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Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

204 replies

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 13:44

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

OP posts:
ratatouillemousesqueak · Yesterday 21:46

You sounds really lovely and trying your best to keep everyone happy. I love how you talk about your DIL. But In the process you’ve lost your Christmas and that feels really sad. Sad for your DH too as it’s sounds like he enjoyed cooking his roast.

they do seem a bit rude. Lots of great suggestions on here on how to tackle. I think you should do Christmas your way and then invite them to bring their bits.

You’re not a doormat. You’re a loving parent who wants a calm Christmas.

Make this one for you though ❤️

SquirrelGG · Yesterday 21:49

AtIusvue · Yesterday 18:15

They sound like teenagers, not middle aged adults. They should be embarrassed by their demanding behaviour.

This. I wouldn't dream of dictating to my parents, or anyone else, what they cooked for Christmas dinner - even when I was a teenager!

You either go away for Christmas, suggest one of them hosts, or tell them that they can bring all the ingredients for their own food and cook it themselves (at a different time to when your DH is cooking). It is possible to have a pleasant Christmas without turning yourself inside out to please everyone else.

Worriednanof1 · Yesterday 21:50

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 13:44

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

I think you'll find no VEGANS eat dairy

SquirrelGG · Yesterday 22:02

WhatNextImScared · Yesterday 15:05

Exactly.

It’s actually not that difficult and many of us are managing this every day of the year.

If it's not that difficult then why aren't OP's family hosting Christmas?

What is happening is that they are taking advantage of her hosting every year, making ridiculous demands (they don't have allergies and are not "normal" vegans) and acting like spoiled brats.

There is no way Christmas preparations should be this stressful for anyone - and adult children's preferences do not outweigh parents' entitlement to a stress free and enjoyable day, especially when they are doing the hosting.

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