The fred where the BESH practise DIY. Scan the chart below. Customers are kindly requested to keep readers informed of relevant colour and consistency.

[Ariesgirl]

BESHityourself proudly presents...

The BESHtone colour matching system, for all your interior colourways

000 Clearest eggwhite
001 Watery white
002 All that jizz?
003 Cottage cheese
004 Cunt-ry cream
005 Hopeful Yellow
006 Hint of a Tint
007 Excessive Cigaring
008 Stretchy but streaky
009 Palest Pink
010 Implantation Imaginings?
011 Itty Bitty Brown
012 Brahn String
013 Ovaltine Ochre
014 Sludge Brown
015 Clotty Red
016 Purest Scarlet
017 Possibly Green*
018 Barely Black*
019 Sump Oil Surprise*
020 Nothing. Nadda. Where the fuck IS it?

*Available at specialist retailers

Well Cass had tantalised with her thread and then buggered off. Someone had to do it.

Can anyone give me any good ideas of things to look forward to and cheer me up? I am terribly depressed atm and SIL up-diffedness has basically ruined Christmas and all family visits from now til eternity as I am sure they will not want to see me weeping and running from the room repeatedly. I need to CTFU. It's like HTFU only with cheering.

I've finished the licquorice allsorts btw. And half a packet of jaffa cakes. And a 200g bar of galaxy.

Hello slagheap,

Unfortunately BItesworth I caved and tested yesterday but BFN and Droid arrived this morning. I am feeling pit-bound so make some room, I've brought moonshine as the shop-bought stuff isn't strong enough. I don;t know why (because I'm very, very stupid perhaps?) but I was convinced this was 'the month' so am now quite sad about droid arrival. I think a combination of a whole year of pratting about followed by 2 good cycles and charting this month so actually knowing we'd timed everything right has set me up for a bigger fall than usual. I am treating myself with spag bol and garlic bread from the canteen for lunch. In good news, droid is going about his unwelcome business quietly and without any trauma, so at least is being considerate in that regard.

I am also looking at the positives, which are 1) I can get royally hammered at the family do next month [cometh the droid, cometh the strawpedoes], 2) I don't have to share SIL's diffment announcing time (she's the one they teach you about at school, only has to look at her OM and there's a bun in the oven) and 3) diffment next month would mean baybee would share due date with our 4th wedding anniversary, surely too twee to avoid?

So enough about me.

Sympathies for TractorGirl and BiteMe on coordinated droid arrival. The birthday angle is just too a step too far, pliz to accept this birthday lobe nibble

BarbedWire am interested in finding out what 'type' I am (although strongly suspect that being advised to give up my favourite crap to eat will result in further wailing from my corner of the pit)

Owl TGB called me whilst I was at work to announce the discovery of his first grey pube. He was an interesting mixture of proud and appalled. He has since grown a few grey beard hairs and 2 grey chest hairs and happily tells pretty much anyone who will listen. He's going a bit bald up top so I think he likes to brag about the ones he's got left.

Am trying lots of this [hgrin] [hsmile] today to cheer my sorry ass up. (apologies for the whinge BTW)

Owl I hear you, am working on a magic answer and will share as soon as I have the recipe. In the meantime, have you tried wine?

Oh my God, oh my God, there you all are . I thought I'd lost you all, I couldn't find you

Lorry ! How are you? Everything okay with LaurieBean?

Truffs I know what you mean about thinking this had to be the month; I too have done all the CBFM and shagging on the right days which is what makes this month's inevitable fail even shittier than usual. I commiserate thoroughly with the droidness, the bastard.

As for the wine suggestion I have made 2.5 litres of sloe gin so far - you can share it with me. It won't cheer you up but it tastes fabulous.

Important Q: Wtf is a strawpedo?

Owl giftage of sloe gin gratefully received Strawpedo is when you drink a bottle of some sort of fizzy alcopop using a straw to take out the bubbles, therefore making 'downing' said liquor speedy. Tis a vey childish game I often sometimes indulge in when out with my BIL (he is a bad influence) Most amusing with blue WKD (evil stuff) although I have never, repeat, never, done this with a bottle of fizzy wine [hhmm]

Lorry pleased to see you back, hope the BOC is doing well and didn't adversely affect your travels with sick making or the like. Am having reflexology, so hoping that is the key!!

