Entitled male relatives who contribute nothing to Christmas

[GooseyGandalf]

We’re having dh’s dps for Christmas this year. Mil will bring something thoughtful, gifts for us all, that she has picked, bought and wrapped, offer to help in the kitchen, make lovely comments about the food. In previous years she has hosted for the extended family.

Fil will come. If any of the food isn’t up his liking he will pull a face. He will accept gifts, making his opinions obvious on them, as mil tuts at him and tries to redirect our attention, and at no point will he contribute anything to the occasion. Gifts are of course from both of them, but he will have no idea, or interest, in what they are. It’s obvious mil is entirely responsible.

When we were first married mil would correct my cooking choices, in line with fils preferences. I’m very happy to accommodate allergies, intolerances, preferences, vegans, and arfid - I like my guests to feel welcome. I went along with it, for mil and dh’s sake because they probably wouldn’t visit as much if I didn’t, and we’d have to stay with them more often instead, which is worse.

The entitlement sets my teeth on edge. Mil will be almost apologetic for coming at all, conscious of the workload, and he will just arrive and sit there, the great family patriarch and everyone plays along with it.

Including me.

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me and I’ll try not to get stabby.

It’s a small enough thing in the greater scheme and not particularly unusual in his generation (though nothing like my lovely df, or even my gf) and not worth causing a row about. Just getting it off my chest here, in the hopes of getting through another Christmas without exploding.

Does anyone else have the honour of hosting a Great Male Guest this Christmas?

I watched with awe one Christmas when SMIL ( who had obviously had a massive argument with FIL) gave out the presents , telling everyone that she had chosen and paid for them, even though she wasnt " technically " related to us. DH challenged his Dad, who indeed had told her that this was " his" family, not hers. DC were older teens and rallied round their gran, Formerly entitled FIL was very much abashed. T'was wonderful to see Mr Entitlement put so firmly in his place.

OP this is hideous - you have my sympathy. Christmas is too often delivered solely by women - even Father Christmas gets the credit for their hard work.

It's nice to read a post supporting a MIL so often we just pile into slagging of a person who cares deeply about her family and makes a lot of effort, whilst the lazy FIL is seen as the angel - but does bloody nothing and makes not effort.

When you finally SEE this sort of entitled behaviour, it’s impossible to unsee it, I find. My BF’s husband has been like it for 40 years but it’s only now I’ve really woken up to it. Upshot is, I won’t be hosting them again. Much harder when it’s family of course.

Why is there so much indulging and enabling grown men of behaviour we wouldn't tolerate in a child? To keep the peace? We don't let children get away with being rude and obnoxious to keep the peace. It's not even peace anyway when it's just one person running roughshod over everyone else. Why does "keep the peace" so often mean "women and children, put up with endless shit"?

Your FIL has very poor manners. No one should start eating until you pick up your fork as the hostess.

Because women are stupid enough to put up with endless shit.
Or because they are frightened about what will happen if they don't put up with the endless shit.

If you put up with the endless shit and then act as a martyr to it, that's even worse.

Just stop it.

Eurgh my FIL is like this and I hate him more and more every year

Don't set a place at the head of the table, then he can't take it.

My FiL was like this... he's dead now and no one misses him.

Nope, but I have a couple of vacant spots under my patio if required 😆

Don’t seat him at the head of the table.
Put your DH there or your MIL!

you have my sympathy as I know so so many men who are like this and entitled. I feel like they are parasites on family situations! Expect to be cared for when sick, moan about returning the Favour… don’t help with much of the Xmas prep yet eat the food and open the presents…

Yep my mum is a horrendous misogynist. “Ask (husbands name) where I can (something car related)” why would I ask him mum he doesn’t know and why should he. Told my daughter that boys are better at maths than girls and men make better teachers than women. It’s odd isnt it you’d think women like my mum would be furious about being second class citizens but nope.

Not sure if it's been suggested, but maybe next year a new dinning table? A round one?

This is exactly how my own mother behaves so it’s not just entitled males.

Quite. The ageism once again is rife. It's a male thing, not an age thing.

This is a fantastic idea

My FIL won’t eat ‘anything that swims or flies’ or is spicy or ‘too exotic’. He only recently started eating pizza. But of course when I had to be gluten free for a while I was being fussy 🙄

It took me until my late 40s to stop facilitating this shit. Hope you, and all the other women suffering in silence, grow a pair of ovaries sooner than I did.

Fortunately no. But my husband's uncle by marriage, is exactly like your fil. My dh pointed out how the uncle let aunt do everything, he just sat on his recliner, not getting up to greet guests or lift a finger. Aunt would be running around up and down stairs in their multi-level home, getting drinks and offering this and that for everybody while he sat on his a**. He'd get up to have the dinner, but not compliment her, thank her, or do a toast to her. Oblivious.

Could you put a whoopee cushion on the chair at the head of the table?

Best suggestion on the thread!

Hey, I thought of it first!

"Christmas is dead easy, you know. You just have to buy some presents and get some food in."

Playing the piano is dead easy, you know. You just have to play exactly the right notes in exactly the right order at exactly the right time.

Oh, and 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹 to you and all the other stressed-out people on this thread with tiring and ungrateful families.

Yes!