Entitled male relatives who contribute nothing to Christmas

[GooseyGandalf]

We’re having dh’s dps for Christmas this year. Mil will bring something thoughtful, gifts for us all, that she has picked, bought and wrapped, offer to help in the kitchen, make lovely comments about the food. In previous years she has hosted for the extended family.

Fil will come. If any of the food isn’t up his liking he will pull a face. He will accept gifts, making his opinions obvious on them, as mil tuts at him and tries to redirect our attention, and at no point will he contribute anything to the occasion. Gifts are of course from both of them, but he will have no idea, or interest, in what they are. It’s obvious mil is entirely responsible.

When we were first married mil would correct my cooking choices, in line with fils preferences. I’m very happy to accommodate allergies, intolerances, preferences, vegans, and arfid - I like my guests to feel welcome. I went along with it, for mil and dh’s sake because they probably wouldn’t visit as much if I didn’t, and we’d have to stay with them more often instead, which is worse.

The entitlement sets my teeth on edge. Mil will be almost apologetic for coming at all, conscious of the workload, and he will just arrive and sit there, the great family patriarch and everyone plays along with it.

Including me.

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me and I’ll try not to get stabby.

It’s a small enough thing in the greater scheme and not particularly unusual in his generation (though nothing like my lovely df, or even my gf) and not worth causing a row about. Just getting it off my chest here, in the hopes of getting through another Christmas without exploding.

Does anyone else have the honour of hosting a Great Male Guest this Christmas?

😂

I have a brother like this - left all care of my mum up to me because he 'doesn't do that stuff'. I tried stepping back but he just didn't go - couldn't have cared less about her. Also he once brought his children round for a family party at my house and parked across my neighbour's drive - when I asked him to move it, he said if he had to do that then he'd be taking the children home with him. He also smokes in everyone's house - if asked not to, he leaves and sulks - always manipulating to get his own way. He adds sexist jokes to the family whatsapp and my female relatives send laugh emojis which makes him worse.
I only see him at other family functions now because I want to see his children but he won't be invited to my house again.
Dickhead.

Oh god yes. First FIL was like that. I spent a lot of time with gritted teeth when he was around. Hopefully MIL will survive him and blossom, as mine did.

It’s called good manners

(Plus an understanding of the fact cats rule the roost.)

Thankfully, none like this. Maybe next year you could suggest booking a meal out. Then he can tut at people actually paid to serve him and won’t have any long term feelings about spitting in his food. Then you tip them well at the end of the meal.

Me too on this .

You have my total sympathy. My Entitled Male Relative is DB, who is single, no DCs, has a very 9-5 job where he works from home 3 days a week, and is rushed off his feet at the moment. He’s incredibly busy. You wouldn’t appreciate how busy he is. He certainly doesn’t have time to choose Christmas presents for anyone, or even ask anyone what anyone/their DC would like. If I could just sort out DSis and family, and DSis sort out me and my family, and between us sort out my parents, that would be wonderful.

Wouldn’t it just? Meanwhile, I am stretched like an elastic band juggling a demanding job, 2 DCs, one of whom has additional needs, a house in chaos post renovation and fucking Christmas. Needless to say, I’m pushing back.

DH can get in line, too. Apparently we’re doing it all wrong. Christmas is dead easy, you know. You just have to buy some presents and get some food in. (I’ll hold your beer. And yours.)

My dad too! Entitled.

Actually enabled by my mum. Generational in their case. She pandered to him his whole life.
Moaning at Christmas isn't going to change that.

I've noticed with my mum, that she holds men in much higher regard. She doesn't value me at all. She will listen to my brother, my partner, my sons.

Sometimes I'm just invisible. It is awful.

A counsellor advised me to tune out, that I am not responsible for their behaviour and they are not accountable to me.

I tried seating plans. I set both ends of the table with children’s cutlery and plastic glasses one year, and used place cards. He ignored them and mil and sil helpfully scrambled to re arrange the table. The following year, dh reorganised the place cards. I’ve tried little micro aggressions, including the bin bag, and someone will swoop in and do it for him.

