Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

[ThisWiseRobin]

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

Bloody hell, I like cooking a proper Christmas dinner for the family, but no way would I do this! Can you not book a break away and tell them, sorry, but it’s too much for you?

I have a DSis who is incredibly fussy and always has been - no gluten or dairy, plus all the FODMAP restrictions - but at least she’ll eat a steak or a piece of fish, plus she loves good GF sausages (lives across the pond where she can’t get them) and masses of new potatoes.

Either you say "this is getting too much for us to do annually so we will only be hosting every other/3 years from now on". If you do want to see them why not co-ordinate food, they can all do an online shop and have it delivered to your house before christmas, that way expensive/fussy tastes are catered to and you won't have the headache of trying to cater to so many fussy tastes. As you are getting older they can all cook their own food to their own requirements, you provide the venue and they host you should be how it works.

We do similar with our parent's granted we all live nearby but we all (3 siblings plus families) bring part of the Xmas dinner cooked with us so my parent's aren't doing it all. There are a couple of allergies in the mix so those people can make stuff that is "safe" to eat and my parent's (mainly mum) isnt stressing over it all. It also shares the cost too, no one is forking out for everything.

I just knew it would be religiously imposed eating restrictions. They are really difficult to accommodate. I have a friends whose In-Laws expect her to keep a set of vegan pans and crockery especially for their visits and to keep the house vegan for the entire duration of their stay. So unreasonable especially when their young grandchild who lives there has additional dietary requirements that already require mental gymnastics. Grandparents wouldn't be expected to eat the non-vegan, non allium food just accept it is being cooked.

You really don't have to do it hosing in the old style anymore and I do hope your conversations about it go well. Maybe one of your kids is actually keen to host?

I've been trying to host for years but instead my relatives keep telling me how annoying travelling at Christmas is (I know i've been doing it for 25 years) and even now there are more of us in the South East we're still all traipsing up to the frozen north.. Gah.

Ive not read everything but yes I think book a holiday.

They sound very selfish and entitled.

You and your dh should go away somewhere for a traditional christmas and new year, what about up north in scotland.

Or go abroad for some sunshine.

You cant please selfish people so dont stress yourself.

Just because someone is autistic doesnt give them the right to insult anyone in topics of conversation.

Dont host them.

Go away and have a super time doing what YOU want and eating what YOU want

OP just saying potatoes are nightshades!
Your son doesn't know his botany.

I was a vegetarian then vegan thirty years ago. It was really hard work. It's easier now with ready made.

I would make them a mushroom tart. Gluten free flour.

I'm 60 and recovering from serious illness. I do a curry party for my extended family every year.
I'm not this year but people are welcome to visit but they'll be bringing their own. Two were super rude last year and DH has banned one person.

We're a political household (DS works in Westminster) but in the main we agree. We put on GB news and shout at the telly.

No is a complete sentence and I like the TOFTS (too old for this shit).

Cook your own Xmas dinner that you like. Have your drinks.
They can select what they want to eat. And order it and have it delivered to you.

Mine have started taking a meal each to cook when they are here. It works very well and they liaise with each other about particular concerns. Sometimes they shop for it too, although they have stayed beyond 27th so far. That will probably change. We don’t have anyone exceptionally fussy, though there are a few likes and dislikes. It normally gets sorted ok. It’s a relief not to cook on my own.

Agreed, don’t be there! They’re in their 40s! They can make their own dinners! If you really want to commit then ask them to bring a vegan dish and you'll add vegetables to it!

My BF is an equally fussy vegan who also won't eat garlic, beans, lentils or chickpeas, or any carbs apart from rice, so cooking for her is a challenge! I inevitably find myself making some kind of curry (there's an amazing baked aubergine curry recipe on BBC Good Food that I've done a few times). I feel for you! I've done a nut roast before too that turned out quite well.

And totally get why Christmas needs to be special if your own childhood memories of them are miserable. It's lovely that your adult kids still come to you - I take it they don't (yet) have kids of their own? My suggestion would just be to buy everything from the vegan Christmas range at Aldi/M&S/wherever. Aldi did a nice vegan sausage wreath last year which you could make look pretty as a centrepiece. No idea if it had garlic in it though!

Being vegan doesn’t have anything to do with half of those food rules.
They are all in their 40’s. Just don’t do it any more. Book a nice break away for you and husband over the Christmas break.

You are all welcome to come for Christmas as always. As me and your stepdad are retired we are now used to doing things at our own pace and have thought about what we can manage with our health. We want to enjoy Christmas.

To help things go smoothly we are putting in some house rules. If they don't suit you and you would prefer to do your own Christmas, we won't be slightly offended and we can arrange a meet up before/after Christmas Day.

1. We are making xxx for Christmas Dinner at xxx time. We will all be eating together at the table. Anyone who needs or wants to eat anything different will need to buy and prep this beforehand to add to the spread. Please let us know so we can plan what we buy accordingly to reduce food waste.

