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Original poster

Leaving relative alone for Christmas - feeling guilty

318 replies

WakeupWho · 24/12/2025 06:11

Just read a thread where posters were talking about tolerating relatives on Christmas Day so they wouldn't have to be alone and now getting very guilty and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

At home there's just me, DH and 20yo DD. For years now we've spent Christmas Day just the 3 of us and seen family either side. My parents have always lived near us but my brother and DHs family live an almost 5 hour drive away. Years ago we used to live in the same town but moved away so can no longer see everyone on Christmas Day.

We used to alternate who we spent Christmas with but toxic MIL used to get jealous when it was my parents turn so we decided to please ourselves, seeing my parents on Christmas Eve, the rest of the family just after Christmas and having a peaceful Christmas Day just the 3 of us. I much prefer this as all 3 of us are ND and find gatherings stressful at the best of times.

Come to now and my father passed away 2 years ago - the first year we took my mother away to where the rest of the family live so we could have Christmas all together but it was extremely stressful, for all concerned not just us so no-one wanted to do it again. Now we've gone back to our old pattern so due to see my mother today and then have tomorrow alone for the 3 of us.

My mother won't even see my brother over the whole Christmas time as she's decided it's too stressful to make the trip (she's in her 80s), even the after Christmas one which we invited her on, and my brother can never be bothered to travel up to see her (he does occasionally at other times but never over Christmas/Dec-Jan).

Am I being really cruel leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day? She says she doesn't mind but that doesn't help because she has a history of not saying how she feels and it coming out in little hints much later so I can't rely on that. I don't want to be cruel to anyone but I'm also feeling the burden of it being my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

OP posts:
soccermum10 · 24/12/2025 07:06

I would invite her. My MIL comes to ours for a few hours otherwise she would be alone. She's lost her best friend and her dog this year so there's no way I'm leaving her out

Original poster
WakeupWho · 24/12/2025 07:10

Hundslappadrifa · 24/12/2025 07:01

It’s cruel of you to leave her alone. No one is perfect and your daughter will assume it’s fine to leave you alone, when it’s your turn to be old. YADBU. Just because she says she’ll be fine, doesn’t mean she actually means it.

Even though we're doing Christmas exactly the same way with her but just the day before? This is the thing, if my daughter did the same I'd be happy with it, as long as I was still getting a 'Christmas' day with her, would be happy with the day before or after. I actually worry more about the effect on my daughter seeing me be the only one running around for my mum - my brother does next to nothing because 'she stresses him out' and she won't make friends because they're not as obliging as me (since long before my dad died) so I'm literally shouldering everything for her. I don't want my daughter feeling it's normal to do that tbh.

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 24/12/2025 07:11

I cannot imagine leaving my mother alone on Christmas Day unless she had taken herself off to a ski slope or a beach on Bora Bora.

I appreciate that for toxic situations it is different.

I would also prefer to have someone to stay over than spend Christmas Day in the car.

Original poster
WakeupWho · 24/12/2025 07:11

SleafordSods · 24/12/2025 07:01

I’d have her over around 11/12 and drop her back around 3.

Thanks, I think that's what we should maybe do.

OP posts:
pintofpkss · 24/12/2025 07:11

Have your mum over for Christmas. She’s on her own and in her 80s. My mum is in her 60s and on her own. We are spending Christmas with her as no doubt this is going to be her last one. You never know when it’s going to be the last. She’s 80s spend it with her

Edictfromno10 · 24/12/2025 07:12

Even the title of this post is odd, she's not just a relative, she's your Mum. I don't see the hardship of having her over for Christmas lunch, it's not a 10hour round trip as it is for your brother. No wonder you feel guilty. She won't have many Christmases left if she's in her 80s.

Pinkissmart · 24/12/2025 07:12

MumChp · 24/12/2025 06:18

No it's not your responsibility to keep everyone happy.

Ffs this is her MOTHER she’s talking about, not some random.

Yes OP, you are being selfish.

TheaBrandt1 · 24/12/2025 07:12

Your reasoning is really odd. You don’t want your Dd seeing you being nice to your mum? Makes zero sense sorry. There’s a reason you are feeling guilty.

piscofrisco · 24/12/2025 07:13

Being honest I would have had your mum round for Christmas Day this year. My dad died in August and this is my mums first one on her own. DH snd I had been due to go away for a very fancy Christmas on our own (as it’s not our year for Christmas with the respective dc) but we cancelled it as we couldn’t have left Mum and felt ok about it ( and she couldn’t have come where we were going due to cost and health).
all being well you will have many more Christmases just the three of you. But this is the first one without dad for your mum with whom I assume you have a decent relationship, so maybe an exception could have been made.

DeQuin · 24/12/2025 07:13

My mum winds me up big time but she’s on her own and lives 10 minutes away. I am cooking a completely different meal (which I hate doing) because she’s coming. We’ll pick her up at 12 and drop her back at 4. It’s Christmas. It’s one person. It’s a few hours on one day. Think you are being mean.

ArthriticOldLabrador · 24/12/2025 07:15

What goes around comes around, OP.

andIsaid · 24/12/2025 07:15

MumChp · 24/12/2025 06:18

No it's not your responsibility to keep everyone happy.

FFS

I wonder how the OP would be if her mother had that attitude when she was growing up?

We actually have moral responsibilities - we know what we should do.

Sometime, often times, we do not want to the right thing and that is fine.

