Page 13 | Entitled male relatives who contribute nothing to Christmas

godmum56 · 14/12/2025 16:42

JudgeJ · 14/12/2025 16:24

Very true, my parents and MIL were the same generation, dob 1910-1914, my Dad would do all the washing up after a big meal. We once had a big roast dinner at my parents' house and after he'd cleared all the used plates etc my Dad came in with two tea towels, tossed one to my brother and one to OH, II'll wash, you two can dry! MIL was appalled, You can't expect men to do that!

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I do get so pissed of with the "its a generational thing" thing

shuggles · 14/12/2025 16:45

@GooseyGandalf You don't have "entitled male relatives." You have one entitled relative, who just so happens to be a father in law.

If your father in law was black, you would not have written "entitled black relatives."

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 14/12/2025 17:12

shuggles · 14/12/2025 16:45

@GooseyGandalf You don't have "entitled male relatives." You have one entitled relative, who just so happens to be a father in law.

If your father in law was black, you would not have written "entitled black relatives."

That couldn't be more beside the point. Black people are not known for ignoring household chores and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. All too many male relatives, on the other hand, have weaponised their domestic laziness to an Olympic level.

Tryingtokeepgoing · 14/12/2025 17:15

godmum56 · 14/12/2025 16:42

I do get so pissed of with the "its a generational thing" thing

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I agree - it’s just lazy stereotyping. I’m lucky enough to remember my great grandparents from when I was young. They’d have been born around 1895, so were in their 90s when I was a teenager. They’d never have sat at the head of the table unless in their own homes, and though of course my grandparents or parents didn’t expect them to do anything, they’d always offer and they’d always bring us children gifts. I can’t actually remember if my parents got anything from them, but I’m sure that there was some acknowledgment because they had good manners, and understood social etiquette. And that’s the root cause of the OPs issue - her FiL has no manners, and that side of the family don’t seem to understand social norms.

Wreckinball · 14/12/2025 17:18

borrow a dining chair that is lower than the others and put it at the head of the table for FIL. Yours is broken in garage and about to get repaired. If he swaps and puts a dc on it make sure you have some cushions to lift them up, so they’re not inconvenienced ( imagining fil’s cracker hat and hands visible above the table lol

AgnesMcDoo · 14/12/2025 17:22

These men are enabled and facilitated by everyone else around and unless
challenged this will go on forever

shuggles · 14/12/2025 17:34

@RescueMeFromThisSilliness That couldn't be more beside the point.

No it isn't.

Black people are not known for ignoring household chores and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. All too many male relatives, on the other hand, have weaponised their domestic laziness to an Olympic level.

There is a negative stereotype that black people are lazy, but if OP had a lazy black relative, she would have correctly recognised that her relative being lazy has nothing to do with him being black... because it's just that, a stereotype.

So why is it socially acceptable to stereotype people as lazy on the basis of gender?

Please rescue me from this silliness.

BernardButlersBra · 14/12/2025 17:36

trueish · 14/12/2025 15:53

everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me

There's a whole family dynamic then. Your MIL is trained to appease and serve him but your DH wants his approval and you don't want to rock the boat.
How long has this been the case? Is it too late to start with small adjustments that change things for the better?

Agreed. Massively cringey family dynamic. Doesn’t mean it needs to be fed into

VictoriaEra · 14/12/2025 17:42

Ours is definitely female

Ohthatsabitshit · 14/12/2025 17:50

Your husband sits at one end and you the other. Fil sits next to you and mil next to dh. ALL women are served before men

Londonisthebestcityintheworld · 14/12/2025 17:55

GooseyGandalf · 14/12/2025 09:12

We’re having dh’s dps for Christmas this year. Mil will bring something thoughtful, gifts for us all, that she has picked, bought and wrapped, offer to help in the kitchen, make lovely comments about the food. In previous years she has hosted for the extended family.

Fil will come. If any of the food isn’t up his liking he will pull a face. He will accept gifts, making his opinions obvious on them, as mil tuts at him and tries to redirect our attention, and at no point will he contribute anything to the occasion. Gifts are of course from both of them, but he will have no idea, or interest, in what they are. It’s obvious mil is entirely responsible.

When we were first married mil would correct my cooking choices, in line with fils preferences. I’m very happy to accommodate allergies, intolerances, preferences, vegans, and arfid - I like my guests to feel welcome. I went along with it, for mil and dh’s sake because they probably wouldn’t visit as much if I didn’t, and we’d have to stay with them more often instead, which is worse.

The entitlement sets my teeth on edge. Mil will be almost apologetic for coming at all, conscious of the workload, and he will just arrive and sit there, the great family patriarch and everyone plays along with it.