1. Kitchen will be step dads domain between x and y times

1. I respect that you are vegan and alcohol free. I'm not. I'll be eating and drinking the things I enjoy and you are welcome to share anything I have that. If you need or prefer food I don't usually buy you will need to organise this yourself. You are welcome to order yourself an online food delivery to my house before you arrive, just check the date and time with me when you book so I can arrange to be in.

1. There will be no phones at the table at Christmas Dinner. It's only a couple of hours.

1. Christmas will be a politics/religious free zone. I want to protect my peace in my own house.

Your son's veganism reminds me of Indians I hosted who were "true vegetarians" - the term they used, don't know if it's official. They sent a list of goods they couldn't eat. The caterers replied (to me) saying a list of what they could eat would be easier 😅
Maybe ask an Indian community in your nearest big town?

Sorry but I find it hard to feel sympathy - no way would I let my grown adult children dictate my household like that. The food you cook is the food you cook, if they don't like it they are welcome to order a good delivery to your house and they can prep and make their own meals. Your husband will just have to put up with it.

Or, book a holiday and sod off somewhere sunny every year, that would be my preference

Or TELL them you've booked a holiday and have a lovely day blasting out the carols, eating pigs in blankets and drinking copious quantities of booze waiting for the turkey to cook while discussing the Trussel Trust Christmas gifts for Muslim migrants dilemma, "any Christian voting for Trump is insane: discuss" and what would happen if Jesus was born today.

Ask them to bring their own pudding etc.

Ground rules - no phones allowed at mealtimes. If your son is on the phone to his dad, tell him to ring him later.

Don't buy in, and cut down on what you make salad and soup wise, keep it simple. They can always pop out and buy something for themselves.

You didn't need to throw all the salad in the bin either, if you and your DH would have eaten it.

I’ve come really late to this thread, so am probably just repeating somebody else (apologies if so) but I don’t think that a polite text along the lines of ‘as me and DH get older I wonder if we could shake up how we do Xmas a little bit, we love hosting you all but I'm finding the catering quite stressful. Could we have a chat about food and maybe work out a plan for everybody bringing and preparing a few things?’

Nothing unreasonable at all about that and I wouldn’t be offended by it at all.

Being a vegan or vegetarian does not mean being a pain in the derrière! Tell them well before hand what you are/arent willing to cook and its take it or leave it! Personally I love garlic and onions and eat them at most evening meals but I cannot (sadly) tolerate nuts for a medical reason. so by and large although I am veggie, I am relatively easy to cater for. sorry to say that your lot sound unnecessarily difficult

This sounds like an absolute nightmare. Just why would you put yourself through this? Go to them and let them cater or tell them you're spending it in a cottage with one bedroom in the Highlands. Life is far too short for this horror and rudeness.

I appreciate you love your children, but Christ on a bike, they sound pretty entitled.

Book yourselves into a nice hotel for Christmas and invite them to join you at the hotel restaurant. The restaurant can cater for all of their dietary demands and they can pay their own bill.
They're 40, not 10.

You and your husband sound lovely. I get you! Im 60 and the past 2 Xmas days I have worked. Everyone had to do their own thing! This year I'll be at home cooking dinner for 3 adult children and their partners. No strange requests other than 1 person is coeliac.
I will do it and it will be nice, but I don't look forward to it atall.
I think you and DH deserve a nice Xmas cruise😉

Tell them to fuck off . Bollocks to that .

I never look forward to Christmas either. A prolonged period with extended family members, all with their quirks and annoyances, all under one roof, is quite stressful to me. Like you, I feel that I have to work hard to keep the peace and make things tick along.

I can only thank my lucky stars I don't also have vegans and picky eaters to contend with, because it's bad enough without.

If I had my way, Christmas would look very different to how we do it, but we have to do it a particular way due to the age and distances of family members. I wish it was only once every other year!

Are there families where everyone just gets along and enjoys each others company and have a genuinely lovely Christmas together every year? I'm really intrigued by this question.

Yep, agree with others. Make an announcement now, you are not hosting Christmas/are away. Where is your ideal Christmas amongst this people pleasing? We had everyone over last year but we aren't doing it again as it takes us away from spending Christmas morning with our kids and people stay too late at night.

Glad that you have a solution that works for you OP. My suggestion would have been to have a quiet Christmas without family and let them host/have their own. Maybe its time for them to start their own traditions with their families, and then meet up on Boxing Day or the day after. We always used to do the family thing on Christmas Day, everyone to my parents and in later years my sister always hosted. But it was fun (to a point) but it was also stressful. Once we started to do our own thing on the day, I think everyone started to enjoy Christmas day more. Just a thought for next year. You also really appreciate the work that goes into making Christmas Day memorable, when you have to do it for yourself one year.