Leaving relative alone for Christmas - feeling guilty

[WakeupWho]

Just read a thread where posters were talking about tolerating relatives on Christmas Day so they wouldn't have to be alone and now getting very guilty and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

At home there's just me, DH and 20yo DD. For years now we've spent Christmas Day just the 3 of us and seen family either side. My parents have always lived near us but my brother and DHs family live an almost 5 hour drive away. Years ago we used to live in the same town but moved away so can no longer see everyone on Christmas Day.

We used to alternate who we spent Christmas with but toxic MIL used to get jealous when it was my parents turn so we decided to please ourselves, seeing my parents on Christmas Eve, the rest of the family just after Christmas and having a peaceful Christmas Day just the 3 of us. I much prefer this as all 3 of us are ND and find gatherings stressful at the best of times.

Come to now and my father passed away 2 years ago - the first year we took my mother away to where the rest of the family live so we could have Christmas all together but it was extremely stressful, for all concerned not just us so no-one wanted to do it again. Now we've gone back to our old pattern so due to see my mother today and then have tomorrow alone for the 3 of us.

My mother won't even see my brother over the whole Christmas time as she's decided it's too stressful to make the trip (she's in her 80s), even the after Christmas one which we invited her on, and my brother can never be bothered to travel up to see her (he does occasionally at other times but never over Christmas/Dec-Jan).

Am I being really cruel leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day? She says she doesn't mind but that doesn't help because she has a history of not saying how she feels and it coming out in little hints much later so I can't rely on that. I don't want to be cruel to anyone but I'm also feeling the burden of it being my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

I am glad you are getting your mum over

sounds like you spend quite a lot of time in your own head, thinking and overthinking things do much you don’t see what is right in front of you

hope you all have a good Christmas

P.s. yadnbu to say your brother must have her next year. Just lie if necessary tell him you will put her on a train to his then are off on holiday. Your brother is being very unreasonable not doing his share of attending to her.

“Hundslappadrifa · Today 07:01
It’s cruel of you to leave her alone. No one is perfect and your daughter will assume it’s fine to leave you alone, when it’s your turn to be old. YADBU. Just because she says she’ll be fine, doesn’t mean she actually means it.”

This is a really important point - your DD is learning from this. She will remember Christmases where you thought it was okay to leave your elderly mother alone and think it’s okay to do the same to you.

😱no, i could not would not leave my mum on her own at Christmas, unless she has been a terrible mother.

I’d definitely have her over for a few hours.

She wouldn't even want to go to him though, they're both not interested in each other, they both find each other stressful (because they're not polite and 'biting tongue' like me) and my mum dislikes his 'dirty' house. She only used to go down with me because I rented a cottage we stayed in, she wouldn't go to stay with him and he won't come up so I'm not sure what to do.

I'd be genuinely happy with that, if I got other days with her - if I was alone 365 days a year that would be different but I'd want DD to look after herself and others.

Is your mum bothered about being on her own? My granny isn't fussed about Christmas at all and is perfectly happy with a visit on Christmas Eve and on 27th. If she's not bothered I don't think it's a huge issue.

I could never do that to my Mum on Christmas Day.

Have her over for the meal.

She won’t mind if you’re all in pyjamas.

Why can’t you still wear your PJ’s and have the day you want but with your DM. Your house, your Christmas, she should take you as you come. Just invite her but tell her what your plans are and she can chose whether to accept them or stay at home.

DP has a 45 minute drive tomorrow morning to pick up MIL and bring her to ours and a 45 minute drive to take her back in the evening which means he can’t drink but the rest of the family wouldn’t speak to us ever again if with left DM to spend Christmas Day alone (other family members are either away or are shift workers who are working Christmas this year).

I guess it depends on your relationship with your mum but I can't imagine a world where I would leave my elderly mum alone by herself for Christmas day when it was possible for her to be with us.

She may not have many Christmas's left 😕

I think you should definitely invite her to yours. She is local and it’s not as if you have young children or need to drive a long way to fetch her. When my dm became elderly I would invite her to ours but she never wanted to come (ill health) so I would have to fit in a visit which included two hours of driving to make sure she wasn’t on her own for a whole day. I am still glad I did it.

My mum is a widow for 19 years now, apart from 5 of them, she always was on her own, 3 in her own flat, the last two in a nursing home.

I live in a different country, I work in a job where I don't get Christmas off unless the bank holidays fall in a way that I can leave Christmas Day and return 4 days later. It's not fair to my DD to be ferried around every year.
Even when we lived in my home country it was nearly impossible to make a 6 hour car journey for the sake of 3 days.