Including me.

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me and I’ll try not to get stabby.

It’s a small enough thing in the greater scheme and not particularly unusual in his generation (though nothing like my lovely df, or even my gf) and not worth causing a row about. Just getting it off my chest here, in the hopes of getting through another Christmas without exploding.

Does anyone else have the honour of hosting a Great Male Guest this Christmas?

Just laughing and laughing at "try not to get stabby". We'll be having the same Xmas meal then 😂

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/12/2025 17:59

MarymaryquiteC · 14/12/2025 09:20

Ahhhh hahaha. I have a shovel.

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And I am happy to provide everyone with an alibi, @MarymaryquiteC. You were all round at mine, drinking Horlicks and playing Twister, if I recall correctly.

katand2kits · 14/12/2025 18:02

Some of this sounds a lot like my dad. He commandeers the remote control in our house too. Not as rude as your FIL, but expects to be catered to all the time and have everything fit his usual regime.

powershowerforanhour · 14/12/2025 18:25

I don't think you can fight it too hard as he has MIL and SIL scrabbling to dance attendance on him. But you could do a couple of quiet things

make the middle of a long side the "king" position, like it is with a wedding top table. You're the king. Put a big water jug or something on the new king place to deflect everyone else away from sitting there and hopefully FIL will sit at the head as usual, then move the jug when you go to sit down. Have a couple of candlesticks flanking the middle, nothing special on the end
when it comes to the turkey tasting ceremony, let him get on with it but don't watch. As it starts, say oh I forgot something, go ahead and start without me, don't let it get cold!! Nip out to the laundry room and get a big floral arrangement (fake is fine) that you had "forgotten" and put it centre of the table between the candles.

-at a suitable point, as a PP suggested, make a short speech praising MIL. Do the whole bit- stand up and tap your wine glass with a spoon,make the speech and lay it on with a trowel, do the whole "charge your glasses please" thing and propose the toast to MIL, chink glasses with her first and lock eyes with everyone, you get the picture

even if you don't normally, do plum pudding , go off quietly and warm the brandy, get DH to flick the lights off while you light it and enter the room and set it down in your place for you to dole out "children first as they were last for turkey"
I know it's either extra work or extra expense, but get at least a side or two, an extra dessert option and maybe some sort of wine that you think he won't like but at least some others will, in addition to the usual stuff. Offer him some and if he's huffing that he won't it it, or tries it and criticises it, break out the MN tinkly laugh and say something like oh well never mind/ wouldn't it be boring if we all liked the same things (also useful for the present giving)

Bamfram · 14/12/2025 18:47

I really don't believe it is an exclusively male generational thing, although it often is.
It is often a relative of either sex that has never been held to account.

My father was definitely one, he and my mother had very quiet Christmases when their children grew up.
None would tolerate him and his moods.
They were wounded by their busy children being abroad, sun or skiing, with friends or others, anywhere rather than be around them, from their earliest 20's.

Reaping what you sow for sure.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 14/12/2025 18:50

GooseyGandalf · 14/12/2025 09:44

@ThatCyanCat whoopee cushion 🤪

Fill it with gravy.

Lovelyindevon · 14/12/2025 18:55

Sadly aspects of my late Dad here.

We went to their house on the 27th each year. He was always head of table - it was his house. But this was useful as grandchildren could be placed in position. No turkey tasting though.
.

As he was usually quite dogmatic and thought that being the oldest meant he knew everything and could not be challenged. 7 of the 8 grandchildren knew, kept quiet and just ate. Not so my son. He was late teens, working and liked a good political discussion.

So roll on the Christmas argument. Every year my son just walked into it. At first we thought it was him until my brother commented about our Dad picking on and provoking him.

Always a stressful meal. Always a late start as he’d be fannying about looking for matches for candles as the food went out.

Horrific at the time but a bit sad they’re over now. His last one ( and my DP’s 60th anniversary) was marked by a rant that social security warned him dead. (He’d had an assessment because he’d outlived his terminal (and inaccurate) diagnosis.) They’d been to see if he needed any more help.

Cornishclio · 14/12/2025 19:00

Why are you playing along with this sexist nonsense. Don’t accommodate him and certainly he doesn’t get to sit at the head of the table or try the food first before you all dig in. I get you are probably doing this to keep MIL happy but it just reinforces this behaviour if he isn’t challenged.

TorroFerney · 14/12/2025 19:41

JudgeJ · 14/12/2025 15:48

I recall attending something with a buffet just after we married in the late '60s, the ladies were called to the buffet and someone asked why I wasn't having anything which confused me, as I had a plate in my hand, but then I noticed that all the married women had two plates, one for their OH who couldn't be expected to select his own food! I said that OH would be very hungry if he waited for me to load his plate, MIL was horrified and went to get a second plate so she could 'take proper care of him'!

