skirt too and all sorts of faux-goth accoutrements. Also denim shorts and tights! Oh that I were still slim enough to wear any type of shorts :(

cake we await your BESHtionnaire with bated breath! Especially if you are bringing cava which we will all share by passing it round and drinking out of the bottle, thinking how cool we look drinking champagne.

'Allo cakeandcava. Fanks for coming in! No, not a private party and we are always up for new blood new members. It all depends on:
a) how old you are
b) how bitter and twisted you are
c) how sick your sense of humour is
d) how persistent you are in finding and completing the aforementioned BESHtionnaire!
e) how much you intend using the words "hun" and "babydust" and "AF"
d) and finally, while we are lovely, polite, friendly, funny and intelligent bunch of wimminz (and very modest clearly) we are apt to greet women who fall on a cock and get diffed with a Cold Stare

I loved Body Shop's Dewberry. Everytime I got in the car my Dad would ask what the stink was.

In 1991 I was wearing jeans, DM's and a Wonderstuff t-shirt. I also had thick milk bottle glasses and hair at an inconvenient length.

Such a bad look.

The first time I came back from uni with my freshly pierced nose (I think it might have been the very first thing I bought with my pittance grant) my dad asked me "what have you done to your beautiful face?" :o

I am clearly, clearly not going to get any Sechs. He is on the sofa fast asleep.

Nice Fred Rie

Funny how our wardrobes are sounding remarkably similar. My best outfit - small sundress type thing from Miss Selfridge, blue & black stripey tights with ripped fishnets over the top, numerous vests over sundress, army coat, para boots. Silly plaits in hair. Smelt of patchouli oil and fags.

When I was 17 I had a complete revamp when I discovered dance music & started wearing furry boots and small shorts every weekend. With a whistle round my neck. Smelt of sweaty clubs and Liquid Gold. Sorry about me.

So how are we looking on the spreadsheet.....(gloves are at the ready Brownie)

Hey up Cake hunt down the questionnaire and then we can grill get to know you

"Sorry about me" You are fine my love. And we are about the same shape, non? How's the 2 sizes bigger bra going? And I've seen you, by the way, moonlighting on the Silk Cut thread!

I found I didn't have much to say on t'other fred. I like the palais.

The magic bra is magic!! It makes me look like I might even have some boobs

On last fred I made ref to the fact I'd bought this ...one advantage to being a lanky pole. Wore it out on Sunday and got lots of compliments (and a massive blister from silly shoes)

Wow Sunny. I'd look like a fat lesbian in that outfit!

Fuckin' 'ell! I also would look like a lesbian but I bet you rocked it!

Ha!! When I was younger I had this fear of looking like a drag queen in anything remotely feminine but I have embraced my looks in my 30's and think fuck it. I am 6ft tall & there's nothing I can do about it so I might as well flaunt it whilst I can. MS called it my Hillbilly suit though!

Are you really six foot? You and Brownie are models innit? I felt awkward at 5 ft 7 1/2 in school but I didn't get any higher and am likely to shrink as I get older due to spinal ishoos.

I, OTOH, am a short, fat dwarf at 5'4".

But I do have a magnificent rack!

Yep. 6ft long (as my Dad says)

Spinal ishoos? Is it a genetic thing? Do you have pain now or will it come as you get older

Rie I always felt really awkward in school, I was always stuck on the back row of photos with the boys and had to play in goal at hockey (probably cos I was shite actually rather than my hight). It has it's advantages though, I can always see at concerts. I usually intimidate most blokes (useful skill to have) and I can wear hillbilly suits. But I struggle to find jeans that fit me and I can't hide in a crowd.

Ah the rack Doris.....the money I have spent on trying to get a rack.....

Check it out!!!!!!

Blimey - that is impressive

Rie have you woke him up & demanded the sechs yet??

Epic bold fail....

Oh yes... the knockers have been snuggled by many people. Gay men seem to be especially fond of them for some reason.

When did you get married Doris? What's your story?

Right. This must be a pretty good party, with the application form and all
I think I've tracked down the BESHtionnaire...

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

Oh yes.

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

Failed gold digger -he is 13 years older but I make more than him...

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use: a) weewee b) poopoo c) foofoo d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

Trick question! After trying every hole imaginable since time immemorial it turns out what you actually do is spend a month injecting yourself with industrial-grade hormones before a nice doctor yanks out a good harvest of eggs from your foofoo and them introduces them to the sperm in a little dish, as they have so far been too dim to figure it out themselves. Then they're shoved back in again. Simples!

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

Has to be a) :)

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

I'm more of a Trekkie but going to go for a)

6. what colour are your walls?

A was-there-before-I-moved-in beige that desperately needs painting over

7. Number of pets?

One. Cat, slightly insane but very friendly. Currently biting my toe.

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. I thought this was completely normal but was met with outraged howls the last time the topic came up.

9. Lesbian crush?

Charlotte Gainsbourg. Hawt French lady.

10. What are your views on camping?

Amazing fun in theory...

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?

i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
ii) Over 100 quid
iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

I have a large packet of Amazon cheapies that these days I occasionally draw a line on to cheer myself up.

Do I pass the test?
I'm a fairly young'un (30) but I'm certainly not one to fall on a cock and diff, I start the Big Scary Three-Letter-Treatment in May and could probably do with a venting place and occasional punch to the kidneys.
I should maybe be hanging out on FertilityFriends but that place is so full of tickers and babydust I'm worried about developing spontaneous diabetes if I'm there too long...