And - my mum actually encouranged us to not come, she is absolutely happy to be on her own, she has her routine, meets my aunt one afternoon. She decorated her flat, she made herself treats and really lovely food.

Not every single relative is sitting in the dark at home desperate for company. There are some who realise that family can't be there or that Christmas is only acceptable when every family member is around the table.

We try to see her during December or after Christmas as her birthday is early January. Family is more than sitting together one specific day of the year.

I get it OP. My mother is a deeply unpleasant person and I worry about how damaging it is to my children seeing my struggle with her demands and tolerate her cruelty.
in terms of modeling behaviour if I ever made them feel the way she makes me feel even for a second then I’d be happy for them to cut me off.
I think you’re well within your “rights” to have a day to yourself not that you need me too tell you that. BUT as someone who has tried to carve out space I’m not sure it’s actually a wise move. You’re giving her a stick to beat you with “you abandoned me on Christmas Day” and I’m not sure you’re really able to protect your boundaries. As such I think you should see her. Good luck. X

Yeah it’s mean, I can’t imagine ever leaving my mum on her own on Christmas Day and I’d be really upset if I was the mum in this scenario.

You live 10 minutes from your mum. Your brother lives 5 hours away. Of course you’re going to be the one who does more.

I don’t understand your rationale at all.
Your widowed mother lives locally and you don’t want to invite her for Christmas lunch as you would rather sit in pyjamas. ?
Not sure what poor behaviour inviting your widowed mother for Christmas Day shows ?

Sorry, but I just don’t buy this “ I just want one day to prioritise myself, I do everything, my bothers useless blah blah ’ there’s only 3 of you for Christmas dinner how much effort is it to have one more ?

As others have said it is pretty unkind to not invite your Mum who lives nearby and will otherwise be on her own all day. She doesn’t need to do the full day necessarily but should at least be invited over for Christmas lunch/dinner. What would she do for food otherwise? Seems sad for her to have to make her own for one. Going forward you need to have a conversation with your brother on how you handle Christmas in the future and have her alternate years, so you can still have every second Christmas with just your own family.

@WakeupWho I'm not clear on where your mum lives. Does she live locally? If she does then I think you could include her. But I wouldn't let anyone make you feel guilty if you don't. It's quite day of the year, everyone in the UK seems to go OTT.
Im abroad with a son who has ASD. When he was really little we tried doing a Christmas at my mums and then another year at MIL and it was a nightmare, all the travelling, trying to please everyone else, no sleep, not feeling comfortable in aomeone else's space etc. Both my parents and DH parents are separated and we were trying to accommodate everyone at the detriment to ourselves. We were completely exhausted by the end of the break and DS was totally out of sorts from the change in routine. We don't visit DH family anymore but noone is alone on that side. My mum comes to visit us for a week over Christmas. But it means my dad is alone. There's no alternative as my parents are not together and we don't have space in our home to accommodate even if they got along. I visit my hometown the week before Christmas and see my dad every day, lunches etc quality time. And he has invitations to visit friends on Christmas day but chooses not to. I always feel guilty about him being alone on Christmas day but there's no obvious alternative option. I think when DS is older I'd consider hiring a house nearby and inviting both parents but financially it's not an option this year.

I wouldn't leave anyone alone at Christmas. That's why I have a table full of waifs and strays

That’s lovely. So glad you have changed your mind. I hope you have a lovely day together.

You cannot leave your elderly mother alone for Christmas day, that is absolutely disgusting. Like you say, she’s not the toxic one, that’s MIL. She says it’s okay but of course it’s not, she’s probably sat at home sad wondering why her children don’t want her around. You say your brother does not do much for mum so you feel the strain, but you need to push that aside for Christmas Day. The poor woman. How are you even asking this question?

it sounds like you have some resentment of your brother not pulling his weight and that’s something you can discuss with him next year. He lives a long way away and your Mum doesn’t want to go there. Christmas isn’t the time to make a point. You can also look into carers or other help for your Mum if her demands on you are too much. My Mum lived until she was 97. At first she didn’t want carers, only her own family but when she needed more help than my brother and I could provide we arranged carers and once she accepted them some of them became real friends to her. Of course she had to pay them but they went over and above. Caring for your Mum doesn’t mean doing it all yourself, it means looking out for her and organising things. What example do you want to set to your daughter? Selfishness and mean spirit? I would rather err on the side of setting an example of caring and spreading a bit of joy. If the demands are unreasonable sort it out with your mother and brother at a more appropriate time.

Do you have space for her to stay?. I think you should pick her up tonight and drop her off tomorrow night! Dont leave her all alone at Christmas!

Prioritise yourself on another day. Spend at least some of Christmas Day with your mum.