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Original poster

Entitled male relatives who contribute nothing to Christmas

443 replies

GooseyGandalf · 14/12/2025 09:12

We’re having dh’s dps for Christmas this year. Mil will bring something thoughtful, gifts for us all, that she has picked, bought and wrapped, offer to help in the kitchen, make lovely comments about the food. In previous years she has hosted for the extended family.

Fil will come. If any of the food isn’t up his liking he will pull a face. He will accept gifts, making his opinions obvious on them, as mil tuts at him and tries to redirect our attention, and at no point will he contribute anything to the occasion. Gifts are of course from both of them, but he will have no idea, or interest, in what they are. It’s obvious mil is entirely responsible.

When we were first married mil would correct my cooking choices, in line with fils preferences. I’m very happy to accommodate allergies, intolerances, preferences, vegans, and arfid - I like my guests to feel welcome. I went along with it, for mil and dh’s sake because they probably wouldn’t visit as much if I didn’t, and we’d have to stay with them more often instead, which is worse.

The entitlement sets my teeth on edge. Mil will be almost apologetic for coming at all, conscious of the workload, and he will just arrive and sit there, the great family patriarch and everyone plays along with it.

Including me.

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me and I’ll try not to get stabby.

It’s a small enough thing in the greater scheme and not particularly unusual in his generation (though nothing like my lovely df, or even my gf) and not worth causing a row about. Just getting it off my chest here, in the hopes of getting through another Christmas without exploding.

Does anyone else have the honour of hosting a Great Male Guest this Christmas?

OP posts:
JennyForeigner · 15/12/2025 09:03

Only one thing for it. You are going to have to redecorate, so that the best chair is suddenly the very worst chair - the one that everyone has to squeeze past, and then hold him to his sense of entitlement.

Or junk the table altogether and install a breakfast bar.

SparkleSpriteDust · 15/12/2025 11:05

He just sounds like a horrible man.

1apenny2apenny · 15/12/2025 11:32

I think in this situation you need in the first instance to control how you deal with/react to this. It’s amazing how much better you feel when you take back control and refuse to be drawn into this stuff.
I wouldn’t be entertaining any of it and would change things I could control. I like the previous poster idea of setting up the table so where he fits as ‘head if the table’ isn’t the head at all but the middle seat is for example.

Downtoncrabbey · 15/12/2025 11:37

I would just say to your DH that you’re not putting up with it anymore, he needs to help change things on Xmas day or your FIL is won’t be invited next year. Explain how hurtful it is that he is rude and that your DH lets it happen, and also the bad example it sets to kids.

The key thing is you need your DH’s support on the day to present a united front. Assign seats and if FIL/MIL ignore, both you and your DH need to stand firm and insist.

Make jokes about FIL in law being lazy and contributing nothing and if he or anyone else kicks off, again you need your DH’s backing.

And if he dares insult/make snarky comments about your cooking or anything else, frankly your DH needs to tell him that’s not acceptable or to make a snarky comment back. I can’t believe he lets his dad insult you like that. And in front of your kids.

You won’t get support from MIL. She is brainwashed. I bet the siblings will get brave after you again set an example and start standing up to him too.

I do wonder if your husband deliberately doesn’t help you on Xmas day to give the appearance of being a ‘man’ to his father. Then tries to make up on Boxing Day.

Iknowdino · 15/12/2025 15:19

My dad is just like this. Rocks up with a few cans of beer, drinks all our alcohol first though. Sits around while lovely dm gives the gifts she has bought and wrapped. He will accept his gift with no grace, no thanks. Sits at the head of the table and gets up as soon as he is done to go sit in the lounge while the women clean up. No thanks or even a smile of appreciation. At the end of the day he just leaves with no goodbye! It used to upset me, last year I put my foot down and didn't host them but then I felt sad that my mum was in her own with him. So they are coming this year and I'm just going to try and accept that's how he is, and it's his problem.

Thundertoast · 15/12/2025 15:26

Iknowdino · 15/12/2025 15:19

My dad is just like this. Rocks up with a few cans of beer, drinks all our alcohol first though. Sits around while lovely dm gives the gifts she has bought and wrapped. He will accept his gift with no grace, no thanks. Sits at the head of the table and gets up as soon as he is done to go sit in the lounge while the women clean up. No thanks or even a smile of appreciation. At the end of the day he just leaves with no goodbye! It used to upset me, last year I put my foot down and didn't host them but then I felt sad that my mum was in her own with him. So they are coming this year and I'm just going to try and accept that's how he is, and it's his problem.

