The fred where the BESH practise DIY. Scan the chart below. Customers are kindly requested to keep readers informed of relevant colour and consistency.

[Ariesgirl]

BESHityourself proudly presents...

The BESHtone colour matching system, for all your interior colourways

000 Clearest eggwhite
001 Watery white
002 All that jizz?
003 Cottage cheese
004 Cunt-ry cream
005 Hopeful Yellow
006 Hint of a Tint
007 Excessive Cigaring
008 Stretchy but streaky
009 Palest Pink
010 Implantation Imaginings?
011 Itty Bitty Brown
012 Brahn String
013 Ovaltine Ochre
014 Sludge Brown
015 Clotty Red
016 Purest Scarlet
017 Possibly Green*
018 Barely Black*
019 Sump Oil Surprise*
020 Nothing. Nadda. Where the fuck IS it?

*Available at specialist retailers

Well Cass had tantalised with her thread and then buggered off. Someone had to do it.

Alpe D'Huez is a Butterie like a Lardy Cake? I loves them I does.

Evening slaaags. Just back from the Motherland. With the trots. Is delightful. Would like to eat something (anything?) but stomach still making ominous gurgling sounds.

Send virtual lardy cake.

Forgot to say, thanks for parcel Sprocks. Tonight I shall be sleeping with the lovely Eric.

Bloody hell! Only posted it 2nd class yesterday. 1st is obv a waste of money. Sorry about the trots geegee hope Eric takes your mind of it :D

I'm pretty sure that lardy cake cures the trots; by virtue of blocking one's innards up completely.

This may or may not be a good thing.

Is awfully quiet in here tonight. Is everyone drunk/shagging/WOOFLing quietly in a corner?

I am doing none of the above...jusy on CD7, 011 in gusset watch, hence nuthin' doin' and no exciting chat.

To put that more positively, am resting in preparation for my birthday extravaganza, which will include a lot of good hard SWI [hgrin].

'Tis the Scorpio way, Lyra [hwink] Your Birthday Twin heartily approves.

Hurrah for the birthday shagtravaganza!

Scrops lovely, hope the barfosity is under control :)

No, but thanks for the thought [hsmile]

Morning BESHes! truffkin no POAS for me due to Enoch Powell style droidage. Hmmm has someone else used that metaphor? Seems very imaginative (and therefore unlikley) of me on a Monday morning, sorry if I have plagarised!

My pregnant friend came round on Saturday and rubbed her bump far too much IMO. Also went for fabulous walk in one of the most beautiful places in the country only to see thousands and thousands lots of people carrying their baybees in a variety of slings which just made me feel all pangy nstead.

Is there any chicken stew left?

Morning Ihaveitall

I?ll join you in the pit and just to celebrate, I?ve brought my own birthday cake. I had to use the blow torches from aisle 21 to light all the THIRTY EIGHT f*ing candles.

My fing BESH body gave me a lovely present of the fing droid, a tantalising day late. On my birthday. Today.

Did I say I?m 38 today?

I feel old.

PS ? I never usually swear but have become a grumpy old woman overnight.

Morning notgoingdownonfarmers and happy birthday! Sorry about the crappy birthday present your womble decided to give you, maybe it is having big clear out ready for creating happy environment for baybee growing? You sound like you need a birthday treat badly, allow me to present to you an exotic dance clad only in solar power fairy lights (aisle 29)

Happy Birthday Farmgirl. The Sunday Times Style section this weekend proclaimed that 38 was a woman's prime. Quite frankly I thought their reasoning was a little dubious in places but ignore that and revel in being exactly the right age.

Sorry bout the twin droid attack for you and Bitey.

Cd11 here, don't think it's teh sexy time for a while yet due to desert pants. MrG away til Tuesday night too so better not lay one til Weds at earliest.

MORNING HAGGERS!

"Happy Birth day to you, Happy Birth Day to You, Happy Birthday FarmersFellatio, Happy Birth Day to yooooooooou". I have stuck some plugs on my nips in a burlesque style and am spinning the plug chains counter clockwise for your amusement. HTH.

