Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

[ThisWiseRobin]

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

Oh my word I know how you feel. There’s 15 of us. We have 2 vegans, 1 vegetarian, 1 gluten free and dairy free (genuine intolerances) 1 can’t eat spicy food, 3 who’ll eat anything and lots of picky small grandchildren. I usually do Boxing Day though and make a buffet so there’s something for everyone. But I’m absolutely terrified of accidentally feeding the vegans something I shouldn’t.

I think I’d be inclined to ask them to send you list of what they’d like and go from there or ask them to food shop when they get to you.

Point taken..but plenty starters without these items. Probably more difficult with the main tho...but if u get starters n desserts n make main at home with no garlic or onion. My husband is allergic to onion so we never use it.

They sound like teenagers, not middle aged adults. They should be embarrassed by their demanding behaviour.

I'm not saying you're a terrible parent for trying to create a lovely Christmas for your kids, I'm asking why ALL of them are so terrible? Were they spoilt?

You've also made some odd, questionable comments (oh my DIL is lovely, if ONLY she'd eat a burger - that's not in the slightest bit funny to vegans, so maybe your distain for them is more apparent than you think, hence them not treating you very well).

Hand wring all you like, but something has gone wrong somewhere.

@ThisWiseRobin Tell them your kitchen and half of the fridge is available and they can use it to cook then tidy and wash up afterwards.
Tell them you'll have your traditional dinner on Boxing day instead.
I'm so sorry for you having to put up with such rigid dietary fads. It must make you want to smack them around the back of the head with a halibut! (or a turkey drumstick) 💐

Book yourself a trip away!!!

Yep. Although I wouldn't mind hearing their sides. I would imagine it would differ considerably.

The kids need to contribute to costs though as this will be pricey!

I see you've had a lot of good advice already. Regarding the train though, when our children were small, my husband and I made lasagne at home for 13 in 3 disposable foil trays and froze it. It then travelled in a cool bag with ice packs 6 hours with us on the train to my in-laws, including crossing London. It was no big deal and reheated perfectly on arrival. I think my husband might even have made homemade garlic bread to go with it when we arrived. I agree with others that you've been putting far too much on yourself and that your children could do far more to help ease the load. Hope this Christmas is a happier one for you.

Can they not shop once they arrive? And/or order food online?
But actually, I just wouldn’t have them. I’ve no issue with veganism and often eat vegan myself, but couldn’t cook without garlic, onions, nightshades (which includes potatoes, by the way).

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

why? Why did you throw perfectly good food away?

just tell him to eat it or starve. Stop pandering.

also, nightshades are tomatoes I belive. So they’ve banned the basic foodstuffs of nearly every dish. So stop catering for their nonsense.

Nightshades is a family of fruits/vegetables, including tomatoes, potatoes, aubergines and peppers (there may be more, I don’t know).

Heavens to Betsy - this is bonkers. I realised my parents had (had enough!) done their share of Christmas and hosted from then on. All participants invited - all graciously accepted. Eat what you want/don’t want and enjoy the celebration. It’s not all about food. Let your dear mother enjoy being with you all (without having to cook) on Christmas Day.

This is what you need @ThisWiseRobin

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Cook a turkey and vegetables and let them sort themselves out.

Dear Jesus - so the kids have banned all foodstuffs really then.

OP - go on holiday. Don’t subject yourself to this nonetheless.

I would be so so so so so so happy to have my mum and dad here this Christmas. Just as it used to be before they died

Please , @ThisWiseRobin, tell the selfish people in your life to stop being annoying pricks and to appreciate you and your old fella because you're both wonderful

The only way to have a Merry Christmas is to be honest with them , tell them how difficult they are and how much you are dreading it.
Scraping £80 of salads into the bin is insane unless someone is so allergic they will die, if he was my son he would have been on the next train to London, do not pass go do not collect £200. You are lying down with welcome emblazoned across your chest, how can you make Christmas joyful when your son, daughter and their families are so joyless and entitled?
You are putting yourself in an impossible position, it will be miserable if you continue to fail to stand up for yourself. I would be tempted to say- it's traditional Christmas dinner cooked by my husband, or you need to stay at home and cook things the way you want them
Or I would say we are going away this year you, need to fend for yourself.

Easy enough to find normal vegan Christmas dinners in Waitrose/M&S/Cook etc but I would think almost impossible to find one that also doesn't contain garlic, nuts, nightshades etc. What do they actually eat? If your DH doesn't want them cooking at yours, perhaps you could ask for a safe list of ingredients and put together some meals over the next couple of months and freeze them so you have a stash of things you can heat up for them over Christmas

I do think that there comes a point with some people where you have to be honest and tell them that you find some of their behaviour too difficult. In this case I think you should tell them that you aren't able to cater to them, not that you won't, that you aren't able to.

Needy people can have needs that are simply beyond another person's skill set to give them.

How old are you? Stuff it ( pardon the pun). They bring their own.

What a lot of absolute bollocks.

Have the guts to say no.

Oh God, seriously, just stop pandering to them. I am a cook, a caterer, want everyone to be happy and will rise to the challenge of a picky eater or a vegan, but dear God, there are limits. Tell them in advance you aren't hosting this year. Broach it WELL in advance. Say 'can we come to you this year? It's getting a bit much to cater to so many different needs, it's so much easier if we bring our own food to you and you just sort your own food.'

Or just go on a lovely holiday, the two of you. Or have Christmas Day the two of you and your lovely traditional dinner and offer to host them Boxing Day with a 'Bring Your Own Leftovers' potluck thing. Stop being a martyr. And tell your DIL 'Sssh! Don't start with that! It's Christmas! Politics and any topic likely to cause arguments is strictly off the table today. Anyone for charades or a Love Actually?

I think tomatoes and potatoes are nightshade vegetables. Tomatoes, for sure. Some people believe they lead to inflammation.

It’s not really about having guts.its about keeping the family together and happy