The fred where the BESH practise DIY. Scan the chart below. Customers are kindly requested to keep readers informed of relevant colour and consistency.

[Ariesgirl]

BESHityourself proudly presents...

The BESHtone colour matching system, for all your interior colourways

000 Clearest eggwhite
001 Watery white
002 All that jizz?
003 Cottage cheese
004 Cunt-ry cream
005 Hopeful Yellow
006 Hint of a Tint
007 Excessive Cigaring
008 Stretchy but streaky
009 Palest Pink
010 Implantation Imaginings?
011 Itty Bitty Brown
012 Brahn String
013 Ovaltine Ochre
014 Sludge Brown
015 Clotty Red
016 Purest Scarlet
017 Possibly Green*
018 Barely Black*
019 Sump Oil Surprise*
020 Nothing. Nadda. Where the fuck IS it?

*Available at specialist retailers

Well Cass had tantalised with her thread and then buggered off. Someone had to do it.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Owlie you have inspired me with your idea of a doom-busting conception. Birthday will be CD12 so prime SWI opportunity.

Occie, yes I haz nice things planned for birfday:

• pub quiz with workmates on the Weds
• 2 nights away with HO on Thurs/Fri
• dinner at nice restaurant with a dozen mates on Saturday
• family Sunday lunch (joint with Dad as his 65th - and last - birthday)

So couldn't ask for more really. Except a baby. And dad not dying would be nice :(.

I am definitely going to buy a CBFM this month. Keep thinking if I buy one it will guarantee instadiff and be a waste of £75. I am just so TIGHT.

Lyra hope you have a lovely time, 35 is no age, no age at all. And I'm sure you will treasure the time with your Dad. Mine died very unexpectedly 18 days before his 70th - just trying to get out of having a party I reckon. I bet this is your year just to put two fingers up at the Daily Heil. [hsmile]

Lyra if I could make those two wishes come true I would for you. I'm glad you have some good stuff to look forward to. No one should be too sad on their birthday.

Hoot don't forget that OPK's usually need pissing on around mid day/late afternoon, not first thing in the morning.

Sounds like a fabblus birthday Lyra.

Can I ask how LyraPops is doing? You've been vay quiet lately [henvy]

SHIT. Wrong emoticon. Can't tell you how sorry I am.

I too would like a magic wand to make everything work out right for you Lyra. Hope that all the celebrations are fun, and definitely that the birthday conception goes to plan!

£75 sounds like not much to spend at all if it results in instadiff.

Lyra that sounds like a top birfday plan and surely CD12 bifrday shag = definite diffment.

Maybe Mr Lyra can buy you the CBFM as a gift?

I've had one for 2 months and no instadiff so far but it does at least make you feel you're vaguely in control of the situation.

£75 is nothing compared to what we will all spend when we win our baybees and they need clothes and shit like that. Ouf.

Well I don't know about you but my aim and stamina are so poor that I can't pee on a stick for ten seconds so have to collect it then dunk. So I don't so much POAS as WIAR!

lyra am so impressed with your attention to detail!

Lyra I've also been thinking of you and your Pops a lot. How's he doing?

I also wish your birfday wishes could come true - life can be exceptionally shit sometimes. :(

It might be good to take a camera on your travels that weekend to record the whole birthday event - might also get some nice pics of the family for your Dad to have, and vice versa.

Wow cross posted with all the other BESHs then! Attention to detail was about your accenting lyra and not your birthday fun list or wish list. Am off home now to WIAR.

Thanks lovely BESHes.

£75 v. cheap compared to stress of forthcoming IVF. Am pressing buy now. Can't ask HO to get for me because he has already got me a ring .

Loving WIAR as an acronym! Can we adopt it?

No worries re witch-fail, Aries, you cornish butter fingers!

Yes, it will be a fabbalas birthday. I am deciding right now that there will be NO MORE BoD nonsense from me, because moping won't make things better. And I will never be as young as I am now! So might as well enjoy it .

Dad is doing OK. Won't look at himself in the mirror because he thinks he looks like Alex Higgins before he died, but the docs keep telling him how "fit and well" he is . He has got it into his head that he "wants to see mum settled" in a more suitable house before he dies, which is an insane idea that HO and I are trying to talk him out of. Yes, it would give him something to think about and something productive to do, but if he got really ill in the middle of exchanging contracts etc. if would be an absolute nightmare for the rest of us.

HO and I are still struggling with it all but doing much better; counselling has been fantastic and I am a complete convert.

I haven't been around much because all my chat is so gloomy, but I still laugh my ass off at all the BESHy antics, even when I don't have anything jolly to contribute. The colour chart, for example, is a work of genius. Someone will write a book about us one day (probably Scorps).

We luffs you lots

wee in a receptacle?

The CBFM worked for me Lyra, really helped me to understand my wayward cycles. And thinking of you and your dad.

wee in a ramekin

Wazz in a ramekin, I fort. Thanks Meds - is your scan soon?

This Monday coming, Lyra.

Right it is in my brain Meds, I will pop over on Monday to check on you :)

Lyra if you spend the 75 quid and get the guaranteed instadiff, I'll buy the cbfm off you! I am also too tight, but it would at least stop my bathroom floor being a collection of tupperware containers. Hope you have a good birthday and it results in a diffment for you! Wish we could grant you your second wish too :( but hope you have some lovely moments in the time remaining.

Pos opk today. No chance of any action till tomorrow night. Grrr second month in a row of life getting in way of baybee making. Oh well, you never know, tomorrow might not be too late. Will give it a go, in the name of science and all that.

so BESHettes, I am now beginning another symptom spotting fortnight. Is WOOLF or something your BESHly term for the dreaded two week wait? Have a lovely 4 days in Budapest coming up next week to take my mind off it though :)

2woofl is 2 weeks of obsessive fucking lunacy, as coined by the ever wonderful ginhag.

OPKs are supposed to tell you ov's about to happen in the next day or so aren't they? In which case tomorrow night may be fine. Definitely no harm in giving it a try!

My brother's missus is updiffed. I should be happy for them but I've cried all the way home in the car and feel like shit.

I had to tell them about the mc as there wasn't really any other way of explaining my stunned silence :(

And to top it all I am mid-WOOFL and therefore cannot hit the gin (although this may be a good thing in the long run)

Bah humbug

Bitey you had better be diffed, I need some proof that us wizened old hags can still do it!!

Oh Owly, that's horrible :(. What did they say? I think it's the wood and planks aisle at the back of the store where no one goes

Bitey remind me how wizened and old you actually are pliz.

I just spent 5 minutes looking in the mirror trying to decide if I looked diffed. Have resolved to POAS the day after tomorrow if queasy tomorrow. I fear I may be as sad and mad and deluded as Mary Tudor.