Bollocks to birthday droid - that's taking the piss. I have started the Baby Making Bible Plan if anyone wants to join me? All about Chinese medicine/Western crossover, you have to do the plan for four months. Got to be worth a try. Will elaborate if anyone is interested.

Morning BB. Another gem there I see . I'm interested in hearing more about the BMBP pliz?

Bangers ! :)

BB I would be a bit wary of the Chinese medicine stuff as some of it can interact horribly with western medicine, joy.

Nice plugs btw

Bitey evil droid, damnit.

Farmhand Happy droidday. Hang on, that's not right.

I can't stop eating. Diffed? Naw. Just greedy.

Owly this plan is especially to be used in conjunction with IVF/IUI etc. and is more about your diet and mental attitude. I know some Chinese remedies (eg. Agnus Castus etc) can disrupt western prescribed medicines.

Bangers the main principles are positive mental visualisation - believing it can work, that you love your body (yes I know a bit cringeworthy), eating a diet balanced for your ?type?, getting enough rest and so on. I was very sceptical at first but it looks fairly easy to do and a lot of it made sense (and tallied up with what needles man said).

For example, my abdomen below the naval is often cold and I get very cold hands and feet (I have Reynaud?s) and it looks at ways to address this as a baby does not want to ?grow in a fridge?. It also says people with blood deficiency are forgetful and do things like their keys in the door (which I did last week) and have light periods. It requires a few tweaks to your diet but they don?t seem to be onerous, and making time to look after yourself. I did a couple of the yoga breathing techniques and meridian tapping (positive reinforcement ? a bit like self hypnosis I suppose) and I felt really rested and calm afterwards.

What have I got to lose anyway? It can only help your mental state after all. I do feel negatively towards my body - I feel it has let me down in getting pregnant/being pregnant and staying pregnant. I also am feeling angry and sad finding lots of grey hair and grey eyebrows, and feeling old (with my crap AMH score)! I don't think that's healthy and want to get out of that negative mind set. PM me if you want to know more, and I?ll look into how you identify your ?type? and what you need to do to rectify it.

It also recommends watching comedy so that must be good for you!

BB I am intrigued now! I think if it encourages you to take care of yourself then it must be a good thing. Have removed a grey hair this morning and it wasn't in my eyebrows or my hair. Was a big thick beasty and my eyes are still a bit watery. [grey pube emoticon] [hsad]

Ahhh, crafty, BB - yoga breathing and calming techniques are indeed ace and generally good for one. I should do them more often [TranquilityFail]

I've got a grey eyelash. Is bloody stupid.

Bitey - YOWCH.

Boo to grey hairs all round! Grey pubes yikes! You are brave Bitey to yank that bad boy out. Ahem, I mean, I LOVE my grey hairs, it is a sign of my wisdom and experience, ommmmmmm.

Mr Shoes is almost completely grey so not sure about the wisdom bit

BB ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - is it time for comedy and a lunchtime snooze meditation yet?

Happy Birthday, Farmhand! Am always happy to see a fellow Scorp about the place Not so happy to see your shitty birthday surprise [hsad] My droid got me with some delightful no. 11 on my birthday last year (and a full on Enoch on Xmas Day - fun times). Is beyond crapulent [hangry] Please enjoy this gentle erotiviolence

MrBitey, the Enoch Powell thing is genius [hgrin] As you can see, I've used it above - everyone should start moaning about their Enoch... except, of course, I want everyone to have no Enochs at all. Luffs to you all!

PS BB, I got that book. Is v good (although some suggestions are a bit hard to keep up).

PS Is also crap about Bitey's droid of course. And DowntonAbbey, I'll be 38 too on Friday Is our prime indeed

Thanks scorps though still not 100% sure I can claim the credit for old Enoch! Thanks all for grey pube of doom sympathy it has stopped stinging now!