Entitled male relatives who contribute nothing to Christmas

[GooseyGandalf]

We’re having dh’s dps for Christmas this year. Mil will bring something thoughtful, gifts for us all, that she has picked, bought and wrapped, offer to help in the kitchen, make lovely comments about the food. In previous years she has hosted for the extended family.

Fil will come. If any of the food isn’t up his liking he will pull a face. He will accept gifts, making his opinions obvious on them, as mil tuts at him and tries to redirect our attention, and at no point will he contribute anything to the occasion. Gifts are of course from both of them, but he will have no idea, or interest, in what they are. It’s obvious mil is entirely responsible.

When we were first married mil would correct my cooking choices, in line with fils preferences. I’m very happy to accommodate allergies, intolerances, preferences, vegans, and arfid - I like my guests to feel welcome. I went along with it, for mil and dh’s sake because they probably wouldn’t visit as much if I didn’t, and we’d have to stay with them more often instead, which is worse.

The entitlement sets my teeth on edge. Mil will be almost apologetic for coming at all, conscious of the workload, and he will just arrive and sit there, the great family patriarch and everyone plays along with it.

Including me.

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me and I’ll try not to get stabby.

It’s a small enough thing in the greater scheme and not particularly unusual in his generation (though nothing like my lovely df, or even my gf) and not worth causing a row about. Just getting it off my chest here, in the hopes of getting through another Christmas without exploding.

Does anyone else have the honour of hosting a Great Male Guest this Christmas?

Jesus, you sound very gracious about it and that is a kindness to your MIL. However I think some mild pushback would be good for you and everyone involved, including your DH who we don’t want to turn into this man!! I think you should put an end to the turkey tasting somehow. That to me is unacceptable. What age are your DC? Mine love making place settings for everyone, could you do that and avoid him being at the end, serve everyone up differently.

Plus, have you ever acknowledged his insufferability with MIL? Just to check she’s ok? You wonder what her day to day life is like.

I've watched lots of true crime documentaries. Do you know anyone with a pig farm?

“Must be your turn to do the dishes FIL”

God your poor MIL, who sounds lovely. Yes, make a big fuss of her and carve the turkey in the kitchen. I wouldn't let him taste and judge the turkey - WTF is he thinking?!

I'd deliberately cook a different meat.

I am NC now but God my father does this- every Sunday dinner etc comes when called and carves and sits at the head of the table. No idea what anyone has given anyone but tutting and making sarky comments.

People like that won’t recognise a mirror to the face unfortunately

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me and I’ll try not to get stabby.

There is no way in hell I’d continue to allow this. Your house, your rules and he sits where he’s asked to sit. If he screws his face up ask why he’s making childish faces. I’d have nipped this in the bud a long time ago. My dad was similar with the ‘King of the Castle’ outlook. He never coped very well the first year he came to us for Christmas and we had a round dining table, he had to get off his arse like everyone else and fill his plate from the dishes laid out on the sideboard. I still laugh at the way he was looking round for my mum but DH had already ushered her to help her with her plate. He had no choice really and that was the end of his ‘King of the Castle’ days in our home.

I’d be speaking to my DH @GooseyGandalf and telling him quite firmly there will be no worshipping the tasting of turkey ritual either. Thats a DH problem if he thinks that’s acceptable.

Yes, I know this kind of person, but I also feel that everyone going along with it is kind of complicit. Tasting and judging the turkey, honestly that needs to stop. You wouldn't put up with children being rude about the food so he shouldn't get a free pass either. As for the head of the table seat... whoopee cushion?

My dad is coming for Xmas. He’s in his late 80s and it’s like having a visit from Alf Garnett.

We’ll put the football or the darts on and he will undoubtedly ask why women are commentating. Last year he asked ‘what does that woman know about darts’ for us to point out she was the women’s world champion! Funny thing is that in the 70s he actively encouraged me to play football at my very rough state school when only boys really did. He stood on the touch line and cheered me on but at age 10 I had to give it up as I wasn’t allowed to play in the older teams.

They are from a different era. Bless my dad he tries but doesn’t always get it right but he wouldn’t dream of us waiting on him! I would definitely drop in some subtle digs at your FIL if you can!

