The fred where the BESH practise DIY. Scan the chart below. Customers are kindly requested to keep readers informed of relevant colour and consistency.

[Ariesgirl]

BESHityourself proudly presents...

The BESHtone colour matching system, for all your interior colourways

000 Clearest eggwhite
001 Watery white
002 All that jizz?
003 Cottage cheese
004 Cunt-ry cream
005 Hopeful Yellow
006 Hint of a Tint
007 Excessive Cigaring
008 Stretchy but streaky
009 Palest Pink
010 Implantation Imaginings?
011 Itty Bitty Brown
012 Brahn String
013 Ovaltine Ochre
014 Sludge Brown
015 Clotty Red
016 Purest Scarlet
017 Possibly Green*
018 Barely Black*
019 Sump Oil Surprise*
020 Nothing. Nadda. Where the fuck IS it?

*Available at specialist retailers

Well Cass had tantalised with her thread and then buggered off. Someone had to do it.

Hearth being laid on the 4th....went to stone place today (Quarry, I think the technical term is...) to pick out stone. Big man started talking about overhangs and bevels and I sorted of switched off. Just want a bit of stone to stop the floor burning ffs...
I cannot wait for snuggly fire evenings.

I AM NOT doing the menkul. I'm just not. It doesn't make you any more or less diffed. I can't bear the whole babyfail merry-go-round. Is soul destroying and I AM NOT PLAYING any more.

In other news, I am driving to Cornwall tomoz so i can drive MIL (well, not married so technically mother out law, but you know what I mean) to Plymouth to hospital for knee replacement. Then I go back on Friday to take her home....Mucho driving, and I'll have to hoover the bloody car so she doesn't make a sniffy face...

Truff there is no point in testing. Wait for Droid.

Cornwall!! Cornwall!! Come and see me!!

Salts I too am never going to menkul again.

Me neither (until tomorrow).

Btw, I've eaten half a box of licorice alsorts.

salts if they give her plenty of happy anaesthetic she won't care what state your car is in on the way home...maybe you could just blindfold her on the way in?

i am rooting for you both rie and salts on the non menkulling, feel bad about my menkul encouraging antics last month so will provide très difficile questions as a distraction: such as what is the population of chile minus the GNP of peru? (salts i know you love these)

I am jealous of wood burners too. Only thing wrong with our living room is that we decided not to install a fire place as fitter said that we needed to line the chimney 'too comply with regulations" that would cost 800 squids and also at the risk of breaking our roof, which he wouldn't be insured to cover In the end we decided to block it up as it was the dining room at the time. Now we have switched rooms I am regretting that decision. :( Grateful this house has mid terrace heat retention so it doesn't get really cold. Sorry that probably put you all to sleep.

Wish I had an errand to run to Cornwall - I'd fo sho visit the lovely Aries. [simper]

owl Should you get a win, you can still use the booze the coming weekend. Your Baybee won't share your bloods until it's at least 6 weeks old - so booze away. Until it's 6 weeks old it's just a little ball of nothingness really. Btw, licquorice will give your baybee ADHD. Not in The Netherlands though, so you're OK.

salts Hoover the car? Egads. But what would I do with my dirt collection?

Note to others about wood-burners. Upon selling your house you'll think it's a brilliant idea to give the grate a really good clean using the newly-purchased hoover. Just don't. You will fuck the hoover beyond all repair and have to go out and buy a second hoover to complete the aforementioned clean of the house. :(

Hoovering a wood burning stove. Hoovering the car. Heat retention in mid terraced houses. The availability of parsnips in the Netherlands.

What the fuck is happening here? Where's the lesbo erotiviolence?

The sooner we get off this B&Q thread the better. :(

Sunday morning and she wants a bit of sapphic. The filthy hooer. For your amusement, the girl afraid to wash : www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1066495-Silly-ttc-question-swimming

sorry lyra won't mention the washing machine saga then Here come distract yourself with my oversized buzzwams, (just mind the nips) while I pull your hair.

pony at least she has the decency to acknowledge is was a daft question. :o I wonder if she stops washing completely for the week before ov (eew)

TB has just emitted the most girly scream ever, the spider that he refused to eject from the stairway last night (because they eat flies) had taken up residence in his trousers on the bedroom floor. Retribution :o

Oh Lyra. I blame myself, I really do. After all I started the thread.

