Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

[ThisWiseRobin]

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

@ThisWiseRobin
Hubby and yourself should book yourselves into one of those cosy log fires, scrumptious food, twinkly lights, gorgeous little shops/cafes nearby sort of hotels and just thoroughly kick back and enjoy Christmas!
Are you seriously telling me that your beloved children et al don't know the troubles that you go through every single time?
And how on earth do they all manage in the real world?
Go get yourself a well-deserved break
Your message really shows what a lovely person you are and deserve none of this every single year that it happens

I’m dreading it too. The expense, the mess and having to be nice to people I have not much in common with. Glad it’s only once a year

But none of it sounds very festive! Apples for dessert on Christmas Day? A cauliflower “steak” as your main? Give over. Also potatoes are nightshades as other people have said

I think @HettyMeg has encapsulated the issue: it's fine to have your own food requirements, but letting them spoil other people's day and cause undue stress is not on.

It IS just a lump of cauliflower with maybe a couple of pomegranate seeds and some tahini. No different from a cauliflower cheese really is it - which is a side dish although I do happen to think DOES belong on a Christmas dinner

How incredibly kind of you to do this. I'm not a fan of AI but sometimes it really comes up trumps.
Bless you x

Sounds horrendous, tell them you’re going away and mean it or that you’ve done your share of hosting and will go to them.

Stop it !!! Now I've got something in my eye.
You know what love for your children is. You take all their shit on the chin to spend time with them.

You'll never guess what
Dad and I have booked to go away this Christmas, we are away from the 23rd until the 27th
We felt like a shake up and im sure you will all get together without us if your keen to follow traditions.

Send by text now to all of them or put int he family whatsapp

its not selfish to do something different

This. No way would I tolerate this level of fuckery.

That's a good question. My daughter has a massive house and kitchen. But she also has a stressful job and I want to try and let her relax over Christmas as its a real break for her. Difficult in laws on her side so I don't want to add to her stress.

Yes, I can understand this OP.

Would it help to do Christmas "their" way, and you and DH have a lovely traditional Christmas meal out together just before or after they arrive? You can relax and enjoy it then, without worrying whether the waft of garlic is distressing anyone.

I have a friend like this, and we all make efforts to ensure she has what she can eat, but she is forever swooping into other people's kitchens and objecting to what is being prepared for others, making sure it hasn't spattered near her food etc, and it does bring a level of tension and anxiety to the whole thing.

That's an outstanding idea i think of Picky bits. Your idea is absolutely genius.

I think I’d be saying, “after years of hosting, DH and I have decided to take it in turns to come to each of your homes for Christmas from now on.” And let them deal with the hassle of hosting everyone! There are people who will literally be on the streets starving this Christmas.

But send it to them and let them pick and order the food that they actually like, or bring their own.
in fact if there is nothing they want to pick and order just say ‘ we had a tough time catering last year, this year I am doing X menu, anyone that wants something different please bring your own dishes’

I’d literally tell them nope.

Tell them to order food to be delivered at your house and then they can cook it all. Tell them you are having a year off from cooking Christmas dinner.

I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.

I imagine what most people are thinking is you should tell them to do one. And this year you and their daddy will be jetting off for a Caribbean Christmas.

The problem here isn't veganism, the problem here is a complete lack of gratitude and consideration towards you @ThisWiseRobin.

In addition, ASD doesn't give carte blanche to be rude and insulting.

I think a conversation with your son, independent of Christmas, is required. I'm assuming he doesn't turn into a precious baby just when BST ends? His attitude is awful. Tell him you'd appreciate a smidgen of the tolerant compassion he shows his wife. And to either bring his own bloody food or make alternative arrangements for Christmas.

Book a holiday and wave them goodbye for now. I couldn’t be bothered with this faff. 👍

You need to give your son some money towards therapy to deal with his eating disorder.

I know that sounds bitchy, but that was the first thing that jumped out at me. And I'm a foodie cook from a family with a lot of allergies, religious requirements etc, and I'm quite happy to be accomodating.

Eating disorders are underdiagnosed in men fwiw.

I would go with option 3 on this OP!

You don't have to do it. Swerve it and go away if you fancy it! I do understand that you probably want to see your children though

This.

What absolute brats. They should be ashamed of themselves.

meh. He's 40. He KNOWS they will wait because that is what polite people do. He's a twat.

If you don't want to do what so many are suggesting and go away for Christmas, you need to tell your children they have to cook for themselves if they aren't willing to eat what you would normally make. For years now our two (now mid-50s) have done most of the cooking if they come for Christmas with their families. Sounds like it's time for yours to step up and do the same.