Just out of curiosity what do you think your dad would do if you said:
'Aren't you going to say thanks, dad?'
'Dad, are you you going to help clear up seeing as the women have done all the cooking and prep?'
'Dad, arent you going to say goodbye?'
Would your mum just jump in?

Iknowdino · 15/12/2025 15:31

Honestly I don't know. I've had many years of conditioning not to say anything at all, dont rock the boat, don't set him off. In the moment I think I revert back to my inner child and become largely unaware of it until he has gone. Then I think of the things I should have said and done....! I'd love to be brave enough to even politely hint...

Faith77 · 15/12/2025 15:53

My ex-FIL & ex-husband were like this. Ex-MIL used to insist that HRH FIL was served first, plating up his food for him like he was some overgrown toddler. Crazy what you start to forget isn't "normal", so I did pander to this misogynistic BS for far too long. After opening up the bin on Boxing Day one year to see all the presents ex-H had been given for Christmas the day before, though, it took me a step closer to putting an end to it a month later. It is disgusting behaviour and it does get normalised by ignoring it, so regardless of what you say to your children, they are still watching and learning. Join the Bridging The Gap group on Facebook. It's so much harder tolerating male privilege BS once you are 100% aware of what it is and why they are doing it!

MyGingerNinja · 15/12/2025 15:54

Definitely make plans to upset the apple cart and get him off his entitled backside.

For the second year running me and my daughter will be going for Christmas lunch with my old next door neighbour. He’s 83 and will set the table and cook and serve everything bless him and it will be delicious as usual. He’s also invited another elderly neighbour so they won’t be on their own. He’s been widowed 2 years since my lovely friend died. No excuse for your FIL not to help or be involved and get off his high horse.

Manthide · 15/12/2025 15:56

Sounds like my exdh. He told me he'd told dd1 and dd2 what he wanted for Christmas (I know dd1 had already bought him something but will now add the extra item to the present so he doesn't get narky). I said had he asked what they would like? Of course not he expects me to buy them presents with my money and put his name on them!

StepAwayFromMyCrutches · 15/12/2025 16:11

My father had many, many flaws but this kind of rudeness would have been anathema to him. He did the carving - ladies were served first, he was always last, even after the cats.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/12/2025 16:11

Your MIL sounds lovely.

You have described my BIL down to a tee though. Dick. Lounges around pontificating in an endless monologue about shite, eats like a horse but will be really weird like randomly decide on the day he's only eating meat or veg and then wipe out everyone else's portions. Has a very bad case of self importance and doesn't feel he should have to commit to anything in good time so we've swerved him for two years now with a Must RSVP by 1st December.

Manthide · 15/12/2025 16:44

Everybodysinthehousetonight · 14/12/2025 10:32

Bollox that it's a generation thing. It's a fucking arrogant arsehole thing.
Neither my dad or FIL anything like this, 78 and 83 and would do anything I asked to help, in fact they try to help so much they almost get in the way

Df is 83 and is always so helpful and polite! Ex dh (65) not so much but his parents treated him as though he was a king!!

Dancingintherain09 · 15/12/2025 18:07

GooseyGandalf · 14/12/2025 09:42

I tried seating plans. I set both ends of the table with children’s cutlery and plastic glasses one year, and used place cards. He ignored them and mil and sil helpfully scrambled to re arrange the table. The following year, dh reorganised the place cards. I’ve tried little micro aggressions, including the bin bag, and someone will swoop in and do it for him.

Dh is completely different - looks to see what needs doing, and pitches in whatever way he can so I don’t the dc are affected by fil - amused maybe, they don’t like him enough to be easily influenced. We don’t have a head of the table dynamic the rest of the year, everyone just pulls up a seat. Sometimes I wonder if dh and fil are actually related because they couldn’t be more different.

Dh cares a lot about what his df thinks. If he ever gets to a point of seeing for himself how fucked up that is, I’ll have his back. But in the meantime I’m not going to force the issue.

I like the idea of fussing over mil a lot more, though. There is no universe where she would sit at the head of the table though!!!

@Catzpyjamas three?! Sending you strength!

