Leaving relative alone for Christmas - feeling guilty

[WakeupWho]

Just read a thread where posters were talking about tolerating relatives on Christmas Day so they wouldn't have to be alone and now getting very guilty and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

At home there's just me, DH and 20yo DD. For years now we've spent Christmas Day just the 3 of us and seen family either side. My parents have always lived near us but my brother and DHs family live an almost 5 hour drive away. Years ago we used to live in the same town but moved away so can no longer see everyone on Christmas Day.

We used to alternate who we spent Christmas with but toxic MIL used to get jealous when it was my parents turn so we decided to please ourselves, seeing my parents on Christmas Eve, the rest of the family just after Christmas and having a peaceful Christmas Day just the 3 of us. I much prefer this as all 3 of us are ND and find gatherings stressful at the best of times.

Come to now and my father passed away 2 years ago - the first year we took my mother away to where the rest of the family live so we could have Christmas all together but it was extremely stressful, for all concerned not just us so no-one wanted to do it again. Now we've gone back to our old pattern so due to see my mother today and then have tomorrow alone for the 3 of us.

My mother won't even see my brother over the whole Christmas time as she's decided it's too stressful to make the trip (she's in her 80s), even the after Christmas one which we invited her on, and my brother can never be bothered to travel up to see her (he does occasionally at other times but never over Christmas/Dec-Jan).

Am I being really cruel leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day? She says she doesn't mind but that doesn't help because she has a history of not saying how she feels and it coming out in little hints much later so I can't rely on that. I don't want to be cruel to anyone but I'm also feeling the burden of it being my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

So disgusting and unimaginable!

It seems that you will be set at ease having your mother with you.
Welcome her and coddle her this Christmas.
Yes, tell your brother that he should include her in his Christmas plans next year.

I would have always assumed that a local, recently widowed, elderly mother would enjoy the kindness of her daughter extending a Christmas invitation.

It sounds like you’re not inviting your elderly mother and leaving her alone on Xmas day so your MIL won’t be jealous? If you’re happy to see her Xmas eve and she’s done nothing wrong, why are you punishing her for someone else’s behaviour? Being ND isn’t an excuse to be unkind - just arrange the day so you’ve down time at various points to decompress.

You're feeling guilty because you're doing something wrong. Just having your mother over isn't going to be anywhere near as overwhelming as the big family Christmas's were. I don't think there's any good reason to leave her alone.

The word narcissistic is quite a red flag there - your mum probably didn't have the easiest life being married to someone with that personality type

I would have her over. Maybe part of the day, I would struggle to leave a member of my family alone.

OP, I’m not sure how you can insist your brother has your mother for Christmas next year when you have happily opted out in the past to be just the three of you. You live locally and your elderly mother doesn’t want to travel. Just have your cosy family unit day on Christmas Eve or Boxing day and invite your mother for Christmas lunch like anyone with half a heart would do.

Also how could you even enjoy yourself sitting in your pyjamas (which is pretty weird in itself) while your elderly mother who you admit is a decent mum sits on her own? To get back at your useless brother? You do you I guess but you did ask so part of you must know it’s wrong too.

It's completely your call. Maybe ask her what she wants to do. I see my mum every Christmas and even when my gran was housebound and couldn't get out we went to see her on Christmas Day

Your mum might not care about being part of your plans tomorrow and be more than happy to see you today instead. I'd give her the choice tbh

You did ask op so will give you my opinion..Whether your mother is missing your dad or not, it is a long lonely day for an elderly person to be alone on Christmas day. If you haven't invited her she is probably saying what you want to hear when she says she doesn't mind. Many old people can be difficult it's true and families up and down the country have the same dilemma. You find it difficult to have her for Christmas. Managing guilty feelings on not having her is also difficult or you wouldn't have started this thread. Why not invite her for lunch, not collecting her until near lunch time and take her home afterwards. This breaks up the day for her, leaves you guilt free and leaves the rest of the afternoon and evening to have just as you like it. 🎄

my elderly dad is widowed, lives alone locally. I will pick him up about 11.30 and drop him back when he’s had enough (around 6?). Couldn’t imagine leaving him alone whilst we celebrate Christmas. He joins in as much as he wants to whilst he’s here. It’s no trouble and just part of the day. Couldn’t you do similar? Im all for putting my children First, but it does seem harsh to leave your mum alone unless she genuinely wants that

I can never comprehend these situations - abuse etc notwithstanding - where actual direct family are looked upon as irritants and somehow 'other' and not really part of the family. This isn't some random second cousin thrice removed, she's your mother and your child's grandmother.

