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Original poster

Leaving relative alone for Christmas - feeling guilty

318 replies

WakeupWho · 24/12/2025 06:11

Just read a thread where posters were talking about tolerating relatives on Christmas Day so they wouldn't have to be alone and now getting very guilty and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

At home there's just me, DH and 20yo DD. For years now we've spent Christmas Day just the 3 of us and seen family either side. My parents have always lived near us but my brother and DHs family live an almost 5 hour drive away. Years ago we used to live in the same town but moved away so can no longer see everyone on Christmas Day.

We used to alternate who we spent Christmas with but toxic MIL used to get jealous when it was my parents turn so we decided to please ourselves, seeing my parents on Christmas Eve, the rest of the family just after Christmas and having a peaceful Christmas Day just the 3 of us. I much prefer this as all 3 of us are ND and find gatherings stressful at the best of times.

Come to now and my father passed away 2 years ago - the first year we took my mother away to where the rest of the family live so we could have Christmas all together but it was extremely stressful, for all concerned not just us so no-one wanted to do it again. Now we've gone back to our old pattern so due to see my mother today and then have tomorrow alone for the 3 of us.

My mother won't even see my brother over the whole Christmas time as she's decided it's too stressful to make the trip (she's in her 80s), even the after Christmas one which we invited her on, and my brother can never be bothered to travel up to see her (he does occasionally at other times but never over Christmas/Dec-Jan).

Am I being really cruel leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day? She says she doesn't mind but that doesn't help because she has a history of not saying how she feels and it coming out in little hints much later so I can't rely on that. I don't want to be cruel to anyone but I'm also feeling the burden of it being my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

OP posts:
MumChp · 24/12/2025 06:18

No it's not your responsibility to keep everyone happy.

Slothey · 24/12/2025 06:23

Tbh, I would have included your mum. She’s not the ‘toxic’ one, and geography means there’s a perfect reason to have her over but not your brother.

Sure, make sure your immediate family is happy. But in doing so, your recently widowed mother is nearby but lonely. That’s not a nice thing to do.

Gettoachiro · 24/12/2025 06:24

I'd invite her for the day. If she says no then that's up to her and just go ahead and keep things as they are.

Things have changed and sometimes we should too.

smilingeleanor · 24/12/2025 06:24

It's not your responsibility but she's your mother, in her 80s and will be alone on xmas day. How 'stressful' can it be having g her over for xmas day instead of xmas eve? I think it's selfish and unkind - unless she was a terrible mother and there's trauma .

Nonamenoplacetogo · 24/12/2025 06:25

Yes, have your mother over for Christmas lunch if she lives locally and is on her own. Pick her up and arrange a time to take her back in early evening. She is in her 80s, enjoy the time you have with her.
.

Seahorsesplendour · 24/12/2025 06:26

It isn’t your responsibility , if your mom isn’t being honest then that’s her choice. You have the right to choose too. I think it’s also natural to feel guilty.

So you can choose to acknowledge & accept the guilt & move on or change plans to avoid the guilt. There are negatives and positives either way.

maybe discussing it with your DH & DD to make sure you’re all on the same page moght help you feel less guilty.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas 🎄💐

TaffetaPhrases · 24/12/2025 06:28

Assuming there’s no massive backstory- I couldn’t have done that to my mum, no. She died three years ago and Christmas is very hard for me.

I think you’re being really cruel actually… two years is nothing in grief terms.

Bunnybear42 · 24/12/2025 06:30

I personally think if your mother lives near you, you should probably also see her Xmas day if she is otherwise alone. My mother is extremely difficult, at times selfish and hysterical but can often go through spells of being easygoing (not often though 😂) (shes 81, DF died 13 years ago) but I would hate to see her alone during Xmas particularly as such cold dark and depressing months where I think loneliness is particularly felt. I saw her yesterday, will be popping in just for a cup of tea today, tomorrow taking her to extended family for actual day with us all. Sister then having her for lunch on 27th and then we are taking her to a national trust house on New Year’s Eve. It’s a shame you brother can’t visit !
Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow

Hdpr · 24/12/2025 06:33

She lives near you, I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t invite her

susiedaisy1912 · 24/12/2025 06:33

Have your mother over for Xmas lunch. Your DD is learning from you how to treat her parents on Xmas day. It may be your turn one day.

