Leaving relative alone for Christmas - feeling guilty

[WakeupWho]

Just read a thread where posters were talking about tolerating relatives on Christmas Day so they wouldn't have to be alone and now getting very guilty and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

At home there's just me, DH and 20yo DD. For years now we've spent Christmas Day just the 3 of us and seen family either side. My parents have always lived near us but my brother and DHs family live an almost 5 hour drive away. Years ago we used to live in the same town but moved away so can no longer see everyone on Christmas Day.

We used to alternate who we spent Christmas with but toxic MIL used to get jealous when it was my parents turn so we decided to please ourselves, seeing my parents on Christmas Eve, the rest of the family just after Christmas and having a peaceful Christmas Day just the 3 of us. I much prefer this as all 3 of us are ND and find gatherings stressful at the best of times.

Come to now and my father passed away 2 years ago - the first year we took my mother away to where the rest of the family live so we could have Christmas all together but it was extremely stressful, for all concerned not just us so no-one wanted to do it again. Now we've gone back to our old pattern so due to see my mother today and then have tomorrow alone for the 3 of us.

My mother won't even see my brother over the whole Christmas time as she's decided it's too stressful to make the trip (she's in her 80s), even the after Christmas one which we invited her on, and my brother can never be bothered to travel up to see her (he does occasionally at other times but never over Christmas/Dec-Jan).

Am I being really cruel leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day? She says she doesn't mind but that doesn't help because she has a history of not saying how she feels and it coming out in little hints much later so I can't rely on that. I don't want to be cruel to anyone but I'm also feeling the burden of it being my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

But that’s the thing, I’ve not told anyone to do anything?! I’ve stated my opinion and what i wouldn’t do! MN is full
of opinions and the op or anyone doesn’t have to use those opinions but it’s the nature of MN.

Would you bully an elderly parent to come to your house if they didn't want to? If they don't want to, do you have the right call the children cruel? You can't always have a parent at your house for one reason or another, it doesn't warrant online abuse or judgement!

But this thread is full of undeserved judgemental horrible comments that the OP doesn't deserve! Telling the OP she doesn't count as a person abs should be sacrificing herself to her mother no matter how detrimental that is.

What you say makes perfect sense and I'm certain that deep down, most Christmas facilitators agree with you. But - and it's a big but - I think that a lot of the guilt you feel and the comments from others, come from treating Christmas as one day, rather than a season that begins on the 25th of December (which could be the traditional 12 days or even 40, depending on your beliefs).

These days, commercial pressures have conditioned us to see the Christmas season as beginning on the 1st December and peaking on the 25th - stressful, with everything we have to do before the big day and leaving most of us women (who usually do all the organising) completely burned out. All the celebrating "has" to be done on the 25th because after that, it's all over. That thinking leads to the pressure many of us feel when trying to reconcile the different wants of our loved ones all on one day.

But it doesn't have to be like that. Many people in the UK take time off between Christmas and New Year and it's a long holiday for some - and for those who do work then, there's still a weekend. A perfect time to have a Christmas dinner with relatives, have a pyjama day and other things that we want to do at this time.

Spreading everything out does help enormously - and I speak from having done this for many years. Elderly people in the family used to enjoy being "Christmassy" on other days - and the children loved it. My personal highlight was 12th night (5th January) when we would have another "Christmas" dinner, amid the decorations and candles. I grew up in a family where New Year's Day was a repeat of Christmas, sometimes with different invited people.

In your situation @WakeupWho I would be inclined to have a frank conversation with both your mother and your own family and try to reach an accommodation where everyone has an approximation of what they want to happen, just not necessarily on the same day. Difficult, I know, because we often do not say what we mean for fear of offending. But, in my experience, Christmas Day is not the worst day to be alone, even though the prospect fills many people with horror. There's usually something good on the TV/streaming service to entertain and a huge choice of prepared food/treats to buy in. Especially when you know that there is another day soon when a family get together is planned.

I hope your Christmas gives you peace, @WakeupWho ♥️

theres nothing in the op to suggest it’s detrimental

That’s a reasonable and sensible decision, but those are not the issues for the OP

You are projecting your own trauma here. That is your mother and it’s absolutely reasonable to not spend time with her. The OPs mother hasn’t done any of that.