My mother might not be my most favourite person in the world - I will freely admit that - but if she was going to be on her own on Christmas Day and for some reason couldn't drive I'd gladly get in the car and drive the four hours there and back to collect her and have her stay over.

You can sit in your pyjamas on Boxing Day, the weekend, or indeed any other weekend throughout the year if you want to. Christmas Day is once a year.

I couldn’t have left my mother alone on Christmas Day. Never. It wouldn’t even cross my mind, and my late DH would have agreed.

Nothing like making someone feel they're being a hindrance, is there? Why in earth would you bother for that poxy bit of time?

There are two kinds of guilt, justified guilt and unjustified guilt. Many women feel a lot of unjustified guilt and it’s appropriate to help them let go of it. In this instance though you’re feeling guilty because your conscience is telling you that you’re doing something unkind. The solution to that is to change what you’re doing. If you generally feel that you’re having too many demands placed on you sort it out later. Also you can talk to your brother but you can’t force him to be different and distance means he can’t do what you can. Be pragmatic and find practical solutions.

I see that you have changed you mind, OP. That's obviously entirely your choice, but I think it's a shame because you have allowed yourself to be persuaded by internet strangers who don't know you.
Let's just remind ourselves.....
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being alone at Christmas - in fact, lots of people actively enjoy the peace and quiet.
Also, it's just a day!
Finally, it's not your responsibility to make other people happy.

You are punishing your mum for your brother’s behaviour. Your mum is 80 and lots of older people find making friends and going out harder. It’s fairly common as they feel more vulnerable. I wouldn’t dream of leaving my parent on their own on Christmas day, especially if they lived locally. It’s unkind and uncaring and that is what you are modelling to your daughter.

I honestly can't understand how you would even contemplate leaving your mother on her own when she lives nearby and you get on reasonably well. You can do your pyjama day any other day. I'd be incredibly hurt if one of my children did this to me - I know you say you wouldn't mind.

I completely get this. I wouldn't want my kids to have to be everything for me either and I agree you shouldn't have to be. Do what you think is reasonable in the context of your relationship - but I would be careful about filling so many gaps she stops being able to cope herself as that is hard to do undo. Saying that - I would completely have her over for Christmas day - I would just encourage her to be more self sufficient at other times/ encourage your brother to step up.

Unless there's much more to this - why would your mental health go to hell running around after your mum? We are talking about an hour or two on Christmas day. I don't get why there has to be so much fuss over who sees one another and who's turn it is. If your mum doesn't want to travel five hours that's surely OK.

I completely understand why your mum doesn't want to do a five miles round trip to see your brother at Christmas

Your husband doesn't see his mum at Christmas because she's toxic - sounds pretty miserable all round

My also-widowed mum is arriving in the next hour or so. She's 70 (DF passed away 8 years ago).
There's no way on earth I could leave her home alone on Christmas day. She's got her sister near where she lives, and I'm certain one of that side of the family would scoop her up if I couldn't, but that's not the point. She's my mum.

That being said, my older sister, who actually lives closer to mum than I do, wouldn't have given a singular shiny shit if mum was home alone. Her and her partner are both ND and by far the least family-orientated, anti-social people I know. They are begrudgingly coming for Boxing Day lunch under duress.
We wouldn't mind if they were in fact going to spend the day with HIS elderly, recently widowed mum, who has recently moved into sheltered flats. But nope.

All this talk of "sitting around in pyjamas" is making my teeth itch, it's just all so incredibly twee, used by the same people who talk about "their little family" to clear them of being utterly selfish when not bothered about other people...just awful!

Op, if sitting around in your pyjamas means more to you than including your elderly, widowed mum, especially if you're shoehorning her into an allotted time slot and keeping one eye on the click so you can shove her out the door, then you crack on but don't bleat on about feeling guilty, you know how badly you're behaving.
(And your brother is an arsehole)

*clock!

I get it, I find Xmas very stressful and we are a ND household. But honestly, I think you need to make the effort on Christmas day. Totally fine to ring fence other days though.

I think this is really sad and cruel of you - I could never have left my mum alone on Christmas Day - it would have ruined my day thinking of her being alone, even more so if she’d recently lost her lifelong partner. If I’d ever asked her if she would be ok being alone on Christmas Day, sure my Mum would have said she would be fine, but that would have been because she wouldn’t have wanted to be a burden and I think she would have been beyond hurt at not being invited for the day. Maybe your mum is saying she doesn’t mind being on her own because she’s realised she’s not wanted.