Sweetiedarling7 · 24/12/2025 06:33

I think you should invite your mum.

PermanentTemporary · 24/12/2025 06:37

I don’t think what you’re doing is bad at all. But you could offer again, a bit more like ‘it would be great to see you on Christmas Day Mum shall we bring you over for the meal?’

That being said, I don’t really mind the thought of being alone on Christmas Day myself.

firstofallimadelight · 24/12/2025 06:38

Can’t you just invite your mum to yours? Mil doesn’t have to know and even if she did you can say your mum is alone so she’s coming to you.

TheCurious0range · 24/12/2025 06:40

I couldn't do it. We have my gran who is 86 over every Christmas since my grandad died, she actually had immediate family living close to her but they don't invite her for Christmas, never mind she had all of us for years when we were young, and the local ones right up to Covid when grandad got ill. She loves a family Christmas and whilst she said the first year I asked what she was doing for the day, that she'd be fine home alone. She jumped at the invitation to come to us. She arrives today, we have panto this morning, then we'll take her for lunch when she arrives then to church for crib service. I don't care if anyone else feels a certain way about her being invited I wouldn't leave her alone at Christmas.

Gremlins101 · 24/12/2025 06:41

Assuming shes a half decent mother (sounds like she is) there's no way I could leave her alone on xmas day. Nor my husband his.

muddyford · 24/12/2025 06:42

I couldn't do it. It would break my heart, thinking either widowed parent was alone at such a time.

ChateauProvence · 24/12/2025 06:46

unless there is some massive back story about how your mum was a terrible mother and abusive then yes you are being very unreasonable to leave your mum alone at Christmas. Actually quite disgusting.

Sandyoldshoes · 24/12/2025 06:47

Yes, obviously you should invite her for Christmas lunch. Phone her as soon as she’s up.

MikeRafone · 24/12/2025 06:48

Xmas to me I would invite my mum for Xmas lunch and then fetch her and either drop her back tea time or get an uber.

not inviting a widowed mother for Xmas lunch for a few hours seem like a very hostile relationship

Original poster
WakeupWho · 24/12/2025 06:49

Thanks for the replies, sounds like I'm being unreasonable so will reconsider.

Realise I'm dripfeeding now but didn't think to put it in originally but my mother isn't the typical widow so I don't think she's struggling without my father. She actually said she was glad he'd 'finally gone' and is feeling free without him which I find quite cruel - they were 'only married for the kids' and I know my father was grumpy and narcissistic but I still find that hurtful because he was still my father and I'm grieving but my mother, and brother, think I'm being ridiculous because it's a 'relief' he's gone. I didn't want to make the first post really long with all the backstory but she's not a grieving widow as such.

Still, can see it's unreasonable to leave her alone. Would it be fair to tell my brother he should be with her for next Christmas? He has a partner but and two (adult and long moved out) daughters but they have no families of their own yet and do their own thing for Christmas. He barely does anything for my mother and I'm feeling the strain.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 24/12/2025 06:52

So your mother had been widowed, is local, in her 80s, and you have to ask. Whatever happened to the spirit of Christmas? Assuming she didn't knock ten bells out of you throughout your childhood.

PermanentTemporary · 24/12/2025 06:55

I wouldn’t tell him he ‘should’ do it but I would certainly say ‘how long are you going to have mum with you next year’?

Grief is very muddled. You can be happy to be in a different situation and still feel very alone.

Hairyfairy01 · 24/12/2025 07:00

I think you are being pretty harsh. I would offer to pick her up mid morning and have her for the day. I can’t imagine being a recently widowed 80 year old mother and grandmother, with family living reasonably near by, yet being on my own all day and night.

SleafordSods · 24/12/2025 07:01

I’d have her over around 11/12 and drop her back around 3.

Hundslappadrifa · 24/12/2025 07:01

It’s cruel of you to leave her alone. No one is perfect and your daughter will assume it’s fine to leave you alone, when it’s your turn to be old. YADBU. Just because she says she’ll be fine, doesn’t mean she actually means it.