Entitled male relatives who contribute nothing to Christmas

[GooseyGandalf]

We’re having dh’s dps for Christmas this year. Mil will bring something thoughtful, gifts for us all, that she has picked, bought and wrapped, offer to help in the kitchen, make lovely comments about the food. In previous years she has hosted for the extended family.

Fil will come. If any of the food isn’t up his liking he will pull a face. He will accept gifts, making his opinions obvious on them, as mil tuts at him and tries to redirect our attention, and at no point will he contribute anything to the occasion. Gifts are of course from both of them, but he will have no idea, or interest, in what they are. It’s obvious mil is entirely responsible.

When we were first married mil would correct my cooking choices, in line with fils preferences. I’m very happy to accommodate allergies, intolerances, preferences, vegans, and arfid - I like my guests to feel welcome. I went along with it, for mil and dh’s sake because they probably wouldn’t visit as much if I didn’t, and we’d have to stay with them more often instead, which is worse.

The entitlement sets my teeth on edge. Mil will be almost apologetic for coming at all, conscious of the workload, and he will just arrive and sit there, the great family patriarch and everyone plays along with it.

Including me.

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me and I’ll try not to get stabby.

It’s a small enough thing in the greater scheme and not particularly unusual in his generation (though nothing like my lovely df, or even my gf) and not worth causing a row about. Just getting it off my chest here, in the hopes of getting through another Christmas without exploding.

Does anyone else have the honour of hosting a Great Male Guest this Christmas?

my FIL is an absolute cunt of a man

Never fails to make daft comments
Has a few tooany beers and throws in the odd bigoted comment

Bases his entire personality, political and religious beliefs on a football team

The MIL just laughs at his daft comments and gives him the odd slap on the wrist. This just encourages him to make more as he thinks he is being funny

Old school relationship. He doesn't cook, tidy up, do the washing, ironing, gets his work lunch made, holiday case packed, doesn't do food shopping.

Didn't go to his gay son's wedding because he was ashamed at the time. He did give him an apology letter
The family seem to want to protect this male figurehead

It is not a generational thing. My husband is in his 70s, if he behaved like that he'd be eating in the shed.

I have a swimming pool full of sulphuric acid...

Argh poor you! He sounds hideous. My FiL is sadly dead, and my DF is nothing like this, helps cook, but the presents are all my DM. So this year I can’t be arsed to buy him anything. And he probably won’t even notice. And if he does, I’ll just ask what he bought for me. And then the conversation will be over!

If he insists on sitting at the head of the table then I'd give him the lowest chair so that his chin barely reaches the table or the stool that puts him 2 foot higher than his dinner. Misogynistic idiot!!

my FIL was a pleasure, he always tried to help but I wouldn’t have any of it, he was a nice guy, no friction or awkward moments whatsoever.
when I was younger my dad was checked out at Christmas, the only time he knew what presents we had were when they were ones that interested him. He did build our stuff tbf. During dinner, he never helped, never said much, just sat talking to my grandad. Never joined in the games.
now he has 3 other kids with his second wife, who is actually lovely, I get on very well with her. He cooks, he’s involved in kids presents. I’m glad for them but a little sad for myself that I didn’t get that side of him.
it’s hard when you have awkward guests. I wouldn’t be running around to impress no one, he’s in your house… he goes with your flow.

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me and I’ll try not to get stabby.

I understand why your attempts to seat him elsewhere have been thwarted - it's difficult when his side of the family colludes in this crap, but why do you all wait while he tries the turkey? Dig in yourselves or start a conversation with someone seated near you (perhaps one of the kids). Ignore any looks from FIL, MIL or SIL.

Oh god ..my FIL did absolutely nothing to prepare for Christmas .
All buying and wrapping of gifts , decorating the house , writing Christmas cards , shopping for the food, prepping the food , setting the Christmas table etc was was done by my MIL ( with a little help prepping food from myself and SIL ) but there he was carving the turkey 🦃 and expecting admiration.

I was thinking that. And serve MiL first. Don't wait for his approval.

Agreed.

Disrupt the seating plan to start by putting one of your kids there and saying no if someone tells them to move. I would otherwise ignore him and as others say not feed him first, don’t offer drinks and generally pretend he doesn’t exist for the day.

Ooh I wonder if you could set his place where he usually sits, and then all the kids places around him, and you, your dh and mum and other guests whose company you enjoy can sit the other end, together, and have a lovely day 😊

Put empty plates on the table , carry a few serving dishes to the table , then Prime one of your children to sit at one end , place yourself at the other end and wait for DH to bring through the final dishes and serve you first for a change so you can enjoy tasting your food first .

We did have one of these until I told him off and that if MIL had gone to the effort of cooking a nice meal he could sit at the table and enjoy it (he wanted to watch tv). He’s not done it since.

It’s your home. Say something!

Sorry if I’ve missed it but @GooseyGandalf why does the turkey need to be tasted and approved? Does he realise it’s not a restaurant, and it isn’t wine?
Sending solidarity to you 💐

My own DH is increasingly cooking for himself many days, as I’m too long in the tooth to take account of his endless preferences for unhealthier options. It’s tough, but the alternative could end up as you describe! I’m sorry, OP.

I don't get it, it's your house. Why would you let someone come into your house and dictate to you like that!

I'd give it 'Excuse me John, but the cook gets the head seat of the table in this house'. And he'd also be told it's his turn to do the dishes this year.

This is why I have a circular dining table. No weird masculine energy about who should be at the "head" of it.

This is exactly what I think!!! The host sits at the head of the table.

I’d pick your battles!
let him have his moment, he probably has entitled elbows that mean sitting anywhere else would be uncomfortable for another person.
… that said we lay our table 4/5 down each side, with no end laid! It somehow gives more room for food and plates and glasses.

I’d also declare that as the ladies have cooked it’s the gents opportunity to wash up, and before they start you’ll have a coffee in the living room, and if they’re quick you’ll save them some after dinner mints!

might be worth getting your husband on side with it first! … but if your father in law appears to early start a loud bra/gynaecological conversation so he knows why he’s out the way!!

risk is it’ll be MIL & husband washing up and you’ll be stuck with FIL though.

This is the best reply! Do this!

I’m so invested as it sounds like some of the men in my family (who we no longer see). If he makes any snippy comments about the food I’d be tempted to say ‘perhaps you’d like to be head chef next year?’. Absolutely the men should be washing up! At the very least.

Sadly I can hard relate to this. I mostly put up with it for my mil and DH, who would be heartbroken if I did some of the things suggested here. The times I have called him out it’s caused difficulty for both and nothing has changed. My sil told me recently that he was violent when they were children and I am not in the least surprised.
I take less nonsense from him now I am older, and put distance between him and me, and he sees my dc a lot less as a result.
You have my sympathy OP.

I cannot tell you how angry it made me reading this. Patriarchy at its finest.

I couldn’t do it.

Slightly different, DH isn’t useless, despite MIL trying to make him that way like FIL. She just called inviting us to hers next week. Myself & DC are working up to 23rd (DH finishes at the end of this week) so Xmas Eve it is. I offered to bring dessert as that was what she hadn’t sorted/planned yet - on no don’t worry you’ll be too busy at work to do that - no thought that her own son will be off for days before so could probably rustle up a pudding of some sort! When I said something along those lines she just laughed.
I’ve a good mind to turn up with DH proudly carrying a trifle he’s made just to see her face!