I really aren't! I like visiting my mum but she simply doesn't want to spend Christmas day with anyone and I just want people to understand that parents aren't all begging to come to you for Christmas.

She said they all found it stressful last time they tried having everyone round for Christmas. Sometimes you have to keep a parent at a safe distance, I like visiting my mum for a few hours on a Saturday every 3 weeks. Any more than that and she's too much to cope with when the negativity and bitching about other people sets in. The OP wouldn't be as against it as she is if it didn't impact her and the family negatively.

I would suggest mixing it up a little so that there is no absolute assumption that she comes over for her lunch each year, so maybe one year it’s invite for lunch, another you pop over to hers in the afternoon etc etc. But no, I don’t think she should be expected to have alternative Christmases with your brother, I can’t see that she would gain anything from this.

I agree. Thoughtless and selfish. It's one day. Im also ND. You can pull your finger out.for one day. Stop using it as a bloody excuse for just a day. If it was a week that might be different. But a day ? Come on.

You really find out people's TRUE feelings towards you at Christmas.
Don't get me wrong but go and see her in any capacity possible ONLY if you want to see her- dont do anything out of guilt. After Christmas you can own up to friends that you did not want to , if you didn't go. When she's gone DONT, under any circumstances start missing her.

Fine, enough with the personal digs. I was raised absolutely wrong, but then I grew up. I saw the performative compliance that you seem happy to admit to and found it lacking integrity or respect.

You can spin human dynamics in whatever apologetic way you like, but bottom line, if you lie, you lie.

I could never, just think in years to come if you’re in your mums position and DD left you on your own.
its sad to think that your mum who you don’t have a toxic relationship with (unless you haven’t mentioned it ) yet you knowing leave her on her own.

heck I once invited our elderly neighbour to join us as I knew he was on his own

In her early posts OP didn’t indicate that she had a particularly poor relationship with her Mum, it was half way into the thread before she said that she found her demanding and difficult. The earlier posts were more about resentment towards her brother and her own neurodivergency .There’s always a lot of projection on these threads. I think it would be sensible for OP to look at the overall picture regarding her mother’s care needs rather than make a point on Christmas Day. I don’t know what the brother can offer from 5 hours away but he needs to accept that the mother’s money is going to be spent on paying for her needs to be met and his sister isn’t her servant.

Maybe not, but I can associate with the feeling of guilt for leaving someone on their own and feeling responsible for others enjoying the day.

Read my post again I said people who want to come.
and even if my mother lived 150 miles away if she wanted to come I would find a way to make it happen

God Bless You, so sweet & sincere
I completely concur with you,
If my Beloved Late Mum were here, we couldn't bear Her to be alone for one moment & She was the most selfless soul 💚🫂💚God bless You&Yours

You are really trying to big yourself up as the hero aren't you! Many older people don't want to stay at people's houses overnight, I grew up with all my grandparents having these traits, my mum & dad became a bit like it after a certain age, it they came for a visit or to a festive gathering, even weddings, they'll come for about two hours and want go home again that's what elderly people tend to get like or certainly in the current avd previous generations! So you'd drive 300 miles to go and fetch your mother and then after two hours you will embark on another 300 mile journey to take her back? You'd spend over 10 hours in a car on Xmas day would you? You'd not have a Xmas day, you'd just force your parent into that journey because you have to look like the Queen of Do-gooding! Do you realise how unrealistic you sound now! You can't try to point score by making up pathetic fake scenarios you know you'd never have to do! Why don't you go the whole hog and claim that you'd fly to Australia to pick her up to spend Xmas day with you if you had to! You tried me look bad because I said completely correctly that my mum wouldn't want to come and I would have to do 145 miles of driving throughout the day and have a crap day myself as a result of it and you lied that you'd drive for over 10 hours on Xmas day to try and look and better than me? Really? And I've said my mum wouldn't want it!

Do the decent thing and read all the OPs posts! Forget your religion, the mother in this case is not a sweet heavenly angel, the mother is quite toxic towards the OP! The mother calls hell out of the late father that the OP still grieves for. None of you have the right to preach about what people should do when they've got a toxic or mentally abusive parent! Do you know what my mum likes to talk about other than wanting to die or thinking she's she dying, she likes to doom monger, she likes tell us new pandemics are coming, nuclear wars, world war 3 - and some you wonder why some of us have to protect ourselves from them!