’Oi, sit where the cards say!’

’No, MIL/SIL, the bin bag is for FIL, you’ve already done your bit!’
Say it with humour, but mean it.

I cannot fucking bear lordly behaviour.

Surely as host and hostess, you and DH get to sit at head and foot of the table? FIL is just another guest, and one who needs to mind his manners.

I'd do place cards.

Just a little hint re the table seating. Get the children to make place cards and make sure you arrange them just before dinner. Get the children to escort the relatives to their seats so they can show off their handiwork.
Might work.

We always have full house for Christmas, and the food is set out on the kitchen/dining room island for an orderly queue to form around it to self-serve. Ladies are invited to partake first, after the children collect their already-plated dinner. I suppose it helps to have a summer Christmas, stacker doors open to the terrace and garden, people drifting out to the shady umbrellas and patio. But men would never dream of inserting themselves as guests of honour. Even DH, who does all the work of prep and cooking.

I thought we were talking about manners at Christmas, mostly table manners. Excuse me, I'll go back to sleep.

It was a thing with a certain generation, wasnt it. Especially the stupid nonsense with the turkey. It's actually a bit pathetic. If you can internally concentrate on thinking " you stupid fucking git" while smiling sweetly as he pronounces on the state if the turkey you' will save yourself a lot of angst. Think of him.naked on the toilet with the turkey stuffed up his arse and then escape to the kitchen and have a good chuckle.

Yeah its hard work at the beginning but my mum is the same.

She said to me once that women shoudln't be paid more than men, because that will make men feel insecure.

He puts himself at the head of your table?!
The mannerless oaf.

Sadly it's not just the "Boomer" generation & older. My brother is in his mid-40s & has this same Women-Are-Here-To-Serve attitude. Inherited from our dad, who also holds males in higher regard, to the point where he often took my ex-husband's side even when he witnessed him behaving abysmally/abusively towards myself and my daughter. Unfortunately boys still aren't being taught that they aren't the centre of the Universe with everyone else revolving around them, so in 50-60-70+ years' time there will still be entitled men insisting that they sit at the head of the table & be waited on hand and foot whilst the "wimmin folk" do all the work. The sad thing is that because many men still do precious little in terms of childcare, it's often mums who are raising entitled boys and turning them into entitled men. Women have the power to shape the next generation of men, but they won't.

Our family has a very similar thing going on. In some scenarios that only involve me and FIL, usually something to do with my kids for example, I'll speak up and be harsh. But in these public situations I don't say anything because I don't fully understand the dynamics or history behind why he behaves like that and why MIL expends so much energy facilitating it, and I worry I'd completely misjudge and either cause misery for her at home or just make her feel terribly unhappy. I spend a lot of time quietly painting a picture in my head of when he is too old to be relevant and my DC are old enough to speak up and ignore 'weird old grandpa' there is absolutely no way the next generation will be continuing this charade around here. I'm also slowly trying to bring DH round to see it which is the main thing I think.

The contributing nothing but their presence really resonates. When I think of the couples I know, this is so common in male and female behaviour. Women constantly trying to make things nice for everyone, complimenting things, making conversation. Men just basically engaging how and when they feel like it, on their own terms. Speaking for as long as they like if they want to, zoning out if they don't. There's part of me that envies the freedom they afford themselves to do exactly what they like.

Yes, for every entitled male there is at least one woman enabling him. I wish those women would realise there's a happier way to live.

I've had female ones that sound just as bad as him tbh. All the male guests I've ever had have been really grateful and complimentary about the food. Not exactly helpful but no trouble at all. I guess I'm lucky!

Yes, good point, and sometimes older people have a condition that was just ignored when they were young, and they don't realise their selfishness.
But sometimes it's because we've all been enablers, sorry about the overused term, but I know I've been guilty of that. Mine was letting younger family members away with stuff though-it was before I was a parent, but I was warned that if I just jumped up and did whatever the kids at gatherings demanded, I would be making them entitled. Maybe people did this for OP's FIL when he was a kid!

That is a definite possibility. Someone needs to re-educate him 😬