But, let's not hide it behind "not your responsibility".

BeckyButters · 24/12/2025 07:16

Your brother is being really cruel leaving your mother on her own Christmas Day…

Whilst others see it at ‘it’s just one day, she’s your mum, suck it up etc’ why can’t your mum see it the same way? It’s just one day, you’re her daughter, you should be allowed to spend the day just with your own family.

Have a lovely Christmas Eve with her and have a guilt free day tomorrow.

Original poster
WakeupWho · 24/12/2025 07:16

TheaBrandt1 · 24/12/2025 07:12

Your reasoning is really odd. You don’t want your Dd seeing you being nice to your mum? Makes zero sense sorry. There’s a reason you are feeling guilty.

I don't want my DD seeing me be the ONLY one being nice, taking up all the slack because everyone knows I'll feel too guilty not to, letting my own MH go to hell as long as everyone else is kept happy, only to see them not be happy even after that because then they'll only want more from me. I don't want my DD seeing everyone else do exactly what they want and feeling she, after me, should be the one to sacrifice herself. I'd much rather have every Christmas alone!

Sorry, I'm just realising how deep this goes for me...

OP posts:
Lolalovesroses · 24/12/2025 07:16

You’ll be grateful for these last few Christmas memories when she’s no longer here. She’s done nothing wrong. You don’t need to discuss it with your toxic MIL.

whispycloud · 24/12/2025 07:16

Oh gosh no I couldn’t imagine leaving her alone on Xmas day 😭

I’m ND so I get it, however I couldn’t live with the guilt.

Tablesandchairs23 · 24/12/2025 07:20

If you have a good relationship with her then invite her. I couldn't leave my mum by herself. She's in her 80s. She won't have that many Christmas left.

once1caughtafishalive · 24/12/2025 07:21

I couldn't leave my mum alone on Christmas Day.

Your brother needs to host her next year and it needs to be arranged well in advance.

piscofrisco · 24/12/2025 07:21

WakeupWho · 24/12/2025 07:16

I don't want my DD seeing me be the ONLY one being nice, taking up all the slack because everyone knows I'll feel too guilty not to, letting my own MH go to hell as long as everyone else is kept happy, only to see them not be happy even after that because then they'll only want more from me. I don't want my DD seeing everyone else do exactly what they want and feeling she, after me, should be the one to sacrifice herself. I'd much rather have every Christmas alone!

Sorry, I'm just realising how deep this goes for me...

Show quote history

But do you want your DD seeing that’s it’s ok for no one at all to be nice? To a mum that from what you have said has done nothing wrong? That seems a weird example to be worried about setting to me…

If it’s really going to knock your MH then yes I guess don’t do it-but could you at least offer her a bit of the day-then you won’t need to feel guilty (which also won’t help your MH).

Springtimehere · 24/12/2025 07:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Hundslappadrifa · 24/12/2025 07:23

WakeupWho · 24/12/2025 07:10

Even though we're doing Christmas exactly the same way with her but just the day before? This is the thing, if my daughter did the same I'd be happy with it, as long as I was still getting a 'Christmas' day with her, would be happy with the day before or after. I actually worry more about the effect on my daughter seeing me be the only one running around for my mum - my brother does next to nothing because 'she stresses him out' and she won't make friends because they're not as obliging as me (since long before my dad died) so I'm literally shouldering everything for her. I don't want my daughter feeling it's normal to do that tbh.

Show quote history

Oh get away with you! If you can do it the day before, why can’t you do it on the actual day? And no, what you’re teaching your daughter is how to be selfish. Your brother’s actions should have nothing to do with your own.

kiwiane · 24/12/2025 07:23

It is your choice but I’d regret leaving her to be alone on Christmas Day.

Anonymouseposter · 24/12/2025 07:24

I do think YABU. You live nearby and you don’t need to have her to stay, only to have her for a few hours for Christmas dinner and then one of you to take her home. You aren’t being asked to entertain a lot of people or travel a long way. It may be valid that your brother should be more involved at other times but he lives 5 hours away and she doesn’t want to travel there so Christmas would be much more effort for him than for you. It’s not even as if you have other plans that you need to change, just one extra person to eat.

CrazyGoatLady · 24/12/2025 07:25

I'm also ND and we aren't seeing any family tomorrow, because I'm working up to 5pm today and on call tomorrow morning for work. I've put in a huge amount of effort for family in one way and another throughout the year too, so I get the need for some form of downtime and not to be catering to other people the whole time. However, DM won't be on her own, she's going to my aunt's today and then tomorrow round my cousin's house. We'll see her Boxing Day for dinner after DS1 gets home from work. I probably would find it difficult to leave her on her own all day.

If it would be too much to have her at yours all day, could you go up for an hour or two in the morning, have a coffee and a mince pie or something and do presents?

Lotsofsnacks · 24/12/2025 07:30

So what, take your brother out of the equation, you can’t control what he does. Also your mum sounds trouble free, and it was not really relevant, the bit about her comments, about your dad, as that was about their relationship, not yours, with her.

You keep repeating not showing your dd the pattern of you ‘picking up the slack’ for your brother, but to be honest this is not a massive issue enough to use as an example to her! It’s a Xmas lunch! Just invite your mum over literally for lunch for a few hours, then you have the rest of the day, as a 3, as you like it!

You say now you won’t mind your DD doing her own thing at Xmas in the future, but that might look v different if you are a widowed 80 something living alone