Leaving relative alone for Christmas - feeling guilty

[WakeupWho]

Just read a thread where posters were talking about tolerating relatives on Christmas Day so they wouldn't have to be alone and now getting very guilty and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

At home there's just me, DH and 20yo DD. For years now we've spent Christmas Day just the 3 of us and seen family either side. My parents have always lived near us but my brother and DHs family live an almost 5 hour drive away. Years ago we used to live in the same town but moved away so can no longer see everyone on Christmas Day.

We used to alternate who we spent Christmas with but toxic MIL used to get jealous when it was my parents turn so we decided to please ourselves, seeing my parents on Christmas Eve, the rest of the family just after Christmas and having a peaceful Christmas Day just the 3 of us. I much prefer this as all 3 of us are ND and find gatherings stressful at the best of times.

Come to now and my father passed away 2 years ago - the first year we took my mother away to where the rest of the family live so we could have Christmas all together but it was extremely stressful, for all concerned not just us so no-one wanted to do it again. Now we've gone back to our old pattern so due to see my mother today and then have tomorrow alone for the 3 of us.

My mother won't even see my brother over the whole Christmas time as she's decided it's too stressful to make the trip (she's in her 80s), even the after Christmas one which we invited her on, and my brother can never be bothered to travel up to see her (he does occasionally at other times but never over Christmas/Dec-Jan).

Am I being really cruel leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day? She says she doesn't mind but that doesn't help because she has a history of not saying how she feels and it coming out in little hints much later so I can't rely on that. I don't want to be cruel to anyone but I'm also feeling the burden of it being my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

It is one extra person so not an overwhelming amount of people. Sounds like you only stopped alternating due to MIL.

It is lovely that your mum says she is fine on her own rather than pjt any pressure on you.

It’s not about ‘taking up the slack’.

sounds like you don’t like your mother very much and prefer your ‘father (who) was grumpy and narcissistic’…

I'm hearing all the "you're selfish" posts but also, 80 or not, she's an adult. Surely if she's spending it alone, that's her choice? No other family? No friends at all? My auntie is the same age, never married, no kids but she's not sitting at home alone all day long.

I couldn't leave my elderly widowed mum by herself ...

I would have her over for part of the day. She will say she’s ok, but probably isn’t.

I like @CrazyGoatLady idea. Go and visit her for an hour - bring a plate of Christmas dinner with you. As you say you are doing it all a different day and I feel lots of posters get unnecessarily hung up on one day of the year when it’s what you do the other 364 that really matters.
But if it’s going to make you feel bad then a short visit means she gets company and you get rid of those niggling feelings of guilt. And yes absolutely speak to your B about next year - I am sure he will be straight in line for any inheritance.

Excuses. You just don't want to see your mum on Christmas day.

I definitely didn't prefer my father, I loved both my parents and had a very difficult relationship with my father but still needed to grieve and not be repeatedly told by my mother and brother what a wonderful thing it was that he was gone and how weird I was being sad (he wasn't abusive or anything, just very grumpy). I love my mother but she's very demanding through the year and it's hard work being the only one interested in her demands.

I don't want to see anyone tbh, apart from DH and DD. I want to sit in pyjamas all day for one day a year and enjoy the two of them but I'm happy to take part in having to consider others, not just me, I'm just struggling with being the only one who has to consider others if that makes sense?

It’s up to you what you want to do. I understand people have different relationships with their parents etc. However you had asked people’s opinion and I am close to my parents.
To me Christmas is about family. I couldn’t imagine leaving my mam alone on Christmas Day.
We never left our grandparents alone either. Last year my grandma was coming towards the end of her life, she always loved Christmas and we took turns sit with her so she wouldn’t be alone. A crap sad Christmas for us! But we couldn’t leave her! My auntie and cousins on the other hand ‘had a drink’ so couldn’t possibly go and see her. She died a few days later after ensuring everyone received their Christmas money.

I would never allow my mum to be alone on Christmas Day. There’s no guarantee she will be here next Christmas.

