Leaving relative alone for Christmas - feeling guilty

[WakeupWho]

Just read a thread where posters were talking about tolerating relatives on Christmas Day so they wouldn't have to be alone and now getting very guilty and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

At home there's just me, DH and 20yo DD. For years now we've spent Christmas Day just the 3 of us and seen family either side. My parents have always lived near us but my brother and DHs family live an almost 5 hour drive away. Years ago we used to live in the same town but moved away so can no longer see everyone on Christmas Day.

We used to alternate who we spent Christmas with but toxic MIL used to get jealous when it was my parents turn so we decided to please ourselves, seeing my parents on Christmas Eve, the rest of the family just after Christmas and having a peaceful Christmas Day just the 3 of us. I much prefer this as all 3 of us are ND and find gatherings stressful at the best of times.

Come to now and my father passed away 2 years ago - the first year we took my mother away to where the rest of the family live so we could have Christmas all together but it was extremely stressful, for all concerned not just us so no-one wanted to do it again. Now we've gone back to our old pattern so due to see my mother today and then have tomorrow alone for the 3 of us.

My mother won't even see my brother over the whole Christmas time as she's decided it's too stressful to make the trip (she's in her 80s), even the after Christmas one which we invited her on, and my brother can never be bothered to travel up to see her (he does occasionally at other times but never over Christmas/Dec-Jan).

Am I being really cruel leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day? She says she doesn't mind but that doesn't help because she has a history of not saying how she feels and it coming out in little hints much later so I can't rely on that. I don't want to be cruel to anyone but I'm also feeling the burden of it being my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

As someone who’s grandparents were ill and relied one my mam for everything from me being young. They were constantly in and out hospital (both mental health and general hospital) and my mam was an only child I do get what you mean. We used to share the load, when I was older my mam and dad used to go on ‘holiday’ an hour up the road on my days so I could be on call.
i saw and spent so much time at that many hospitals that I ended up becoming a nurse.
Speaking to my mam, she said if she didn’t do that for her parents she would have regretted it.
i know my mam and dad did the best for all of us.
My dad ended up being the only one to do things for his parents (his sister didn’t at all) my sister and I also helped share my grandma died around a year ago).

Seeing my parents do this from a small age, it didn’t set a bad example. I know I couldn’t do everything that they did for their parents at the extent they did. They are good, kind and caring people. I would have questioned if my grandparents were left alone at Christmas. See my previous post about my grandma last year.

i feel for your mother also. She’s been in an unhappy marriage for most of her life it sounds. He’s your dad and I’m sorry for your loss but you have to look at the bigger picture of his relationships with other people, no one is perfect and everyone has their flaws.

I also thought that my dad’s sister was/still is an arsehole for the way she didn’t do anything for her parents/see her parents. As when my grandma was well she practically brought up my cousins and done everything for her.

We have Christmas dinner etc, just all in pyjamas 😂

I think you're unreasonable, can't believe your even considering it to be honest. I'd do anything for my mum to be with me on Christmas day but she lives other side of the world.

Thanks for all the replies, I can see I was unreasonable and will have Christmas lunch with her and then our time later, that seems fair.

I would not leave my mother alone.
I also think your db is selfish.
As for her relief at her husband dying, surely you must know that many, many marriages of that time were not blissfully happy ones. It wasn’t like it is now. Women were derided if not married. Having a child out of wedlock was shameful. I could go on and on. I know of many women who were trapped in horrible relationships, just because she kept it from you doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

You're annoyed about tbe burden falling on you for 365 days, so you're taking it out on your mum on Christmas day. Okay then.

This sounds pretty complicated and emotion filled for you OP. I'd personally stuck to the plan you have.

You've said your mum is demanding, has said things thar have hurt you and been cruel during your grief and generally it sounds like you've been there for her loads and need a break to reset and heal your own mind. If she's still saying hurtful things, that won't make for a nice Christmas for any of you- more likely arguing.

Your posts read, to me and this may just be me, as someone who knows what she and her family needs and wants this Christmas but feels guilty and so is twisting it all up in reasons and what reads as confusing excuses.

Wow, this will be you one day.
Don’t leave her alone.
(If it makes MIL jealous dont tell her.)

And your title is misleading but perhaps reflects your feelings. I thought you were talking about some distant cousin or something, this is your mum!

Glad you have taken responses on board.m👍 Merry Christmas

Personally no, i’d never leave my mother to spend Christmas alone.

Sorry, I put relative just to be general - like leaving a mum alone is no different to leaving a dad alone iyswim, I don't think of her as any random relative but I get it looks like that now.

It sounds like you and your mum had very different experiences of losing your dad, and the lack of respect for your grieving process being different to hers is partly why you don't want to change your arrangements now.

It's not the same, but my DF and his side of the family have been so utterly unsympathetic to us having lost our oldest dog a few weeks ago, I can't bear the thought of seeing any of them until after Christmas. Their first reaction was to say it must be a relief because of how hard work Buster was when he got elderly and ill, and then cheerfully suggested we'd have more time to help out with DGM with him gone and that I could easily leave the boys in charge of the other two (younger) dogs now. The lack of care and consideration hurts, sometimes elderly parents do want it all their own way and they lose the ability to see that others' perspectives might be different.

I wasn't taking it out on her, just trying to have one day prioritising myself but I can see that's not reasonable so have changed my mind.

Stop letting your toxic mil dictate who you can and can't spend Christmas with.

Well done OP.

Fir just part of the day is fine, and yes, talk to your brother early in the year about generally giving more support for your Mum.

Happy Christmas!

She is your mother and I think it is very selfish to leave her on her own in her eighties. Could you not show some kindness on Christmas Day? ‘ND’ seems to have become an excuse for selfish behaviour. I would give anything to spend a day with my mum.

I phrased that badly, it was more like MIL gave us a reason to reassess and stop making the day a mad scramble to get from one house to another all day.

I cannot believe your mum lives near by and you are leaving her alone on Christmas day.

Do you really not like her? Why not just invite her for lunch and tell her you will drop her home at 4pm.

In all fairness I think you were trying to be fair to both sides, ie not doing something for one and not the other. Also, you no doubt have DH to consider and how he feels about having your Mum when he's not inviting his.

Moving forward, don't feel you've got to have her every Xmas Day - another year you could do Xmas Eve or Boxing Day.

Goodness me, your widowed mother lives close by but you will happily have your Christmas with your husband and daughter whilst your mother is alone, despite her previously minimising her wishes presumably so she is not a burden.

Have you always been so selfish and inflexible or is this a recent development. At some stage you may be the widowed old lady how would you like to be treated because you are modelling how your daughter may act in years to come.

You could even organise a video call with your brother on Christmas Day so your mother can see your brother, nobody is guaranteed a next Christmas.

Lord, there are some selfish people out there. I’ve had my moments with my mum but could never imagine leaving her or an in law on their own at Christmas.

I couldn’t leave my DM alone on Christmas Day. Can’t she just come to yours

Op my mum would say the same, oh don't worry about me, but really I do worry that actually she's hurting or lonely.

I'd have her over, or invite her to stay