My narcissistic mum does this around her husband, which I find infuriating and respond accordingly. With narcs you can’t say anything directly, as it results in an explosion, but I just respond to the few occasional hosting duties with micro-rebellions. I do things like serve him last, and I can see her getting all twitchy and awkward because she wants everyone else to treat him like the second coming. When I’ve gone as far as to say that it’s difficult for me to buy for him, which is fair enough seeing as he’d never be even vaguely involved in buying for any of us, I get the dagger stares and moving quickly on talk.

I highlight it to my kids - so they don’t think it’s acceptable or normal for a man who boasts about being able to do just about bloody anything, who travels a lot and has assets and investments, can’t lift a finger in a house. Unless I’ve come to some kind of agreement with you where you lavish me with wealth and wonder and I agree to then be your skivvy, I’m not bowing and scraping because you’re a man! My mum can make that choice if she likes, but I’m not joining in.

None of my male relatives or in-laws behave like this. They are grateful to be fed, compliment the meal, offer to help or wash up. Your FIL sounds like an arrogant nobhead - I couldn't put up with that. His rudeness would be noted and commented on - maybe a few passive aggressive jibes about how kind he was to put so much thought and time into the gifts. Or how much we'd love to hear his tips for cooking the perfect turkey - since he's so keen to pass judgement presumably he's an expert at cooking them himself?? I'd have ground my teeth down to stumps by now.

I lived in Spain for 20 years so used to all that with the men
but the turkey thing no way who he think he is Marlon Brandon in the Godfather
not a chance - give first slice to mil and then everyone else In turn without waiting -
bloody hell felt angry reading that lol !!

I tried seating plans. I set both ends of the table with children’s cutlery and plastic glasses one year, and used place cards. He ignored them and mil and sil helpfully scrambled to re arrange the table. The following year, dh reorganised the place cards. I’ve tried little micro aggressions, including the bin bag, and someone will swoop in and do it for him.

Dh is completely different - looks to see what needs doing, and pitches in whatever way he can so I don’t the dc are affected by fil - amused maybe, they don’t like him enough to be easily influenced. We don’t have a head of the table dynamic the rest of the year, everyone just pulls up a seat. Sometimes I wonder if dh and fil are actually related because they couldn’t be more different.

Dh cares a lot about what his df thinks. If he ever gets to a point of seeing for himself how fucked up that is, I’ll have his back. But in the meantime I’m not going to force the issue.

I like the idea of fussing over mil a lot more, though. There is no universe where she would sit at the head of the table though!!!

@Catzpyjamas three?! Sending you strength!

It’s hard isn’t it because you don’t want to upset MIL. My FIL is similar but it’s always at their house as he won’t cook food prepared by anyone but MIL. I can only help with peeling vegetables and dishing up. I make the DC help DH with dishes and praise the meal prepared by MIL to the skies. And she gets a lovely thoughtful gift from us. He gets supermarket chocolates.

Please stop enabling this. If you dont participate, they can't play their role. It all hinges on women not saying anything.

@ThatCyanCat whoopee cushion 🤪

Maybe, but for the rest of us it was hilarious (well maybe not for my mother who was her golden child), my uncle and Auntie who emigrated to Canada 30 years ago still reminisce about it!!

How about making a pre Christmas announcement that now we are a quarter of the way through the 21st century you are going to mark it with traditions that are more in keeping with current times. You can then make suggestions as to who might help, as the day progresses. You can set name places and carve the turkey etc.

Switch out a few after dinner mints for veg stock cubes, another great Xmas day prank!!

How about, when he's pronounced his judgement of the turkey, loudly asking MIL 'what do YOU think MIL, after all you're the expert having good this a lot more times than me'.
That way you acknowledge you value her opinion.
Or make a loud comment to FIL.....'lol, thanks for taste checking...the roman leaders would often employ skivvies to make sure they weren't bring poisoned '. It switches it around from thinking he's special

OMG do my parents in law have a second family? You’ve just described my FIL. First Christmas with him when I was now DH’s fiancée I couldn’t believe I was watching a grown man pout when he didn’t like the jumper given to him by another relative. Then he tutted over the cauliflower cheese. So, so rude….

I think you might have to try humour as your weapon, light-hearted digs that bring out the absurdity of it all. Something about hoping his lordship approves, or when the tasting ceremony commences saying you hope he likes it as there’s nothing else on offer today (then laugh).

Or OP could plan a new patio... 🤔

Well seeing as the OP changed her cooking style, it looks like her husband also does sod all, so why would he sit at the head of the table rather than the OP?