Sorry op but yabu. Your mother lives local and will be alone on Xmas day? That's awful..I get your sick of considering others needs but that doesn't trump leaving your elderly mother alone on Xmas. You having her over would show you daughter empathy and love towards your family. Nothing else! There are lots of other ways to show her that your don't have to sacrifice everything for others..dear lord invite her over !!!

Thanks, this is how I'm feeling. I'm there so much, and whole heartedly the rest of the 364 I'm not sure why this one day is the only one that matters. It matters to me because I get to be with my own daughter, who works retail so we don't get much choice out of the other days, but that problem doesn't apply to me and my mum. A short visit makes sense, thanks.

And yes, my brother will happily line up for his inheritance! When I even hinted there might not be any if mum has care needs later on and that would be ok he wasn't happy!

Do 11/3 or pop over....

You dont want your dd to see as a doormat fine.
Neither do I.... but i do want my dd to see i treat people with humanity.

It costs you nothing.

I find it fascinating you are an adult with children yourself yet write as you do about your parents marriage...i feel like eveyone gets to 40 and knows life is mostly shades of grey. Can you honestly not now imagine how claustrophobic it would be to be married to a man like the one you describe....her life is prob immeasurably easier and more peaceful now. She'll also be dead soon so you might as well be nice now for the couple of years she has left 🤷🏻‍♀️

With your mil just dont tell her things thats what we do now its easier!!

I think it's really unreasonable to leave your mum alone on Christmas day, it's hardly hosting a gathering when it's literally one extra person. Did your mum support you when your daughter was younger, being close by? It's harder for your brother to help your mum when he's 5 hours away.... I think helping our parents is about repaying the love and care from them over the years, and should be about your relationship with your parents without complaining that your sibling should be doing it.

Can’t believe you’d treat your mother like this when she hasn’t done anything to warrant it.

I couldn’t leave my mother alone on Christmas Day regardless of how difficult it might be. You don’t know what went on in your parents marriage - there might have been more than grumpiness. I think the main issue is resentment that your brother isn’t stepping up and maybe you need a conversation with him next year

Yes your DM should have been invited. Im surprised you have to ask

I know that claustrophobic feeling because I lived with him as my father while my mother told me to apologise and tolerate him because 'you know what he's like'! I would still hope that someone having so much relief from that feeling could spare a moment of empathy for their grieving daughter to not make comments like "it's not a sad time, cheer up" and "we don't need a funeral, it's not like anyone misses him"??

If she was a kind and loving mum ,yes you are unreasonable

Forget trying to negotiate with your brother about next Christmas. All you'll do is add extra stress, you may never get an agreement that will actually stick (your brother could deny everything, or could just refuse, so don't bother trying to discuss),

deal with one thing at a time, inviting your mum round so she isn't by herself, enjoy the day and then get back to life with your DH and DS. Hang loose!

I'm seeing so many of these posts, it's really sad.

I only hope that when I'm old that my relatives don't feel I'm a burden to them.

Generally I would say have her over for a couple hours, you seem to get on alright with her so it's a bit weird not to. (Sorry you were upset re her comments on her marriage but it doesn't sound like she intended that - is she also ND?)

However.. if you literally spend all day in pyjama's and don't do Christmas Dinner etc then I think fair enough, stick to having her on Christmas Eve.

OP, your brother’s involvement with your mum is down to him. It’s horrible he doesn’t want to be more involved but you can’t force him.

Likewise, your involvement is down to you and what you choose to do.

Moving forward, I think I’d lay out in easy term what you are prepared to do to help your mum, how often you’ll see her etc. I think putting those boundaries in place will make you feel less like a skivvy (for want of a better word).

As to Christmas Day, you are clearly feeling guilty about leaving your mum on her own - of course you are under no obligation to invite her but I wonder how much of the day you will enjoy knowing your mum is alone?

I don't feel she's a burden, she makes life much much harder than it needs to be, but I don't feel that she herself is a burden. I just wanted to not be the only one stepping up all the time, but I get from all the replies that's not reasonable so I will have her for lunch.