The next one needs to be set in an Old Western whore-house

Are you going soft or summat ?

Pony you are evil. I shall eat the other half of the box anyway.

I must confess I did actually google the swimming TTC question myself long before it was posted on here, but to be fair, at the time I was doing a lot of swimming and there seem to be quite a lot of daft things that make one's foof unfriendly to the swimmers so a large dose of chlorine...well, you get the picture.

rocket I tried to wash a fecking huge monster spider down the plughole the other day and as soon as I stopped blasting him with the showerhead the devious hairy bastard came back out of the plughole and carried on rampaging around in the bath!! He did not survive the second dousing and the plug being put in, though.

Will that do for ya?

Rocket I think I would die of fright if that happened to me. Did he put the trousers on? Oh that's even worse that my earwig in the knickers story.

Western whore house sounds perfect :o. We get to wear those flouncy frocks with the corsets. Mucho boobage. Hurray, feel much better now.

FitFilly has gone soft since she had Bear, I reckon. I likes it.

Ooh thanks hooters, that was just what I needed.

Hey we could get back on the old ping pong firing but in a western shoot out stylee. To an Enio Mariconi (sp) sounds track. Title: The Good, The Evil and the Barren?

mountainmustang think it did a runner before he put them on. (has now been ejected out the bedroom window. Reminded me of the time we found one of <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=www.vc-herzberg.de/australia/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/huntsman-spider.jpg&imgrefurl=www.4networking.biz/forum/16/61762.htm&h=768&w=1024&sz=72&tbnid=qgf9guIWUh_mjM:&tbnh=113&tbnw=150&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dhuntsman%2Bspider&zoom=1&q=huntsman+spider&usg=__K_0pKz3R0KJsvqxQ_FIab4845HQ=&sa=X&ei=NQPETKfUCsuTjAfIkPG4BQ&ved=0CCYQ9QEwAg" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">these in our hut in Loas. warning DO NOT click on link if pictures of big spiders freak you out. It was bigger than that one and could leap 4 feet. Completely harmless of course but still elicited the highest pitched girly scream from TB I have ever heard :o

shoes best to catch it in a pint glass and chuck it out the window, otherwise it'll just come back up the pipe.

I do wish you had written do not click on the link before you put the actual link

In other news, I have lost MrA. He was going out just as I was waking up and has not come back. Nor has he taken his phone. Or the car.

ARGGHHH!

I am never going to Loas? No idea where it is but am never going there. I saw some massive ones in venuzuela which the helpful chap we were with poked with a stick to make them move around a bit. I personally did not need them to move around a bit.

Flamethrower's what I want, rocket , although I concede it would have made a right mess of the bath.

You mean you have not GPS tagged him, Ariel ? How remiss.

owl Nobody wants to do 20 laps and a mouthful of your donor's swimmers. [boak]

I skim read and thought your husband had ejaculated on the stairs. :(

But aries you are lovely.

Phew he has returned. How dare he!

I heard lesbian erotoviolence was required. Does anyone want to grab the other end?

(Yes, I googled, my tool knowledge is rather replete)

I have been lurking, but had nothing interesting to say. Was inspired by mylittlepony to make a chicken casserole yesterday and parboiled my potatoes first because I wasn't cross with MrB.

Am more depressed about being overweight today than about not being diffed so I am going to do something about it.

:( broke fred. maybe I should keep my clothes on

defo NOT boo gissa snog. I wish TB would loose himslf for a bit, hes being a twat

princessboo My weight loss programme is coming on in leaps and bounds. I've eaten a third of a Nigella cake this morning and am currently eating a butterie* with butter.

*North East Scotland delicacy - ingredients in order: Fat, lard, salt.

*lose FGS.

Anyway I take it back as I was probably being a bit of a twat too and he's been really nice to me ever since. Just been for lovely walk down the beach in the sun shine then bought lots of lovely things to roast. The holly in the park is full of berries so I think I'll go scrumping for branches in a bit. Wonder if I can preserve it somehow as it's always lost all its berries by Xmas.

Is Nigella cake actually made from Nigella? I bet there would be a fair amount of lard in that too :o