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My mum always did this for my dad. He also would ask her “ what do I like” when they went for a meal.

FKAT · 14/12/2025 20:27

shuggles · 14/12/2025 16:45

@GooseyGandalf You don't have "entitled male relatives." You have one entitled relative, who just so happens to be a father in law.

If your father in law was black, you would not have written "entitled black relatives."

How do you know he isn't black?
Do you think all MNers and their families are white?

Teddleshon1 · 14/12/2025 20:34

@TorroFerney my Bil and Sil are exactly like this, she has to tell him what he would like in a restaurant. I know he also calls her up when he can’t find a parking space 🙄

shuggles · 14/12/2025 21:34

FKAT · 14/12/2025 20:27

How do you know he isn't black?
Do you think all MNers and their families are white?

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That would only reinforce my point.

latetothefisting · 14/12/2025 23:24

I dont understand why everyone is so adamant its a generational thing when there are enough posts about lazy/arrogant dps on here every other day of the year to indicate that it's clearly not.
Not to mention my dh or even grandad (born 1935) were never like this.
There are arseholes in every generation!

OP I understand why you want to keep the peace but personally wouldn't be able to refrain from a few pass aggressive little digs just to keep myself sane....something like when they're leaving "Aw mil thanks so much for the lovely presents, and for helping with the dishes and for playing with the dc....and fil...thanks....for coming."

Or when the kids open their presents
"Say thank you to Nanny for your present!"

ThisTaupeZebra · 15/12/2025 07:54

Lovelyindevon · 14/12/2025 18:55

Sadly aspects of my late Dad here.

We went to their house on the 27th each year. He was always head of table - it was his house. But this was useful as grandchildren could be placed in position. No turkey tasting though.
.

As he was usually quite dogmatic and thought that being the oldest meant he knew everything and could not be challenged. 7 of the 8 grandchildren knew, kept quiet and just ate. Not so my son. He was late teens, working and liked a good political discussion.

So roll on the Christmas argument. Every year my son just walked into it. At first we thought it was him until my brother commented about our Dad picking on and provoking him.

Always a stressful meal. Always a late start as he’d be fannying about looking for matches for candles as the food went out.

Horrific at the time but a bit sad they’re over now. His last one ( and my DP’s 60th anniversary) was marked by a rant that social security warned him dead. (He’d had an assessment because he’d outlived his terminal (and inaccurate) diagnosis.) They’d been to see if he needed any more help.

Interesting that your brother had to point out that your father was picking on your son, rather than your son 'walking into it'. And yet you say it is 'bit sad' these Christmas meals are 'over now.'

You sound like one of the enablers, and maybe you could respond to all the MN'ers asking why these men don't get challenged? It would be a very useful perspective.

Theroadt · 15/12/2025 08:45

ThisTaupeZebra · 14/12/2025 13:39

Some really interesting replies here about what people think they would do in this situation.

I had a FIL like this, OP — right down to the part where everyone would wait with bated breath for him to pronounce judgement on the meal. That wasn’t just Christmas either, it was every shared meal. Christmas was especially grim, as presents would be opened by both MIL and FIL expressing an emotional range from bafflement to barely-suppressed fury.

The first time he complained about food I’d cooked for him, I simply stopped cooking for him. That didn’t magically fix things. What it did do was create a couple of very tense Christmases where my husband ran himself ragged trying to appease his father and was visibly distressed when his father behaved badly. That stress landed squarely in our household.

This is primarily a DH-and-his-family issue. I say that with a caveat, because you’re right: your DH didn’t create this dynamic. But his family weren’t like this, you wouldn’t be in this position at all.

The problem is that the dynamic is predictable enough that you’re posting about it ten days before Christmas. That tells me you are already carrying more of the emotional labour than your husband, who — along with his mother — will default to managing FIL and maintaining the charade.

Ultimately, there are only two choices that are fully within your control:

Carry on accommodating his behaviour to preserve family harmony, while accepting the impact that may have on you (and potentially your children).
Stop accommodating it, knowing that this may create tension or upset with your husband’s family, again with possible knock-on effects for the children.

There might be a third, more hopeful outcome — that he backs down when called out on his behaviour, or that your husband learns to push back — but those outcomes aren’t actually within your individual control.

I think this is where MN often goes wrong on threads like this: we talk as if the OP can single-handedly fix a multigenerational family dynamic, when in reality all she can decide is where she stops absorbing the cost of it.

Totally brilliant summary, 100% agree