Hello schlaaaaaags. Happy half term to any teachers out there. I can't get used to not living my life according to LEA calendars. I had v early start this morning: it was dark and cold The frickin cat woke me up at 5am. What will happen when the clocks go back?

Gutted about collective droidage, though the enoch Powell reference was sheer genius. Land Girl very genuinely sorry about birthday droid. What a total fucker. I am not going to do the next thread as I seem to be unlucky - someone else needs to do it, but remember the theme is a Old West whore house. This wholesome DIY has got us nowhere.

Laurie and HB, never go away again

Halloween emoticon FAIL [hsad]

TwixResistanceFail [hsad]

When will I stop eating? When?

I have chosen to interpret Lozza's post as saying that she got diffed through toe-sucking [hgrin]

OMG! Does that mean we have to add 'toes' to our list of methods on the BESHtionnaire?

That is so wrong. [hgrin]

God, toes are rank, aren't they? How anyone could be a foot fetishist is beyond me!

Hermya on the Frolickers thread had a baby boy yesterday. She was the one who welcomed me onto MN first so it's been nine whole months. Sigh. She sounds like she had a bit of a marathon and now has a torn undercarriage She also gave birth on her EDD - very impressive!

Have just discovered that you can treat foxes biscuit bars in the same way as twix and (if we're going to get antipodean) tim tams -ie it is possible having nibbled the ends off to suck coffee up them and end up with chocolatley biscuity coffee flavoured meltiness straight in the mouth, is owly's fault for making me think about twixes, but think I may have discovered the key to happiness [hsmile].

Truff I admire your positive approach greatly and am inspired to believe that next month must be better for all [hopeful halloween emoticon]I have some bottles of Reef and some bendy straws let's get legless!

aries am going to have track down clever woman who first thought of Enoch Powell as certain it wasn't me but am thinking about claiming the credit for it now!

Multi cross post [hblush] if toes are the way to get diffed I've had it - FDH won't even look at my feet"

Bitey you really shouldn't have told me that, now I'll have to go and raid the chocolate stash again to test it out, I do like the sound of it being the key to happiness although I've long suspected that was trifle. God I love trifle.

Nice work on the edible straw research Bitey if I can profer my opinion, Kit Kats are also quite good for that as the biscuit and filling stuff melts into one big lump of lush. (I might point out that last time I had a Kit Kat / coffee / straw moment, TGB said 'you are supposed to save noises like that for me' I nearly snorted coffee out of my nose through laughing but now use it at every opportunity)

Agree with all, feet = yuk. Am not a fan (but happy for strangers to reflex and pedicure me to their hearts' content - what's that all about?)

hello hags.

Rie where the fuck were you? My MIL thought I was actually mental when I refused to move off the hard shoulder of the M5, and kept shouting 'but I'm waiting for my friend, she's called Ariesgirl, she definitely said she was coming to meet me*

I have driven about a million miles today, and had to get up at 4a.m.

On the plus side, MIL now has a new knee [hgrin]

What is all this talk of toefucking? Pliz to stop.

Sorry Salts, but God, like really be reasonable. I was working. I tried to get time off but MrA such a, like, bastard.

Yeah, cuz like, I'm gunna believe that aren't I? I bet you, like, didn't even ask for time off.

Be like that then. Ner.

FACT: diffedness does not require toes sucking and other such foot shens as other wise I would have had no chance. TB HATES feet and will not touch mine or have his touched. Is very strange and a bit annoying as I love a foot rub.

farmgirl happy birthday but unhappy droidday. thats proper shitty timing. But spose at least you can get hammered with impunity on your b'day. (ps you share same b'day as my mum)

boo to other droidage appearances, truffs just to reassure you I get WELL over excited my first month of charting as thought we had done everything right. chilled out a bit the following month and that seemed to work so keep at it. shoes I also have 2.5 litres of damson gin brewing, happy to contribute to the anti depressant fund, will lower demijon down to pit a crate of tonic and bag of limes.

salts you must be knackered but you have done a good deed. Here come and have a reward

CATFIGHT!

Sorry leafy!!