Many of us don't have kids at all, who do you suggest us child-free couples make be subservient to us when we're elderly? The OP has already said in later posts that her mother is toxic and difficult! She doesn't owe herself to anyone just because they gave birth to her. Earn that respect, don't demand it because you see your child as property belonging to you.

I find it really sad that you would even think it is acceptable to leave your mum on her own. My sisters and I always ensure my mum who is also a widow is with one of us.( your brother is a shit but it isn’t a reason to try and show your daughter a lesson that you stepping in means you at a sap, it is showing her that you can be kind and considerate of others , the lesson is showing her that your brother is selfish and unkind)

and those saying it’s just another day , really? It’s Christmas Day, families together , sharing presents, usually having fun - it isn’t just another day.

and you OP saying you would be fine with it when your kids are older- what a stupid thing to say, how the hell will you know how you feel in 30 years.

Christmas is my favourite time of the year; if my children chose to leave me on my own for Christmas if I was a widow I would be devastated ( they wouldn’t know that though as I would say it is fine too. But I would be upset). I hope your mum had a nice time with you and your children on Christmas Day .

There’s so much going on here!
You describe your dad as a narcissist but say he wasn’t abusive… I can guarantee if he was a narcissist and your mum and brother are relieved he’s gone, then he was definitely abusive .. abuse isn’t just physical and I’d imagine your Dad controlled your mum in many other ways and mentally abused her!…. The being grumpy and sulking is abusive - because she’d have spent her whole time trying to keep him happy… no doubt she never had friends or hobbies because he didn’t like not having her at his beck & call!!… so she she was isolated by him! She’s probably lead quite an awful married life, staying married because he’s told her he’d take the kids, or because she was terrified to leave knowing he’d then have you at weekends unsupervised! His death even while in progress was your mums only way out of an abusive / isolating & miserable marriage… I expect for the first time in her life she feels free… she is probably struggling with the fact you are grieving a man who made her life hell.
She told you to tolerate him…. Because that’s the only way she knew how to cope with his awfulness!….if she had told you to stand up to him, walk away from him etc then no doubt she’d have been ‘punished’.. told she was alienating his children against him… I’ve seen it so many times… so in order to keep herself and you all safe she told you to tolerate his behaviour.. (she’d learnt the route of least resistance was the the easiest!).
Narcissists often also have a ‘favourite’ child… they play the favourite off against the other siblings and the other parent … so your experience of your father was likely very different to your brothers….

How much ‘care’ does your mum need? You make it sound like you are hee carer and see her EVERY single day and Christmas is your only day off? If that’s the case then you need to get her assessed for some sort of home help / care package… apply for attendance allowance and use that to pay a cleaner, a gardener and get her carers in… tell her you’ll only visit 3 times a week… you need to make time for yourself and look after your mental Heath!

Maybe next year you could have your mum Christmas Day and arrange to have Boxing Day as a family PJ day? Or have Mum Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and have Christmas Day as a lazy day but do her a meal and pop it in fridge when you drop her home Christmas Eve.

It sounds like your brother has done years of looking out for your mum? If he wanted her ‘out of his hair’ and moved her closer to you??…. So maybe he feels he’d done his share and now it’s your turn? Did he have to look after her and your dad and has now had enough and thinks it’s time you did your share?? (I’m only going off that one comment about him wanting her out of his hair though!)
I do think you need to stand back and reflect …. If you’re running around and your mental health is suffering then Christmas Day is the smaller issue here!….. as I said above you need to seek help with your mum from professionals and she has no alternative but to except help from carers…. Stand firm and tell her you will no longer being running yourself into the ground and if she needs help then she needs to except it from others as you can not and will not continue as you have been!

See if Adult Social Services can arrange respite care- few weeks here and there throughout the year gives you a chance to do things for yourself. Near to me are a couple in their 50's with a son who has cerebral palsy, most of the time their life is challenging but tolerable. Four times a year their son goes into residential care. In the summer this includes a holiday with others like him. As far as I know it is paid for by the charity and some by adult social services. I do know they got initial help from Turn2Us who got the ball rolling.

He is ND but not honestly a disability like cerebral palsy. He's perfectly capable of living alone and lives a very normal life but is extremely irritating to stay with for any period of time and I wouldn't like to leave him out of our celebrations at Christmas. He certainly doesn't need residential care, but thanks for the suggestion.