Leaving relative alone for Christmas - feeling guilty

[WakeupWho]

Just read a thread where posters were talking about tolerating relatives on Christmas Day so they wouldn't have to be alone and now getting very guilty and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

At home there's just me, DH and 20yo DD. For years now we've spent Christmas Day just the 3 of us and seen family either side. My parents have always lived near us but my brother and DHs family live an almost 5 hour drive away. Years ago we used to live in the same town but moved away so can no longer see everyone on Christmas Day.

We used to alternate who we spent Christmas with but toxic MIL used to get jealous when it was my parents turn so we decided to please ourselves, seeing my parents on Christmas Eve, the rest of the family just after Christmas and having a peaceful Christmas Day just the 3 of us. I much prefer this as all 3 of us are ND and find gatherings stressful at the best of times.

Come to now and my father passed away 2 years ago - the first year we took my mother away to where the rest of the family live so we could have Christmas all together but it was extremely stressful, for all concerned not just us so no-one wanted to do it again. Now we've gone back to our old pattern so due to see my mother today and then have tomorrow alone for the 3 of us.

My mother won't even see my brother over the whole Christmas time as she's decided it's too stressful to make the trip (she's in her 80s), even the after Christmas one which we invited her on, and my brother can never be bothered to travel up to see her (he does occasionally at other times but never over Christmas/Dec-Jan).

Am I being really cruel leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day? She says she doesn't mind but that doesn't help because she has a history of not saying how she feels and it coming out in little hints much later so I can't rely on that. I don't want to be cruel to anyone but I'm also feeling the burden of it being my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

I was just responding to the commenter re her Mum not to the original commenter -Nowhere in my comment do I recommend what original commenter should or shouldn't do - This is why we have the quote to show exactly whom we're responding to & as aforementioned it was not for of commenter
No need to get angry at me
My Mum & dad are like chalk & cheese so know from experiences with our dad what it's like & empathise
Please don't jump down people's throats just because their opinions might be different from yours
It's not others fault if they have or had a lovely Mum & don't accuse others of doing something they're not doing, kindly!

FYI I don’t have children either.i will either be spending time with friends in same position or going on holiday if able.
Toxic and difficult are very different things you will notice in my first post I said

its sad to think that your mum who you don’t have a toxic relationship with (unless you haven’t mentioned it ) yet you knowing leave her on her own.

It’s not owing yourself to anyone it’s about treating people how you would like to be treated.

I don't have a toxic relationship with her because I keep contact low! My mum literally makes a toxic relationship with everybody unless you are bloody careful about how much time you spend around her! She has driven so much family away with her behaviour including my dad's remaining family since he died! I have to console my aunt often enough when my mum gets very toxic towards her for no reason. You would not believe the things my mum says, she will say things to provoke shock and reaction! Do you get it now? I don't have toxic relationship with her purely because I keep her at arms length! Read up on borderline personality disorder, plenty of people with BPD relatives have to cut contact all together!

Because people have kept piling on the OP and refusing to read reason! And you post a very sickly, religion filled guilt trip as though all mums are sweet angels so yes it did make me angry!

I did not,,, imply all Mums are Angels, I was only speaking from my own personal experience & empathising with the commenter to whom I actually responded - Of course I know not all Mums are Angels just's much as I also know, not all dads are Angels either - This is obviously common sense - I was not even commenting to the original commenter so having a go at me, is totally irrational & out of order - Some of my friends have fantastic fathers but just because I don't, does not give me the right to get angry at them or accuse them of guilt tripping when they speak their mind about how they would never be able to leave their fabulous fathers on their own - There was no guilt trip whatsoever from me & yes I don't have to feel ashamed for stating the truth about my own Mum being beautiful natured - I will not play that down to appease the bitter likes of you - Not once did I imply all Mums are angels so stop your wild bitter accusations towards me!

I don’t have an adult daughter, but if I did I’d hope she felt empowered to do whatever the fuck she wanted at Christmas and not bound by family or societal obligations. My parents never put any expectations on me or made me feel I owed them my company and that’s definitely something I’d repeat with my own children. Far too many people put up with stuff they would never tolerate from friends just because of “family”. If you have a good relationship and wish each other well there should be no issue with someone choosing a low key Christmas with no guests, unless you’re prone to emotional blackmail you simply accept that and look forward to the next time you see them.

My my! you are defensive aren’t you? Guilty conscience perhaps?

a shame that I touched a sore spot for you. However that’s your problem dearie

My my you are defensive are it you? Guilty conscience perhaps? I seem to have touched a nerve but that is your problem dearie

You don't read or digest a single thing do you! You are that unpleasant and manipulative person trying to find fault in someone who through no fault of their own has an abusive parent! My conscience is clear! My mum doesn't want to see people, just lately she has cancelled visits from myself and other relatives several times! What the fuck does your screwed up mind think I need to feel guilty for? Look at your behaviour! You are telling people who've spent a lifetime of being abused by a parent that they should feel guilty? Do you know what it's like to face extreme violence as a kid? Do you know what it's like to have a mother chase you with a knife and feel afraid of her everytime my dad went on business trips! My brother and didn't even get to grieve for our dad because she didn't give a fuck about us and made all about her and suicide threats! You certainly must be an abuser, only abuser would rush to defend other abusers and tell abused kids they deserved it and should feel guilty.

Also don't call people dearie, it makes you sound like a Dickensian paedophile.

i don’t feel I owe anyone my company but for me I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself knowing I had let someone be on their own.

Nothing to do with emotional blackmail or anything else just treating people with some
humanity. Loneliness can cause so much upset and can be so easily avoided.

In a world we can be anything . Be kind

Lol no. That stupid platitude can fuck right off. Why is it some kind of tragedy to be alone on Christmas anyway? That again is a societal invention.

Bugger off with your "Be Kind" nonsense.
It's just a way to shame people (mostly women) into having no boundaries.

@Stompingupthemountain and @shesaysshestiredoflifeshemustbetiredofsomething

We are clearly people with different views and priorities you do you and I hope you’re happy and I will continue doing what brings me happiness.

It's not either/or, though. Kindness and boundaries aren't mutually exclusive, it's all about balance.

@CrazyGoatLady i missed your reply, as it’s been deleted likely for the best.

Everyone has their own priorities as they are entitled. I am not saying anyone is wrong purely that it doesn’t align with something I would do.

You don't have to be quite so preachy and sanctimonious while begging to differ though. "Be kind" is such a pass ag, finger wagging thing to say.