Could you maybe invest in a round table? Or do the food so its carvery style (I do this every year as I host up to 12 people.)
Or plate your kids food first before calling everyone else and sit them at the head to start eating before calling everyone else. Or put lesser comfy chairs at the head of table seats 😆

fragrancemeister · 15/12/2025 18:15

I have a spade and bin bags,if they are any help

Autumnyears · 15/12/2025 18:16

I am a 75 year old man and would NOT dream of behaving as you describe!

Hollybollyhughes · 15/12/2025 18:24

Well yes, he turns up, takes off his shoes and socks and reads a newspaper. Doesn't lift a finger nor move his arse once. All jovial, well you would be as per usual you do f all. Not this year, as you're not invited. We're a home not a hotel. Muck in you lazy entitled slob.

Teacakesfortwo · 15/12/2025 18:33

Well my husband is cooking this year and my Dad always jumps up to help with the washing up.

I'm hoping to put my feet up after all the planning!

JenniferBooth · 15/12/2025 18:37

Faith77 · 15/12/2025 15:53

My ex-FIL & ex-husband were like this. Ex-MIL used to insist that HRH FIL was served first, plating up his food for him like he was some overgrown toddler. Crazy what you start to forget isn't "normal", so I did pander to this misogynistic BS for far too long. After opening up the bin on Boxing Day one year to see all the presents ex-H had been given for Christmas the day before, though, it took me a step closer to putting an end to it a month later. It is disgusting behaviour and it does get normalised by ignoring it, so regardless of what you say to your children, they are still watching and learning. Join the Bridging The Gap group on Facebook. It's so much harder tolerating male privilege BS once you are 100% aware of what it is and why they are doing it!

Ive found the WDNC club on facebook after reading about it in a magazine. We Do Not Care if we have forgotten to buy cranberry sauce/tinsel We Do Not Care if sister and law and aunt dont get on etc

Jan24680 · 15/12/2025 18:37

From the Facebook repost "If you need something to with the body, I suggest opening a pottery farm because once the pigs have finished with the flesh you can use the bones to make china with. Next year you can serve Christmas on your FIL."

Blablibladirladada · 15/12/2025 18:38

JacknDiane · 14/12/2025 09:15

I'll give you an alibi.

😂😂😂

Vinvertebrate · 15/12/2025 18:38

I have had a microscopic taste of this today and I am seething. Elderly relative who was recently widowed is heading to her brother's house early because she's lonely. I have not yet posted her present, so I WhatsApp her brother, explain and ask for his address. He leaves me on read, and 10 minutes later I get a message from his DW saying "Uncle Bill [not real name] asked me to tell you that our address is...."

"Uncle Bill" has two eyes and two opposable thumbs, FFS. I wonder why women facilitate these pig ignorant imbeciles, but then I look at the laughably unfair division of Christmas labour in our household and realise as I rush around the house on the brink of a stroke throughout the season that I am as guilty as anyone.

SockFluffInTheBath · 15/12/2025 18:39

NarnianQueen · 14/12/2025 09:17

I’d start by giving someone else the turkey first, or eating a piece yourself and saying “mmm yummy! Dig in, everyone!” I wouldn’t facilitate his little “I’m the King” ceremony!

This. You have made a rod for your own back by entertaining this bullshit routine. Either challenge it or put up with it.

I took over the Christmas dinner when MIL’s Alzheimer’s meant she was no longer able. FIL stated the time it should be served, and the meal he required. He got the dinner we wanted to have, at the time we wanted to have it. He knew in advance what it would be and was given the choice to take a plate from someone else. He chose to stay with us and have our dinner at our time, and didn’t make a squeak.

Blablibladirladada · 15/12/2025 18:40

Honestly op, it looks like you are doing great!

I got fed up on the posing so last year I prepared…nothing and let them discovered that it was dh that did all the cooking and all the washing and all…etc. It was fab honestly but (not) to our great surprise, they won’t be delighting us of their presence this year!

😂😂

DH must be a patriarch too so if he cooks they don’t come. 👀👀

powershowerforanhour · 15/12/2025 18:45

"I do wonder if your husband deliberately doesn’t help you on Xmas day to give the appearance of being a ‘man’ to his father. Then tries to make up on Boxing Day."
Interesting thought. Are they around on Boxing Day OP?